indensity | so smoke 'em if you got 'em 'cause it's going down

[And this is why Chuuya, in Dazai's not-so-humble opinion, is rather silly (not that Dazai is one to talk). It's not just for the taking on of all those responsibilities (though that also rates up there), but for that line of reasoning that makes no sense whatsoever.]

It's the opposite, isn't it? [Does Chuuya really not see it?] It's because you have too many responsibilities that you do need those things.

[It may not be Dazai's own preference, but he can see how that would make sense. Wanting what you don't have, in some form or other, is certainly an inherent part of the human experience. There's no grand logic to it, but there's no shame in it either.

He lets out a long, soft sigh, but it's not at Chuuya. Serious topics are always unpleasant. That's not for any of the details of them, and it certainly isn't unique to this case here. But serious topics - actual, serious topics - have not a single shred of fun to them. So, by their very definition, can't they only make life worse?

Well, it seems like things are already "worse" at the moment, anyway. Dazai's hand lands on Chuuya's head, gently stroking his hair.]

I don't need anything from you, Chuuya. [Yup, saw that coming. But is that really such a bad thing?] You existing is enough.

[He really doesn't see it. He can't allow himself to see it, because if he did - if he admitted to himself that he needs more than he allows himself to have - then he wouldn't be able to go back. Convincing himself that the knowledge of a job well done is all he needs is what has allowed him to keep going for so long. He's always insisted that Dazai's occasional praise of good boy was purely humiliating.

(And when things were more complicated between them, it really was just that, but maybe not for the reasons Chuuya thought.)

It's definitely an unpleasant topic. But something has cracked inside Chuuya, and he can try to duct tape it back together and ignore it, or he can admit that maybe it wasn't as solid as he thought. And Dazai keeps insisting that it never needed to be. Chuuya leans into Dazai's hand, because that simple touch feels impossibly good at the moment.]

Okay. [He's not sure he believes everything Dazai is saying, but he trusts that Dazai means it, and maybe that's enough for now.] I want that.

[Just existing together. He kept calling himself weak, but maybe it's because he doesn't want to be strong.]

You're always telling me a dog should listen to its owner.

[Dazai may not know all the variables of Chuuya's mood and thoughts at the moment, but he's doing the best he can, with one considerable condition: he's not going to lie. Would that make it easier? Probably! It usually does. But there are many occasions for lying, and there are a rare few times where lying is not acceptable. This is definitely the latter. He's not going to tell Chuuya something specific, just because he thinks that it's what Chuuya wants to hear. Maybe that's not what Chuuya needs, but Dazai has his own brand of honesty, and his own lines he won't cross. He does, indeed, mean what he says, and when it comes to Dazai, that is a rare enough occasion.

It's still kind of uncomfortable to be so serious, though - at least for too long. And so he gives it up as soon as he thinks he reasonably can, but gently.]

Ahhhh, now you're going to listen to me?! [Silly puppy. Dazai gives Chuuya's head a little push towards his lap, softly encouraging.] Lie down.

[They can just spend some time with Chuuya in his lap, Dazai softly stroking his hair. That silly chibi does need some rest.]

[That is definitely a yes, clear permission from Dazai to just let go. Chuuya has been waiting for it, and it's almost funny how immediate his physical reaction is, tension draining from his body as though he really had been forcibly holding it all together. He still has his coffee, be barely drank half of it, but that doesn't seem important anymore. He leans forward to set it on the table.

And then he lets Dazai guide him down until he's resting with his head on his thigh.]

Don't wanna be too predictable, so I have to change it up sometimes.

[A small joke, because he's not a big fan of serious conversations either. But for once they actually managed to get through one without either of them losing (too much) patience, and without them giving up and one of them leaving.]

But I listened last night, too.

So you did.

[Dazai can admit to that easily enough. He's still not really sure what is best for Chuuya right now, but a little attention can't hurt, and some rest is almost certainly necessary to get him feel better, too. For now, Dazai is quite content to lightly run his fingers through Chuuya's hair, and while it's ostensibly to soothe Chuuya... it's just nice to do, too.

Honestly, it's kind of nice to do these things outside of sex too, it seems! How strange... but then, Chuuya's attitude is the most important thing.]

You did very well.

[It definitely feels different, doing this outside of sex, and without any of the excuses they've always hid behind, ever since they were teenagers. They've squabbled and then just stayed where they ended up, or they were drunk, or they were too tired, or they had some other reason for why it didn't count. But right now Dazai is just petting him to make him feel good.

And Chuuya is letting Dazai take charge. Dazai would have had to win a bet to make him do that outside of sex, in the past, even though they're not doing anything kinky, just relaxing.

And the praise still feels good. Not humiliating at all. It's hard not to feel guilty about all of this when Chuuya isn't doing anything for Dazai to make up for it, but Dazai made his own decision, and Chuuya isn't forcing him to stay. Doesn't that mean he's enjoying this, too?]

I liked it.

[Maybe he'll regret admitting that later. Maybe he won't.]

[Dazai has to chuckle at that a little, because no, really?!]

I could tell~!

[Silly, silly Chuuya... An admission is hardly going to make a difference at this point. But Dazai kind of likes it anyway. In a way, isn't that praise in return?

Part of him wants to point out yet again how absurd it is for Chuuya to feel bad for what he likes, sexually or otherwise - because it really is just that absurd. But clearly this isn't the time, and so Dazai will graciously give Chuuya a break from his impeccable logic.]

... If you like it, then just enjoy it.

[What they were doing yesterday; what they are doing now, too. Dazai gently massages Chuuya's head with one hand, the other resting lightly further down Chuuya's body. Dazai's not even doing anything worth mentioning, and yet he is thoroughly enjoying owning Chuuya this way - arguably more intensely than he ever has before.

It's really weird. But he doesn't dislike it.]

[Chuuya can feel his cheeks heating up a bit at that chuckle.]

I know you could.

[Dazai knows him better than anyone, after all. Sometimes he knows what Chuuya likes better than Chuuya does, so there was no way he would have been able to hide it from the start. But there's something comforting in that, something safe, and maybe the reminder of it is something that he needs. Besides, he knows Dazai isn't judging him for what he likes. He might like teasing Chuuya, and he'll definitely use his humiliation kink against him when they play, but he isn't judging. Chuuya knows, because he knows Dazai better than anyone, too.

So it was a compliment. It was also another sign of his submission and his trust. Dazai might know the truth, but Chuuya still usually denies it (and he will deny it again later, but that's a different sort of game they play).]

Always thought making it too easy might get boring.

[But he'd been wrong about that, apparently.]

It should, shouldn't it?

[It absolutely and definitely should be boring - yet it's always been fairly easy, and Dazai has never been bored. He's a bit surprised about that himself, to be honest! The movement of his fingers on Chuuya's head slows a bit, thoughtful.

But, really, what applies to Chuuya should apply to Dazai too: if he likes it, he should just enjoy it. It's been literal years, so the odds of him getting bored at this point are absolutely negligible.]

It's different when it's Chuuya.

[That's as good an explanation as he's got - but why shouldn't it be enough?]

[Chuuya is too surprised by that to even say anything for a second. Surprised and then embarrassingly happy, just from that simple statement. Dazai wants him. Considering how often Dazai is in his apartment and in his bed, that should be obvious, but hearing it is still different.

He's smiling now. He can't help it.]

Never wanted this with anyone other than Dazai.

[Dazai might claim that it's always been easy, but he's earned this. Building trust was never something that came naturally to either of them.]

[Trust may not ever have come naturally, but it's always been there between them, hasn't it? No matter how often they've antagonized each other, there have always been lines that they would never cross. (All right, Dazai definitely pushed that trust a lot more than Chuuya did. But nevermind that! It's the principle of the thing!!)

No... Maybe it's the other way around, actually. Maybe it's because they've never pretended, never did worse or better to each other than they needed to, that it somehow became easier to trust each other. The world is full of bullshit and betrayal, after all. It's refreshing to not have to pretend too much.

Even if that ended up accidentally leading to another kind of pretending. Oh well, they're here now.]

Good.

[That's all he can say to that, really. It's just as well that Chuuya has things that are only for Dazai. The rest of the world fares the better for it.]

[It makes more sense to Chuuya, the other way around. He's met enough people who wouldn't cross those lines, but that doesn't mean he trusts them. Because it doesn't mean anything when they don't. To them, Chuuya is irrelevant, not part of the equation at all, so why would he offer them something important in return?

But the two of them figured out where that line should be, and they both decided - even if they never actually talked about it - that it was important because it was theirs. Even when it was at the most painful.

Or maybe because it was often so painful, and they needed something to hold on to.]

You knew that.

[Or maybe that was one thing Dazai actually needed to have confirmed. That's not a bad thought, either, actually. Besides, hearing that possessive tone makes him feel good.]

I know when it's good weather too, but sometimes it's still nice to comment on it?

[Logic, he has it. Still gently petting Chuuya's hair, because that is really quite a nice thing to keep his hands busy he's found, he belatedly thinks of arguably an even better comparison.]

Look - Chuuya always looks good, but you still enjoy when I say so.

[The logic is just getting more and more flawless here.]

[The petting is definitely nice. Chuuya could fall asleep like that, he thinks, but he doesn't want to yet. Especially not when Dazai is complimenting him.]

Yeah, you should say it more often.

[The logic works for him. And Dazai does tell him he looks good sometimes, while Chuuya has rarely admitted how much he wants Dazai - or that he really only wants Dazai - so that makes saying it now all the more important.]

Wait. Did you know? You couldn't know what I was up to for those four years you were hiding in some hole.

Couldn't I?

[Weeeeeeell... maybe not completely. He certainly didn't keep tabs on Chuuya nearly as much as he had felt inclined to. Choices were made, priorities were set, etc. And, okay, maybe it was just easier to convince himself he was letting go, only dabbling with the tiniest bit of tabs-keeping under the guise of amusement. If that wasn't the whole truth... it was not a lie, either.

More importantly:]

Chuuya is beautiful, even now. Especially now!

[Okay, maybe he's laying it on a little thick. But he's not lying!]

You couldn't-

[Chuuya did assume Dazai kept track of the Port Mafia in that time, which would at least give Dazai a few updates on Chuuya, just as an extension. But this is more than just that. Chuuya rolls onto his back, still with his head resting in Dazai's lap, just so he can look up at him now.]

I knew that was you.

[He never mentioned it to anyone, those times he'd convinced himself Dazai was around and fucking with him somehow. He'd honestly just been relieved about the sign of life, even if it did lead to at least one round of food poisoning.

And why shouldn't he be happy for the proof that Dazai couldn't fully stay away, even then?]

Only you'd say that when I look like a mess.

[Dazai and his damn way with words when he wants to. Chuuya knows he looks good, he doesn't need to be told, but somehow Dazai always knows how to get to him. The bastard means it, that's the worst part. Chuuya outright asked for the compliment, and he can still feel himself blushing, just a little.]

[Dazai smiles down at Chuuya, eyebrows lifting a bit in amusement. Of course Chuuya knew. Dazai was pretty sure that he did; for that matter, Chuuya knowing was half the point. It's still a little funny (though not surprising) that Chuuya was trying to convince himself otherwise, though.

With Chuuya looking up at him, there are other ways to smooth out his hair, and it's easier for Dazai to lazily twirl a strand or two around his fingers. Sure, he's here to make Chuuya feel better (apparently!), but that doesn't mean he can't enjoy himself in the process. One of these days, maybe he should give Chuuya a perm in his sleep... but not today.]

You don't? I don't lie when I don't need to. [... Does anyone ever need to lie? If they do, is there any reason why Dazai shouldn't "need" to now?? ... Well, the point is, he's not lying.] You still look good, Chuuya.

[That amused expression is incredibly unfair. Mostly because there's no other way to describe it than fond, and that's not something Chuuya knows how to deal with.]

I know you're not lying. And I know I look good. But you're--

[He doesn't so much cut himself off as realize he actually had nowhere he was going with that argument, and so he's forced to stop. His mouth stays slightly open for a second before he just throws an arm over his face like a shield. He's flustered. He'd been feeling like shit and now Dazai has him feeling flustered. He's still feeling vulnerable, all his emotions right there, without his usual defensive anger to hide behind.

The matching sweatshirt and sweatpants he's wearing are old, worn, the colors faded, probably should have been thrown out ages ago, except they're comfortable and not meant to be worn around other people anyway. He's definitely not looking his best.

And Dazai is looking so pleased about it all.]

I -- What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

[How dare Dazai make him feel good about himself??]

[The way a person looks is hardly about their clothes, Dazai would say - but humanity as a whole would disagree, he knows. (And that is why humanity as a whole looks good... although admittedly not always in the special way Chuuya manages to.)

Embarrassment is a nice look on Chuuya, too, in a variety of different ways. Dazai finds that he doesn't mind the current, relatively benign one, either.]

You're not supposed to say anything, Chuuya. Didn't I tell you before?

I don't need anything from you.

[The words could be interpreted so negatively, but that's not how Dazai means them at all, and that's not the tone in which he uses them either. Chuuya makes a habit of being used; Dazai doesn't care to do that (barring specific circumstances, anyway!). Dazai makes a habit of using people, but he is playing no such games with Chuuya.

He's only here because he wants to be. And, here and now, that is enough.]

[Chuuya would say it's definitely about clothes. It's about standing out, making a statement, controlling the type of person you're perceived as. It's about knowing someone went to the effort of dressing up just to look good for you.

But as much as he loves when Dazai puts in that little effort, it's not like those are the times that make him stop in his tracks. So maybe he gets it. Because maybe seeing Dazai sitting quietly with a cup of coffee, bandages a little loose because he needs to replace them but hasn't yet, is better than any tailored suit ever could be. Even if he's not sure he could compare this - he just noticed the pants have a hole on the thigh - to that.

But when Dazai says he doesn't need anything, it doesn't sound like anything negative at all.]

If you were anyone else, I would have changed before you made it into the apartment.

[There's a reason why Dazai gets to see him like this.]

Mhm.

[It's just a small sound of acknowledgement, because Dazai believes that, too: he doesn't expect Chuuya to let anyone else see him like this. And that's as it should be. In some ways, Dazai believes that it would be better for Chuuya to have more real connections with people; that Chuuya would benefit from letting his guard down around people other than Dazai, as well. But Chuuya has never been that way inclined, and Dazai frankly likes that. Even if their connection is special, that doesn't mean that Dazai wants to share Chuuya with the world that badly.]

... Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't take off your clothes altogether.

[No he's not, that's just a joke in extremely bad taste. But it wouldn't be so bad to lighten the mood a little, and hopefully get Chuuya to relax a little more. For that matter: even if Chuuya gets angry, that wouldn't be unwelcome either! There are no bad outcomes here, Dazai thinks.]

[Chuuya doesn't get mad. Not with Dazai still petting his hair. Instead he lets out a small amused huff, like he's forgetting to hold it back, rolling his eyes slightly.]

I like making you work for it sometimes.

[That, and Dazai gives him about a two second warning to change or get undressed, since he almost never lets Chuuya know he's coming and just breaks in. Other people ring the doorbell. Not that Chuuya would want Dazai to, when he likes how often he's been coming over. It's probably better not to think about how that makes all of this sound like something established.

It's just how it works for them. That's all it is.]

Maybe next time I'll put on extra layers instead.

A truly nefarious plan!

Remind me to set fire to your wardrobe.

[Nah, he probably won't do that, especially now that he's announced it. But if Chuuya is going to come up with ridiculous measures, then Dazai can come up with ridiculous counter-measures. That's just how life goes.

And, while Dazai won't say it, he's rather glad to hear Chuuya's amused huff. Dazai may be a genius, but that doesn't mean he has a magically accurate insight into every other person's psyche, as much as he likes to pretend otherwise. But if Chuuya can still be amused, then things will be okay sooner or later. And that is a relief.]

[It will definitely be okay. Chuuya feels like he's okay as long as he doesn't have to be okay, which he's pretty sure makes no sense, but then he was never good at this sort of thing. What matters is that there's no expectation for him to pull himself together here. He just wants to stay close.]

You'd end up burning clothes you like making me wear.

[So he's not worried - wait, no, Dazai would take those clothes out, and force him to wear nothing else. So he's worried. Except that he has no intention of wearing extra clothes when Dazai wants him naked, and they both know it.]

You're just trying to trick me into agreeing to let you decide what I wear when you feel like it.

[Nudity was really never the concern here.]

Do I really have to trick you for that?

[Somehow the question is halfway rhetorical and halfway emotional blackmail. They both know that Dazai has ways to make things work out the way he wants them to. Chuuya could try to stop him, but Dazai would know and take counter-measures, and -... Well, wouldn't be easier if they both saved themselves the trouble? It's not like Dazai asks too much of Chuuya.

... Not usually, anyway...

His petting of Chuuya's hair slows down a little, though he doesn't stop; he half intended to stop, but he finds himself enjoying it, and so he keeps going.]

Is there anything else you need?

[It feels like a strangely broad question, and one that somehow exposes Dazai as much as it does Chuuya. But, since Chuuya seems to have calmed down some, it needs to be asked. A little water and chocolate is a good start, but... just in case.]

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