[It's just a small sound of acknowledgement, because Dazai believes that, too: he doesn't expect Chuuya to let anyone else see him like this. And that's as it should be. In some ways, Dazai believes that it would be better for Chuuya to have more real connections with people; that Chuuya would benefit from letting his guard down around people other than Dazai, as well. But Chuuya has never been that way inclined, and Dazai frankly likes that. Even if their connection is special, that doesn't mean that Dazai wants to share Chuuya with the world that badly.]
... Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't take off your clothes altogether.
[No he's not, that's just a joke in extremely bad taste. But it wouldn't be so bad to lighten the mood a little, and hopefully get Chuuya to relax a little more. For that matter: even if Chuuya gets angry, that wouldn't be unwelcome either! There are no bad outcomes here, Dazai thinks.]
[Chuuya doesn't get mad. Not with Dazai still petting his hair. Instead he lets out a small amused huff, like he's forgetting to hold it back, rolling his eyes slightly.]
I like making you work for it sometimes.
[That, and Dazai gives him about a two second warning to change or get undressed, since he almost never lets Chuuya know he's coming and just breaks in. Other people ring the doorbell. Not that Chuuya would want Dazai to, when he likes how often he's been coming over. It's probably better not to think about how that makes all of this sound like something established.
It's just how it works for them. That's all it is.]
[Nah, he probably won't do that, especially now that he's announced it. But if Chuuya is going to come up with ridiculous measures, then Dazai can come up with ridiculous counter-measures. That's just how life goes.
And, while Dazai won't say it, he's rather glad to hear Chuuya's amused huff. Dazai may be a genius, but that doesn't mean he has a magically accurate insight into every other person's psyche, as much as he likes to pretend otherwise. But if Chuuya can still be amused, then things will be okay sooner or later. And that is a relief.]
[It will definitely be okay. Chuuya feels like he's okay as long as he doesn't have to be okay, which he's pretty sure makes no sense, but then he was never good at this sort of thing. What matters is that there's no expectation for him to pull himself together here. He just wants to stay close.]
You'd end up burning clothes you like making me wear.
[So he's not worried - wait, no, Dazai would take those clothes out, and force him to wear nothing else. So he's worried. Except that he has no intention of wearing extra clothes when Dazai wants him naked, and they both know it.]
You're just trying to trick me into agreeing to let you decide what I wear when you feel like it.
[Somehow the question is halfway rhetorical and halfway emotional blackmail. They both know that Dazai has ways to make things work out the way he wants them to. Chuuya could try to stop him, but Dazai would know and take counter-measures, and -... Well, wouldn't be easier if they both saved themselves the trouble? It's not like Dazai asks too much of Chuuya.
... Not usually, anyway...
His petting of Chuuya's hair slows down a little, though he doesn't stop; he half intended to stop, but he finds himself enjoying it, and so he keeps going.]
Is there anything else you need?
[It feels like a strangely broad question, and one that somehow exposes Dazai as much as it does Chuuya. But, since Chuuya seems to have calmed down some, it needs to be asked. A little water and chocolate is a good start, but... just in case.]
[He probably should consider that question for at least more than a second, but -- ]
Not really. At least if you keep petting me.
[With Dazai still petting his hair, it's difficult to care about anything else enough to lie. Sure, he might object at times when Dazai brings out something new, but it's usually just for the sake of it, and he gives in quickly enough. There's only a few exceptions, like the dog ears and tail, but even that doesn't count anymore.
Well, there's the maid outfit, but that's also because Dazai would want him to play the part as well. And the humiliation of serving Dazai, curtsying for him, calling him Master... Okay, it's a turn on, but he has other objections as well!
He shoves that thought aside before he accidentally does get hard. The next question isn't really any easier, not just because he's bad at considering his own needs like that, and feels bad about asking for it, but because he honestly doesn't know. He doesn't want to ask for something that turns out not to help, either.
Well, he should probably eat, shouldn't he?]
I could order us some food - [wait, his phone is in another room] - Or you could. And we could nap until then.
[He almost never naps, and definitely doesn't suggest it for the two of them. But Dazai likes naps, and Chuuya just wants to curl up close.]
[Well then, petting Chuuya is hardly a big price to pay for making him so pliable. Not that Dazai really minds it when Chuuya gets recalcitrant, either, but sometimes it's nice to just be able to be lazy about these things... Nice for both of them, it seems.]
Mhm, sounds like a plan.
[Taking out his phone, Dazai manages to put in an order for some halfway decent food using only his free hand, still slowly petting Chuuya. He will absolutely pretend to nap - and he will absolutely not wake Chuuya up when the food arrives. (There was definitely a note with his food order to please not ring the doorbell because of sleeping pets.) Dazai will just eat his own share, and the rest will be there for Chuuya when he wakes up.
... Of course, by that time, Dazai may just be having a nap of his own, since apparently he's not allowed to leave. (He doesn't really mind that.)]
[Chuuya hadn't expected to sleep that long. He hadn't thought he was that tired, but maybe that had just been because he'd struggled to relax. And with Dazai here, petting him, staying, something in Chuuya was finally able to let go. He'd still half expected Dazai to have left by the time he wakes up, surprised and happy when he feels the warmth of his body still there, even though Dazai clearly hasn't been sleeping the whole time.
He is now, though. Chuuya kind of wants to get a picture of it, except... his phone is still not on him, and he doesn't want to move away. He could steal Dazai's phone to take it, and then just send it to himself, but he's pretty sure he'd wake Dazai up if he tried.
So instead he reaches for the food, trying to stay quiet, and to avoid moving too much. He's hungrier than he'd realized, too, but even so, he keeps glancing at Dazai while he eats. He wants to brush his hair back out of his face, but that would definitely wake him, too.
Why is he doing all this for Chuuya?]
And you'd still be confused by how you make me feel...
[He keeps his voice low, barely a whisper. He probably shouldn't say it at all, but he can't hold these things in forever, and right now he's feeling it so much it's overwhelming.
That bastard stayed. Chuuya shoves more food in his mouth, like that will distract him.]
[It's strange that Dazai manages to fall asleep at all, because that is not one of his many talents. But he had a good meal, and he manages to be fairly relaxed after everything, somehow. So he does sleep for a little bit, apparently.
He also absolutely wakes up mere seconds after Chuuya, because of course he does. Pretending like he's still asleep isn't even on purpose, at first... He's just nice and relaxed, lying there over the couch. As long as there's no reason to, why would he bother opening his eyes, and all that other stuff? Chuuya doesn't seem to be in trouble or anything, so let him eat.
... And let him say weird things, apparently.]
How I make you feel?
[He says it first, and only then cracks open an eye. His timing, right when Chuuya is stuffing his face, is not deliberate, but still excellent.]
[Chuuya really had thought Dazai was asleep. He chokes on the food he was about to swallow, turning abruptly when Dazai's speaks. He would have given him a horrified (embarrassed) look, but instead he's coughing, doubling over, nearly spilling the rest of his food, trying to dislodge that small piece of meat.
At least he manages to turn away from Dazai again as he coughs so hard his eyes start to water.
Give him a second. Or a minute.]
You --
[He clears his throat again. Looks around for a napkin.]
[Sitting up unhurriedly, Dazai deigns to pat Chuuya on the back. He doesn't do it nearly roughly enough to help with dislodging any food, but... it's the thought that counts??
There's not enough of a thought to help Chuuya find a napkin, though, because Dazai doesn't really care, himself. Besides, it's Chuuya's place! Chuuya knows best where to find things. (Dazai just has a pretty good idea, too.)]
That's strange! I don't normally hear chibis barking in my dreams.
[You kinda had that coming, Chuuya. At least Dazai isn't overly intent on being a dick about anything; he's just curious.]
How do I make you feel?
[He should have probably asked that before being kind of a dick. But then, he did! It's not his fault that Chuuya didn't answer him properly.]
[Napkins are in the kitchen, too far away. But there were also a couple in the takeout bags, thankfully. Chuuya uses one to clean up the small mess he'd made, and the other to wipe his face, a bit embarrassed Dazai actually made him choke on the food.]
You were sleeping.
[He knows he's not convincing Dazai, but he hadn't expected to be overheard, and he's definitely not prepared to explain. He knows he shouldn't be surprised that Dazai was, apparently, awake, and yet he somehow always is.
He grabs his food again, and then, since Dazai's hand is on his back anyway, it feels natural to lean back and against Dazai's side before picking up his chopsticks so he can have some more. He looks like he'd really prefer to hide his face at the moment, keeping his head turned firmly downwards.]
So I was! And then I woke up. That's how these things work, Chuuya.
[Really, he can't be blamed for when he woke up - or didn't wake up. These things are out of one's control, don't you know!?
Dazai settles back with Chuuya leaning against him, the position surprisingly comfortable in spite of the clear awkwardness of the topic on Chuuya's part. Chuuya can hide his face all he wants; Dazai knows what it looks like. Besides, a fancy place like Chuuya's has a lot of reflective surfaces that can help Dazai get a good view.... but for now he's not going to point that out.]
So I was just imagining a confession you were about to give me? [He gives a dramatic sigh for good measure.] Too bad, too bad...
[He really can't blame Dazai. He still wants to, just because it's Dazai, because somehow he always overhears the things Chuuya doesn't want him to, or finds out some other way. Maybe Chuuya was careless, but Dazai always seems to know when he should pretend to sleep and when he shouldn't. Except that thinking about it like that really doesn't make Chuuya less embarrassed.
He eats another bite.]
And now you're jumping to conclusions.
[Another bite. The worst part is that it's not even a bad thing. Chuuya just has no idea how to talk about feelings, and isn't sure too many feelings won't come out all at once, like opening the lid of a pressurized container.]
Why can't you just be asleep when you look like you're sleeping?
Why can't you be better at seeing when someone is asleep and when they are faking it?
[... Dazai wasn't even deliberately faking it, but he's still going to throw that possibility out there, because???? Well, it makes about as much sense as anything, probably. Chuuya is already determined to make this deliberate on his part; may as well poke at Chuuya in return and see if he accidentally says something honest again.
And maybe there's also some small amount of self-sabotage involved, but that's clearly a mere side effect.]
If you don't want me to jump to conclusions, all you have to do is say what you meant to say?
[Chuuya shoots Dazai a look that's definitely not him sulking. It's a glare. Obviously. Even though he's not actually angry at all, just flustered and trying to regain his composure and train of thought.
Are there even words to explain what he meant? There's definitely no words for that strange warmth he feels, knowing Dazai came back, stayed, wanted to know exactly what Chuuya needs and is going out of his way when he never had to. There's no words to describe how that heat builds like a pressure in his chest, more than he can contain, like it might twist him inside out, like the opposite of gravity. And it's not even painful at all. It's good. He needs it. It feels selfish and all his.
It's too much even if he could explain it. But Dazai makes him feel a lot of different things, and there's a different one that was filling him earlier as well.]
You can't tell me I shouldn't feel that way.
[Another look, this one a slight warning. But he's not going to look at Dazai as he says it, so he goes back to his food, finishes another bite, cheeks red.]
[It's a silly warning, Dazai thinks, because he can say what he wants, but feelings are feelings: they're illogical by definition, and there's not much in the way of "could" or "should" about them. (Well... Dazai thinks that, but it's not like he wouldn't break that particular rule himself. So maybe Chuuya has a point with his warning.)
Dazai is still not prepared for Chuuya's reply, somehow. "Safe" is the very opposite of at least 99% of what Dazai does - and that is 100% deliberate. Dazai has rarely if ever been good or even nice to anyone around him for any length of time, and that's fine; that's saving him a lot of energy every single day, and clearly costing him nothing when other ways of getting people to do things tend to be more effective. So how, on God's green earth (or in the devil's deepest pits, as the case may be), could anyone - even someone as frequently illogical as Chuuya - see him as -]
... Safe..?
[He's really not mocking, for once. He's just trying to make sense of this, and frankly having an unusually hard time doing so.]
[Chuuya hesitates. He'd known Dazai would be confused by it (and honestly, should probably be smug that Dazai can't even pretend not to be confused by it yet), but that doesn't mean he knows how to explain it better. So he'll pretend he's giving Dazai a moment to think it over.
He's nearly finished his food, so he won't be able to use it as an excuse for much longer.]
I don't mean safe from attacks, or anything like that. It's not like I'm expecting you to always predict any danger. [a shrug.] It can happen at any time, but it's not something I worry about anyway.
[Why would he? He can defend himself. It's his job to shield other people in those situations, not the other way around.]
And a lot of your plans depend on me not being scared of a little risk. That won't change. Something might go wrong, but that's the kinda life I chose.
[Dazai nearly drowned him, after all. Something could have gone wrong at any point during that plan. And they might have to do something similar or worse in the future. He doesn't mind that. But he's also only explaining what he didn't meant, instead of what he meant, and he's pretty sure that's not really helping at all.]
Anyway. I guess I just meant safe like... now. When those things don't matter.
[Confused, Dazai may be, but not about everything Chuuya doesn't mean by him making Chuuya feel safe. Dazai knew that things like "safety from danger" were never in his not-actual-job description, and he certainly knew that Chuuya understood that as well as anyone - and probably better. Chuuya is pretty hardy, after all: Dazai is wont to use him for that exact reason (and a few others besides, but who's counting?).
It's still confusing what Chuuya does mean, though. It hardly makes sense, but obviously it's the truth as Chuuya experiences it, and so Dazai tries to understand. He does understand, just a little: he understands the lack of pressure and duties, and how that would allow someone with an overactive sense of responsibility like Chuuya's to relax a little. Why it's specifically Dazai making Chuuya feel that way, though... that remains a bit of a mystery.
But maybe that's not so bad, Dazai decides. As long as Chuuya has chosen him - as illogical as that seems - it's really just fine.]
... I see.
[It's all he says in the end, the words not without a certain warmth. Maybe it's partly a lie, but only partly. He sorta-kinda-almost gets it.
So he's clearly not confused, the way Chuuya said he would be! Clearly Dazai has won!!]
[Chuuya would have explained more. Or at least he would have tried to, which doesn't mean he would have been remotely successful. But still, since he did end up making that confession - even if it had been an accident, and he hadn't thought Dazai would hear him - he wouldn't have backed down now.
And he's not really convinced that Dazai does understand. But then, maybe he understands enough. Talking about it these things can be exhausting, and Chuuya still doesn't feel up to his usual levels of energy. So he finishes his food, sets the takeout box on the table, and leans back against Dazai's side. He's quiet for a moment.]
It's been like that almost since the beginning.
[It's also been a lot more complicated than just that, for several reasons. For a while it was almost too complicated. But that doesn't make it less true, really. Painful, sure, but still true. Chuuya tilts his head to look up at Dazai finally.]
You're still a dick, though.
[Because listen, neither of them can handle things getting too serious for too long.]
[Almost since the beginning, huh... Dazai can't deny he's felt something about Chuuya almost since the beginning, himself, but he's never tried to define it. He's never wanted to bother to define it, but also, he's just never seen the point. Analyzing things may be useful in some cases, but not when it comes to himself, surely? And definitely not when it comes to feelings. When has that ever changed anything, when feelings don't change the facts? Besides, if feelings are a tool he can use in others, why would he admit to having any noteworthy feelings of his own, even to himself?
And here he is, clearly without any undue feelings, so it's fine. He's just comfortable like this, shifting a little to more comfortably let Chuuya lean against him, putting an arm around Chuuya without even thinking about it. Feelings or not... this is really nice. It just seems... uncomplicated? They know each other. They match each other.
And they both think the other is a dick, clearly.]
You're the one in love with this dick, Chuuya!
[Does he mean himself? Does he mean his actual dick?! Clearly he means both! But not specifying makes it a lot less awkward to talk about, doesn't it?]
[Chuuya turns instantly red at that statement. He doesn't remember saying anything about love! It's not like he hasn't thought it, wondered if that's what it is, but somehow it feels weirdly... presumptuous to apply that word to his own feelings. Like he's trying to claim something he has no right to. It would be both naive and selfish.
He'd be the first person to admit he doesn't know the first thing about love. He never belonged to that world.
And yet Dazai is --
-- Talking about his actual dick, he realizes, belatedly.]
[Chuuya doesn't have to say the L word, either! His reaction says more than enough - and while that should really be freaking Dazai out if anything, he's rather enjoying it. Something about the circumstances, or the fact that it's been just the two of them here for a while, simply allows that. Maybe Dazai is feeling somewhat safe, himself!
But there's no point in thinking about that, clearly.]
Oh? Then how are you still pretending to have refined, expensive taste?
[It's gonna take Chuuya a while to recover from Dazai's use of that word. He still feels too flustered, pulse beating a little too fast, reminded that he's never found a better word to describe his feelings either. But he has to let that go for now.]
Considering all the money I've spent replacing my car or letting you use my credit card, you're definitely expensive.
[Refined? Probably not. Though he's never found anyone better, or even anyone who compares.]
Obviously it's just an exception. I still have better taste than you.
[Putting it that way, Dazai is indeed expensive! He graciously concurs. And silently applauds Chuuya for this rare case of solid reasoning, but he chooses not to be too emphatic about that part, also because there is still some minor arguing to be done.]
Name one person.
[This wasn't intended as a trick question, but the moment it leaves Dazai's lips, it kind of is.]
One person you've been interested in that shows better taste.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It's just a small sound of acknowledgement, because Dazai believes that, too: he doesn't expect Chuuya to let anyone else see him like this. And that's as it should be. In some ways, Dazai believes that it would be better for Chuuya to have more real connections with people; that Chuuya would benefit from letting his guard down around people other than Dazai, as well. But Chuuya has never been that way inclined, and Dazai frankly likes that. Even if their connection is special, that doesn't mean that Dazai wants to share Chuuya with the world that badly.]
... Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't take off your clothes altogether.
[No he's not, that's just a joke in extremely bad taste. But it wouldn't be so bad to lighten the mood a little, and hopefully get Chuuya to relax a little more. For that matter: even if Chuuya gets angry, that wouldn't be unwelcome either! There are no bad outcomes here, Dazai thinks.]
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I like making you work for it sometimes.
[That, and Dazai gives him about a two second warning to change or get undressed, since he almost never lets Chuuya know he's coming and just breaks in. Other people ring the doorbell. Not that Chuuya would want Dazai to, when he likes how often he's been coming over. It's probably better not to think about how that makes all of this sound like something established.
It's just how it works for them. That's all it is.]
Maybe next time I'll put on extra layers instead.
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Remind me to set fire to your wardrobe.
[Nah, he probably won't do that, especially now that he's announced it. But if Chuuya is going to come up with ridiculous measures, then Dazai can come up with ridiculous counter-measures. That's just how life goes.
And, while Dazai won't say it, he's rather glad to hear Chuuya's amused huff. Dazai may be a genius, but that doesn't mean he has a magically accurate insight into every other person's psyche, as much as he likes to pretend otherwise. But if Chuuya can still be amused, then things will be okay sooner or later. And that is a relief.]
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You'd end up burning clothes you like making me wear.
[So he's not worried - wait, no, Dazai would take those clothes out, and force him to wear nothing else. So he's worried. Except that he has no intention of wearing extra clothes when Dazai wants him naked, and they both know it.]
You're just trying to trick me into agreeing to let you decide what I wear when you feel like it.
[Nudity was really never the concern here.]
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[Somehow the question is halfway rhetorical and halfway emotional blackmail. They both know that Dazai has ways to make things work out the way he wants them to. Chuuya could try to stop him, but Dazai would know and take counter-measures, and -... Well, wouldn't be easier if they both saved themselves the trouble? It's not like Dazai asks too much of Chuuya.
... Not usually, anyway...
His petting of Chuuya's hair slows down a little, though he doesn't stop; he half intended to stop, but he finds himself enjoying it, and so he keeps going.]
Is there anything else you need?
[It feels like a strangely broad question, and one that somehow exposes Dazai as much as it does Chuuya. But, since Chuuya seems to have calmed down some, it needs to be asked. A little water and chocolate is a good start, but... just in case.]
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Not really. At least if you keep petting me.
[With Dazai still petting his hair, it's difficult to care about anything else enough to lie. Sure, he might object at times when Dazai brings out something new, but it's usually just for the sake of it, and he gives in quickly enough. There's only a few exceptions, like the dog ears and tail, but even that doesn't count anymore.
Well, there's the maid outfit, but that's also because Dazai would want him to play the part as well. And the humiliation of serving Dazai, curtsying for him, calling him Master... Okay, it's a turn on, but he has other objections as well!
He shoves that thought aside before he accidentally does get hard. The next question isn't really any easier, not just because he's bad at considering his own needs like that, and feels bad about asking for it, but because he honestly doesn't know. He doesn't want to ask for something that turns out not to help, either.
Well, he should probably eat, shouldn't he?]
I could order us some food - [wait, his phone is in another room] - Or you could. And we could nap until then.
[He almost never naps, and definitely doesn't suggest it for the two of them. But Dazai likes naps, and Chuuya just wants to curl up close.]
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Mhm, sounds like a plan.
[Taking out his phone, Dazai manages to put in an order for some halfway decent food using only his free hand, still slowly petting Chuuya. He will absolutely pretend to nap - and he will absolutely not wake Chuuya up when the food arrives. (There was definitely a note with his food order to please not ring the doorbell because of sleeping pets.) Dazai will just eat his own share, and the rest will be there for Chuuya when he wakes up.
... Of course, by that time, Dazai may just be having a nap of his own, since apparently he's not allowed to leave. (He doesn't really mind that.)]
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He is now, though. Chuuya kind of wants to get a picture of it, except... his phone is still not on him, and he doesn't want to move away. He could steal Dazai's phone to take it, and then just send it to himself, but he's pretty sure he'd wake Dazai up if he tried.
So instead he reaches for the food, trying to stay quiet, and to avoid moving too much. He's hungrier than he'd realized, too, but even so, he keeps glancing at Dazai while he eats. He wants to brush his hair back out of his face, but that would definitely wake him, too.
Why is he doing all this for Chuuya?]
And you'd still be confused by how you make me feel...
[He keeps his voice low, barely a whisper. He probably shouldn't say it at all, but he can't hold these things in forever, and right now he's feeling it so much it's overwhelming.
That bastard stayed. Chuuya shoves more food in his mouth, like that will distract him.]
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He also absolutely wakes up mere seconds after Chuuya, because of course he does. Pretending like he's still asleep isn't even on purpose, at first... He's just nice and relaxed, lying there over the couch. As long as there's no reason to, why would he bother opening his eyes, and all that other stuff? Chuuya doesn't seem to be in trouble or anything, so let him eat.
... And let him say weird things, apparently.]
How I make you feel?
[He says it first, and only then cracks open an eye. His timing, right when Chuuya is stuffing his face, is not deliberate, but still excellent.]
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At least he manages to turn away from Dazai again as he coughs so hard his eyes start to water.
Give him a second. Or a minute.]
You --
[He clears his throat again. Looks around for a napkin.]
You were dreaming!
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There's not enough of a thought to help Chuuya find a napkin, though, because Dazai doesn't really care, himself. Besides, it's Chuuya's place! Chuuya knows best where to find things. (Dazai just has a pretty good idea, too.)]
That's strange! I don't normally hear chibis barking in my dreams.
[You kinda had that coming, Chuuya. At least Dazai isn't overly intent on being a dick about anything; he's just curious.]
How do I make you feel?
[He should have probably asked that before being kind of a dick. But then, he did! It's not his fault that Chuuya didn't answer him properly.]
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You were sleeping.
[He knows he's not convincing Dazai, but he hadn't expected to be overheard, and he's definitely not prepared to explain. He knows he shouldn't be surprised that Dazai was, apparently, awake, and yet he somehow always is.
He grabs his food again, and then, since Dazai's hand is on his back anyway, it feels natural to lean back and against Dazai's side before picking up his chopsticks so he can have some more. He looks like he'd really prefer to hide his face at the moment, keeping his head turned firmly downwards.]
I didn't say anything. You were imagining things.
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[Really, he can't be blamed for when he woke up - or didn't wake up. These things are out of one's control, don't you know!?
Dazai settles back with Chuuya leaning against him, the position surprisingly comfortable in spite of the clear awkwardness of the topic on Chuuya's part. Chuuya can hide his face all he wants; Dazai knows what it looks like. Besides, a fancy place like Chuuya's has a lot of reflective surfaces that can help Dazai get a good view.... but for now he's not going to point that out.]
So I was just imagining a confession you were about to give me? [He gives a dramatic sigh for good measure.] Too bad, too bad...
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He eats another bite.]
And now you're jumping to conclusions.
[Another bite. The worst part is that it's not even a bad thing. Chuuya just has no idea how to talk about feelings, and isn't sure too many feelings won't come out all at once, like opening the lid of a pressurized container.]
Why can't you just be asleep when you look like you're sleeping?
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[... Dazai wasn't even deliberately faking it, but he's still going to throw that possibility out there, because???? Well, it makes about as much sense as anything, probably. Chuuya is already determined to make this deliberate on his part; may as well poke at Chuuya in return and see if he accidentally says something honest again.
And maybe there's also some small amount of self-sabotage involved, but that's clearly a mere side effect.]
If you don't want me to jump to conclusions, all you have to do is say what you meant to say?
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Are there even words to explain what he meant? There's definitely no words for that strange warmth he feels, knowing Dazai came back, stayed, wanted to know exactly what Chuuya needs and is going out of his way when he never had to. There's no words to describe how that heat builds like a pressure in his chest, more than he can contain, like it might twist him inside out, like the opposite of gravity. And it's not even painful at all. It's good. He needs it. It feels selfish and all his.
It's too much even if he could explain it. But Dazai makes him feel a lot of different things, and there's a different one that was filling him earlier as well.]
You can't tell me I shouldn't feel that way.
[Another look, this one a slight warning. But he's not going to look at Dazai as he says it, so he goes back to his food, finishes another bite, cheeks red.]
-- Safe.
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Dazai is still not prepared for Chuuya's reply, somehow. "Safe" is the very opposite of at least 99% of what Dazai does - and that is 100% deliberate. Dazai has rarely if ever been good or even nice to anyone around him for any length of time, and that's fine; that's saving him a lot of energy every single day, and clearly costing him nothing when other ways of getting people to do things tend to be more effective. So how, on God's green earth (or in the devil's deepest pits, as the case may be), could anyone - even someone as frequently illogical as Chuuya - see him as -]
... Safe..?
[He's really not mocking, for once. He's just trying to make sense of this, and frankly having an unusually hard time doing so.]
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He's nearly finished his food, so he won't be able to use it as an excuse for much longer.]
I don't mean safe from attacks, or anything like that. It's not like I'm expecting you to always predict any danger. [a shrug.] It can happen at any time, but it's not something I worry about anyway.
[Why would he? He can defend himself. It's his job to shield other people in those situations, not the other way around.]
And a lot of your plans depend on me not being scared of a little risk. That won't change. Something might go wrong, but that's the kinda life I chose.
[Dazai nearly drowned him, after all. Something could have gone wrong at any point during that plan. And they might have to do something similar or worse in the future. He doesn't mind that. But he's also only explaining what he didn't meant, instead of what he meant, and he's pretty sure that's not really helping at all.]
Anyway. I guess I just meant safe like... now. When those things don't matter.
[Obviously.]
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It's still confusing what Chuuya does mean, though. It hardly makes sense, but obviously it's the truth as Chuuya experiences it, and so Dazai tries to understand. He does understand, just a little: he understands the lack of pressure and duties, and how that would allow someone with an overactive sense of responsibility like Chuuya's to relax a little. Why it's specifically Dazai making Chuuya feel that way, though... that remains a bit of a mystery.
But maybe that's not so bad, Dazai decides. As long as Chuuya has chosen him - as illogical as that seems - it's really just fine.]
... I see.
[It's all he says in the end, the words not without a certain warmth. Maybe it's partly a lie, but only partly. He sorta-kinda-almost gets it.
So he's clearly not confused, the way Chuuya said he would be! Clearly Dazai has won!!]
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And he's not really convinced that Dazai does understand. But then, maybe he understands enough. Talking about it these things can be exhausting, and Chuuya still doesn't feel up to his usual levels of energy. So he finishes his food, sets the takeout box on the table, and leans back against Dazai's side. He's quiet for a moment.]
It's been like that almost since the beginning.
[It's also been a lot more complicated than just that, for several reasons. For a while it was almost too complicated. But that doesn't make it less true, really. Painful, sure, but still true. Chuuya tilts his head to look up at Dazai finally.]
You're still a dick, though.
[Because listen, neither of them can handle things getting too serious for too long.]
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And here he is, clearly without any undue feelings, so it's fine. He's just comfortable like this, shifting a little to more comfortably let Chuuya lean against him, putting an arm around Chuuya without even thinking about it. Feelings or not... this is really nice. It just seems... uncomplicated? They know each other. They match each other.
And they both think the other is a dick, clearly.]
You're the one in love with this dick, Chuuya!
[Does he mean himself? Does he mean his actual dick?! Clearly he means both! But not specifying makes it a lot less awkward to talk about, doesn't it?]
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[Chuuya turns instantly red at that statement. He doesn't remember saying anything about love! It's not like he hasn't thought it, wondered if that's what it is, but somehow it feels weirdly... presumptuous to apply that word to his own feelings. Like he's trying to claim something he has no right to. It would be both naive and selfish.
He'd be the first person to admit he doesn't know the first thing about love. He never belonged to that world.
And yet Dazai is --
-- Talking about his actual dick, he realizes, belatedly.]
It's not even that good!
[There. Saved. That's totally believable.]
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But there's no point in thinking about that, clearly.]
Oh? Then how are you still pretending to have refined, expensive taste?
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Considering all the money I've spent replacing my car or letting you use my credit card, you're definitely expensive.
[Refined? Probably not. Though he's never found anyone better, or even anyone who compares.]
Obviously it's just an exception. I still have better taste than you.
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Name one person.
[This wasn't intended as a trick question, but the moment it leaves Dazai's lips, it kind of is.]
One person you've been interested in that shows better taste.
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