indensity | so smoke 'em if you got 'em 'cause it's going down

Bad luck can happen to strong people too, you know. [So no, Chuuya can't necessarily "handle it". That's not a weakness, and neither is Dazai trying to mock Chuuya, nor is he being a dick for the sake of it. He's just being realistic, and he's dead serious.] Nobody can be strong all day every day. Realizing that is a form of strength, too.

[Maybe Dazai is forcing it a little, but sometimes he gets really tired of Chuuya and his determination to always be strong enough for the whole entire world to lean on him. That doesn't help anybody, least of all Chuuya himself. The more you let people lean on you, the more they will lean on you when they don't really need to, too.

Maybe Chuuya being so annoyingly determined to be strong is part of why Dazai enjoys making him the opposite, really - as if that will teach Chuuya some kind of valuable life lesson. But then, maybe Dazai is just a pervert, too.

While Dazai is running through a dozen or so scenarios with possible solutions - not very effective if you don't know what the actual problem is - he listens to Chuuya, who honestly isn't saying all that much in spite of all the words he's throwing out there. But Dazai has an eye for details.]

Sooooo... You're saying you do want me to pretend like I give a shit?

[YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE SKIPPED THE "PRETEND", DAZAI!!]

[And maybe that's why Chuuya wants it so much, too. Because most of the time he can't afford to be weak. People have always expected him to handle it all, to carry the burden of strength so that they don't have to, be their trump card. Few people have allowed him to be anything less. But Dazai gives him permission to be weak, and then praises him for it. Maybe that's why he's so willing to let Dazai wreck him.

Or maybe they're both just perverts.

But Dazai is giving him permission now as well, isn't he? That much of Dazai's message makes it through the fog that's taken over his brain, and it helps, a little. Enough that his immediate response to Dazai's statement is an annoyed tch, and a small glare.

Not quite up to his usual annoyance, but a little bit closer to normal.]

I don't want anyone to pretend anything.

[But he can also tell Dazai's being a dick for the sake of it, so he's not taking him too seriously.]

If you want to leave, I'm never going to stop you.

Chuuya... [Dazai drags the name out in an annoyed (and annoying) sing-song voice, because he is trying (sort of, in his own way), but Chuuya isn't making it easy for him.] If there's something that you want, try using your words like a big boy? All evidence to the contrary, I can't actually read minds, you know...

[Well... he almost might as well be able to, with how smart he is, but he still can't, and it's obvious that he has missed something here. He really isn't trying to be mean (... for the most part), but this isn't like fighting enemies, where they know what the other is planning with half a word or less: this is new territory for them, and only if Dazai knows the problem can he do something about it.]

So you want me to stay afterwards? I didn't exactly run out straight after, though.

[But he sure did drop the scene like a hot potato. It hadn't been malevolent at all: he just didn't see the point when things had been finished, as far as he was concerned.]

I don't want anyth --

[His objection is pure reflex, but at least he catches himself before finishing the sentence. He hates this. He really wishes he could just shove all these needs down so far that they stopped existing... Except, he doesn't, really. He wishes he could just allow himself to need this.

He's still awkwardly holding the water glass. He considers setting it down, but he doesn't feel like leaning forwards to reach the table, so he sips it a bit more instead. At least there's less chance of accidentally spilling anything. And at least it buys him a second to gather his thoughts. He's pretty sure Dazai can tell he's working out what to say, but just in case, he makes a quick gesture of shut up for a second.]

I don't actually know much about this either, you know.

[Defensively. And what he wants has never been straightforward, either. The second he tries to think about what he wants, the guilt of what he should want, what he should prioritize, comes flooding in, overwhelming everything. And he gets overwhelmed enough by his own feelings as it is. But Dazai does deserve an explanation right now, which is a clear enough thought for him to hold onto.

He's biting the inside of his cheek as he thinks.]

I don't actually know what would help, Dazai. [It's still defensive, since he knows Dazai is getting frustrated with him.] But... When we do those things, I have to completely let go. Submit, I guess. I have to let my guard down and just allow whatever you want to happen to happen, and trust that it's okay. If I fight you, we can't exactly do anything, right?

And when I manage, it feels... really good. [His tone softens just a bit. There's another pause before he continues, though - he's really struggling to explain this, considering he usually never talks about his feelings at all.] You know that feeling when you're just the right amount of drunk? That perfect buzz. It's a little like that, but way better. And then it just keeps getting better the longer we go. I kind of forget anything but you even exists.

[He's gonna drink some more water, to clear his throat. He's almost finished the glass now, just from reflexively sipping from what's in his hand, and using it to buy time. But the more he talks about this, the more those vulnerable feelings are coming back to the surface, despite all his efforts to force them all away.]

I have to be weak if I'm gonna be your dog or whatever. But then afterwards -- Ugh, it's stupid. But it's not like I can keep letting myself be weak after we're done. I have to pull myself together, and I guess I'm not as good at that as I should be, so it was taking too much time last night.

I know I was acting weird. I was trying to make sure I'd stop feeling so weak -- [ and vulnerable, and raw] -- before you left, and it wasn't working at all.

Shit. Dazai. If I want anything, it's just a way to avoid that. I can't afford to be weak.

[Dazai was, indeed, getting frustrated, but only because Chuuya tends to be pretty straightforward about things, and predictable even when he isn't, but this particular topic feels like it's getting pointlessly dragged out without any progress. That's not something Dazai blames Chuuya for as such. It's just -... Well, he knows it's important, but he doesn't know how much more patience he can summon. And he really does want to take this seriously.

For what it's worth, he can certainly tell when Chuuya is trying to work things out for himself, and he has no intention of interrupting anything at that time, even without Chuuya's impatient gesture.

All this talk of being weak is always laughable, especially when it comes to Chuuya, but that's Dazai's personal opinion, and it's not intended to devalue Chuuya's experience one way or the other. Dazai did, of course, have some basic understanding of what people enjoy in submission; he just doesn't have any personal experience, and so his understanding probably didn't go far enough, when it comes to these specific situations. He listens, and he keeps listening, fitting some puzzle pieces together in his head, and painting new pictures on others. Only when Chuuya seems to have said what he needed to say for the moment does Dazai finally summarize his understanding of it all.]

Sooo... [He drags the sound out almost comically, but his expression is serious. He really is trying to get some genuine understanding here... all evidence to the contrary.] What you're saying is: this is a H-hangover?

[A hangover from sex. That seems like it should be weird, but actually doesn't sound as crazy as it probably should. It is a high, and so it does come with an inevitable crash. It's also a comparison that Dazai is, regrettably, familiar enough with to get some insight.

That doesn't necessarily offer any immediate answers on how Dazai can prevent or fix the problem, but it does give him a much clearer picture of things than he had before. He can do this! He'll figure something out.]

[Saying all that definitely has Chuuya feeling twice as vulnerable again. He'd feel guilty, except Dazai did want to know, and it's not like Chuuya is making any actual demands here. He rubs at his neck, relieved that Dazai seems to finally be starting to understand.]

Of course you had to call it something like that. But yeah, I guess.

[That's probably more accurate than an adrenaline crash, since there wasn't really any adrenaline involved. But it's not like being drunk feels like a high to him, either.]

And it's -- Shit. [He's still thinking about it now. Finally acknowledging some things about it.] It affects my mood pretty bad, too. But there's probably nothing to do about that. Of course it's gonna suck when I finally feel good, and then I have to force myself to stop as fast as I can.

[Obviously nothing to do about that. Chuuya finishes the water, and finally leans forward to set the glass down and get rid of it.]

If it's like a hangover, drinking water makes sense. Still prefer wine or coffee.

[So they're supposed to do things really slowly after sex... Well, Dazai supposes he can live with that. He is naturally lazy, after all. He just didn't think Chuuya could ever have the same inclinations! Of course that's not actually the core truth here, but it's kind of funny to think of it that way regardless. And being funny makes it a lot easier to act accordingly!

There's no way Dazai is giving Chuuya wine at a time like this - Chuuya is too weak to alcohol at the best of times, and this hardly seems like the best of times - but Dazai supposes he can put some effort in. He gets up from the couch, not quite sighing, though there's a distant echo of it in his body language all the same.]

... Coffee, then.

[Fine, silly chibi. He'll make you some coffee! Just sit your ass on that couch and wait.

... He's going to add some sugar and cream, though. If this is remotely like a hangover, Chuuya can probably use it. (And even if it isn't, at least it will mean that Dazai wasn't too nice by getting Chuuya his actual, preferred coffee!)]

[Chuuya hadn't expected Dazai to actually get up to make him some coffee. He'd just really needed something to say that felt less serious, and water or wine was the first thing he'd thought of, since they were both right there. He stares after Dazai, not responding right away, but feeling something inside of himself finally start to settle and relax. He didn't think he could have this.

At least Chuuya's fancy coffee maker makes it easy. With the push of a button it grinds beans, heats water, and makes a great cup, every single time. There's no need for sugar and cream. But he won't complain.]

There's some chocolate in the fridge.

[Should he get up and get it... No, Dazai is clearly making some sort of point here, since he didn't even whine about being the one getting up. Instead Chuuya will reach for the already opened wine on the table, but only so he can grab the cork and - with some help from gravity - push it back in there to seal it back up. It's not ideal, but it's not like it was one of his expensive bottles. He can save it for later.]

Got it~!

[At the rate Dazai is acting a waiter, Chuuya really owes him a tip! It's truly unfair. But Dazai accepts his fate for the moment, returning shortly with a (slightly!) sugar-and-creamed coffee, and the chocolate. The former, he hands to Chuuya. The latter, he should probably give to Chuuya too, but first he chomps down on a piece of it himself, because he might as well pretend to feed himself for five seconds as he drapes himself over the couch again.]

Coffee's good for hangovers too, you know? [He says while munching on the chocolate. It may or may not be bullshit - and, regardless: it doesn't really apply here - but he chooses to believe it.] Chuuya really shouldn't try hair-of-the-dog unless you want to be a cannibal.

[... Wait, did he just talk himself out of getting sex? Oh well, that's not why he came here anyway. Worth it for the bad dog joke.]

[Chuuya takes the coffee gratefully, though he does give Dazai a Look before taking his first sip, because of the added milk and sugar. Not because he really cares, just because Dazai did that on purpose. And for that comment, too. But he's too tired to actually argue, and too relieved that Dazai is actually here.]

Thought you'd get bored of the dog thing after I played along once.

[He tries to pass it off as though that was the only reason he played along, but he's not putting too much effort into being convincing. Because that age old argument between them is less important than moving a little closer, finally giving in to what he'd wanted from the start, and just leaning against Dazai's side. It's weird, because they do this all the time these days, but now that he actually needed it he found it difficult to just let himself have it.

Which makes him realize that there had been something he needed, and he hadn't told Dazai.]

That's really expensive chocolate I bought for myself, you know.

Is that why you held it off for so long?

[It's not quite a serious question, but it's also not not a serious question. He knows you were hella into it, Chuuya! And, in that case, the idea that Dazai might get bored of your puppy self was clearly the only reason why you would put off being your dog self for so long.

Or not, but it's an entertaining line of reasoning. For the moment.]

Chocolate is really bad for dogs, though? [Seriously, what kind of irresponsible owner do you think Dazai is? (... Actually, don't answer that.)

Dazai says that, but almost immediately drops the line of reasoning again, because now he has an other idea.] If you want a treat, clearly you should sit up nicely and ask for it.

[He doesn't really care if Chuuya is feeling that or not; it's worth the joke regardless.]

No, that's not really why.

[Because he hadn't actually known he'd like it that much, because he'd refused to let himself consider it. He won't mind explaining it more, if Dazai is really curious, though for now the chocolate is distracting him away from the topic. That, and Dazai's order.

He can tell Dazai's not really that serious about making Chuuya behave for him. And Chuuya hasn't really been feeling that hungry, even if he knows he should eat, at least a little. But now he does want it. If he's fast enough, he could probably lean up and steal a bite before Dazai has a chance to stop him, especially since Dazai won't have the advantage of height. But Chuuya is still feeling off, vulnerable, needy, and the idea of disappointing Dazai now makes him feel worse. He knows Dazai won't really care, but still.

At the same time, he doesn't want to sit up straight, either, now that he's finally leaning against him. But that feels kind of silly. Chuuya has never liked feeling needy, and he really prefers ignoring that side of himself.

(The fact that it doesn't even occur to him that he should tell Dazai to stop being a dick says a lot about how jumbled he's feeling, when that would normally be his default reaction. But Dazai had made Chuuya want to please him last night, and that's another thing he hasn't fully been able to shake yet.)

He sits up a little straighter, so he can meet Dazai's eyes, but does his best to stay close.]

Please?

[Dazai has usually had to drag that word out of him, when he's wanted Chuuya to beg.]

[Well, that was easy! Dazai is a little surprised, but not unpleasantly so. He should probably be a bit concerned, really, with Chuuya doing what Dazai told him to so easily, but Dazai is pretty sure that Chuuya is mostly fine, and it's kind of nice to have him so obedient, even if it's just because he's feeling unwell. (Listen, Dazai never claimed to be a good person!)

He grabs a piece of chocolate, but instead of giving it to Chuuya, he holds it up - not out of reach or anything so exaggerated, but definitely higher than if he was just planning to put it in Chuuya's hand.]

Open wide~

[Chuuya feels a little bit like he could just slip back under, allow Dazai to take back control, and allow himself to feel that comfortable buzz from last night. It probably isn't a good idea, considering he's been trying to pull himself back together, but at least he would stop feeling this awful. Probably, at least. He's not really sure if Dazai is taking it seriously this time, so he might just end up feeling worse.

He looks up at the chocolate, and opens his mouth for Dazai. It's just a treat for now, so it's fine.]

Aaaaan~

[Dazai says it as he slowly puts the piece of chocolate into Chuuya's mouth - as if Chuuya didn't already have his mouth open; as if Chuuya was going to change his mind. Dazai, meanwhile, puts the chocolate on Chuuya's tongue, holding it there for a split second before withdrawing his hand, and resuming his own business.

He's definitely not super serious about starting another scene or anything, but he's here, paying attention to Chuuya, and sorta-kinda-almost taking care of Chuuya in his own way. It's a start.]

[Chuuya wouldn't change his mind, no. He doesn't even attempt to bite that finger when Dazai presses that chocolate to his tongue, just flicks his tongue out to lick the digit clean for him. And then the second Dazai pulls back, he drops back against his side, settling against him. The chocolate is melting against his tongue.

It really does taste incredibly good.]

You don't mind this?

[That Chuuya is being lazy. That Dazai has to take charge again. He has to make sure before he can allow himself to fully relax, even if they already know Chuuya isn't capable of pulling himself together..]

This?

[Dazai isn't sure exactly what Chuuya is referring to. Oh, he can make a fair guess, but it would be nothing more than that - and maybe part of him wants Chuuya to come out and say things, when communication between them on this particular topic has apparently been unusually Not Great.

But even Dazai feels like he's overstepping some boundaries by asking that question, the moment that the word leaves his mouth. So he continues, making it rhetorical.]

Well, I suppose I should be mad about sharing this excellent chocolate with a dog, but that's just the way of things.

[It's not even your fucking chocolate, Dazai. Shut up.

In his defense, he's definitely being deliberately obtuse.]

[Chuuya isn't surprised that he received a question in return instead of an answer. Maybe he should be, when they're usually so effortlessly on the same page where it counts, but these situations have always been the exception, haven't they? To find the same page, you first have to know which page you're starting out on, and Chuuya feels like he's going in blind. He's always preferred not to know these things about himself.

And admitting to any of it out loud is humiliating.]

I can buy more chocolate.

[Not even gonna point out that it's his chocolate in the first place, or object to being called a dog.]

My emotions or hangovers are not really your responsibility. [A light shrug.] I know you don't need to be told that, not like I could force your hand here, but --

[But Chuuya isn't very good at letting go of the guilt of being lazy. And more importantly:]

It would be so easy to let go right now. Not sure I can help it if you keep treating me like that. [Because he really really needs it.] So it's a heads up. If you're gonna continue.

[Nothing is ever Dazai's responsibility; on that, he would happily agree. But the fact remains that he's here now, so the situation is his to deal with, whether he likes it or not.

Of course how he deals with it is his choice.]

You really do want a hair of the dog after all... [Dazai isn't sure what he thinks about that. Chuuya is truly so hopeless with these things - but in Chuuya and Chuuya alone that has always (... well, almost always) been oddly charming, instead of annoying.] If you're hoping to get better from that particular remedy, you really shouldn't take as much as the night before.

[Probably. He's just going with the hangover comparison, still, because honestly? It feels pretty accurate so far!

Regardless, it's not a no. He'll hold out another piece of chocolate.]

[It's not a no, but it's not a yes, either. Chuuya will do his best to hold it together a little longer, but he's not sure he can actually manage. Maybe he just needs a break from having to always try.

He leans forward to take the chocolate in his mouth gratefully. Like last time, he makes sure to lick Dazai's fingertips clean.]

Don't care if we do anything at all. [They can. He'd be into it. He's not horny yet, though.] Maybe it's a bad idea. I just want to --

[He lets out a slightly deflated sigh, before letting his words spill out with it.]

-- You make me want to let go and stop worrying. Even if all you do is feed me chocolate. That sounds... stupid. Shit. Shit. Just tell me to stop worrying. That's it. That you don't need anything more from me than what you tell me. [Dazai would say he doesn't need anything at all, he knows. Chuuya isn't supposed to need anything either.] It gets in my head sometimes, after we're done. That I shouldn't want those things. I have too many responsibilities for that.

[And this is why Chuuya, in Dazai's not-so-humble opinion, is rather silly (not that Dazai is one to talk). It's not just for the taking on of all those responsibilities (though that also rates up there), but for that line of reasoning that makes no sense whatsoever.]

It's the opposite, isn't it? [Does Chuuya really not see it?] It's because you have too many responsibilities that you do need those things.

[It may not be Dazai's own preference, but he can see how that would make sense. Wanting what you don't have, in some form or other, is certainly an inherent part of the human experience. There's no grand logic to it, but there's no shame in it either.

He lets out a long, soft sigh, but it's not at Chuuya. Serious topics are always unpleasant. That's not for any of the details of them, and it certainly isn't unique to this case here. But serious topics - actual, serious topics - have not a single shred of fun to them. So, by their very definition, can't they only make life worse?

Well, it seems like things are already "worse" at the moment, anyway. Dazai's hand lands on Chuuya's head, gently stroking his hair.]

I don't need anything from you, Chuuya. [Yup, saw that coming. But is that really such a bad thing?] You existing is enough.

[He really doesn't see it. He can't allow himself to see it, because if he did - if he admitted to himself that he needs more than he allows himself to have - then he wouldn't be able to go back. Convincing himself that the knowledge of a job well done is all he needs is what has allowed him to keep going for so long. He's always insisted that Dazai's occasional praise of good boy was purely humiliating.

(And when things were more complicated between them, it really was just that, but maybe not for the reasons Chuuya thought.)

It's definitely an unpleasant topic. But something has cracked inside Chuuya, and he can try to duct tape it back together and ignore it, or he can admit that maybe it wasn't as solid as he thought. And Dazai keeps insisting that it never needed to be. Chuuya leans into Dazai's hand, because that simple touch feels impossibly good at the moment.]

Okay. [He's not sure he believes everything Dazai is saying, but he trusts that Dazai means it, and maybe that's enough for now.] I want that.

[Just existing together. He kept calling himself weak, but maybe it's because he doesn't want to be strong.]

You're always telling me a dog should listen to its owner.

[Dazai may not know all the variables of Chuuya's mood and thoughts at the moment, but he's doing the best he can, with one considerable condition: he's not going to lie. Would that make it easier? Probably! It usually does. But there are many occasions for lying, and there are a rare few times where lying is not acceptable. This is definitely the latter. He's not going to tell Chuuya something specific, just because he thinks that it's what Chuuya wants to hear. Maybe that's not what Chuuya needs, but Dazai has his own brand of honesty, and his own lines he won't cross. He does, indeed, mean what he says, and when it comes to Dazai, that is a rare enough occasion.

It's still kind of uncomfortable to be so serious, though - at least for too long. And so he gives it up as soon as he thinks he reasonably can, but gently.]

Ahhhh, now you're going to listen to me?! [Silly puppy. Dazai gives Chuuya's head a little push towards his lap, softly encouraging.] Lie down.

[They can just spend some time with Chuuya in his lap, Dazai softly stroking his hair. That silly chibi does need some rest.]

[That is definitely a yes, clear permission from Dazai to just let go. Chuuya has been waiting for it, and it's almost funny how immediate his physical reaction is, tension draining from his body as though he really had been forcibly holding it all together. He still has his coffee, be barely drank half of it, but that doesn't seem important anymore. He leans forward to set it on the table.

And then he lets Dazai guide him down until he's resting with his head on his thigh.]

Don't wanna be too predictable, so I have to change it up sometimes.

[A small joke, because he's not a big fan of serious conversations either. But for once they actually managed to get through one without either of them losing (too much) patience, and without them giving up and one of them leaving.]

But I listened last night, too.

So you did.

[Dazai can admit to that easily enough. He's still not really sure what is best for Chuuya right now, but a little attention can't hurt, and some rest is almost certainly necessary to get him feel better, too. For now, Dazai is quite content to lightly run his fingers through Chuuya's hair, and while it's ostensibly to soothe Chuuya... it's just nice to do, too.

Honestly, it's kind of nice to do these things outside of sex too, it seems! How strange... but then, Chuuya's attitude is the most important thing.]

You did very well.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject