indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

Fair point. I only have excellent features.

[Or maybe he's "only" arguing with Chuuya for the sake of it. His semi-bored tone would certainly seem to corroborate that.]

You like me fucking with you, though.

[Or was that only the literal fucking? Oh well, it works either way! Meanwhile Dazai doesn't yet make a fuss over Chuuya messing with his bandages, because that might only encourage Chuuya, and Dazai is a bit curious to see where Chuuya's planning on going with it. Let him just channel his curiosity into something else, though.]

And what lesson might it teach me?

Edited 2023-01-27 19:38 (UTC)

Why the hell would I like that?

[You know what, don't answer that. He doesn't like this conversation. He's a little bit distracted by the fact that he's getting away with this, though, unwrapping the bandage from where it wraps around the palm of Dazai's hand, the bottom of his arm... And then not really getting any further once he reaches his sleeve.

But it's rare to be allowed to touch Dazai like this, so he can't resist brushing his finger across skin.]

A lesson about style, maybe.

[He really hadn't thought that one through. But you know what, he'll unbutton Dazai's shirt from around his wrist, too. By now it's a game to see how far he can get before he's stopped.]

[Dazai doesn't answer that, as it happens, though not out of consideration for Chuuya's feelings or anything: it would just be too easy, and so Dazai merely smiles, his expression almost gentle... or it could count as that to anyone who doesn't know better, anyway.

But hey, he's not saying anything! He could do worse!!

Dazai doesn't really see why Chuuya would care about touching him, nor is he sure he shouldn't have more of a reaction to it himself, but by the time things start to head into "maybe going too far" territory, it's kind of too late for Dazai to stop Chuuya. Stopping would show that he cares, after all, and what could he possibly have to gain from that? These things must be weighed carefully.

He's also not really sure he does care about Chuuya getting him beyond-naked, except for the fact that, if it's what Chuuya wants, then Dazai will want the opposite, just on principle. But so far it's... fine? It's whatever, really.]

You're not watching the movie, Chuuya.

[A relatively gentle chiding, all things considered. As for lessons about style: he's not going to dignify that with a response. Look at those outfits on the screen, they're absurd! ... Though Dazai might consider an eye patch in lieu of his old eye bandages anyway. Now that seems stylish! (Not really, on either count.)]

[But if Dazai doesn't say anything, then Chuuya can't even tell him to shut up, so that's clearly worse anyway.]

Asshole.

[That insult will have to do. Dazai has no right to be that smug. Even if Chuuya feels a small thrill at the humiliation of being called out, being seen... No, that's Dazai's point exactly, so Chuuya's not going there. Dazai is wrong, by default, always.

Chuuya has managed to find the end of one roll of bandages, and pulls it out of his sleeve completely, tosses it to the other side of the couch. That's about all he's able to do for now.]

I'm watching. I can do more than one thing at a time.

[The scars on Dazai's arm are not surprising, barely worth a passing thought. How soft his skin somehow feels, that's more unexpected. Wrists often are softer to the touch, but Chuuya always expects Dazai to feel more dried out than he is. But then he's someone who'd hate feeling itchy, of course he takes care of himself to that extent.]

Style is about attitude, too, you know. Conviction.

[It's just an arm, so it should really be fine, and yet it feels like it's pushing a boundary, even if it's not crossing one yet. But it's not crossing one yet, and so Dazai still lets it happen.

Good bandages can do wonders for keeping the skin from drying out, actually! You should try them sometime, Chuuya. Except don't, because then Dazai may just have to give them up. (The only thing that might make him do that.) So yes, Dazai's skin is very soft indeed, only the occasional ridge and bump of a scar interrupting the sensation - and even those are anything but rough, if very different in texture from skin unharmed.]

Are you saying I have no conviction?

[That -... Well, maybe it's not untrue, but it's still not something many people would say about Dazai, and he's a little curious as to how Chuuya might fill that in.

Yet another bit of curiosity that he'll likely regret. But he just doesn't want to bother caring about that. He's still well into the safe zone for now. Besides, having Chuuya focus on him physically is... not so bad. So far. It's probably the same thing people like about a pet dog licking them? Something like that!]

[And isn't that what they've always done? Pushed each other's boundaries, tested each other's limits, crossed that line but never by too much... By some definitions of too much. But then other people's definitions don't actually matter. Not when this is theirs.

It feels like an admission of trust, even if it probably isn't. It's just an arm. But it's still oddly satisfying, and he's not going to think about how that makes him feel.]

You don't want to have it.

[No, that's not right. Of course Dazai wants to have it. It would make his life easier, wouldn't it? If he could really believe. Maybe he'd be less miserable, too. Chuuya frowns, in the way he does when he's actually giving something some thought.

(Distracting him from the movie Dazai told him to focus on.)]

No. But you still hold yourself back from it, just in case. Or maybe it just looks different from other people's.

[This is... intimate. They've had sex so many times, but this is intimate. Without thinking about it, Chuuya curls his hand around Dazai's wrist, thumb stroking slowly back and forth over soft skin.]

As if anything could ever be that straightforward with you.

[Dazai is halfway regretting that he let Chuuya get even this far, the gentle stroking too sensitive on his skin to be fully comfortable. But that's more emotional than physical, and so he ignores his own misgivings. (It's a little too late to act like he's suddenly ticklish just to be annoying, anyway.)]

Anything straightforward can't possibly be real, Chuuya.

[He doesn't quite expect Chuuya to agree with him, because Chuuya is always straightforward as his own way of dealing with things, the polar opposite to Dazai's. But Dazai believes what he says.]

Pretending anything is that simple is merely ignoring the facts, if not being totally ignorant of them. [He sighs and lets himself flop back a little against the couch, though he doesn't try to wrench his arm away from Chuuya at all.] I'm not the latter, and I don't see why I should do the former just because that's what others do.

[Chuuya isn't going to disagree. Maybe Chuuya tries to deal with things in a straightforward way, but a lot of the time that's exactly because it's too complicated. Sometimes, the only way to handle that is to push directly through.

(And it's not like he doesn't have his own way of overcomplicating things, especially for himself.)]

Can't say I blame people who choose to pretend it's that simple, but I'd never expect that from you.

[Didn't he just tell Dazai to have more conviction? But that was teasing. And it's not like conviction has to be some sort of singular motivation anyway, like the guy in this film, living only to avenge his father. Since he'd been leaning on Dazai anyway, Chuuya follows when he flops back, presses a little more firmly against his side.]

But don't pretend you don't end up overcomplicating things, too.

[For being something of a thorn in Dazai's side, Chuuya is rather comfortable leaned against him there. Maybe he's small, but he's just the right size for a personal heater!]

Having more information and seeing more options doesn't equal overcompensating.

[He doesn't quite say that he doesn't overcomplicate, though. Not that he thinks he genuinely does, but sometimes these things are a matter of opinion... and:]

Having a lot of plans is not overcompensating either. It's just having a lot of plans.

[Don't slander his genius self, gosh!!]

[He'd object to being used as a heater... But Dazai is comfortable, too, so maybe it doesn't matter. A good mattress and pillow, even if he's too bony. Chuuya should feed him more.]

I know. Doesn't mean you're not overcomplicating everything.

[On screen, the main character isn't dead after all, and Chuuya has to roll his eyes a little. Of course he wasn't - who would have really thought that he was?]

I take it back, though. I thought about it. In the end you have more conviction than most. [A pause.] True love? He's alive because of true love? The guy who left her?

Doesn't mean I am overcomplicating everything, either.

[He is very good at letting Chuuya get the final word in, what are you even talking about??

Wait - he has more conviction than most? He's usually pretty confident about his many strengths, but this is not one he's ever considered ascribing to himself, and yet he's fairly certain that Chuuya doesn't mean it as an insult, either. It boggles the entirety of his cavernous mind (... it's a submerged cavern??? not empty!!), and even more so when Chuuya follows it up with: "True love?"

The movie. Right.]

He did and he didn't? He had his reasons.

[If Dazai isn't going to ask him to clarify, then Chuuya won't, either. He's distracted by the movie now, enjoying the plot for what it is, a fantasy, but unable to keep himself from questioning that particular aspect either way.]

Bet he'll leave again. I know the story will say they live happily ever after or whatever, but I think he'd leave.

[This is... not really on purpose. If he gave it more than half a second of thought, he'd realize what he was saying, but he doesn't usually bother with that when reacting to movies.]

Maybe she should just be a dread pirate, too.

[Dazai wants to know, but he certainly doesn't want to ask. That would, after all, be admitting to some level of investment in the answer, and like hell is he doing that. (Where is that conviction of his now, Chuu?!)

This is getting to be a bit of an awkward topic, in spite of everything that's not getting said, but it's mostly awkward because Dazai seriously doubts that Chuuya even realizes what he's saying... or, if he does, realizes how obvious he's being. It would be easy to mock him for it, too, but that wouldn't get either of them anywhere good, and honestly? It's just too embarrassing. Dazai almost feels bad for Chuuya, at times like this. Almost.

He breathes out slowly, not quite a sigh, and tries to behave. For now.]

Mhm, maybe she should. She was a bit too happy to accept his departure before, but if she turns into a pirate herself, she could at least hunt him down if he tries again.

[He'll realize what he's saying eventually. He just doesn't want to think too deeply about anything like that right now, and thinking about Dazai, and his convictions, was distracting enough.]

At least she can have fun as a pirate.

[Because her life otherwise has seemed pretty boring to him, consdiering everyone else gets all the action scenes. But yeah, maybe hunting him down isn't a bad idea.]

Something like true love isn't really that interesting anyway. Though I guess I wouldn't know anything about it.

You really wouldn't!

[ L O L just sayin'! Love is not in your dictionary, is it, Chuu? ("Loyalty" may start with the same letters, but it's not the same thing!!)

Dazai considers the more general aspects of what Chuuya is saying. He'd love to disagree, but he's just not sure he does.]

True love might be interesting if it was real, but who really believes in that kind of thing? The fact that the average person wants so much to believe in it in itself proves that it's not real.

And you would?

[Actually, would he? What about that perso --

Nope. Not going there. Not even remotely going there. That's a topic he will never touch on unless Dazai brings it up first, because he has no right, and... It hurts.]

Then what even is love? Like, regular love. Just a choice to stick with someone? Or is it giving someone the power to tear your life apart if they want? Even that guy turned up once he got his head out of his ass and realized she needed help.

Of course I would? I find my true love almost every day.

[It's just a random different woman every time. It's fine... Totally counts. Because he says so.]

Lots of people would say loving someone equals giving them power, but I have to disagree. [Even though love definitely can tear you apart, defining it by that doesn't feel right.] To start with, I'm not sure it counts as love if it's that one-sided.

[Well... There's some arguments to be made to the contrary there, but in a textbook case of true love? Earlier statements to the contrary, Dazai thinks that is correct.

If that also conveniently excuses him from ever having to worry about it, so much the better.]

[Just going to roll his eyes at that.]

Just like the guys I pick up at bars?

[Even though they're boring, and Chuuya is just using them, and he doesn't even do it that often anyway, both because he's busy and because those people are not who he wants.]

That's bullshit, though. If you feel like that, that's your feelings, other people don't get to define them for you just because they don't feel the same way. But -- [Let him think about the rest of it for a second.] -- I guess it's up to you how much power you give someone because of it.

[Maybe giving someone that power isn't necessary. People outside the mafia and their life style usually don't give that power to someone, do they? From what little he knows.]

That's completely different! [... Not really. But good luck getting him to admit that.] You're just looking to get laid, aren't you?

[Well, so much for the childish bickering. This talk about true love is actually kind of an interesting discussion to have, with the movie to provide non-personal context, a convenient wall to hide behind if and when necessary.]

Whether there's any power given or not, that's not a choice. How you deal with it and how much you care to acknowledge it, however, is.

In the end, isn't it just like any other feeling?

[Alright, perhaps a little more intense... but just as real or fake (mostly fake, Dazai thinks) as any other emotion, and equally unnecessary to dwell on.

Of course, this is coming from someone who only admits to emotions when they're safely and definitively consigned to the past.]

If I just wanted to get laid, wouldn't I go for someone satisfying?

[Well, no, because it's still working off steam, and it's still a distraction, so it's better than nothing. But he'll keep the argument just because he refuses to let Dazai win.

His hand is stroking down slower, fingers brushing over Dazai's knuckles, more familiar than the skin of his arms. Those are never covered, but he doesn't usually let himself touch Dazai in this way, wouldn't now either if he was thinking about it. It just feels good to touch, his thoughts are on their discussion.]

If they have power, they have power. Your only option for dealing with it would be to run away, right?

[Which is what this dread pirate bastard did. Chuuya's brow is slightly furrowed as he thinks.]

It can't just be a feeling. Feelings are annoying but they go away.

Depends on your definition of satisfying.

[Said dismissively, because frankly, Dazai is much the same when it comes to his lack-of-love life. Go figure, the one and only thing they have in common!

Chuuya touching him this way is still a bit weird, in spite of - or because of - the casual circumstances. Since there's no ill will behind the touches, though, it's better, Dazai decides, to not think too much about it. He doesn't like letting it stay too one-sided, though, and so he turns his hand upside down, to twist his fingers with Chuuya's.]

No... You could also stay, but ignore it. An argument could be made for that amounting to running too, though.

[This is getting awfully philosophical... or just too close for comfort. Discussing feelings in general feels much better by comparison.]

Do they? [Not really, he thinks - or wants to think - or maybe doesn't want to think at all.] They can change under extreme circumstances, but there's nothing to suggest they go away entirely.

[Notes on human experiments, exhibit 284365A.]

[Except Dazai linking their hands together draws Chuuya's attention back to what they're doing. He turns his head, stares at their hands for a few seconds, his cheeks heating up. He swears his pulse just jumped which is ridiculous.

He'll just ignore it. And pay attention to the movie.]

So then they were both running.

[That feels like admitting a little too much. This is all a little too much suddenly. This is just about the movie. He's refusing to look at Dazai, though he won't move or let go, either.]

Some feelings do. But I guess some people stop loving, too. Maybe you have to experience it to understand.

[Teehee, Chuuya's pulse jumped~! It's easy enough for Dazai to feel with their hands in this position, and while it makes him a bit more aware of what they're doing, much like it did Chuuya, it counts as a victory for Dazai, thus conveniently saving him from any feelings-related discomfort. (Speaking of running: he does that an awful lot on all levels of feelings, doesn't he? A true lack-of-emotional marathon runner!)]

Mhm. [They were definitely both running. Both boths, though Dazai isn't really taking the personal approach here.] One could say that he was, at least, more honest about what he was doing.

[No, not really, since he didn't intend to stay away. But who cares? It's just a movie, anyway.]

I wonder... [He really doesn't want to wonder. But whatever, they're on this topic, may as well chat about it. This part of it is legitimately alien to him anyway, and he does have some small level of curiosity regarding it, even though he doubts that Chuuya knows better than him. In a way that actually makes it easier to talk.] If people stop loving, was it really love in the first place? Or were they just determined to believe it was?

[Chuuya squeezes Dazai's hand a little tighter, and refuses to think about the fact that they're holding hands. He wants to press himself into him. He's definitely red by now. He hates feeling like this, because it makes him want so much, and it would be so much easier to turn it into anger to cover it all up. Dazai's not the only one who's been running.

But he manages to resist doing any of that.]

Maybe. Depends what excuses he was telling himself.

[He refuses to let Dazai present himself as the more honest one. Not that this is about him and Dazai, it's just the movie, just the damn movie. This is why Chuuya didn't want a movie about romance.]

How the hell are you supposed to know? It's not like they give you anything to compare it to. [He uses his free hand to make some frustrated gestures.] Like they describe the feelings, but the descriptions sound more like a stomach bug than anything.

But I know anger can go away, at least. Not always, but sometimes.

[Dazai silently accepts the excuse of excuses, in part because he doesn't especially want to argue pointless details like that... and in part because he doesn't totally disagree. Does it really matter? It's just a movie, anyway.]

It's true. If you want butterflies in your stomach, I can cook you up something that will do the trick. [And might also kill you, but, yanno... Same difference.

... Wait, did they just agree on something? Nah, probably not. Not in a way that matters, so it doesn't really count. And it's about fiction anyway, so it never counted in the first place!]

Sure, things like anger can go away. But then, did they have a solid reason to exist in the first place? [He sighs, finding the idea even more unpleasant than the topic as such.] This is exactly the problem with feelings.

[You know what's not wishy-washy? Death. There's no bullshit about that at all. It happens to everyone sooner or later, and then it's done.

It should probably be ironic that someone who can predict and plot basically anything still prefers the one uncontrollable certainty life offers, but that just proves that life is weird and not necessarily welcome.]

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