indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

You could crush Mori-san's head, and maybe you should. But you don't.

[Same basic difference, clearly. Ohhh, the irony!! The chibi and the giant play the same role! (Well, the giant writes better poetry.)]

It's true, you are exactly that same kind of dimwit.

[No offense. (Kind of offense.)

Hoping to distract Chuuya from that insult, Dazai immediately follows it by sitting up straight and turning towards him. He's clearly having some incredible revelation here!]

Chuuya! Say: "Hello, my name is Chuuya Nakahara..."

[Why is Chuuya basically the entire cast now? OH WELL!]

[Predictably, Chuuya's attention is immediately on Dazai again, tension in his face.]

The boss is nothing like that guy.

[He cares less about the insult to himself. He's used to that from Dazai - and it does deserve a punch to the face - but Dazai has been insulting Mori every chance he gets lately, trying to convince Chuuya not to forgive him so easily. As if there's been anything to forgive. As if Chuuya isn't the one who owes Mori everything. Dazai knows that.

He frowns. Hesitates a second.]

Is this your new game? Trying to convince people to give up on what they believe in, just to see what would happen? For your entertainment?

[Him and Fyodor, he means. So no, he won't play along by saying any lines. But his leg is still thrown across Dazai's lap, a sign he's not actually angry yet. He's still making up his mind there.]

[Dazai knows that Chuuya is delusional, that's what he knows. But it's not as if he expects to change Chuuya's mind at all. If he was trying to do that, he would have gone about it very differently.

Doesn't mean he can't declare some ultimate truths every now and then. And it also doesn't mean, apparently, that he can't feel a-tiny-bit-but-still-unreasonably hurt at that accusation.]

If I was doing something like that, do you really think that you would be aware of it?

[Just saying. Not to mention that trying that kind of thing on Fyodor would be beyond impossible. If anything, it's the opposite: Fyodor and Dazai have both entered their little experiment with little confidence in its success. But then, that's sort of unique for them in itself...]

Just watch the movie, Chuuya.

[Dazai's good(?) mood is now ruined. 🙎‍♂️ It's all Chuuya's fault again. 🙎‍♂️🙎‍♂️🙎‍♂️ ]

[Chuuya frowns, watching Dazai quietly for a second. He believes him, not because of that logic - Chuuya might not be able to keep up with Dazai's plans, that doesn't mean he can never keep up at all - but because of his tone. It's barely there, but they've been partners for too long by now. He lets out a soft tch, turns back to the screen.]

You're right. You'd be too lazy anyway.

[It's not an apology, because they never apologize, and besides, Dazai was being an ass. But it's at least an acknowledgment that maybe he jumped to that conclusion way too quickly. There are too many reasons why Dazai wouldn't try that with him, even if he is doing something not-quite-like-that with Fyodor.

It's definitely time to drink a bit more.]

[Funny, isn't it, that Dazai has never tried to convert Chuuya to the side of good? There are many reasons for that, of course. Firstly: Dazai wasn't sure where exactly he'd end up, and how well he'd do there. Whether successful or unsuccessful, getting Chuuya aboard prematurely might have ended with Dazai either stuck with Chuuya or both of them stuck on opposite sides. (Dazai isn't sure he likes either scenario, but he's certainly not letting circumstances make the decision for him.) Secondly: the mafia needed Chuuya's power, and needs it still. And thirdly: Chuuya is happy where he is. Not that Mini Black wouldn't be happy just about anywhere with people... What a weirdo.

Maybe, in the unlikely event that Fyodor gets on the side of good, it will be time to invite Chuuya there as well. It seems different then, with the weird relationship they have, even though objectively it should feel more like putting all Dazai's ~~eggs~~ asses in one basket.

It is always time to drink more, and Dazai is all too happy to indulge too, as a sword fight breaks out on the tv. The movements are definitely a bit stilted, even to the untrained eye... but then, there are reasons for that.]

[Chuuya won't judge the sword fighting too much. He's absolutely the type to complain about fake fights on TV, but usually only if he's bored, and this movie isn't boring at least. Besides, he's still distracted by Dazai. He watches the movie in silence for a few minutes, drinking more booze, but still trying to stop himself from drinking too quickly. It would be easier if he was drunk.

As a peace offering, he flicks some of the snacks at Dazai.]

See? Making it a proper duel was the smart choice. Just killing him by dropping the rope would have been too easy anyway.

[See? Being like Chuuya is better. Sure, dropping the rope would have been safer, but safe is rarely the best option, in his experience.]

[Dazai catches the snacks without even looking over, because of course he does.]

There is no such thing as "too easy", Chuuya. Even an overachiever like you could have spent that energy on other ventures and achieved more in the same time.

[Which is probably the goal, because what else could be the goal in working so hard? (... No, Dazai knows what the goal is. But that doesn't mean he has to acknowledge such silly ideas.)]

The only people who feel otherwise are you, and fictional characters.

[He gestures at the screen with his snack (as one does), where the sword fighters each switch from fighting left-handed to fighting right-handed. Because of course they do.]

[Chuuya glances up at him for a second.]

No. You feel that way, too, at least sometimes.

[He says it with the kind of confidence no one should have when making statement about Dazai, but he's always had that confidence when it comes to his partner. He smirks, grabbing some more snacks for himself - they're going to run through these pretty quickly at this rate, but that's why he got a lot of different ones.]

You're lazy when it's the wrong kind of effort, but you get bored if it's too easy, right?

[He pops those snacks in his mouth, taking a second to chew.]

If you wanted easy, you wouldn't be trying what you are with Fyodor.

[These snacks can totally count as dinner, so Dazai will take what he can get. He's not hungry, or even overly eager to get tasty treats; it's part need for nutrition, and part taking advantage of something Chuuya bought, just for the sake of it (and a refusal to let Chuuya keep all of the snacks for himself).

We're all mature adults here.

Dazai's expression turns distasteful when Chuuya calls him out, but only because it forces him to consider how right (or not) Chuuya is. In a way (as utterly gross as it is to consider), Chuuya has a point. But then, isn't this something completely different? Trying to get Fyodor to the side of good (or something close to it) is a unique undertaking and experiment. It's not something Dazai would care to do with just anybody, or for no good reason. Having Chuuya compare it to all the random nonsense Chuuya does on a daily basis feels like it cheapens Dazai's efforts, and makes them seem pointless on top of that, even if he succeeds.

But, really, how dare Chuuya compare his non-stop mindless stupidity to Dazai's careful, one-time plan?!?]

That's a different thing entirely. [Clearly. Because he says so.] And, for the record: I'm still bored.

[You bore him, Chuuya. :( So shut up. :(((

Well, he's not lying in that he still can't say life has Meaning now that he's trying what he is with Fyodor. (It probably doesn't help that he's barely making any progress in trying. It's difficult - and a bit daunting - to push it too far, too quickly.)]

[Of course Dazai is annoyed. He hates being called out just as much as he hates being misunderstood. Chuuya can't help the smug expression on his face, but also sees no reason why he should hide it. He's right and he knows it, after all.]

Are you bored with him, too?

[He doesn't really believe that Dazai is bored right now, either. Maybe the part of him that's always a little bored, the one that Chuuya has never been able to reach or help him with, the kind that the keeps shut off from everyone... But it's better not to think about that. Dazai is here now.

And Chuuya definitely had a small victory here, so he's going to drink some more in celebration.]

Sure it's not exactly the same, but being challenged in a fight is how I feel alive.

[Which is why he won't just drop the rope and let people die. A duel is always the better option, even if being an executive means he doesn't always get that option. He has to prioritize the mafia over his own wants.

Or at least he's supposed to. He's being selfish lately and he knows it, and it definitely worries him when he lets himself think about it.]

[Now there is a surprisingly difficult question! Is he bored with Fyodor? Dazai wouldn't have thought so, but things have certainly changed between them, and this experiment of his has also altered the stakes. It means, basically, that while Dazai has won their final round, he now only has things to lose - many things, in both himself and Fyodor, and even possibly Chuuya. Is that not the essence of what it means to be bored? No good things to expect.

Still...]

... Not yet.

[Because Dazai is not giving up yet.

... Maybe he should sneak a visit to Odasaku's grave soon. No reason, clearly! He's just in the mood.]

If that were the only time you feel alive, you'd feel even less alive than I do, Chuuya.

[Which is not exactly the point here, but if Chuuya can drag in barely-related things, then so can Dazai.]

It's also bold of you to assume I want to feel alive in the first place.

[Dazai, that's not boredom, that's depression. Not that Chuuya is an expert at mental health. He pushes through with overwork and alcohol, and might manage better than Dazai, but there are still moments where he falters. Where it gets too much. Where his own needs slip through. But it's not about him now.]

Yeah, too few people can actually challenge me. I need to fight more enemies at once.

[He says it dismissively. And it's true, in a straight up fight. The times he's lost has usually been because his opponents have found a way to prevent him from fighting. That's not the point.]

Of course I feel alive outside of that, it's just different types of it. When do you feel alive?

[Dazai is supposed to be the topic here.]

[Clearly boredom and depression are the same thing then!??!? What even are you talking about!!!
... Also the answer can't be "Dazai" because he refuses, and clearly he makes the rules.]

Your listening skills can truly use some work, Chuuya.

[Did he not just say that he doesn't particularly want to feel alive?! So rude, just rubbing it in like that! You're gonna make yourself miss the movie too, dumb chibi.

But okay fine.]

I don't know if I feel alive. Nor am I sure that I want to.

[He's not sure he gets it. Except that he sort of gets it. He never used to feel human, connected to his body, to his life, and isn't that the same thing? He used to fight with his hands in his pockets just to increase the risk, just to get that rush of danger, hoping he'd find the will to fight for himself. So really, he gets it, but he doesn't want to get it.

He decided a long time ago it didn't matter, though. He'd live this life no matter how he was made, claim this body as well as the power within, all for himself and his own choices. And he is human.

So he's alive.]

Never thought of myself as someone into necrophilia.

[He's absently touching his collar, thumb brushing over the fastening in the front.]

Those feelings are not actually the most important in the end, though.

I know that I am alive, Chuuya. To my ever-lasting regret.

[That doesn't mean he has to feel alive though, does it? But Dazai doesn't really want to talk about this in the first place - Chuuya is the one who started it!! - and so he uses the first opportunity he gets to try to divert attention from his feelings of all things (ew!).]

So you're into necrophilia, even if you don't feel that way~?

[You really deserve that one, Chuu. How dare you bring feelings into this?!?]

So am I fucking someone undead?

[Technically, Chuuya is the one who was a vampire, but details. This isn't about logic, anyway. He knows Dazai doesn't want to talk about any of this.

He wants to say: I'm happy you're alive. He won't, because Dazai wouldn't appreciate it, and he doesn't want to ruin movie night completely. He'd definitely still want to be fucked by Dazai is he really was undead, though. He'd want that no matter what. He pushes aside those thoughts.]

Would explain your shitty performances.

[Obviously a lie. He gives in, finally, and lets himself lean against Dazai, like he was always going to. See? He's watching the movie!]

Wouldn't explain your persistent incredible horniness, then.

[Given that Dazai is undead and performs shittily and all!! Honestly, Chuu, will you just fuck anything???

Well, Dazai says that, but he's not exactly complaining, and while his words are mocking, he welcomes Chuuya to his side by putting an arm around him. Maybe there are worse things to do than watching a movie with Chuuya (and snacks and booze).]

Obviously it's because you keep leaving me unsatisfied.

[Definitely a lie, and he's not really trying to make it convincing. This is comfortable banter, and that arm has him relaxing into Dazai even more. He's not even aware of it, but he's smiling softly, enjoying the closeness and the fact that Dazai is welcoming it.

He just wants to stay like this.]

If that's true, the fault still lies with you for not seeking satisfaction elsewhere.

[Really, that's just dumb?? But wait...]

... No, I guess you did do that.

[With Fyodor, and all. While Dazai can only agree that their little menage a trois arrangement is pretty nice, it's still complicated, and he can't see it ending well.

The same goes for life in general, though, so. Big shrug there. Dazai knows better than to try to get Chuuya to do anything in particular, anyway: that tends to cause the opposite if anything. And, frankly... Dazai isn't even sure what he should make Chuuya do about their "love" triangle, even if he could make him do anything.]

And that backfired. Now I have to wait for one of you to be free before I can get laid.

[He hasn't outright told Dazai that he's not sleeping with other people, but he's sure Dazai knows anyway. He always does. And he's not actually having sex less either - in fact, it's the opposite, because he rarely had the time to find new people to sleep with before. He likes this arrangement, whatever it is, a lot better.

He tilts his head to glance up at Dazai.]

You know if there's something you're worrying about, you can tell me, right? [It's not difficult to guess - Dazai is always worrying about something, especially when they're supposed to relax, when they're talking about good things.] I'm still your partner.

[Is he still? Was it ever their choice to be partners in the first place? He's offering it now either way.]

Well, it's not as if our darling Fedya has better things to do. In fact, the distraction is probably beneficial to both our sides.

[Dazai, meanwhile, is just so busy all the time! Clearly he couldn't fuck Chuuya more often, even if he wanted to! ... That's also why he's here for a fricking movie night, of course. (Listen, let him pretend he's important!!)]

There's nothing I can say about this that you don't already know.

[Quite an admission, perhaps, but Chuuya isn't stupid - not in most ways, and certainly not by normal standards - and Dazai doesn't feel like making this bigger than it need be.]

He hasn't abandoned his goals yet. There's a good chance he never will.

[And then what? Fyodor may yet try to destroy half the planet; if he gets Chuuya aboard somehow, by trickery or otherwise, Fyodor may just succeed, too. Or he won't, but Dazai will have to kill Chuuya. He's just not very fond of that idea.]

I was gonna ask if I was making your plan harder for you.

[But if he's distracting Fyodor, that probably means he's not. Good. He doesn't actually want to ruin things for Dazai, especially if he's actually found himself some sort of purpose. He glances up at him again.]

I didn't start sleeping with him because I thought he'd change. It's not like I'm a good person, either.

[And he knew sleeping with Fyodor was a bad idea from the start. It had just been fun, a distraction, a thrill - he definitely hadn't expected to get along with him. And now it's more than just that. Now it's... something. A relationship? Even thinking it sounds ridiculous, but he knows what Fyodor would say.

He frowns a little - there's a lot of things he hasn't shared with Dazai.]

But you're changing his opinions at least a little.

[Somehow, Chuuya's consideration for his plans, such as they are - and as conveniently vague as they are - doesn't even surprise Dazai. For all of their complicated relationship/rivalry/partnership/whatever, they both have a great instinct for the things that actually matter to the other, the rare things you Just Don't Fuck With. Dazai doesn't love that this plan of his rates so highly, but at the same time, there's not much he can do about it.

He's about to say that none of them are good people, and that that (probably, hopefully) doesn't matter, but then Chuuya keeps talking, and Dazai is a bit surprised in spite of himself.]

You think so?

Yeah. He's adjusting his plans because he wants more now.

[They've talked about it a lot. Chuuya knows it's because Fyodor is trying to win Chuuya over, wants Chuuya to accept being owned by him. He's telling Chuuya what he wants to hear. He knows that, but that doesn't make it any less real, although now he's finding that admitting it out loud is making him feel naive. Gullible, maybe, except that he knows that he's right about this.

Still, it's easier not to look up at Dazai, so he's making sure to keep his eyes on the movie instead.]

He offered to let me keep my ability.

[Chuuya's complicated feelings on that idea aside, the offer had been telling. Yes, Fyodor was manipulating him, but that didn't make it any less real. He's supposed to hate all abilities, and now there's a crack in that hatred, somewhere.]

[Wanting more is a broad concept that could be either good or terrible, but Dazai smiles at the idea. "More" makes sense, really, regardless of the details. It's always the safest aim when you're too unsure to hedge your bets.

Chuuya keeping his ability is more of a mess, and Dazai slowly looks over at Chuuya to check his opinion on it. It could be a lie or the truth, but either way Fyodor couldn't really say anything else and expect to keep Chuuya on his side. In that respect, maybe Fyodor himself doesn't even know whether he was lying.]

I see.

[Dazai returns his gaze to the movie, but he's paying more attention to his own thoughts, running through the implications of Chuuya's statement. If true, Fyodor will need to keep Dazai alive, too... but then, that in itself surely makes it less likely? If Chuuya's survival is a given for both Fyodor and Dazai, that certainly complicates the two of them killing each other, in different but equally relevant ways.]

That is a change.

[It might be a good one, too; the odds certainly seem to be in favor of that. But it's a fragile hope at best, and Dazai isn't going to count it as a victory just yet.]

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