indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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[Dazai silently accepts the excuse of excuses, in part because he doesn't especially want to argue pointless details like that... and in part because he doesn't totally disagree. Does it really matter? It's just a movie, anyway.]

It's true. If you want butterflies in your stomach, I can cook you up something that will do the trick. [And might also kill you, but, yanno... Same difference.

... Wait, did they just agree on something? Nah, probably not. Not in a way that matters, so it doesn't really count. And it's about fiction anyway, so it never counted in the first place!]

Sure, things like anger can go away. But then, did they have a solid reason to exist in the first place? [He sighs, finding the idea even more unpleasant than the topic as such.] This is exactly the problem with feelings.

[You know what's not wishy-washy? Death. There's no bullshit about that at all. It happens to everyone sooner or later, and then it's done.

It should probably be ironic that someone who can predict and plot basically anything still prefers the one uncontrollable certainty life offers, but that just proves that life is weird and not necessarily welcome.]

Yeah, I'm never eating your cooking again.

[Unfortunately, he tried it a few too many times already. He should have learned after the first time, really, but somehow it actually smelled good so he thought it was fine. Ugh. Don't remind him of that.]

Of course it was a solid reason. It's just that sometimes it burns out, or your perspective changes, or you decide something else is more important.

[Or it was never really about the anger in the first place... Actually, he really doesn't like this topic. It's all about the movie, but there's no way he's looking at Dazai right now. His voice is softer, but he's not going to acknowledge that.]

Anger is the only good feeling.

[Because every feeling can be anger if you try hard enough.]

But you haven't even tried my baked goods yet!

[Which is definitely for the best. Dazai should never be allowed anywhere near a kitchen - which is fine by him, too.]

If your perspective changes, that just means you didn't have a good reason the first time around, doesn't it? And if something else is more important, the same thing applies.

[The "burning out" seems vague and kind of random, really, but otherwise probably falls into the same category. It's such a tiresome subject... not that Dazai minds talking about it, but the topic as such is just silly.

And yet he's trying, in his own way. Whatever that's worth...]

You would say that. [That's worth a soft laugh, even if it's not a very kind one.] Simple doesn't always equal good, Chuuya!

I'd rather eat my own cooking.

[Chuuya doesn't cook. He has tried a few times, usually when drunk, and it's never ended well. He doesn't even keep food around unless it's to feed someone else.]

So it's that easy? Always black and white? Even your feelings change, Dazai.

[Wait. They weren't talking about themselves, they were talking about the movie. Chuuya definitely broke some rule there, and he's flinching slightly as he realizes. But then, Dazai is being a dick, so maybe it's time to forget about rules and elbow him in the side instead.

Except he'd have to move to do it. But Dazai is laughing at him. But he doesn't want to move.]

It's the only feeling you can actually use, instead of just having it used against you.

[Anger can also be used against you, but he didn't say it wasn't multipurpose.]

Oh. [Disappointment... No, just kidding!] So you're cooking next movie night! Got it.

[Ah yes, maid!Chuuya. Maybe Dazai would actually show up early, just to watch him suffer.

Meanwhile, this topic is suffering all around, but Dazai doesn't avoid it.]

My feelings only change when the facts change. [Witness: Ango. (Well, actually that's a lot more complicated too, but it works.)] Given that, what do the feelings even count for?

[Or maybe that's his own shield to hide behind, much like Chuuya uses anger. "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king." Then, in the land of the emotionally challenged, does Chuuya count as king?? Ugh, gross...]

Even you don't believe that, Chuuya. Besides, I've used anger against you plenty of times.

[Just. Casually pointing that out. He knows that Chuuya didn't technically deny that possibility, but he's going to rub it in anyway.]

You know I can't cook!

[Wait, Dazai is already agreeing to another movie night? It was always going to happen, but they often deny it, and Dazai especially usually likes to be a dick about it, dragging it out and avoiding Chuuya for a bit. He could try to cook. Dazai just doesn't get to complain about how bad it it.

Maybe he could get someone else to cook and bring it over and pretend... No, that wouldn't work with Dazai.

Thinking about cooking is just a lot easier than thinking about this. He's quiet for a second, aside from an annoyed little sound - not really an objection, because he can't really object to the truth as much as he'd like to - to Dazai pointing out he uses Chuuya's anger against him. It still doesn't negate Chuuya's point, though!]

Most people can't use my anger against me. They'd die.

[And his point had still been that Chuuya can use his own anger. He can use it to keep fighting, keep going. He can use it to mask everything else he's feeling, trick people - he can lie when he's angry, because most people won't see past his anger. But.]

Maybe that makes your feelings more honest than most.

It's not a skill anyone is born with, Chuuya! You can learn!!

[... Or not. But Dazai does so enjoy making Chuuya do chores for him, and this would be no exception. Chuuya really shouldn't bother, though. There's at least a 95% chance that Dazai will complain about his cooking for the sake of it (though he may or may not go back on that eventually).

As for the anger issue: Dazai will just leave that topic alone. He could argue, but there's no denying that Chuuya makes good use of his anger for his own reasons. And if he's happy that way (or even just convincing himself he is), he is, unfortunately, doing much better at life than Dazai!

He side-eyes Chuuya, not sure if that was supposed to mock him or not, because while it doesn't seem like something Chuuya would mock him for... what else can you expect, with a silly thing like feelings? And, actually: it's the lack of feelings he was talking about?!]

... Honesty has nothing to do with it.

Who the hell has time for that?

[He has wanted to, at times, but work comes first. And outside of work, there's not much time. And he avoids spending time alone in his own apartment, so there's not much point anyway, if he'd be cooking for himself most of the time. But maybe he wouldn't mind if it was for Dazai.

No, Dazai would just be a dick about it. It would end with Chuuya throwing burnt pancakes aat Dazai's face.

He leans into Dazai a little more, avoiding that side-eye by only letting Dazai see the top of his head. He knows what Dazai means, anyway, and he doesn't agree at all. His own point wasn't meant as mocking - he knows he sees Dazai differently than other people, but that doesn't mean he's the one who's wrong.]

Yeah, it does. You're just an idiot. [It's not said as an insult. He squeezes Dazai's hand.] You really think I never saw it?

Of course you think you saw it. But it's hard to take being called an idiot seriously, when it comes from the likes of Chuuya.

[He is definitely 100% avoiding as much as he can of the actual topic, because it's a terrible one, and just because he maybe should talk about it, that doesn't mean he wants to. The fact that Chuuya is sorta kinda in-a-Chuuya-way almost complimenting him just makes it extra uncomfortable!

He doesn't pull his hand free, at least. So it is, perhaps, not much of a protest.]

Shut up. If you're not even arguing, then that means I'm right.

[Or at least, that's what Chuuya has decided. It's not like Dazai could change his mind anyway.

But maybe he won't mind if there's a change of topic, because it really is awkward, too close to something that definitely isn't allowed. He shifts to look at the TV again, where the movie is building up towards its climax. Chuuya hopes that guy gets his revenge finally, that the movie doesn't chicken out because killing is supposed to be bad.]

If that guy gives up on what he wants, I'm turning off the rest of the movie.

[If someone can actually have what they want, they need to fight for it.]

If I had to argue with you every single time you're wrong, I'd run out of breath and starve to death for lack of time to eat.

[So no :( you're not right at all :(( shut up.]

The movie's already almost over, Chuuya. [So what would turning it off accomplish at this point? Seriously...

Actually, Dazai is just going to turn it off regardless. Because he can, and because he's a dick, and because, on an incredibly childish, petty level, he's still annoyed by Chuuya calling him out.]

Let's just make sure the ending can't get ruined for you, hmm?

[That is definitely why he's doing this. (Nope, definitely not.)]

[Chuuya would argue. He's about to, mouth open and everything, when Dazaia turns off the movie. He stares at the black screen for a second. And then up at Dazai.]

What the hell, Dazai?!

[He's more surprised than angry, but he's very good at turning feelings into anger if that's what he needs. It's still the only feeling that makes sense.]

I didn't say I wanted to turn it off yet!

[Which is why Dazai did it, of course. But he still has one hand free (don't question him on why he's not letting go with his other), so he can still try to wrestle that remote away from Dazai.]

[And Dazai, fully prepared, holds that remote wayyy high in the air, where Chuuya can't reach, because Chuuya can't reach.]

If you're just going to complain about it all the time, what's the point in watching?

[Dazai moves the remote around to dodge any attempts Chuuya makes to retrieve it, though he only moves his arm, not anything else. That would be effort, and he doesn't actually care all that much.]

You don't want to watch a movie, Chuuya. You're only looking for anything that confirms your own points of view.

[He might be able to reach if he climbed on top of Dazai. Chuuya considers it, snatching after the remote that's just out of reach, wondering if it's worth turning it into an actual squabble. It might ruin the mood for the rest of the movie. On the other hand, can he really just let Dazai get away with being a dick?

Except those words are enough to make him pause.]

That's not what I'm doing.

[It was. And he hates when Dazai calls him out for actually valid reasons. He feels himself deflate a little, sinking back down against the couch, not quite as tucked agains Dazai's side as he was.]

... I want to watch the movie. Those guys deserve a happy ending.

[That was easy! Is that a good thing, though, or the exact opposite? Dazai side-eyes Chuuya, trying to figure it out.

Oh well, an obedient Chuuya deserves a reward, he supposes. He lowers the remote again, pushing play.]

Nobody really deserves anything, Chuuya.

But let's see how the story goes anyway.

[Was there more popcorn? He's having more snacks.]

[There are plenty more snacks, because Chuuya always buys more than they need. He'll pass it to Dazai without making him wrestle for it, for once, though he'll snag a handful for himself. He doesn't immediately eat it, though. Or respond.

So maybe he's thinking.]

They do. It doesn't mean they'll get it, but they can still deserve it. What someone deserves is just opinion anyway.

[He doesn't believe there's some inherent right some people have to certain things. Although some people do seem to get more than their fair share, don't they?]

[Dazai hums in agreement... for once. Let's not think too much about that. He's already been contrary enough on purpose, surely? Variety is the spice of life, and all!]

If what someone is thought to deserve is up to chance, and what they actually get is the same, maybe it all evens out?

[He's not sure himself how serious he is about that, really, but it seems as likely as anything.]

Although putting it that way also makes it seem like anyone getting what you feel they deserve is like winning the lottery. [He throws a bit of popcorn into the air, just so he can catch it with his mouth.] Not worth buying a lottery ticket, really!

[Basically just reward and/or murder as you see fit; that makes much more sense. Not that he makes a habit of murder anymore, but it's pretty solid in theory!]

Edited 2023-03-09 09:31 (UTC)

[Chuuya can't resist. Dazai throws the popcorn, and he reaches up, snatches it right out of the air before Dazai can catch it again. He's smiling wide, smug.]

Or maybe it's up to me to give people what I've decided they deserve.

[Dazai's not the only one who gets to have a bit of a god complex here! Though Chuuya is definitely joking. Mostly. Hey, one of the perks of being powerful is that when someone deserves to get their ass kicked, you can just do it.

And if he decides someone deserves protection, he can arrange that, too.]

But don't buy a lottery ticket. You definitely don't deserve to win, so I'd reward someone else with that money instead.

[Wow. Wow! Dazai pops your metaphorical corn, and this is how you thank him?! Dazai gives him the dirtiest of dirty looks, though he doesn't otherwise acknowledge Chuuya's actions... for now.]

It would be weirder if you chose to give people what they didn't deserve, surely?

[No, what Chuuya said kind of makes sense, but Dazai is in no mood to admit that anymore. Just watch the damn movie and stop emotionally and/or culinarily bullying him, gosh!!]

Mwu mweena brado ooie ia uh-ay.

[... So, about that popcorn... It seems the whole rest of it has found itself into Dazai's mouth. All at once. Imagine that!

This is how you give people what they deserve.]

[Chuuya is just gonna eat his rightfully stolen piece of popcorn, enjoying that dirty look Dazai is giving him. Any victory against Dazai is always satisfying.]

It would be. But not as much fun for me.

[Because maybe he likes rewarding people. Or maybe because he likes punishing Dazai. Few things are as entertaining as that, even if he's rarely able to get away with it. It's usually worth risking the revenge.

Except eating all the snacks isn't even revenge??]

What the hell, Dazai, you're gonna choke!

[Just gonna try to yank all the snacks back and move them out of his reach, if he can.]

That's disgusting!

[Dazai isn't going to fight Chuuya over what little may be left of the popcorn, let alone any other snacks lying around. He's... going to need a bit of time to get what's in his mouth all chewed up and swallowed, anyway.

But not as long as you might think.]

On the contrary, it was very tasty.

[Ignore how he's casually wiping some crumbs off his face. He really had to go deep for a moment there!]

My compliments to the chef. [ L O L ]

[He dumps the snacks away from them both, since Dazai isn't fighting for them. He should have stolen the rest of the popcorn bag along with that one kernel, clearly, just to actually get one over on Dazai.

He tosses a napkin at Dazai as well.]

Choking would have been what you deserve.

[Except, no, Chuuya would have freaked out. But still.]

[Dazai catches the napkin Chuuya throws at him - which is a lot harder than it looks, but of course he manages. Of course they both manage. He very elegantly dabs at his mouth with it before sticking it into his pocket. (Is he just stealing for fun now?? It's hard to say.)]

You don't believe that.

[Which is probably not a call-out he should be making, now or ever, but the words leave his lips regardless.

Oh well, it's probably fine.]

[The only reaction he gets is a slightly annoyed look, Chuuya turning his head away, back towards the tv. He doesn't like being called out. Anyway, he wasn't called out, because Dazai is wrong, as always.]

Yeah, you would have ended up coughing on me if you did.

[Clearly the only reason he wouldn't want Dazai to choke on anything.

And -- oh, is that guy in the movie finally going to get revenge? He's going to ignore being called out (he's not sulking) and focus on that, making a small jump in excitement, punching the air with his free hand, as Inigo Montoya finally kills his father's murderer.]

Yes! I knew he wouldn't chicken out!

[So maybe he gets really into movies, don't tell anyone.]

You really think I couldn't choke on something properly?!

[Dazai lets his head fall back against the couch in mostly-faux annoyance, briefly closing his eyes, but he's not really that emotionally invested either way. It's just a bit annoying when he could call Chuuya out, and he probably should call Chuuya out, but if he did so, he would be bringing attention to a fact - i.e. Chuuya actually caring - that he would rather be ignoring at the moment, himself. This is true suffering! He could be calling out Chuuya six ways to Sunday, and yet..!

Fortunately the movie is a good distraction - and, for the record: Dazai is not the least bit surprised at how into things Chuuya got. He's the same with games, after all. Heck, he's the same with everything, isn't he? Not that Dazai is jealous, or anything.]

Well, there's no way a movie would have let things end differently... but I will agree that it's well deserved.

[You know, that "deserving" thing that he just admitted was bullshit. That deserving. But, even if it's just a social construct at best... it's not so bad, in movies and the like? Perhaps the concept is even more artificial there, but all the same... there's a certain beauty in something fake being played as something fake.

Maybe Dazai doesn't mind movies, either. But they're a lot easier to enjoy with a simpleton like Chuuya, enjoying them vicariously through him just enough that all the things that are emphatically wrong and/or fake don't stand out as much somehow.]

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