[Chuuya really needs to pull himself together. He's been telling himself that all day, and all last night since before Dazai left, trying his best to push through it, to focus on work instead, but even by now he still hasn't managed. He should be able to - this is just something that happens sometimes, after sex like that, like an adrenaline crash after an intense mission. It's not exactly a big deal, even if it's not usually this bad.
Except he hadn't even been able to hide it this time. Kouyou had called him out for how tired he seemed, for looking pale, and had sent him home thinking he might be catching a cold. He'd listened, even though he doesn't feel like being alone, either, which had probably worried her even more. He sighs.
He's gonna pull himself together now, though. Or by tomorrow, at least. He basically just threw his off his clothes when he got home, changing into a sweatshirt and pants, old and worn and soft because of it, and a little too big. He'd taken a moment to clean off the toys that were still left on the floor, placing them in his closet with the rest of their his collection, making sure the tail and ears wouldn't be ruined, the only thing he has the patience to show any care for. And then he opens a bottle of wine and pours himself a glass. Maybe he can allow himself to get drunk and mope the rest of the day, until he's needed again.
Or at least that's the plan. But in the end he barely gets through one glass of wine before the lethargy gets too strong. He's curled up on the couch, feet tucked under him, feeling a bit cold but not caring as he finds himself dozing on and off.]
[When Dazai had eventually left, something had definitely been annoying - but wasn't Chuuya always annoying? He was probably just tired; they both were. They had a nicely messed-up evening, so Dazai couldn't complain.
When he gets a note delivered, written by a mysterious stranger that definitely isn't clearly Kouyou, considering her unique use of language, Dazai doesn't think too much of it. So Chuuya is sick? Well, maybe that explains why he was more out of it than usual yesterday. That still doesn't make it his duty to chibi-sit. Shouldn't Kouyou do her own work?!
Except that something still doesn't sit right with Dazai, and it's not even only about how rare it is for Chuuya to be sick enough to skip work.
Oh well, it's a good excuse for Dazai to skip work, too. He practically dances out of the office, informing Kunikida that he has to leave to take care of his sick dog. Kunikida's objections that Dazai doesn't have a dog and everybody knows Dazai hates dogs and "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, DAZAI?!?" are cheerfully ignored.
It's not a surprise to see that Chuuya's been drinking, but even Dazai, who knows himself to be full of extremely poor life choices (and is proud of that! who needs life anyway?!), has to judge a little. He doesn't want to put any real effort into taking care of Chuuya, but he'll get some water, anyway. If there's any instant soup, he'll bother to make that, at least.
If Chuuya hasn't woken up by the time Dazai returns from the kitchen, Dazai will poke him to wake him. Because Chuuya needs to scoot over to make room for him.]
[Chuuya hadn't been sleeping very deeply. He wakes up when he hears someone at the door, and he knows, of course, that it's Dazai. Everyone else (except his housekeepers, if they show up to clean when he's not home) uses the doorbell and waits to be let inside, and it's rare even for that to happen. Chuuya isn't one for visitors.
So he knows who it is, but he doesn't really know how to react to the fact that he's here. He also doesn't know how to handle the intense relief that immediately fills him. He'd wanted to see Dazai. He hadn't wanted him to leave. Those vulnerable feelings from the night before are still right there, leaving him raw. Shit. He'd wanted to deal with that before Dazai had to see him like this.
He doesn't move or say anything as Dazai starts walking around the apartment, getting that glass of water. There's no instant soup, or really any food at all aside from some snacks and the canned crab he keeps for Dazai.]
What are you doing here?
[He at least turns his head to look at Dazai when he finally approaches, and then scoots over at the poking, without even bothering to swat his hand away. He wants to just lean into him.]
It's the middle of the day, isn't it?
[He's actually not sure, even though he didn't think he fell asleep for that long. He starts looking around for his phone, checking his pockets, but it doesn't seem to be on him.]
[If there's no soup, the water will have to do for now; the snacks can follow, but they're not a priority to Dazai right now... partly because he wouldn't care about food, himself, and partly because he doesn't know what's wrong with Chuuya in the first place.
That's a little unsettling, actually, especially when Chuuya acts like he's asleep when he's most definitely not. Then again, if he can still act like that, it's probably nothing too serious...? It's probably nothing serious.
Dazai sits, entertaining the idea of pouring the water over Chuuya's head instead, but it's not a very serious thought.]
Are you really in a position to complain about me being here in the middle of the day when you are, too?
[Just saying. Clearly the fact that it's Chuuya's place is irrelevant.
For once, Dazai is not the phone thief, but neither is he going to help Chuuya look for anything other than his health.]
[Chuuya double checks his pockets a few more times, and then even starts to check between the couch pillows... Only to realize his phone is probably in his pants pockets. Of his other pants. Which are on his bedroom floor currently. And that's too far away, so he gives up, doing his best to ignore the ever-present guilt that he should be making sure that work doesn't need him for anything.
They know where he lives if it's an emergency. And right now Dazai seems more important to him.]
I wasn't complaining.
[But he's still very confused. He's confused by the glass of water, too, though he does take it from Dazai at least, even if he doesn't immediately start drinking it. But that's just because he has questions.]
Do you hide here during the day to get away from work or something?
[He doesn't care if Dazai does. It just doesn't occur to him that Kouyou would have contacted Dazai - or that Dazai would still be bothered by Chuuya seeming a little off at the end of last night - so no other explanation really makes sense.]
[Not really. But he's sorta kinda almost doing that now, in addition to other things, so he doesn't even count it as a lie. Besides, while he could admit that he came here to check on Chuuya, that also implies that he cares, and that's kind of gross. Let's not do that. (Yet, anyway.)]
Though I have to admit that it's the first time I've seen Chuuya do the same!
[Definitely not asking how Chuuya is doing or anything. Clearly Chuuya is just playing hooky. That seems like a Chuuya thing to do.]
[He might not be asking, but Chuuya can already tell that he'll be expected to give an answer. Shit.]
Shouldn't I be hiding at your place, then?
[He's buying a bit of time to think of a lie. Except there is no lie that will explain this. Not that lying to Dazai has ever worked out for him, but even ignoring that (which he usually does), Chuuya never leaves work early unless he's forced to. Of course this seems suspicious.
He drinks some of the water Dazai got him, just to placate him a little.]
Perhaps. But my place is a bit below your exacting standards.
[The lack of incredibly expensive wine would only be one part of that, he's sure. Anyway, that seems like a convenient excuse for Chuuya not to hide in Dazai's place instead.
Dazai relaxes on the couch, though he keeps half an eye on Chuuya as he drinks some water. When Kouyou gets mentioned, Dazai politely doesn't throw her under the bus: he knows nothing, she is innocent, etc.]
If ane-san thought that, you must have been very sick indeed.
[He's just going to conveniently put that in the perfect tense so as to not imply anything about the present, yet.]
[Except Dazai, who'd somehow Know, even though Chuuya has never tried to hide there before. And it's both frustrating and also... weirdly comforting to have someone know him as well as Dazai does. He's not sure which reaction he's feeling more strongly at the moment.
But he can tell Dazai is buying none of this. He'd prefer to just curl up on the couch again instead of continuing to talk, but he knows he has to pull himself together.]
I'm not sick. It's nothing like that, it was just easier to let her win. [A shrug.] It's... more like an adrenaline crash, I think.
That's fair. I wouldn't pick a fight with her, either.
[He's not joking. He may not be as close to Kouyou as Chuuya is, but he likes to think they have a mutual sort of respect, which mostly involves minding their own respective business unless there's a very good reason to the contrary. It's actually a pretty good relationship that way!]
Adrenaline crash? [Of all the weird things Chuuya has ever said, this must rate in the top 3 at least!] Is a life of murder and other associated crimes no longer cutting it?
[He doesn't have much else to compare it to, but they've both experienced that, at least. The high of adrenaline during certain missions, and then the sudden drop once it's over, the complete exhaustion. The cold. Though the two of them don't exactly react to danger the way they should, so they've seen it more often in other people.
Hr rubs at the back of his neck, and wishes he had wine instead of water. The open (and still mostly full) bottle is right there on the table, almost within reach.]
I know it's weird. That's why I wasn't gonna bother you with it. And it's not a big deal. [And it involves feelings, which is not exactly Dazai's favorite topic of conversation, so he'll avoid mentioning that part.] It's just something that happens sometimes after stuff like what we did.
[No wine while you're whining! You need to take the wine out of the whine to preserve the H.
Dazai has quite a wealth of knowledge, and yet this is one area where he's genuinely unfamiliar. If he's heard of the concept of sub drop at all, he's certainly not taken it any kind of seriously, because... well, why would he? Having never experienced such a thing himself, he wouldn't have been surprised if it was made up.
But Chuuya wouldn't make it up, and the fact that it's bad enough that he would admit to having even considered bringing it up with Dazai, no matter how briefly, means it's very serious indeed. Dazai doesn't like it. Part of him wants to walk away, not enjoying the responsibility at all.
But he's not 15 anymore, so he may as well try to handle this at least semi-graciously. It's not like an adrenaline crash after intense sex is so strange, probably... not that he's had much experience with adrenaline rushes of any kind in recent years, but, yanno.]
Chuuya really enjoyed being my dog, hm?
[That is probably not what his main take-away should be, but he's working with limited information here. Besides, it's a genuine question, in his own way. He's not mocking Chuuya at all.]
[If Dazai wants to walk away, Chuuya won't hold it against him. He's expecting him to. It's probably obvious from his body language, the way he glances at Dazai, a little surprised by the way he's still just relaxed back against the couch like he's not waiting for the right moment to get up. He's got his answers now, after all, or at least most of them, so isn't it time?
Chuuya tenses a bit at that question, because he knows he should lie and deny everything, the way he always does, to be less suspicious.]
Wasn't the worst thing we've done. [Lying is exhausting, so have a half truth instead.] This doesn't mean we can't do any messed up shit in the future.
[In his mind, this is just his own weakness. It's his own responsibility to handle it. And he does want to have kinky sex with Dazai, nights where he just lets the bastard be his bastard self. It feels better than anything has a right to.]
I'm not worried. [Have a half truth in return, since those seem to be the theme of the day.] I know you like what we do.
[It's kind of obvious in the moment, after all - and that's not even counting how Chuuya doesn't just kill Dazai whenever he tries something kinky. Dazai has no illusions: Chuuya might well be able to kill him. At the very least, Chuuya absolutely could do Dazai some harm that he wouldn't be able to get back from, if Dazai really crossed a line.
But Dazai has no intention of crossing that line, anyway. If he ever needs to hurt Chuuya, he will - but, even if it ever comes to that, he won't do it in ways like this.]
How~e~ver... if things are going to affect you this badly, we need to find a solution. [Not that Dazai has any idea what that should be, yet, but it's definitely necessary.] If it's bad enough that people are calling you out on being sick, you're going to encounter the wrong enemy at the wrong time at some point. I really don't want to be held responsible for that.
Ane-san would cut off several parts of my body. [That is definitely why he won't be held responsible. He doesn't care or anything.]
[This is just increasingly humiliating, and not in the fun way.]
I can handle myself if something happens, Dazai.
[He knows Dazai is talking about more than a straight up attack, but still. It's just another reminder that he's being weak. It's his own responsibility to handle this, too, and he does need to pull himself together. But maybe for once he just wants a single day where he doesn't immediately have to be fine for the sake of everyone else.
(He knows he can't allow himself that.)
But he does notice that we from Dazai. We need to find a solution, said sincerely, which is definitely surprising. It's the only reason why he's willing to give it a bit more thought, instead of trying to dismiss the topic when he's finding it so difficult to care. But the thing is: Chuuya doesn't know much about this either. He's had people mention it, but he never really bothered to listen.
He hunches in on himself a bit more. He knows Dazai is going to be disappointed when he realizes Chuuya has deliberately chosen not to learn about something that Dazai has now decided is important. He doesn't feel like dealing with that disappointment when he feels shitty enough already. There's a definite delay before he continues:]
In the past I've had some people ask me about what I need after a scene, but I never cared that much. [He lifts one hand in a dismissive gesture.] Why the hell would I want some stranger pretending like they give a shit just because I let them fuck me. It's not usually this bad anyway.
Bad luck can happen to strong people too, you know. [So no, Chuuya can't necessarily "handle it". That's not a weakness, and neither is Dazai trying to mock Chuuya, nor is he being a dick for the sake of it. He's just being realistic, and he's dead serious.] Nobody can be strong all day every day. Realizing that is a form of strength, too.
[Maybe Dazai is forcing it a little, but sometimes he gets really tired of Chuuya and his determination to always be strong enough for the whole entire world to lean on him. That doesn't help anybody, least of all Chuuya himself. The more you let people lean on you, the more they will lean on you when they don't really need to, too.
Maybe Chuuya being so annoyingly determined to be strong is part of why Dazai enjoys making him the opposite, really - as if that will teach Chuuya some kind of valuable life lesson. But then, maybe Dazai is just a pervert, too.
While Dazai is running through a dozen or so scenarios with possible solutions - not very effective if you don't know what the actual problem is - he listens to Chuuya, who honestly isn't saying all that much in spite of all the words he's throwing out there. But Dazai has an eye for details.]
Sooooo... You're saying you do want me to pretend like I give a shit?
[YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE SKIPPED THE "PRETEND", DAZAI!!]
[And maybe that's why Chuuya wants it so much, too. Because most of the time he can't afford to be weak. People have always expected him to handle it all, to carry the burden of strength so that they don't have to, be their trump card. Few people have allowed him to be anything less. But Dazai gives him permission to be weak, and then praises him for it. Maybe that's why he's so willing to let Dazai wreck him.
Or maybe they're both just perverts.
But Dazai is giving him permission now as well, isn't he? That much of Dazai's message makes it through the fog that's taken over his brain, and it helps, a little. Enough that his immediate response to Dazai's statement is an annoyed tch, and a small glare.
Not quite up to his usual annoyance, but a little bit closer to normal.]
I don't want anyone to pretend anything.
[But he can also tell Dazai's being a dick for the sake of it, so he's not taking him too seriously.]
If you want to leave, I'm never going to stop you.
Chuuya... [Dazai drags the name out in an annoyed (and annoying) sing-song voice, because he is trying (sort of, in his own way), but Chuuya isn't making it easy for him.] If there's something that you want, try using your words like a big boy? All evidence to the contrary, I can't actually read minds, you know...
[Well... he almost might as well be able to, with how smart he is, but he still can't, and it's obvious that he has missed something here. He really isn't trying to be mean (... for the most part), but this isn't like fighting enemies, where they know what the other is planning with half a word or less: this is new territory for them, and only if Dazai knows the problem can he do something about it.]
So you want me to stay afterwards? I didn't exactly run out straight after, though.
[But he sure did drop the scene like a hot potato. It hadn't been malevolent at all: he just didn't see the point when things had been finished, as far as he was concerned.]
[His objection is pure reflex, but at least he catches himself before finishing the sentence. He hates this. He really wishes he could just shove all these needs down so far that they stopped existing... Except, he doesn't, really. He wishes he could just allow himself to need this.
He's still awkwardly holding the water glass. He considers setting it down, but he doesn't feel like leaning forwards to reach the table, so he sips it a bit more instead. At least there's less chance of accidentally spilling anything. And at least it buys him a second to gather his thoughts. He's pretty sure Dazai can tell he's working out what to say, but just in case, he makes a quick gesture of shut up for a second.]
I don't actually know much about this either, you know.
[Defensively. And what he wants has never been straightforward, either. The second he tries to think about what he wants, the guilt of what he should want, what he should prioritize, comes flooding in, overwhelming everything. And he gets overwhelmed enough by his own feelings as it is. But Dazai does deserve an explanation right now, which is a clear enough thought for him to hold onto.
He's biting the inside of his cheek as he thinks.]
I don't actually know what would help, Dazai. [It's still defensive, since he knows Dazai is getting frustrated with him.] But... When we do those things, I have to completely let go. Submit, I guess. I have to let my guard down and just allow whatever you want to happen to happen, and trust that it's okay. If I fight you, we can't exactly do anything, right?
And when I manage, it feels... really good. [His tone softens just a bit. There's another pause before he continues, though - he's really struggling to explain this, considering he usually never talks about his feelings at all.] You know that feeling when you're just the right amount of drunk? That perfect buzz. It's a little like that, but way better. And then it just keeps getting better the longer we go. I kind of forget anything but you even exists.
[He's gonna drink some more water, to clear his throat. He's almost finished the glass now, just from reflexively sipping from what's in his hand, and using it to buy time. But the more he talks about this, the more those vulnerable feelings are coming back to the surface, despite all his efforts to force them all away.]
I have to be weak if I'm gonna be your dog or whatever. But then afterwards -- Ugh, it's stupid. But it's not like I can keep letting myself be weak after we're done. I have to pull myself together, and I guess I'm not as good at that as I should be, so it was taking too much time last night.
I know I was acting weird. I was trying to make sure I'd stop feeling so weak -- [ and vulnerable, and raw] -- before you left, and it wasn't working at all.
Shit. Dazai. If I want anything, it's just a way to avoid that. I can't afford to be weak.
[Dazai was, indeed, getting frustrated, but only because Chuuya tends to be pretty straightforward about things, and predictable even when he isn't, but this particular topic feels like it's getting pointlessly dragged out without any progress. That's not something Dazai blames Chuuya for as such. It's just -... Well, he knows it's important, but he doesn't know how much more patience he can summon. And he really does want to take this seriously.
For what it's worth, he can certainly tell when Chuuya is trying to work things out for himself, and he has no intention of interrupting anything at that time, even without Chuuya's impatient gesture.
All this talk of being weak is always laughable, especially when it comes to Chuuya, but that's Dazai's personal opinion, and it's not intended to devalue Chuuya's experience one way or the other. Dazai did, of course, have some basic understanding of what people enjoy in submission; he just doesn't have any personal experience, and so his understanding probably didn't go far enough, when it comes to these specific situations. He listens, and he keeps listening, fitting some puzzle pieces together in his head, and painting new pictures on others. Only when Chuuya seems to have said what he needed to say for the moment does Dazai finally summarize his understanding of it all.]
Sooo... [He drags the sound out almost comically, but his expression is serious. He really is trying to get some genuine understanding here... all evidence to the contrary.] What you're saying is: this is a H-hangover?
[A hangover from sex. That seems like it should be weird, but actually doesn't sound as crazy as it probably should. It is a high, and so it does come with an inevitable crash. It's also a comparison that Dazai is, regrettably, familiar enough with to get some insight.
That doesn't necessarily offer any immediate answers on how Dazai can prevent or fix the problem, but it does give him a much clearer picture of things than he had before. He can do this! He'll figure something out.]
[Saying all that definitely has Chuuya feeling twice as vulnerable again. He'd feel guilty, except Dazai did want to know, and it's not like Chuuya is making any actual demands here. He rubs at his neck, relieved that Dazai seems to finally be starting to understand.]
Of course you had to call it something like that. But yeah, I guess.
[That's probably more accurate than an adrenaline crash, since there wasn't really any adrenaline involved. But it's not like being drunk feels like a high to him, either.]
And it's -- Shit. [He's still thinking about it now. Finally acknowledging some things about it.] It affects my mood pretty bad, too. But there's probably nothing to do about that. Of course it's gonna suck when I finally feel good, and then I have to force myself to stop as fast as I can.
[Obviously nothing to do about that. Chuuya finishes the water, and finally leans forward to set the glass down and get rid of it.]
If it's like a hangover, drinking water makes sense. Still prefer wine or coffee.
[So they're supposed to do things really slowly after sex... Well, Dazai supposes he can live with that. He is naturally lazy, after all. He just didn't think Chuuya could ever have the same inclinations! Of course that's not actually the core truth here, but it's kind of funny to think of it that way regardless. And being funny makes it a lot easier to act accordingly!
There's no way Dazai is giving Chuuya wine at a time like this - Chuuya is too weak to alcohol at the best of times, and this hardly seems like the best of times - but Dazai supposes he can put some effort in. He gets up from the couch, not quite sighing, though there's a distant echo of it in his body language all the same.]
... Coffee, then.
[Fine, silly chibi. He'll make you some coffee! Just sit your ass on that couch and wait.
... He's going to add some sugar and cream, though. If this is remotely like a hangover, Chuuya can probably use it. (And even if it isn't, at least it will mean that Dazai wasn't too nice by getting Chuuya his actual, preferred coffee!)]
[Chuuya hadn't expected Dazai to actually get up to make him some coffee. He'd just really needed something to say that felt less serious, and water or wine was the first thing he'd thought of, since they were both right there. He stares after Dazai, not responding right away, but feeling something inside of himself finally start to settle and relax. He didn't think he could have this.
At least Chuuya's fancy coffee maker makes it easy. With the push of a button it grinds beans, heats water, and makes a great cup, every single time. There's no need for sugar and cream. But he won't complain.]
There's some chocolate in the fridge.
[Should he get up and get it... No, Dazai is clearly making some sort of point here, since he didn't even whine about being the one getting up. Instead Chuuya will reach for the already opened wine on the table, but only so he can grab the cork and - with some help from gravity - push it back in there to seal it back up. It's not ideal, but it's not like it was one of his expensive bottles. He can save it for later.]
[At the rate Dazai is acting a waiter, Chuuya really owes him a tip! It's truly unfair. But Dazai accepts his fate for the moment, returning shortly with a (slightly!) sugar-and-creamed coffee, and the chocolate. The former, he hands to Chuuya. The latter, he should probably give to Chuuya too, but first he chomps down on a piece of it himself, because he might as well pretend to feed himself for five seconds as he drapes himself over the couch again.]
Coffee's good for hangovers too, you know? [He says while munching on the chocolate. It may or may not be bullshit - and, regardless: it doesn't really apply here - but he chooses to believe it.] Chuuya really shouldn't try hair-of-the-dog unless you want to be a cannibal.
[... Wait, did he just talk himself out of getting sex? Oh well, that's not why he came here anyway. Worth it for the bad dog joke.]
[Chuuya takes the coffee gratefully, though he does give Dazai a Look before taking his first sip, because of the added milk and sugar. Not because he really cares, just because Dazai did that on purpose. And for that comment, too. But he's too tired to actually argue, and too relieved that Dazai is actually here.]
Thought you'd get bored of the dog thing after I played along once.
[He tries to pass it off as though that was the only reason he played along, but he's not putting too much effort into being convincing. Because that age old argument between them is less important than moving a little closer, finally giving in to what he'd wanted from the start, and just leaning against Dazai's side. It's weird, because they do this all the time these days, but now that he actually needed it he found it difficult to just let himself have it.
Which makes him realize that there had been something he needed, and he hadn't told Dazai.]
That's really expensive chocolate I bought for myself, you know.
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Except he hadn't even been able to hide it this time. Kouyou had called him out for how tired he seemed, for looking pale, and had sent him home thinking he might be catching a cold. He'd listened, even though he doesn't feel like being alone, either, which had probably worried her even more. He sighs.
He's gonna pull himself together now, though. Or by tomorrow, at least. He basically just threw his off his clothes when he got home, changing into a sweatshirt and pants, old and worn and soft because of it, and a little too big. He'd taken a moment to clean off the toys that were still left on the floor, placing them in his closet with the rest of
theirhis collection, making sure the tail and ears wouldn't be ruined, the only thing he has the patience to show any care for. And then he opens a bottle of wine and pours himself a glass. Maybe he can allow himself to get drunk and mope the rest of the day, until he's needed again.Or at least that's the plan. But in the end he barely gets through one glass of wine before the lethargy gets too strong. He's curled up on the couch, feet tucked under him, feeling a bit cold but not caring as he finds himself dozing on and off.]
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When he gets a note delivered, written by a mysterious stranger that definitely isn't clearly Kouyou, considering her unique use of language, Dazai doesn't think too much of it. So Chuuya is sick? Well, maybe that explains why he was more out of it than usual yesterday. That still doesn't make it his duty to chibi-sit. Shouldn't Kouyou do her own work?!
Except that something still doesn't sit right with Dazai, and it's not even only about how rare it is for Chuuya to be sick enough to skip work.
Oh well, it's a good excuse for Dazai to skip work, too. He practically dances out of the office, informing Kunikida that he has to leave to take care of his sick dog. Kunikida's objections that Dazai doesn't have a dog and everybody knows Dazai hates dogs and "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, DAZAI?!?" are cheerfully ignored.
It's not a surprise to see that Chuuya's been drinking, but even Dazai, who knows himself to be full of extremely poor life choices (and is proud of that! who needs life anyway?!), has to judge a little. He doesn't want to put any real effort into taking care of Chuuya, but he'll get some water, anyway. If there's any instant soup, he'll bother to make that, at least.
If Chuuya hasn't woken up by the time Dazai returns from the kitchen, Dazai will poke him to wake him. Because Chuuya needs to scoot over to make room for him.]
Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty~
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So he knows who it is, but he doesn't really know how to react to the fact that he's here. He also doesn't know how to handle the intense relief that immediately fills him. He'd wanted to see Dazai. He hadn't wanted him to leave. Those vulnerable feelings from the night before are still right there, leaving him raw. Shit. He'd wanted to deal with that before Dazai had to see him like this.
He doesn't move or say anything as Dazai starts walking around the apartment, getting that glass of water. There's no instant soup, or really any food at all aside from some snacks and the canned crab he keeps for Dazai.]
What are you doing here?
[He at least turns his head to look at Dazai when he finally approaches, and then scoots over at the poking, without even bothering to swat his hand away. He wants to just lean into him.]
It's the middle of the day, isn't it?
[He's actually not sure, even though he didn't think he fell asleep for that long. He starts looking around for his phone, checking his pockets, but it doesn't seem to be on him.]
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That's a little unsettling, actually, especially when Chuuya acts like he's asleep when he's most definitely not. Then again, if he can still act like that, it's probably nothing too serious...? It's probably nothing serious.
Dazai sits, entertaining the idea of pouring the water over Chuuya's head instead, but it's not a very serious thought.]
Are you really in a position to complain about me being here in the middle of the day when you are, too?
[Just saying. Clearly the fact that it's Chuuya's place is irrelevant.
For once, Dazai is not the phone thief, but neither is he going to help Chuuya look for anything other than his health.]
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They know where he lives if it's an emergency. And right now Dazai seems more important to him.]
I wasn't complaining.
[But he's still very confused. He's confused by the glass of water, too, though he does take it from Dazai at least, even if he doesn't immediately start drinking it. But that's just because he has questions.]
Do you hide here during the day to get away from work or something?
[He doesn't care if Dazai does. It just doesn't occur to him that Kouyou would have contacted Dazai - or that Dazai would still be bothered by Chuuya seeming a little off at the end of last night - so no other explanation really makes sense.]
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[Not really. But he's sorta kinda almost doing that now, in addition to other things, so he doesn't even count it as a lie. Besides, while he could admit that he came here to check on Chuuya, that also implies that he cares, and that's kind of gross. Let's not do that. (Yet, anyway.)]
Though I have to admit that it's the first time I've seen Chuuya do the same!
[Definitely not asking how Chuuya is doing or anything. Clearly Chuuya is just playing hooky. That seems like a Chuuya thing to do.]
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Shouldn't I be hiding at your place, then?
[He's buying a bit of time to think of a lie. Except there is no lie that will explain this. Not that lying to Dazai has ever worked out for him, but even ignoring that (which he usually does), Chuuya never leaves work early unless he's forced to. Of course this seems suspicious.
He drinks some of the water Dazai got him, just to placate him a little.]
Ane-san thought I was sick and sent me home.
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[The lack of incredibly expensive wine would only be one part of that, he's sure. Anyway, that seems like a convenient excuse for Chuuya not to hide in Dazai's place instead.
Dazai relaxes on the couch, though he keeps half an eye on Chuuya as he drinks some water. When Kouyou gets mentioned, Dazai politely doesn't throw her under the bus: he knows nothing, she is innocent, etc.]
If ane-san thought that, you must have been very sick indeed.
[He's just going to conveniently put that in the perfect tense so as to not imply anything about the present, yet.]
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[Except Dazai, who'd somehow Know, even though Chuuya has never tried to hide there before. And it's both frustrating and also... weirdly comforting to have someone know him as well as Dazai does. He's not sure which reaction he's feeling more strongly at the moment.
But he can tell Dazai is buying none of this. He'd prefer to just curl up on the couch again instead of continuing to talk, but he knows he has to pull himself together.]
I'm not sick. It's nothing like that, it was just easier to let her win. [A shrug.] It's... more like an adrenaline crash, I think.
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[He's not joking. He may not be as close to Kouyou as Chuuya is, but he likes to think they have a mutual sort of respect, which mostly involves minding their own respective business unless there's a very good reason to the contrary. It's actually a pretty good relationship that way!]
Adrenaline crash? [Of all the weird things Chuuya has ever said, this must rate in the top 3 at least!] Is a life of murder and other associated crimes no longer cutting it?
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[He doesn't have much else to compare it to, but they've both experienced that, at least. The high of adrenaline during certain missions, and then the sudden drop once it's over, the complete exhaustion. The cold. Though the two of them don't exactly react to danger the way they should, so they've seen it more often in other people.
Hr rubs at the back of his neck, and wishes he had wine instead of water. The open (and still mostly full) bottle is right there on the table, almost within reach.]
I know it's weird. That's why I wasn't gonna bother you with it. And it's not a big deal. [And it involves feelings, which is not exactly Dazai's favorite topic of conversation, so he'll avoid mentioning that part.] It's just something that happens sometimes after stuff like what we did.
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Dazai has quite a wealth of knowledge, and yet this is one area where he's genuinely unfamiliar. If he's heard of the concept of sub drop at all, he's certainly not taken it any kind of seriously, because... well, why would he? Having never experienced such a thing himself, he wouldn't have been surprised if it was made up.
But Chuuya wouldn't make it up, and the fact that it's bad enough that he would admit to having even considered bringing it up with Dazai, no matter how briefly, means it's very serious indeed. Dazai doesn't like it. Part of him wants to walk away, not enjoying the responsibility at all.
But he's not 15 anymore, so he may as well try to handle this at least semi-graciously. It's not like an adrenaline crash after intense sex is so strange, probably... not that he's had much experience with adrenaline rushes of any kind in recent years, but, yanno.]
Chuuya really enjoyed being my dog, hm?
[That is probably not what his main take-away should be, but he's working with limited information here. Besides, it's a genuine question, in his own way. He's not mocking Chuuya at all.]
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Chuuya tenses a bit at that question, because he knows he should lie and deny everything, the way he always does, to be less suspicious.]
Wasn't the worst thing we've done. [Lying is exhausting, so have a half truth instead.] This doesn't mean we can't do any messed up shit in the future.
[In his mind, this is just his own weakness. It's his own responsibility to handle it. And he does want to have kinky sex with Dazai, nights where he just lets the bastard be his bastard self. It feels better than anything has a right to.]
This isn't anything to worry about.
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[It's kind of obvious in the moment, after all - and that's not even counting how Chuuya doesn't just kill Dazai whenever he tries something kinky. Dazai has no illusions: Chuuya might well be able to kill him. At the very least, Chuuya absolutely could do Dazai some harm that he wouldn't be able to get back from, if Dazai really crossed a line.
But Dazai has no intention of crossing that line, anyway. If he ever needs to hurt Chuuya, he will - but, even if it ever comes to that, he won't do it in ways like this.]
How~e~ver... if things are going to affect you this badly, we need to find a solution. [Not that Dazai has any idea what that should be, yet, but it's definitely necessary.] If it's bad enough that people are calling you out on being sick, you're going to encounter the wrong enemy at the wrong time at some point. I really don't want to be held responsible for that.
Ane-san would cut off several parts of my body. [That is definitely why he won't be held responsible. He doesn't care or anything.]
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I can handle myself if something happens, Dazai.
[He knows Dazai is talking about more than a straight up attack, but still. It's just another reminder that he's being weak. It's his own responsibility to handle this, too, and he does need to pull himself together. But maybe for once he just wants a single day where he doesn't immediately have to be fine for the sake of everyone else.
(He knows he can't allow himself that.)
But he does notice that we from Dazai. We need to find a solution, said sincerely, which is definitely surprising. It's the only reason why he's willing to give it a bit more thought, instead of trying to dismiss the topic when he's finding it so difficult to care. But the thing is: Chuuya doesn't know much about this either. He's had people mention it, but he never really bothered to listen.
He hunches in on himself a bit more. He knows Dazai is going to be disappointed when he realizes Chuuya has deliberately chosen not to learn about something that Dazai has now decided is important. He doesn't feel like dealing with that disappointment when he feels shitty enough already. There's a definite delay before he continues:]
In the past I've had some people ask me about what I need after a scene, but I never cared that much. [He lifts one hand in a dismissive gesture.] Why the hell would I want some stranger pretending like they give a shit just because I let them fuck me. It's not usually this bad anyway.
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[Maybe Dazai is forcing it a little, but sometimes he gets really tired of Chuuya and his determination to always be strong enough for the whole entire world to lean on him. That doesn't help anybody, least of all Chuuya himself. The more you let people lean on you, the more they will lean on you when they don't really need to, too.
Maybe Chuuya being so annoyingly determined to be strong is part of why Dazai enjoys making him the opposite, really - as if that will teach Chuuya some kind of valuable life lesson. But then, maybe Dazai is just a pervert, too.
While Dazai is running through a dozen or so scenarios with possible solutions - not very effective if you don't know what the actual problem is - he listens to Chuuya, who honestly isn't saying all that much in spite of all the words he's throwing out there. But Dazai has an eye for details.]
Sooooo... You're saying you do want me to pretend like I give a shit?
[YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE SKIPPED THE "PRETEND", DAZAI!!]
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Or maybe they're both just perverts.
But Dazai is giving him permission now as well, isn't he? That much of Dazai's message makes it through the fog that's taken over his brain, and it helps, a little. Enough that his immediate response to Dazai's statement is an annoyed tch, and a small glare.
Not quite up to his usual annoyance, but a little bit closer to normal.]
I don't want anyone to pretend anything.
[But he can also tell Dazai's being a dick for the sake of it, so he's not taking him too seriously.]
If you want to leave, I'm never going to stop you.
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[Well... he almost might as well be able to, with how smart he is, but he still can't, and it's obvious that he has missed something here. He really isn't trying to be mean (... for the most part), but this isn't like fighting enemies, where they know what the other is planning with half a word or less: this is new territory for them, and only if Dazai knows the problem can he do something about it.]
So you want me to stay afterwards? I didn't exactly run out straight after, though.
[But he sure did drop the scene like a hot potato. It hadn't been malevolent at all: he just didn't see the point when things had been finished, as far as he was concerned.]
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[His objection is pure reflex, but at least he catches himself before finishing the sentence. He hates this. He really wishes he could just shove all these needs down so far that they stopped existing... Except, he doesn't, really. He wishes he could just allow himself to need this.
He's still awkwardly holding the water glass. He considers setting it down, but he doesn't feel like leaning forwards to reach the table, so he sips it a bit more instead. At least there's less chance of accidentally spilling anything. And at least it buys him a second to gather his thoughts. He's pretty sure Dazai can tell he's working out what to say, but just in case, he makes a quick gesture of shut up for a second.]
I don't actually know much about this either, you know.
[Defensively. And what he wants has never been straightforward, either. The second he tries to think about what he wants, the guilt of what he should want, what he should prioritize, comes flooding in, overwhelming everything. And he gets overwhelmed enough by his own feelings as it is. But Dazai does deserve an explanation right now, which is a clear enough thought for him to hold onto.
He's biting the inside of his cheek as he thinks.]
I don't actually know what would help, Dazai. [It's still defensive, since he knows Dazai is getting frustrated with him.] But... When we do those things, I have to completely let go. Submit, I guess. I have to let my guard down and just allow whatever you want to happen to happen, and trust that it's okay. If I fight you, we can't exactly do anything, right?
And when I manage, it feels... really good. [His tone softens just a bit. There's another pause before he continues, though - he's really struggling to explain this, considering he usually never talks about his feelings at all.] You know that feeling when you're just the right amount of drunk? That perfect buzz. It's a little like that, but way better. And then it just keeps getting better the longer we go. I kind of forget anything but you even exists.
[He's gonna drink some more water, to clear his throat. He's almost finished the glass now, just from reflexively sipping from what's in his hand, and using it to buy time. But the more he talks about this, the more those vulnerable feelings are coming back to the surface, despite all his efforts to force them all away.]
I have to be weak if I'm gonna be your dog or whatever. But then afterwards -- Ugh, it's stupid. But it's not like I can keep letting myself be weak after we're done. I have to pull myself together, and I guess I'm not as good at that as I should be, so it was taking too much time last night.
I know I was acting weird. I was trying to make sure I'd stop feeling so weak -- [ and vulnerable, and raw] -- before you left, and it wasn't working at all.
Shit. Dazai. If I want anything, it's just a way to avoid that. I can't afford to be weak.
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For what it's worth, he can certainly tell when Chuuya is trying to work things out for himself, and he has no intention of interrupting anything at that time, even without Chuuya's impatient gesture.
All this talk of being weak is always laughable, especially when it comes to Chuuya, but that's Dazai's personal opinion, and it's not intended to devalue Chuuya's experience one way or the other. Dazai did, of course, have some basic understanding of what people enjoy in submission; he just doesn't have any personal experience, and so his understanding probably didn't go far enough, when it comes to these specific situations. He listens, and he keeps listening, fitting some puzzle pieces together in his head, and painting new pictures on others. Only when Chuuya seems to have said what he needed to say for the moment does Dazai finally summarize his understanding of it all.]
Sooo... [He drags the sound out almost comically, but his expression is serious. He really is trying to get some genuine understanding here... all evidence to the contrary.] What you're saying is: this is a H-hangover?
[A hangover from sex. That seems like it should be weird, but actually doesn't sound as crazy as it probably should. It is a high, and so it does come with an inevitable crash. It's also a comparison that Dazai is, regrettably, familiar enough with to get some insight.
That doesn't necessarily offer any immediate answers on how Dazai can prevent or fix the problem, but it does give him a much clearer picture of things than he had before. He can do this! He'll figure something out.]
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Of course you had to call it something like that. But yeah, I guess.
[That's probably more accurate than an adrenaline crash, since there wasn't really any adrenaline involved. But it's not like being drunk feels like a high to him, either.]
And it's -- Shit. [He's still thinking about it now. Finally acknowledging some things about it.] It affects my mood pretty bad, too. But there's probably nothing to do about that. Of course it's gonna suck when I finally feel good, and then I have to force myself to stop as fast as I can.
[Obviously nothing to do about that. Chuuya finishes the water, and finally leans forward to set the glass down and get rid of it.]
If it's like a hangover, drinking water makes sense. Still prefer wine or coffee.
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There's no way Dazai is giving Chuuya wine at a time like this - Chuuya is too weak to alcohol at the best of times, and this hardly seems like the best of times - but Dazai supposes he can put some effort in. He gets up from the couch, not quite sighing, though there's a distant echo of it in his body language all the same.]
... Coffee, then.
[Fine, silly chibi. He'll make you some coffee! Just sit your ass on that couch and wait.
... He's going to add some sugar and cream, though. If this is remotely like a hangover, Chuuya can probably use it. (And even if it isn't, at least it will mean that Dazai wasn't too nice by getting Chuuya his actual, preferred coffee!)]
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At least Chuuya's fancy coffee maker makes it easy. With the push of a button it grinds beans, heats water, and makes a great cup, every single time. There's no need for sugar and cream. But he won't complain.]
There's some chocolate in the fridge.
[Should he get up and get it... No, Dazai is clearly making some sort of point here, since he didn't even whine about being the one getting up. Instead Chuuya will reach for the already opened wine on the table, but only so he can grab the cork and - with some help from gravity - push it back in there to seal it back up. It's not ideal, but it's not like it was one of his expensive bottles. He can save it for later.]
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[At the rate Dazai is acting a waiter, Chuuya really owes him a tip! It's truly unfair. But Dazai accepts his fate for the moment, returning shortly with a (slightly!) sugar-and-creamed coffee, and the chocolate. The former, he hands to Chuuya. The latter, he should probably give to Chuuya too, but first he chomps down on a piece of it himself, because he might as well pretend to feed himself for five seconds as he drapes himself over the couch again.]
Coffee's good for hangovers too, you know? [He says while munching on the chocolate. It may or may not be bullshit - and, regardless: it doesn't really apply here - but he chooses to believe it.] Chuuya really shouldn't try hair-of-the-dog unless you want to be a cannibal.
[... Wait, did he just talk himself out of getting sex? Oh well, that's not why he came here anyway. Worth it for the bad dog joke.]
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Thought you'd get bored of the dog thing after I played along once.
[He tries to pass it off as though that was the only reason he played along, but he's not putting too much effort into being convincing. Because that age old argument between them is less important than moving a little closer, finally giving in to what he'd wanted from the start, and just leaning against Dazai's side. It's weird, because they do this all the time these days, but now that he actually needed it he found it difficult to just let himself have it.
Which makes him realize that there had been something he needed, and he hadn't told Dazai.]
That's really expensive chocolate I bought for myself, you know.
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