indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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[It's just an arm, so it should really be fine, and yet it feels like it's pushing a boundary, even if it's not crossing one yet. But it's not crossing one yet, and so Dazai still lets it happen.

Good bandages can do wonders for keeping the skin from drying out, actually! You should try them sometime, Chuuya. Except don't, because then Dazai may just have to give them up. (The only thing that might make him do that.) So yes, Dazai's skin is very soft indeed, only the occasional ridge and bump of a scar interrupting the sensation - and even those are anything but rough, if very different in texture from skin unharmed.]

Are you saying I have no conviction?

[That -... Well, maybe it's not untrue, but it's still not something many people would say about Dazai, and he's a little curious as to how Chuuya might fill that in.

Yet another bit of curiosity that he'll likely regret. But he just doesn't want to bother caring about that. He's still well into the safe zone for now. Besides, having Chuuya focus on him physically is... not so bad. So far. It's probably the same thing people like about a pet dog licking them? Something like that!]

[And isn't that what they've always done? Pushed each other's boundaries, tested each other's limits, crossed that line but never by too much... By some definitions of too much. But then other people's definitions don't actually matter. Not when this is theirs.

It feels like an admission of trust, even if it probably isn't. It's just an arm. But it's still oddly satisfying, and he's not going to think about how that makes him feel.]

You don't want to have it.

[No, that's not right. Of course Dazai wants to have it. It would make his life easier, wouldn't it? If he could really believe. Maybe he'd be less miserable, too. Chuuya frowns, in the way he does when he's actually giving something some thought.

(Distracting him from the movie Dazai told him to focus on.)]

No. But you still hold yourself back from it, just in case. Or maybe it just looks different from other people's.

[This is... intimate. They've had sex so many times, but this is intimate. Without thinking about it, Chuuya curls his hand around Dazai's wrist, thumb stroking slowly back and forth over soft skin.]

As if anything could ever be that straightforward with you.

[Dazai is halfway regretting that he let Chuuya get even this far, the gentle stroking too sensitive on his skin to be fully comfortable. But that's more emotional than physical, and so he ignores his own misgivings. (It's a little too late to act like he's suddenly ticklish just to be annoying, anyway.)]

Anything straightforward can't possibly be real, Chuuya.

[He doesn't quite expect Chuuya to agree with him, because Chuuya is always straightforward as his own way of dealing with things, the polar opposite to Dazai's. But Dazai believes what he says.]

Pretending anything is that simple is merely ignoring the facts, if not being totally ignorant of them. [He sighs and lets himself flop back a little against the couch, though he doesn't try to wrench his arm away from Chuuya at all.] I'm not the latter, and I don't see why I should do the former just because that's what others do.

[Chuuya isn't going to disagree. Maybe Chuuya tries to deal with things in a straightforward way, but a lot of the time that's exactly because it's too complicated. Sometimes, the only way to handle that is to push directly through.

(And it's not like he doesn't have his own way of overcomplicating things, especially for himself.)]

Can't say I blame people who choose to pretend it's that simple, but I'd never expect that from you.

[Didn't he just tell Dazai to have more conviction? But that was teasing. And it's not like conviction has to be some sort of singular motivation anyway, like the guy in this film, living only to avenge his father. Since he'd been leaning on Dazai anyway, Chuuya follows when he flops back, presses a little more firmly against his side.]

But don't pretend you don't end up overcomplicating things, too.

[For being something of a thorn in Dazai's side, Chuuya is rather comfortable leaned against him there. Maybe he's small, but he's just the right size for a personal heater!]

Having more information and seeing more options doesn't equal overcompensating.

[He doesn't quite say that he doesn't overcomplicate, though. Not that he thinks he genuinely does, but sometimes these things are a matter of opinion... and:]

Having a lot of plans is not overcompensating either. It's just having a lot of plans.

[Don't slander his genius self, gosh!!]

[He'd object to being used as a heater... But Dazai is comfortable, too, so maybe it doesn't matter. A good mattress and pillow, even if he's too bony. Chuuya should feed him more.]

I know. Doesn't mean you're not overcomplicating everything.

[On screen, the main character isn't dead after all, and Chuuya has to roll his eyes a little. Of course he wasn't - who would have really thought that he was?]

I take it back, though. I thought about it. In the end you have more conviction than most. [A pause.] True love? He's alive because of true love? The guy who left her?

Doesn't mean I am overcomplicating everything, either.

[He is very good at letting Chuuya get the final word in, what are you even talking about??

Wait - he has more conviction than most? He's usually pretty confident about his many strengths, but this is not one he's ever considered ascribing to himself, and yet he's fairly certain that Chuuya doesn't mean it as an insult, either. It boggles the entirety of his cavernous mind (... it's a submerged cavern??? not empty!!), and even more so when Chuuya follows it up with: "True love?"

The movie. Right.]

He did and he didn't? He had his reasons.

[If Dazai isn't going to ask him to clarify, then Chuuya won't, either. He's distracted by the movie now, enjoying the plot for what it is, a fantasy, but unable to keep himself from questioning that particular aspect either way.]

Bet he'll leave again. I know the story will say they live happily ever after or whatever, but I think he'd leave.

[This is... not really on purpose. If he gave it more than half a second of thought, he'd realize what he was saying, but he doesn't usually bother with that when reacting to movies.]

Maybe she should just be a dread pirate, too.

[Dazai wants to know, but he certainly doesn't want to ask. That would, after all, be admitting to some level of investment in the answer, and like hell is he doing that. (Where is that conviction of his now, Chuu?!)

This is getting to be a bit of an awkward topic, in spite of everything that's not getting said, but it's mostly awkward because Dazai seriously doubts that Chuuya even realizes what he's saying... or, if he does, realizes how obvious he's being. It would be easy to mock him for it, too, but that wouldn't get either of them anywhere good, and honestly? It's just too embarrassing. Dazai almost feels bad for Chuuya, at times like this. Almost.

He breathes out slowly, not quite a sigh, and tries to behave. For now.]

Mhm, maybe she should. She was a bit too happy to accept his departure before, but if she turns into a pirate herself, she could at least hunt him down if he tries again.

[He'll realize what he's saying eventually. He just doesn't want to think too deeply about anything like that right now, and thinking about Dazai, and his convictions, was distracting enough.]

At least she can have fun as a pirate.

[Because her life otherwise has seemed pretty boring to him, consdiering everyone else gets all the action scenes. But yeah, maybe hunting him down isn't a bad idea.]

Something like true love isn't really that interesting anyway. Though I guess I wouldn't know anything about it.

You really wouldn't!

[ L O L just sayin'! Love is not in your dictionary, is it, Chuu? ("Loyalty" may start with the same letters, but it's not the same thing!!)

Dazai considers the more general aspects of what Chuuya is saying. He'd love to disagree, but he's just not sure he does.]

True love might be interesting if it was real, but who really believes in that kind of thing? The fact that the average person wants so much to believe in it in itself proves that it's not real.

And you would?

[Actually, would he? What about that perso --

Nope. Not going there. Not even remotely going there. That's a topic he will never touch on unless Dazai brings it up first, because he has no right, and... It hurts.]

Then what even is love? Like, regular love. Just a choice to stick with someone? Or is it giving someone the power to tear your life apart if they want? Even that guy turned up once he got his head out of his ass and realized she needed help.

Of course I would? I find my true love almost every day.

[It's just a random different woman every time. It's fine... Totally counts. Because he says so.]

Lots of people would say loving someone equals giving them power, but I have to disagree. [Even though love definitely can tear you apart, defining it by that doesn't feel right.] To start with, I'm not sure it counts as love if it's that one-sided.

[Well... There's some arguments to be made to the contrary there, but in a textbook case of true love? Earlier statements to the contrary, Dazai thinks that is correct.

If that also conveniently excuses him from ever having to worry about it, so much the better.]

[Just going to roll his eyes at that.]

Just like the guys I pick up at bars?

[Even though they're boring, and Chuuya is just using them, and he doesn't even do it that often anyway, both because he's busy and because those people are not who he wants.]

That's bullshit, though. If you feel like that, that's your feelings, other people don't get to define them for you just because they don't feel the same way. But -- [Let him think about the rest of it for a second.] -- I guess it's up to you how much power you give someone because of it.

[Maybe giving someone that power isn't necessary. People outside the mafia and their life style usually don't give that power to someone, do they? From what little he knows.]

That's completely different! [... Not really. But good luck getting him to admit that.] You're just looking to get laid, aren't you?

[Well, so much for the childish bickering. This talk about true love is actually kind of an interesting discussion to have, with the movie to provide non-personal context, a convenient wall to hide behind if and when necessary.]

Whether there's any power given or not, that's not a choice. How you deal with it and how much you care to acknowledge it, however, is.

In the end, isn't it just like any other feeling?

[Alright, perhaps a little more intense... but just as real or fake (mostly fake, Dazai thinks) as any other emotion, and equally unnecessary to dwell on.

Of course, this is coming from someone who only admits to emotions when they're safely and definitively consigned to the past.]

If I just wanted to get laid, wouldn't I go for someone satisfying?

[Well, no, because it's still working off steam, and it's still a distraction, so it's better than nothing. But he'll keep the argument just because he refuses to let Dazai win.

His hand is stroking down slower, fingers brushing over Dazai's knuckles, more familiar than the skin of his arms. Those are never covered, but he doesn't usually let himself touch Dazai in this way, wouldn't now either if he was thinking about it. It just feels good to touch, his thoughts are on their discussion.]

If they have power, they have power. Your only option for dealing with it would be to run away, right?

[Which is what this dread pirate bastard did. Chuuya's brow is slightly furrowed as he thinks.]

It can't just be a feeling. Feelings are annoying but they go away.

Depends on your definition of satisfying.

[Said dismissively, because frankly, Dazai is much the same when it comes to his lack-of-love life. Go figure, the one and only thing they have in common!

Chuuya touching him this way is still a bit weird, in spite of - or because of - the casual circumstances. Since there's no ill will behind the touches, though, it's better, Dazai decides, to not think too much about it. He doesn't like letting it stay too one-sided, though, and so he turns his hand upside down, to twist his fingers with Chuuya's.]

No... You could also stay, but ignore it. An argument could be made for that amounting to running too, though.

[This is getting awfully philosophical... or just too close for comfort. Discussing feelings in general feels much better by comparison.]

Do they? [Not really, he thinks - or wants to think - or maybe doesn't want to think at all.] They can change under extreme circumstances, but there's nothing to suggest they go away entirely.

[Notes on human experiments, exhibit 284365A.]

[Except Dazai linking their hands together draws Chuuya's attention back to what they're doing. He turns his head, stares at their hands for a few seconds, his cheeks heating up. He swears his pulse just jumped which is ridiculous.

He'll just ignore it. And pay attention to the movie.]

So then they were both running.

[That feels like admitting a little too much. This is all a little too much suddenly. This is just about the movie. He's refusing to look at Dazai, though he won't move or let go, either.]

Some feelings do. But I guess some people stop loving, too. Maybe you have to experience it to understand.

[Teehee, Chuuya's pulse jumped~! It's easy enough for Dazai to feel with their hands in this position, and while it makes him a bit more aware of what they're doing, much like it did Chuuya, it counts as a victory for Dazai, thus conveniently saving him from any feelings-related discomfort. (Speaking of running: he does that an awful lot on all levels of feelings, doesn't he? A true lack-of-emotional marathon runner!)]

Mhm. [They were definitely both running. Both boths, though Dazai isn't really taking the personal approach here.] One could say that he was, at least, more honest about what he was doing.

[No, not really, since he didn't intend to stay away. But who cares? It's just a movie, anyway.]

I wonder... [He really doesn't want to wonder. But whatever, they're on this topic, may as well chat about it. This part of it is legitimately alien to him anyway, and he does have some small level of curiosity regarding it, even though he doubts that Chuuya knows better than him. In a way that actually makes it easier to talk.] If people stop loving, was it really love in the first place? Or were they just determined to believe it was?

[Chuuya squeezes Dazai's hand a little tighter, and refuses to think about the fact that they're holding hands. He wants to press himself into him. He's definitely red by now. He hates feeling like this, because it makes him want so much, and it would be so much easier to turn it into anger to cover it all up. Dazai's not the only one who's been running.

But he manages to resist doing any of that.]

Maybe. Depends what excuses he was telling himself.

[He refuses to let Dazai present himself as the more honest one. Not that this is about him and Dazai, it's just the movie, just the damn movie. This is why Chuuya didn't want a movie about romance.]

How the hell are you supposed to know? It's not like they give you anything to compare it to. [He uses his free hand to make some frustrated gestures.] Like they describe the feelings, but the descriptions sound more like a stomach bug than anything.

But I know anger can go away, at least. Not always, but sometimes.

[Dazai silently accepts the excuse of excuses, in part because he doesn't especially want to argue pointless details like that... and in part because he doesn't totally disagree. Does it really matter? It's just a movie, anyway.]

It's true. If you want butterflies in your stomach, I can cook you up something that will do the trick. [And might also kill you, but, yanno... Same difference.

... Wait, did they just agree on something? Nah, probably not. Not in a way that matters, so it doesn't really count. And it's about fiction anyway, so it never counted in the first place!]

Sure, things like anger can go away. But then, did they have a solid reason to exist in the first place? [He sighs, finding the idea even more unpleasant than the topic as such.] This is exactly the problem with feelings.

[You know what's not wishy-washy? Death. There's no bullshit about that at all. It happens to everyone sooner or later, and then it's done.

It should probably be ironic that someone who can predict and plot basically anything still prefers the one uncontrollable certainty life offers, but that just proves that life is weird and not necessarily welcome.]

Yeah, I'm never eating your cooking again.

[Unfortunately, he tried it a few too many times already. He should have learned after the first time, really, but somehow it actually smelled good so he thought it was fine. Ugh. Don't remind him of that.]

Of course it was a solid reason. It's just that sometimes it burns out, or your perspective changes, or you decide something else is more important.

[Or it was never really about the anger in the first place... Actually, he really doesn't like this topic. It's all about the movie, but there's no way he's looking at Dazai right now. His voice is softer, but he's not going to acknowledge that.]

Anger is the only good feeling.

[Because every feeling can be anger if you try hard enough.]

But you haven't even tried my baked goods yet!

[Which is definitely for the best. Dazai should never be allowed anywhere near a kitchen - which is fine by him, too.]

If your perspective changes, that just means you didn't have a good reason the first time around, doesn't it? And if something else is more important, the same thing applies.

[The "burning out" seems vague and kind of random, really, but otherwise probably falls into the same category. It's such a tiresome subject... not that Dazai minds talking about it, but the topic as such is just silly.

And yet he's trying, in his own way. Whatever that's worth...]

You would say that. [That's worth a soft laugh, even if it's not a very kind one.] Simple doesn't always equal good, Chuuya!

I'd rather eat my own cooking.

[Chuuya doesn't cook. He has tried a few times, usually when drunk, and it's never ended well. He doesn't even keep food around unless it's to feed someone else.]

So it's that easy? Always black and white? Even your feelings change, Dazai.

[Wait. They weren't talking about themselves, they were talking about the movie. Chuuya definitely broke some rule there, and he's flinching slightly as he realizes. But then, Dazai is being a dick, so maybe it's time to forget about rules and elbow him in the side instead.

Except he'd have to move to do it. But Dazai is laughing at him. But he doesn't want to move.]

It's the only feeling you can actually use, instead of just having it used against you.

[Anger can also be used against you, but he didn't say it wasn't multipurpose.]

Oh. [Disappointment... No, just kidding!] So you're cooking next movie night! Got it.

[Ah yes, maid!Chuuya. Maybe Dazai would actually show up early, just to watch him suffer.

Meanwhile, this topic is suffering all around, but Dazai doesn't avoid it.]

My feelings only change when the facts change. [Witness: Ango. (Well, actually that's a lot more complicated too, but it works.)] Given that, what do the feelings even count for?

[Or maybe that's his own shield to hide behind, much like Chuuya uses anger. "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king." Then, in the land of the emotionally challenged, does Chuuya count as king?? Ugh, gross...]

Even you don't believe that, Chuuya. Besides, I've used anger against you plenty of times.

[Just. Casually pointing that out. He knows that Chuuya didn't technically deny that possibility, but he's going to rub it in anyway.]

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