indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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Doesn't mean I am overcomplicating everything, either.

[He is very good at letting Chuuya get the final word in, what are you even talking about??

Wait - he has more conviction than most? He's usually pretty confident about his many strengths, but this is not one he's ever considered ascribing to himself, and yet he's fairly certain that Chuuya doesn't mean it as an insult, either. It boggles the entirety of his cavernous mind (... it's a submerged cavern??? not empty!!), and even more so when Chuuya follows it up with: "True love?"

The movie. Right.]

He did and he didn't? He had his reasons.

[If Dazai isn't going to ask him to clarify, then Chuuya won't, either. He's distracted by the movie now, enjoying the plot for what it is, a fantasy, but unable to keep himself from questioning that particular aspect either way.]

Bet he'll leave again. I know the story will say they live happily ever after or whatever, but I think he'd leave.

[This is... not really on purpose. If he gave it more than half a second of thought, he'd realize what he was saying, but he doesn't usually bother with that when reacting to movies.]

Maybe she should just be a dread pirate, too.

[Dazai wants to know, but he certainly doesn't want to ask. That would, after all, be admitting to some level of investment in the answer, and like hell is he doing that. (Where is that conviction of his now, Chuu?!)

This is getting to be a bit of an awkward topic, in spite of everything that's not getting said, but it's mostly awkward because Dazai seriously doubts that Chuuya even realizes what he's saying... or, if he does, realizes how obvious he's being. It would be easy to mock him for it, too, but that wouldn't get either of them anywhere good, and honestly? It's just too embarrassing. Dazai almost feels bad for Chuuya, at times like this. Almost.

He breathes out slowly, not quite a sigh, and tries to behave. For now.]

Mhm, maybe she should. She was a bit too happy to accept his departure before, but if she turns into a pirate herself, she could at least hunt him down if he tries again.

[He'll realize what he's saying eventually. He just doesn't want to think too deeply about anything like that right now, and thinking about Dazai, and his convictions, was distracting enough.]

At least she can have fun as a pirate.

[Because her life otherwise has seemed pretty boring to him, consdiering everyone else gets all the action scenes. But yeah, maybe hunting him down isn't a bad idea.]

Something like true love isn't really that interesting anyway. Though I guess I wouldn't know anything about it.

You really wouldn't!

[ L O L just sayin'! Love is not in your dictionary, is it, Chuu? ("Loyalty" may start with the same letters, but it's not the same thing!!)

Dazai considers the more general aspects of what Chuuya is saying. He'd love to disagree, but he's just not sure he does.]

True love might be interesting if it was real, but who really believes in that kind of thing? The fact that the average person wants so much to believe in it in itself proves that it's not real.

And you would?

[Actually, would he? What about that perso --

Nope. Not going there. Not even remotely going there. That's a topic he will never touch on unless Dazai brings it up first, because he has no right, and... It hurts.]

Then what even is love? Like, regular love. Just a choice to stick with someone? Or is it giving someone the power to tear your life apart if they want? Even that guy turned up once he got his head out of his ass and realized she needed help.

Of course I would? I find my true love almost every day.

[It's just a random different woman every time. It's fine... Totally counts. Because he says so.]

Lots of people would say loving someone equals giving them power, but I have to disagree. [Even though love definitely can tear you apart, defining it by that doesn't feel right.] To start with, I'm not sure it counts as love if it's that one-sided.

[Well... There's some arguments to be made to the contrary there, but in a textbook case of true love? Earlier statements to the contrary, Dazai thinks that is correct.

If that also conveniently excuses him from ever having to worry about it, so much the better.]

[Just going to roll his eyes at that.]

Just like the guys I pick up at bars?

[Even though they're boring, and Chuuya is just using them, and he doesn't even do it that often anyway, both because he's busy and because those people are not who he wants.]

That's bullshit, though. If you feel like that, that's your feelings, other people don't get to define them for you just because they don't feel the same way. But -- [Let him think about the rest of it for a second.] -- I guess it's up to you how much power you give someone because of it.

[Maybe giving someone that power isn't necessary. People outside the mafia and their life style usually don't give that power to someone, do they? From what little he knows.]

That's completely different! [... Not really. But good luck getting him to admit that.] You're just looking to get laid, aren't you?

[Well, so much for the childish bickering. This talk about true love is actually kind of an interesting discussion to have, with the movie to provide non-personal context, a convenient wall to hide behind if and when necessary.]

Whether there's any power given or not, that's not a choice. How you deal with it and how much you care to acknowledge it, however, is.

In the end, isn't it just like any other feeling?

[Alright, perhaps a little more intense... but just as real or fake (mostly fake, Dazai thinks) as any other emotion, and equally unnecessary to dwell on.

Of course, this is coming from someone who only admits to emotions when they're safely and definitively consigned to the past.]

If I just wanted to get laid, wouldn't I go for someone satisfying?

[Well, no, because it's still working off steam, and it's still a distraction, so it's better than nothing. But he'll keep the argument just because he refuses to let Dazai win.

His hand is stroking down slower, fingers brushing over Dazai's knuckles, more familiar than the skin of his arms. Those are never covered, but he doesn't usually let himself touch Dazai in this way, wouldn't now either if he was thinking about it. It just feels good to touch, his thoughts are on their discussion.]

If they have power, they have power. Your only option for dealing with it would be to run away, right?

[Which is what this dread pirate bastard did. Chuuya's brow is slightly furrowed as he thinks.]

It can't just be a feeling. Feelings are annoying but they go away.

Depends on your definition of satisfying.

[Said dismissively, because frankly, Dazai is much the same when it comes to his lack-of-love life. Go figure, the one and only thing they have in common!

Chuuya touching him this way is still a bit weird, in spite of - or because of - the casual circumstances. Since there's no ill will behind the touches, though, it's better, Dazai decides, to not think too much about it. He doesn't like letting it stay too one-sided, though, and so he turns his hand upside down, to twist his fingers with Chuuya's.]

No... You could also stay, but ignore it. An argument could be made for that amounting to running too, though.

[This is getting awfully philosophical... or just too close for comfort. Discussing feelings in general feels much better by comparison.]

Do they? [Not really, he thinks - or wants to think - or maybe doesn't want to think at all.] They can change under extreme circumstances, but there's nothing to suggest they go away entirely.

[Notes on human experiments, exhibit 284365A.]

[Except Dazai linking their hands together draws Chuuya's attention back to what they're doing. He turns his head, stares at their hands for a few seconds, his cheeks heating up. He swears his pulse just jumped which is ridiculous.

He'll just ignore it. And pay attention to the movie.]

So then they were both running.

[That feels like admitting a little too much. This is all a little too much suddenly. This is just about the movie. He's refusing to look at Dazai, though he won't move or let go, either.]

Some feelings do. But I guess some people stop loving, too. Maybe you have to experience it to understand.

[Teehee, Chuuya's pulse jumped~! It's easy enough for Dazai to feel with their hands in this position, and while it makes him a bit more aware of what they're doing, much like it did Chuuya, it counts as a victory for Dazai, thus conveniently saving him from any feelings-related discomfort. (Speaking of running: he does that an awful lot on all levels of feelings, doesn't he? A true lack-of-emotional marathon runner!)]

Mhm. [They were definitely both running. Both boths, though Dazai isn't really taking the personal approach here.] One could say that he was, at least, more honest about what he was doing.

[No, not really, since he didn't intend to stay away. But who cares? It's just a movie, anyway.]

I wonder... [He really doesn't want to wonder. But whatever, they're on this topic, may as well chat about it. This part of it is legitimately alien to him anyway, and he does have some small level of curiosity regarding it, even though he doubts that Chuuya knows better than him. In a way that actually makes it easier to talk.] If people stop loving, was it really love in the first place? Or were they just determined to believe it was?

[Chuuya squeezes Dazai's hand a little tighter, and refuses to think about the fact that they're holding hands. He wants to press himself into him. He's definitely red by now. He hates feeling like this, because it makes him want so much, and it would be so much easier to turn it into anger to cover it all up. Dazai's not the only one who's been running.

But he manages to resist doing any of that.]

Maybe. Depends what excuses he was telling himself.

[He refuses to let Dazai present himself as the more honest one. Not that this is about him and Dazai, it's just the movie, just the damn movie. This is why Chuuya didn't want a movie about romance.]

How the hell are you supposed to know? It's not like they give you anything to compare it to. [He uses his free hand to make some frustrated gestures.] Like they describe the feelings, but the descriptions sound more like a stomach bug than anything.

But I know anger can go away, at least. Not always, but sometimes.

[Dazai silently accepts the excuse of excuses, in part because he doesn't especially want to argue pointless details like that... and in part because he doesn't totally disagree. Does it really matter? It's just a movie, anyway.]

It's true. If you want butterflies in your stomach, I can cook you up something that will do the trick. [And might also kill you, but, yanno... Same difference.

... Wait, did they just agree on something? Nah, probably not. Not in a way that matters, so it doesn't really count. And it's about fiction anyway, so it never counted in the first place!]

Sure, things like anger can go away. But then, did they have a solid reason to exist in the first place? [He sighs, finding the idea even more unpleasant than the topic as such.] This is exactly the problem with feelings.

[You know what's not wishy-washy? Death. There's no bullshit about that at all. It happens to everyone sooner or later, and then it's done.

It should probably be ironic that someone who can predict and plot basically anything still prefers the one uncontrollable certainty life offers, but that just proves that life is weird and not necessarily welcome.]

Yeah, I'm never eating your cooking again.

[Unfortunately, he tried it a few too many times already. He should have learned after the first time, really, but somehow it actually smelled good so he thought it was fine. Ugh. Don't remind him of that.]

Of course it was a solid reason. It's just that sometimes it burns out, or your perspective changes, or you decide something else is more important.

[Or it was never really about the anger in the first place... Actually, he really doesn't like this topic. It's all about the movie, but there's no way he's looking at Dazai right now. His voice is softer, but he's not going to acknowledge that.]

Anger is the only good feeling.

[Because every feeling can be anger if you try hard enough.]

But you haven't even tried my baked goods yet!

[Which is definitely for the best. Dazai should never be allowed anywhere near a kitchen - which is fine by him, too.]

If your perspective changes, that just means you didn't have a good reason the first time around, doesn't it? And if something else is more important, the same thing applies.

[The "burning out" seems vague and kind of random, really, but otherwise probably falls into the same category. It's such a tiresome subject... not that Dazai minds talking about it, but the topic as such is just silly.

And yet he's trying, in his own way. Whatever that's worth...]

You would say that. [That's worth a soft laugh, even if it's not a very kind one.] Simple doesn't always equal good, Chuuya!

I'd rather eat my own cooking.

[Chuuya doesn't cook. He has tried a few times, usually when drunk, and it's never ended well. He doesn't even keep food around unless it's to feed someone else.]

So it's that easy? Always black and white? Even your feelings change, Dazai.

[Wait. They weren't talking about themselves, they were talking about the movie. Chuuya definitely broke some rule there, and he's flinching slightly as he realizes. But then, Dazai is being a dick, so maybe it's time to forget about rules and elbow him in the side instead.

Except he'd have to move to do it. But Dazai is laughing at him. But he doesn't want to move.]

It's the only feeling you can actually use, instead of just having it used against you.

[Anger can also be used against you, but he didn't say it wasn't multipurpose.]

Oh. [Disappointment... No, just kidding!] So you're cooking next movie night! Got it.

[Ah yes, maid!Chuuya. Maybe Dazai would actually show up early, just to watch him suffer.

Meanwhile, this topic is suffering all around, but Dazai doesn't avoid it.]

My feelings only change when the facts change. [Witness: Ango. (Well, actually that's a lot more complicated too, but it works.)] Given that, what do the feelings even count for?

[Or maybe that's his own shield to hide behind, much like Chuuya uses anger. "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king." Then, in the land of the emotionally challenged, does Chuuya count as king?? Ugh, gross...]

Even you don't believe that, Chuuya. Besides, I've used anger against you plenty of times.

[Just. Casually pointing that out. He knows that Chuuya didn't technically deny that possibility, but he's going to rub it in anyway.]

You know I can't cook!

[Wait, Dazai is already agreeing to another movie night? It was always going to happen, but they often deny it, and Dazai especially usually likes to be a dick about it, dragging it out and avoiding Chuuya for a bit. He could try to cook. Dazai just doesn't get to complain about how bad it it.

Maybe he could get someone else to cook and bring it over and pretend... No, that wouldn't work with Dazai.

Thinking about cooking is just a lot easier than thinking about this. He's quiet for a second, aside from an annoyed little sound - not really an objection, because he can't really object to the truth as much as he'd like to - to Dazai pointing out he uses Chuuya's anger against him. It still doesn't negate Chuuya's point, though!]

Most people can't use my anger against me. They'd die.

[And his point had still been that Chuuya can use his own anger. He can use it to keep fighting, keep going. He can use it to mask everything else he's feeling, trick people - he can lie when he's angry, because most people won't see past his anger. But.]

Maybe that makes your feelings more honest than most.

It's not a skill anyone is born with, Chuuya! You can learn!!

[... Or not. But Dazai does so enjoy making Chuuya do chores for him, and this would be no exception. Chuuya really shouldn't bother, though. There's at least a 95% chance that Dazai will complain about his cooking for the sake of it (though he may or may not go back on that eventually).

As for the anger issue: Dazai will just leave that topic alone. He could argue, but there's no denying that Chuuya makes good use of his anger for his own reasons. And if he's happy that way (or even just convincing himself he is), he is, unfortunately, doing much better at life than Dazai!

He side-eyes Chuuya, not sure if that was supposed to mock him or not, because while it doesn't seem like something Chuuya would mock him for... what else can you expect, with a silly thing like feelings? And, actually: it's the lack of feelings he was talking about?!]

... Honesty has nothing to do with it.

Who the hell has time for that?

[He has wanted to, at times, but work comes first. And outside of work, there's not much time. And he avoids spending time alone in his own apartment, so there's not much point anyway, if he'd be cooking for himself most of the time. But maybe he wouldn't mind if it was for Dazai.

No, Dazai would just be a dick about it. It would end with Chuuya throwing burnt pancakes aat Dazai's face.

He leans into Dazai a little more, avoiding that side-eye by only letting Dazai see the top of his head. He knows what Dazai means, anyway, and he doesn't agree at all. His own point wasn't meant as mocking - he knows he sees Dazai differently than other people, but that doesn't mean he's the one who's wrong.]

Yeah, it does. You're just an idiot. [It's not said as an insult. He squeezes Dazai's hand.] You really think I never saw it?

Of course you think you saw it. But it's hard to take being called an idiot seriously, when it comes from the likes of Chuuya.

[He is definitely 100% avoiding as much as he can of the actual topic, because it's a terrible one, and just because he maybe should talk about it, that doesn't mean he wants to. The fact that Chuuya is sorta kinda in-a-Chuuya-way almost complimenting him just makes it extra uncomfortable!

He doesn't pull his hand free, at least. So it is, perhaps, not much of a protest.]

Shut up. If you're not even arguing, then that means I'm right.

[Or at least, that's what Chuuya has decided. It's not like Dazai could change his mind anyway.

But maybe he won't mind if there's a change of topic, because it really is awkward, too close to something that definitely isn't allowed. He shifts to look at the TV again, where the movie is building up towards its climax. Chuuya hopes that guy gets his revenge finally, that the movie doesn't chicken out because killing is supposed to be bad.]

If that guy gives up on what he wants, I'm turning off the rest of the movie.

[If someone can actually have what they want, they need to fight for it.]

If I had to argue with you every single time you're wrong, I'd run out of breath and starve to death for lack of time to eat.

[So no :( you're not right at all :(( shut up.]

The movie's already almost over, Chuuya. [So what would turning it off accomplish at this point? Seriously...

Actually, Dazai is just going to turn it off regardless. Because he can, and because he's a dick, and because, on an incredibly childish, petty level, he's still annoyed by Chuuya calling him out.]

Let's just make sure the ending can't get ruined for you, hmm?

[That is definitely why he's doing this. (Nope, definitely not.)]

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