indensity | so smoke 'em if you got 'em 'cause it's going down

Is that why you held it off for so long?

[It's not quite a serious question, but it's also not not a serious question. He knows you were hella into it, Chuuya! And, in that case, the idea that Dazai might get bored of your puppy self was clearly the only reason why you would put off being your dog self for so long.

Or not, but it's an entertaining line of reasoning. For the moment.]

Chocolate is really bad for dogs, though? [Seriously, what kind of irresponsible owner do you think Dazai is? (... Actually, don't answer that.)

Dazai says that, but almost immediately drops the line of reasoning again, because now he has an other idea.] If you want a treat, clearly you should sit up nicely and ask for it.

[He doesn't really care if Chuuya is feeling that or not; it's worth the joke regardless.]

No, that's not really why.

[Because he hadn't actually known he'd like it that much, because he'd refused to let himself consider it. He won't mind explaining it more, if Dazai is really curious, though for now the chocolate is distracting him away from the topic. That, and Dazai's order.

He can tell Dazai's not really that serious about making Chuuya behave for him. And Chuuya hasn't really been feeling that hungry, even if he knows he should eat, at least a little. But now he does want it. If he's fast enough, he could probably lean up and steal a bite before Dazai has a chance to stop him, especially since Dazai won't have the advantage of height. But Chuuya is still feeling off, vulnerable, needy, and the idea of disappointing Dazai now makes him feel worse. He knows Dazai won't really care, but still.

At the same time, he doesn't want to sit up straight, either, now that he's finally leaning against him. But that feels kind of silly. Chuuya has never liked feeling needy, and he really prefers ignoring that side of himself.

(The fact that it doesn't even occur to him that he should tell Dazai to stop being a dick says a lot about how jumbled he's feeling, when that would normally be his default reaction. But Dazai had made Chuuya want to please him last night, and that's another thing he hasn't fully been able to shake yet.)

He sits up a little straighter, so he can meet Dazai's eyes, but does his best to stay close.]

Please?

[Dazai has usually had to drag that word out of him, when he's wanted Chuuya to beg.]

[Well, that was easy! Dazai is a little surprised, but not unpleasantly so. He should probably be a bit concerned, really, with Chuuya doing what Dazai told him to so easily, but Dazai is pretty sure that Chuuya is mostly fine, and it's kind of nice to have him so obedient, even if it's just because he's feeling unwell. (Listen, Dazai never claimed to be a good person!)

He grabs a piece of chocolate, but instead of giving it to Chuuya, he holds it up - not out of reach or anything so exaggerated, but definitely higher than if he was just planning to put it in Chuuya's hand.]

Open wide~

[Chuuya feels a little bit like he could just slip back under, allow Dazai to take back control, and allow himself to feel that comfortable buzz from last night. It probably isn't a good idea, considering he's been trying to pull himself back together, but at least he would stop feeling this awful. Probably, at least. He's not really sure if Dazai is taking it seriously this time, so he might just end up feeling worse.

He looks up at the chocolate, and opens his mouth for Dazai. It's just a treat for now, so it's fine.]

Aaaaan~

[Dazai says it as he slowly puts the piece of chocolate into Chuuya's mouth - as if Chuuya didn't already have his mouth open; as if Chuuya was going to change his mind. Dazai, meanwhile, puts the chocolate on Chuuya's tongue, holding it there for a split second before withdrawing his hand, and resuming his own business.

He's definitely not super serious about starting another scene or anything, but he's here, paying attention to Chuuya, and sorta-kinda-almost taking care of Chuuya in his own way. It's a start.]

[Chuuya wouldn't change his mind, no. He doesn't even attempt to bite that finger when Dazai presses that chocolate to his tongue, just flicks his tongue out to lick the digit clean for him. And then the second Dazai pulls back, he drops back against his side, settling against him. The chocolate is melting against his tongue.

It really does taste incredibly good.]

You don't mind this?

[That Chuuya is being lazy. That Dazai has to take charge again. He has to make sure before he can allow himself to fully relax, even if they already know Chuuya isn't capable of pulling himself together..]

This?

[Dazai isn't sure exactly what Chuuya is referring to. Oh, he can make a fair guess, but it would be nothing more than that - and maybe part of him wants Chuuya to come out and say things, when communication between them on this particular topic has apparently been unusually Not Great.

But even Dazai feels like he's overstepping some boundaries by asking that question, the moment that the word leaves his mouth. So he continues, making it rhetorical.]

Well, I suppose I should be mad about sharing this excellent chocolate with a dog, but that's just the way of things.

[It's not even your fucking chocolate, Dazai. Shut up.

In his defense, he's definitely being deliberately obtuse.]

[Chuuya isn't surprised that he received a question in return instead of an answer. Maybe he should be, when they're usually so effortlessly on the same page where it counts, but these situations have always been the exception, haven't they? To find the same page, you first have to know which page you're starting out on, and Chuuya feels like he's going in blind. He's always preferred not to know these things about himself.

And admitting to any of it out loud is humiliating.]

I can buy more chocolate.

[Not even gonna point out that it's his chocolate in the first place, or object to being called a dog.]

My emotions or hangovers are not really your responsibility. [A light shrug.] I know you don't need to be told that, not like I could force your hand here, but --

[But Chuuya isn't very good at letting go of the guilt of being lazy. And more importantly:]

It would be so easy to let go right now. Not sure I can help it if you keep treating me like that. [Because he really really needs it.] So it's a heads up. If you're gonna continue.

[Nothing is ever Dazai's responsibility; on that, he would happily agree. But the fact remains that he's here now, so the situation is his to deal with, whether he likes it or not.

Of course how he deals with it is his choice.]

You really do want a hair of the dog after all... [Dazai isn't sure what he thinks about that. Chuuya is truly so hopeless with these things - but in Chuuya and Chuuya alone that has always (... well, almost always) been oddly charming, instead of annoying.] If you're hoping to get better from that particular remedy, you really shouldn't take as much as the night before.

[Probably. He's just going with the hangover comparison, still, because honestly? It feels pretty accurate so far!

Regardless, it's not a no. He'll hold out another piece of chocolate.]

[It's not a no, but it's not a yes, either. Chuuya will do his best to hold it together a little longer, but he's not sure he can actually manage. Maybe he just needs a break from having to always try.

He leans forward to take the chocolate in his mouth gratefully. Like last time, he makes sure to lick Dazai's fingertips clean.]

Don't care if we do anything at all. [They can. He'd be into it. He's not horny yet, though.] Maybe it's a bad idea. I just want to --

[He lets out a slightly deflated sigh, before letting his words spill out with it.]

-- You make me want to let go and stop worrying. Even if all you do is feed me chocolate. That sounds... stupid. Shit. Shit. Just tell me to stop worrying. That's it. That you don't need anything more from me than what you tell me. [Dazai would say he doesn't need anything at all, he knows. Chuuya isn't supposed to need anything either.] It gets in my head sometimes, after we're done. That I shouldn't want those things. I have too many responsibilities for that.

[And this is why Chuuya, in Dazai's not-so-humble opinion, is rather silly (not that Dazai is one to talk). It's not just for the taking on of all those responsibilities (though that also rates up there), but for that line of reasoning that makes no sense whatsoever.]

It's the opposite, isn't it? [Does Chuuya really not see it?] It's because you have too many responsibilities that you do need those things.

[It may not be Dazai's own preference, but he can see how that would make sense. Wanting what you don't have, in some form or other, is certainly an inherent part of the human experience. There's no grand logic to it, but there's no shame in it either.

He lets out a long, soft sigh, but it's not at Chuuya. Serious topics are always unpleasant. That's not for any of the details of them, and it certainly isn't unique to this case here. But serious topics - actual, serious topics - have not a single shred of fun to them. So, by their very definition, can't they only make life worse?

Well, it seems like things are already "worse" at the moment, anyway. Dazai's hand lands on Chuuya's head, gently stroking his hair.]

I don't need anything from you, Chuuya. [Yup, saw that coming. But is that really such a bad thing?] You existing is enough.

[He really doesn't see it. He can't allow himself to see it, because if he did - if he admitted to himself that he needs more than he allows himself to have - then he wouldn't be able to go back. Convincing himself that the knowledge of a job well done is all he needs is what has allowed him to keep going for so long. He's always insisted that Dazai's occasional praise of good boy was purely humiliating.

(And when things were more complicated between them, it really was just that, but maybe not for the reasons Chuuya thought.)

It's definitely an unpleasant topic. But something has cracked inside Chuuya, and he can try to duct tape it back together and ignore it, or he can admit that maybe it wasn't as solid as he thought. And Dazai keeps insisting that it never needed to be. Chuuya leans into Dazai's hand, because that simple touch feels impossibly good at the moment.]

Okay. [He's not sure he believes everything Dazai is saying, but he trusts that Dazai means it, and maybe that's enough for now.] I want that.

[Just existing together. He kept calling himself weak, but maybe it's because he doesn't want to be strong.]

You're always telling me a dog should listen to its owner.

[Dazai may not know all the variables of Chuuya's mood and thoughts at the moment, but he's doing the best he can, with one considerable condition: he's not going to lie. Would that make it easier? Probably! It usually does. But there are many occasions for lying, and there are a rare few times where lying is not acceptable. This is definitely the latter. He's not going to tell Chuuya something specific, just because he thinks that it's what Chuuya wants to hear. Maybe that's not what Chuuya needs, but Dazai has his own brand of honesty, and his own lines he won't cross. He does, indeed, mean what he says, and when it comes to Dazai, that is a rare enough occasion.

It's still kind of uncomfortable to be so serious, though - at least for too long. And so he gives it up as soon as he thinks he reasonably can, but gently.]

Ahhhh, now you're going to listen to me?! [Silly puppy. Dazai gives Chuuya's head a little push towards his lap, softly encouraging.] Lie down.

[They can just spend some time with Chuuya in his lap, Dazai softly stroking his hair. That silly chibi does need some rest.]

[That is definitely a yes, clear permission from Dazai to just let go. Chuuya has been waiting for it, and it's almost funny how immediate his physical reaction is, tension draining from his body as though he really had been forcibly holding it all together. He still has his coffee, be barely drank half of it, but that doesn't seem important anymore. He leans forward to set it on the table.

And then he lets Dazai guide him down until he's resting with his head on his thigh.]

Don't wanna be too predictable, so I have to change it up sometimes.

[A small joke, because he's not a big fan of serious conversations either. But for once they actually managed to get through one without either of them losing (too much) patience, and without them giving up and one of them leaving.]

But I listened last night, too.

So you did.

[Dazai can admit to that easily enough. He's still not really sure what is best for Chuuya right now, but a little attention can't hurt, and some rest is almost certainly necessary to get him feel better, too. For now, Dazai is quite content to lightly run his fingers through Chuuya's hair, and while it's ostensibly to soothe Chuuya... it's just nice to do, too.

Honestly, it's kind of nice to do these things outside of sex too, it seems! How strange... but then, Chuuya's attitude is the most important thing.]

You did very well.

[It definitely feels different, doing this outside of sex, and without any of the excuses they've always hid behind, ever since they were teenagers. They've squabbled and then just stayed where they ended up, or they were drunk, or they were too tired, or they had some other reason for why it didn't count. But right now Dazai is just petting him to make him feel good.

And Chuuya is letting Dazai take charge. Dazai would have had to win a bet to make him do that outside of sex, in the past, even though they're not doing anything kinky, just relaxing.

And the praise still feels good. Not humiliating at all. It's hard not to feel guilty about all of this when Chuuya isn't doing anything for Dazai to make up for it, but Dazai made his own decision, and Chuuya isn't forcing him to stay. Doesn't that mean he's enjoying this, too?]

I liked it.

[Maybe he'll regret admitting that later. Maybe he won't.]

[Dazai has to chuckle at that a little, because no, really?!]

I could tell~!

[Silly, silly Chuuya... An admission is hardly going to make a difference at this point. But Dazai kind of likes it anyway. In a way, isn't that praise in return?

Part of him wants to point out yet again how absurd it is for Chuuya to feel bad for what he likes, sexually or otherwise - because it really is just that absurd. But clearly this isn't the time, and so Dazai will graciously give Chuuya a break from his impeccable logic.]

... If you like it, then just enjoy it.

[What they were doing yesterday; what they are doing now, too. Dazai gently massages Chuuya's head with one hand, the other resting lightly further down Chuuya's body. Dazai's not even doing anything worth mentioning, and yet he is thoroughly enjoying owning Chuuya this way - arguably more intensely than he ever has before.

It's really weird. But he doesn't dislike it.]

[Chuuya can feel his cheeks heating up a bit at that chuckle.]

I know you could.

[Dazai knows him better than anyone, after all. Sometimes he knows what Chuuya likes better than Chuuya does, so there was no way he would have been able to hide it from the start. But there's something comforting in that, something safe, and maybe the reminder of it is something that he needs. Besides, he knows Dazai isn't judging him for what he likes. He might like teasing Chuuya, and he'll definitely use his humiliation kink against him when they play, but he isn't judging. Chuuya knows, because he knows Dazai better than anyone, too.

So it was a compliment. It was also another sign of his submission and his trust. Dazai might know the truth, but Chuuya still usually denies it (and he will deny it again later, but that's a different sort of game they play).]

Always thought making it too easy might get boring.

[But he'd been wrong about that, apparently.]

It should, shouldn't it?

[It absolutely and definitely should be boring - yet it's always been fairly easy, and Dazai has never been bored. He's a bit surprised about that himself, to be honest! The movement of his fingers on Chuuya's head slows a bit, thoughtful.

But, really, what applies to Chuuya should apply to Dazai too: if he likes it, he should just enjoy it. It's been literal years, so the odds of him getting bored at this point are absolutely negligible.]

It's different when it's Chuuya.

[That's as good an explanation as he's got - but why shouldn't it be enough?]

[Chuuya is too surprised by that to even say anything for a second. Surprised and then embarrassingly happy, just from that simple statement. Dazai wants him. Considering how often Dazai is in his apartment and in his bed, that should be obvious, but hearing it is still different.

He's smiling now. He can't help it.]

Never wanted this with anyone other than Dazai.

[Dazai might claim that it's always been easy, but he's earned this. Building trust was never something that came naturally to either of them.]

[Trust may not ever have come naturally, but it's always been there between them, hasn't it? No matter how often they've antagonized each other, there have always been lines that they would never cross. (All right, Dazai definitely pushed that trust a lot more than Chuuya did. But nevermind that! It's the principle of the thing!!)

No... Maybe it's the other way around, actually. Maybe it's because they've never pretended, never did worse or better to each other than they needed to, that it somehow became easier to trust each other. The world is full of bullshit and betrayal, after all. It's refreshing to not have to pretend too much.

Even if that ended up accidentally leading to another kind of pretending. Oh well, they're here now.]

Good.

[That's all he can say to that, really. It's just as well that Chuuya has things that are only for Dazai. The rest of the world fares the better for it.]

[It makes more sense to Chuuya, the other way around. He's met enough people who wouldn't cross those lines, but that doesn't mean he trusts them. Because it doesn't mean anything when they don't. To them, Chuuya is irrelevant, not part of the equation at all, so why would he offer them something important in return?

But the two of them figured out where that line should be, and they both decided - even if they never actually talked about it - that it was important because it was theirs. Even when it was at the most painful.

Or maybe because it was often so painful, and they needed something to hold on to.]

You knew that.

[Or maybe that was one thing Dazai actually needed to have confirmed. That's not a bad thought, either, actually. Besides, hearing that possessive tone makes him feel good.]

I know when it's good weather too, but sometimes it's still nice to comment on it?

[Logic, he has it. Still gently petting Chuuya's hair, because that is really quite a nice thing to keep his hands busy he's found, he belatedly thinks of arguably an even better comparison.]

Look - Chuuya always looks good, but you still enjoy when I say so.

[The logic is just getting more and more flawless here.]

[The petting is definitely nice. Chuuya could fall asleep like that, he thinks, but he doesn't want to yet. Especially not when Dazai is complimenting him.]

Yeah, you should say it more often.

[The logic works for him. And Dazai does tell him he looks good sometimes, while Chuuya has rarely admitted how much he wants Dazai - or that he really only wants Dazai - so that makes saying it now all the more important.]

Wait. Did you know? You couldn't know what I was up to for those four years you were hiding in some hole.

Couldn't I?

[Weeeeeeell... maybe not completely. He certainly didn't keep tabs on Chuuya nearly as much as he had felt inclined to. Choices were made, priorities were set, etc. And, okay, maybe it was just easier to convince himself he was letting go, only dabbling with the tiniest bit of tabs-keeping under the guise of amusement. If that wasn't the whole truth... it was not a lie, either.

More importantly:]

Chuuya is beautiful, even now. Especially now!

[Okay, maybe he's laying it on a little thick. But he's not lying!]

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