indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

Did he really?

[It's still only a 50% chance at best, Dazai thinks, that that is true - because that's how it would be if he said such a thing. Does he believe that Fyodor has abandoned his plans for now? Yes, certainly - if only because Dazai has made as sure of that as he possibly can (which frankly isn't a lot). But Dazai has no illusions: he's convinced that Fyodor will keep his plans ready to go for whenever he changes his mind or just gets a convenient opportunity. That's just how things are.]

... Call it a social experiment.

[Maybe not the best description of trying to get Fyodor to the side of good, but stating that goal outright... sounds positively ridiculous, even to Dazai. Not only is he anything but sure he can pull it off, but he's not entirely sure he's not lost his mind for even trying to accomplish something so ridiculous. Still... it would be the ultimate accomplishment, and it would make him feel more confident about his own "career change" from back then, and it would conveniently do away with the need to kill one of the few people capable of playing on his level.

If it all works out, of course. Which is an astronomically big "if", and so Dazai quickly tries to change the subject.]

Pay attention to the movie, Chuuya!

[Something exciting may or may not be happening on screen. Either way, Dazai wants to enjoy his forbidden snacks now, and that will be easier if Chuuya isn't looking at him.]

[Chuuya frowns a bit, because that is not an answer.]

What kind of social experiment?

[Not that he'll push if Dazai doesn't want to answer. Maybe he'll ask Fyodor again, see if he's willing to tell him if Dazai really wants, though he sort of doubts it. There's definitely a reason why Fyodor wanted him to ask Dazai first, and there's no reason for him to change his mind about that. It's a bit frustrating to be kept out of the loop, but it's not like Chuuya isn't used to it. It's fine.

Though he'll keep pushing just in case.

Though when Dazai tells him to, Chuuya is quickly turning back to the movie. He had been forgetting to pay attention. He's not as good at multitasking as Dazai is, and for a second he's confused, trying to catch up with the plot, which thankfully didn't move very far yet.]

Did she just faint the second that guy so much as touched her?

[He's definitely not impressed with Buttercup yet.]

[Really, Dazai shouldn't have a problem with telling Chuuya everything, because he's told Fyodor everything. At that point, what need is there for secrets? But Chuuya is always 1% explosively unpredictable, even if he's 99% extremely predictable. It's not worth taking the chance. Also: maybe Dazai just doesn't want to admit to doing a thing that is not only likely to fail, but Chuuya will be aware when it fails. Nobody ever said Dazai wasn't petty!

At the same time: doesn't it kind of defy the point of the experiment regarding himself, if he doesn't tell? If all else fails, he can always say it's a joke or something! And so he deadpans, staring at the tv:]

Experiment "Can A Bay Guy Live On the Side of Good", part 1a.

[Since he himself is part 1, clearly. Not that he cares to point that out. Or talk about this much more.

More importantly: the movie!]

You often faint when I touch you too, Chuuya.

[... No. No, that's only after Corruption.]

[Dazai obviously doesn't want to talk about this, or he'd just explain, without Chuuya needing to push. On the other hand, the fact that it's possible for Chuuya to push for more information at all is rare. Usually Dazai just clams up, shuts him down, pretends he doesn't even know what Chuuya is talking about, something. All he's doing now is some half-hearted attempt at distracting him.

And Chuuya is curious, so:]

I guess that depends on what you mean by good. [Didn't they talk about that once? Chuuya still thinks a lot of the definitions of good and bad people use are worthless.] But apparently you can do it somehow, so.

[Which makes him wonder if he's somehow getting in the way of those plans. Chuuya is, after all, on the side of bad, even if he refuses to think of the mafia as anything bad at all. Still, he's not exactly encouraging a change of behavior in Fyodor. But he doesn't want to think about that.

So he'll try to elbow Dazai instead. Not too hard, though, he doesn't want to ruin movie night.]

I never faint because you touch me, asshole. But maybe pretending to would be a good way to avoid having to deal with you.

[They did have some talks about "good" and "bad" at one point, didn't they? For what it's worth, Dazai agrees that the boundary is, for the most part, arbitrarily drawn, or at least not based on more than the whim of some person who stands to benefit by encouraging some behaviors and villainizing others.

Maybe that's what he, himself, is trying against all odds to gain from his personal experiment, even though his reasons for engaging it at all were external: maybe he's trying to find that elusive something "good" that goes beyond human hypocrisy and codependence both.

Chuuya's comment that he's succeeding at being "good" shouldn't be surprising, since it doesn't go beyond the aforementioned window-dressings of "good", but somehow Dazai is a little taken aback anyway, turning his head to look at Chuuya, blinking, before he quickly focuses on the movie again. Why does it feel sort of nice to have Chuuya acknowledge his efforts? If anything, shouldn't that make him feel worse?!

Better not think about it too deeply. He's sure Chuuya didn't.

Oof, that hurts! Allow Dazai to be extra dramatic about it, if only so he can grab some more snacks, and/or the bottle of the booze, in the process. (And you thought he couldn't multitask!)]

I wouldn't take that chance if I were you, Chuuya. Whether you pretend or not, I might just be inclined to have my way with you~!

[Of course Chuuya has thought about it. He's seen how Dazai acts - and, more importantly, he remembers how he used to act. He remembers how Dazai could completely disregard lives, other people, often just for shock value, but sometimes losing himself in his own terrible actions. And it's not like it's not there anymore. It's not like Chuuya hasn't seen that in Dazai's eyes, but --

There's definitely something different there, too.

But he won't point that out. He still has so many questions about that deal, but he'll drop it for the moment, wanting to collect his thoughts on the matter anyway. And even if he didn't, that statement would have immediately derailed him.]

Try it and regret it, asshole.

[As if that didn't just spark something in his gut. As if his cheeks are not heating up thinking about it. They both know Chuuya gets off on exactly that.

So he's going to distract Dazai by --

Where are the snacks?!]

Give that back!

[Gonna immediately lean over him to try to snatch those.]

[Honestly, Dazai isn't sure how much he's changed over the years, if he's changed at all. Has he just grown up a little? Is this what it means to become an adult?? (Doesn't it really just equal being Tired™ and/or giving up?!) He doesn't know, but because this is, at its core, a mission from Odasaku, he can afford not to overthink it most of the time.

He blames Fyodor for sometimes not being capable of that anymore. Well... he mostly blames himself for engaging Fyodor on that front. Chuuya, by comparison, is blessedly simple to deal with, even if he's not always simple to push away either.]

Oops! [Dazai tries to hold the snacks high and out of reach, because what else are long arms good for?] Are these not meant for both of us, Chuuya?

[... By that reasoning he should let Chuuya have some, but, you know...]

[Chuuya is successfully distracted from the topic. He tries to snag the snacks, but fails when Dazai holds them out of reach. Damn him and his long legs. Damn him for being so fucking tall.]

Since I went out and bought them while you were being lazy, I get to eat first.

[Sure, he just made that rule up, but isn't that how rules work?

And he's not giving up just because Dazai is taller. There's an easy solution, which is to climb right into Dazai's lap, straddling his thighs before making another grab at the snacks. The war has officially started.]

Who was being lazy? I spent a considerable amount of time and effort to choose a suitable movie - and then you rudely vetoed it!

[Which, admittedly, was entirely within the realm of expectations, but Dazai doesn't have to admit that. With Chuuya climbing into his lap to gain height, he instead holds the snacks out as far to the side as he can.]

Clearly I have first snack rights, Chuuya!!

[Dazai can make up rules on the spot, too!]

You knew I was going to veto it. That's why you had this one ready as an option.

[Not that Chuuya is watching right now. He's mostly forgotten about the movie, facing Dazai in an effort to get those snacks. When Dazai holds them out to the side, Chuuya leans out sideways to try to get them, holding on tight with his legs to keep his balance. It's risky, but Dazai only has one hand free to fuck with him right now, so it's worth it.

He tries to snatch the bag.]

You don't have any snack rights at all!

Having a backup plan is only natural, Chuuya! You're the only one whose plan is never more than "beat everyone up until something changes".

[Not watching the movie is a crime against cinematography, but it's not like Dazai's doing that much better. He's in a better position to sorta-kinda keep following it, though, and better at dividing his attention than Chuuya is.

But he's also not in the mood for an actual fight here and now, so he'll let Chuuya take the snacks, and move back to the booze instead, as a quiet counter-strike, and to childishly not lose at the game. It's not like he actually felt the need to eat anything anyway! And booze is always good.]

Pay attention to the movie already. You're ruining movie night!

Edited 2022-06-29 11:21 (UTC)

[Chuuya was going to keep arguing, but he hadn't expected to actually get the snacks. He stares at them for a second, surprised, before digging some out of the bag to eat. He's definitely pleased, but too surprised to be as smug about his victory as he should be.]

What did I miss?

[He twists to look over his shoulder, and then lets himself slide off Dazai's lap to sit next to him again, though still with one leg thrown over Dazai's thighs like he forgot it was there, staying close as he gets comfortable. He leaves the bag in his lap, angled so Dazai can take some if he wants. It was never about preventing Dazai from actually getting any, after all.

And now it seems more important to grab his own drink as well.]

[Keeping Chuuya from being smug is always the main goal, so: mission accomplished!

Grabbing into the snack bag without even looking in its direction - you just want him to grab your crotch, don't you, Chuuya?! - Dazai gestures with his glass-bearing hand at the tv. Just watch!]

A dapper fellow has joined the scene~

[Ominously following everyone, but clearly that's not nearly as important as him looking good.]

[If Dazai grabs his crotch, it's clearly because Dazai really wants to?! Though watching an entire movie with an erection would be uncomfortable at best, so he'd actually prefer Dazai waits, at least a little bit, before they go there. It's not like it's not inevitable. Unless Chuuya gets too drunk, that is.]

That big guy could just crush that bald guy's head. And he should.

[He leans forward a bit as he watches the masked man climb up the rock face, at the banter between him and the long haired one. He's definitely a bit more interested in the movie now.

He does love the prospect of a duel.]

So he's pulling him up so they can fight for real? I'd definitely do the same.

You could crush Mori-san's head, and maybe you should. But you don't.

[Same basic difference, clearly. Ohhh, the irony!! The chibi and the giant play the same role! (Well, the giant writes better poetry.)]

It's true, you are exactly that same kind of dimwit.

[No offense. (Kind of offense.)

Hoping to distract Chuuya from that insult, Dazai immediately follows it by sitting up straight and turning towards him. He's clearly having some incredible revelation here!]

Chuuya! Say: "Hello, my name is Chuuya Nakahara..."

[Why is Chuuya basically the entire cast now? OH WELL!]

[Predictably, Chuuya's attention is immediately on Dazai again, tension in his face.]

The boss is nothing like that guy.

[He cares less about the insult to himself. He's used to that from Dazai - and it does deserve a punch to the face - but Dazai has been insulting Mori every chance he gets lately, trying to convince Chuuya not to forgive him so easily. As if there's been anything to forgive. As if Chuuya isn't the one who owes Mori everything. Dazai knows that.

He frowns. Hesitates a second.]

Is this your new game? Trying to convince people to give up on what they believe in, just to see what would happen? For your entertainment?

[Him and Fyodor, he means. So no, he won't play along by saying any lines. But his leg is still thrown across Dazai's lap, a sign he's not actually angry yet. He's still making up his mind there.]

[Dazai knows that Chuuya is delusional, that's what he knows. But it's not as if he expects to change Chuuya's mind at all. If he was trying to do that, he would have gone about it very differently.

Doesn't mean he can't declare some ultimate truths every now and then. And it also doesn't mean, apparently, that he can't feel a-tiny-bit-but-still-unreasonably hurt at that accusation.]

If I was doing something like that, do you really think that you would be aware of it?

[Just saying. Not to mention that trying that kind of thing on Fyodor would be beyond impossible. If anything, it's the opposite: Fyodor and Dazai have both entered their little experiment with little confidence in its success. But then, that's sort of unique for them in itself...]

Just watch the movie, Chuuya.

[Dazai's good(?) mood is now ruined. 🙎‍♂️ It's all Chuuya's fault again. 🙎‍♂️🙎‍♂️🙎‍♂️ ]

[Chuuya frowns, watching Dazai quietly for a second. He believes him, not because of that logic - Chuuya might not be able to keep up with Dazai's plans, that doesn't mean he can never keep up at all - but because of his tone. It's barely there, but they've been partners for too long by now. He lets out a soft tch, turns back to the screen.]

You're right. You'd be too lazy anyway.

[It's not an apology, because they never apologize, and besides, Dazai was being an ass. But it's at least an acknowledgment that maybe he jumped to that conclusion way too quickly. There are too many reasons why Dazai wouldn't try that with him, even if he is doing something not-quite-like-that with Fyodor.

It's definitely time to drink a bit more.]

[Funny, isn't it, that Dazai has never tried to convert Chuuya to the side of good? There are many reasons for that, of course. Firstly: Dazai wasn't sure where exactly he'd end up, and how well he'd do there. Whether successful or unsuccessful, getting Chuuya aboard prematurely might have ended with Dazai either stuck with Chuuya or both of them stuck on opposite sides. (Dazai isn't sure he likes either scenario, but he's certainly not letting circumstances make the decision for him.) Secondly: the mafia needed Chuuya's power, and needs it still. And thirdly: Chuuya is happy where he is. Not that Mini Black wouldn't be happy just about anywhere with people... What a weirdo.

Maybe, in the unlikely event that Fyodor gets on the side of good, it will be time to invite Chuuya there as well. It seems different then, with the weird relationship they have, even though objectively it should feel more like putting all Dazai's ~~eggs~~ asses in one basket.

It is always time to drink more, and Dazai is all too happy to indulge too, as a sword fight breaks out on the tv. The movements are definitely a bit stilted, even to the untrained eye... but then, there are reasons for that.]

[Chuuya won't judge the sword fighting too much. He's absolutely the type to complain about fake fights on TV, but usually only if he's bored, and this movie isn't boring at least. Besides, he's still distracted by Dazai. He watches the movie in silence for a few minutes, drinking more booze, but still trying to stop himself from drinking too quickly. It would be easier if he was drunk.

As a peace offering, he flicks some of the snacks at Dazai.]

See? Making it a proper duel was the smart choice. Just killing him by dropping the rope would have been too easy anyway.

[See? Being like Chuuya is better. Sure, dropping the rope would have been safer, but safe is rarely the best option, in his experience.]

[Dazai catches the snacks without even looking over, because of course he does.]

There is no such thing as "too easy", Chuuya. Even an overachiever like you could have spent that energy on other ventures and achieved more in the same time.

[Which is probably the goal, because what else could be the goal in working so hard? (... No, Dazai knows what the goal is. But that doesn't mean he has to acknowledge such silly ideas.)]

The only people who feel otherwise are you, and fictional characters.

[He gestures at the screen with his snack (as one does), where the sword fighters each switch from fighting left-handed to fighting right-handed. Because of course they do.]

[Chuuya glances up at him for a second.]

No. You feel that way, too, at least sometimes.

[He says it with the kind of confidence no one should have when making statement about Dazai, but he's always had that confidence when it comes to his partner. He smirks, grabbing some more snacks for himself - they're going to run through these pretty quickly at this rate, but that's why he got a lot of different ones.]

You're lazy when it's the wrong kind of effort, but you get bored if it's too easy, right?

[He pops those snacks in his mouth, taking a second to chew.]

If you wanted easy, you wouldn't be trying what you are with Fyodor.

[These snacks can totally count as dinner, so Dazai will take what he can get. He's not hungry, or even overly eager to get tasty treats; it's part need for nutrition, and part taking advantage of something Chuuya bought, just for the sake of it (and a refusal to let Chuuya keep all of the snacks for himself).

We're all mature adults here.

Dazai's expression turns distasteful when Chuuya calls him out, but only because it forces him to consider how right (or not) Chuuya is. In a way (as utterly gross as it is to consider), Chuuya has a point. But then, isn't this something completely different? Trying to get Fyodor to the side of good (or something close to it) is a unique undertaking and experiment. It's not something Dazai would care to do with just anybody, or for no good reason. Having Chuuya compare it to all the random nonsense Chuuya does on a daily basis feels like it cheapens Dazai's efforts, and makes them seem pointless on top of that, even if he succeeds.

But, really, how dare Chuuya compare his non-stop mindless stupidity to Dazai's careful, one-time plan?!?]

That's a different thing entirely. [Clearly. Because he says so.] And, for the record: I'm still bored.

[You bore him, Chuuya. :( So shut up. :(((

Well, he's not lying in that he still can't say life has Meaning now that he's trying what he is with Fyodor. (It probably doesn't help that he's barely making any progress in trying. It's difficult - and a bit daunting - to push it too far, too quickly.)]

[Of course Dazai is annoyed. He hates being called out just as much as he hates being misunderstood. Chuuya can't help the smug expression on his face, but also sees no reason why he should hide it. He's right and he knows it, after all.]

Are you bored with him, too?

[He doesn't really believe that Dazai is bored right now, either. Maybe the part of him that's always a little bored, the one that Chuuya has never been able to reach or help him with, the kind that the keeps shut off from everyone... But it's better not to think about that. Dazai is here now.

And Chuuya definitely had a small victory here, so he's going to drink some more in celebration.]

Sure it's not exactly the same, but being challenged in a fight is how I feel alive.

[Which is why he won't just drop the rope and let people die. A duel is always the better option, even if being an executive means he doesn't always get that option. He has to prioritize the mafia over his own wants.

Or at least he's supposed to. He's being selfish lately and he knows it, and it definitely worries him when he lets himself think about it.]

[Now there is a surprisingly difficult question! Is he bored with Fyodor? Dazai wouldn't have thought so, but things have certainly changed between them, and this experiment of his has also altered the stakes. It means, basically, that while Dazai has won their final round, he now only has things to lose - many things, in both himself and Fyodor, and even possibly Chuuya. Is that not the essence of what it means to be bored? No good things to expect.

Still...]

... Not yet.

[Because Dazai is not giving up yet.

... Maybe he should sneak a visit to Odasaku's grave soon. No reason, clearly! He's just in the mood.]

If that were the only time you feel alive, you'd feel even less alive than I do, Chuuya.

[Which is not exactly the point here, but if Chuuya can drag in barely-related things, then so can Dazai.]

It's also bold of you to assume I want to feel alive in the first place.

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