indensity | just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

[cw: torture.]

[Chuuya keeps glancing over at Dazai. He can see him through a glass window, some distance away, looking down at him. It's difficult to make out his expression from here. It's difficult to focus on him, but he has to make sure Dazai is still there, that they're not trying to trick him somehow. He can't even tell what's going on with him. If he's okay.

And his attention is drawn away again a split second later. A white hot rod is shoved against his side, burning his skin, making him scream and scream. He'd tried not to, at first. Not because he didn't want to give them the satisfaction - he's been tortured before, he knew it was inevitable - but because Dazai is there, and he doesn't want him to see, doesn't want him to know. But he's far beyond that point now. He has a broken arm, several broken ribs, they've punched him enough, he's bleeding badly in several places, and now they're getting creative. They're having fun. And Chuuya is just taking it, holding himself still for them as they come up with something new. When they pull the rod away again, when he's able to breathe and think, at least for a second, he wonders if they might be stopping his bleeding with this new method. They can cause him pain and keep him alive longer, all with one technique.

He's trying to keep his mind going as a distraction against the pain. It's really not working.

He's on his back on the floor, naked, breathing hard as they allow him a few seconds' break. They probably don't want him passing out, and he's relieved, because he needs to be ready. There are tears of pain in his eyes as he looks up at Dazai again, making sure he's there, and looking for a sign, any sign. He can't act until Dazai lets him know it's time. Dazai will figure something out, he always does, but --

Chuuya really hopes it's soon.

But even if it's not, he'll stay right where he is and take it. Because he can't risk them following through on their threat to kill Dazai if he doesn't cooperate. And there's no way Chuuya would reach him in time to save him from here.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It really is rare for Dazai to admit he fucks up. Normally Chuuya would be using that against him, would be making fun of him for the next few weeks at least, but... Not this time. Not with this.]

I didn't fuck up.

[And Dazai is an idiot if he thinks he did, Chuuya thinks. He stares down at the water, at some debris floating down, trying to pretend his attention isn't completely on Dazai. He sighs.]

If you jump, I'm jumping after you. I can't swim, so I won't be able to drag you out.

[Chuuya's ability means he's never had to learn how to swim. But that won't work if he has a piece of shit ex-partner to rescue.]

[Of course Dazai knows Chuuya can’t swim. It’s always been exceedingly annoying to know. Why does he know all these stupid, useless things about Chuuya? Better yet, when is he going to manage to forget them?]

You fucked up. If that were a mission, you’d have compromised it.

[Dazai points it out, like they’re back in the Mafia together, where he’d have been equally pissed off about the situation but where it would have made more sense. They were partners then; now, they’re enemies. Who the hell risks their own life for someone who hates them?

God, Chuuya is so annoying. Dazai isn’t going to jump, probably, but he pushes away from the railing just to scramble up on top of it, looking down at Chuuya.]

So then we can die together, you say? How lovely. It’d only be your own fault.

[Chuuya lunges forward to grab him, fear in his eyes, as though this might actually kill Dazai, as it should even matter to him if it does. The coat has already fallen to the ground.]

Dazai!

[He'll try to yank him back by the arm. If he manages, he'll try to catch him. If not, he's going to climb after him, because he meant it, and now his heart's in his throat.]

Dazai, don't you dare!

[Not after all that. Not after Chuuya nearly died for him.]

[Chuuya is an idiot. He’s still doing it, trying to save Dazai even at a risk to himself, for no good reason. When has Dazai ever, ever given Chuuya a reason to go this far? They’re not partners. Dazai means nothing to Chuuya, and Chuuya means nothing to Dazai. He hasn’t ever, and that’s a hill Dazai is willing to die on.

He’s always been like this, even since before Chuuya knew him, so the panic in Chuuya’s voice is on his face earns a mirthless laugh, even as Dazai loses his footing and tips backwards instead of towards the river, like he’d prefer. Honestly, Chuuya is always fucking things up like this—and Dazai knew he would, too.

He doesn’t want to think about any of this. It’s too hard and too much, and Dazai is currently sick of it, of overanalyzing what had happened, why Chuuya had let himself be tortured when he could have escaped, and Dazai’s death would have been no skin off his back whatsoever. A bullet to the head is quick, too; Dazai wouldn’t have even had to think about it.

And now he’s thinking too much. How had their captors known Chuuya wouldn’t have simply saved himself? Why the hell is he so damn easy to read?]

[Dazai falls, and Chuuya does his best to catch him, letting the weight of him hit him in the chest. But the force knocks Chuuya backwards, too, and the only result is that they both tumble to the ground, Dazai on top, Chuuya grunting as all the air is knocked out of him. His head hits the ground hard, making him squeeze his eyes shut from the burst of pain.

But that will pass quickly.

He wraps his arms around Dazai as tight as he can, and just keeps holding on to him, so that he can't ever do that again. He's scared. He's honestly scared.]

You're a piece of shit, Dazai.

[He sounds more than breathless, voice barely above a whisper. Pushing Dazai off would help, but he refuses.]

I really fucking hate you.

[Dazai doesn’t make a move to get up. If Chuuya is uncomfortable, it’s his own fault. He’s warm, and the arms around Dazai are a bit too tight, and Chuuya’s voice holds something Dazai doesn’t want to name.]

Then stop getting yourself into trouble because of me.

[Yes, Dazai is aware he’s a piece of shit. Most of the time, it’s on purpose; the rest is simply because, deep down, he’s not a good person. Even now, having defected from the Port Mafia and changing sides, he’d never claim to be anything else.]

I don’t know how you’re still alive. Everything you do is stupid.

[How much would it take t make Chuuya finally snap? It’s honestly exhausting, trying to find out.]

[Chuuya has no intention of letting go. Even if Dazai did want to get up, he'd have to break free of Chuuya's grip first. Like this, Chuuya knows where he's got him, and he's safe, even if it's uncomfortable. They also don't have to look at each other, so Dazai won't see his expressions.]

What was I supposed to do? Let you die?

[There's no way he'll ever do that. It doesn't matter what kind of danger Chuuya is in, he's never going to save himself first, because the thought of this world without Dazai is --

He swallows that thought down fast. He already thought Dazai died once in the past, when he disappeared, and that had been bad enough. He'd spent weeks focused more on tracking this worthless asshole down than on his actual job, without so much as ever finding a single clue... He never wants to feel that way again. He doesn't care what happens to himself, because he decided on those priorities a long time ago.

Even if he'd been terrified while getting tortured, too. Even if he'd thought that they might break his body to the point where he'd never be able to fight again. He hadn't expected to be healed like that for free at all.]

If you want to die that badly, try harder.

[He sounds angry, but Dazai will probably pick up on the real fear underneath.]

[With Chuuya, Dazai had taken too long. He’d let the torture go on too much, to the point he’d almost died, and he knows it. He fucked up. He’d almost let Chuuya die, it would have been his fault, he might not have made it soon enough—

Dazai drags himself back to the present. He doesn’t need to spiral here.]

Yes. That’s exactly what you were supposed to do. And I’d have done the same.

[He wouldn’t have. They both known it. Dazai would much rather lose his life than cause the loss of Chuuya’s.]

If you want me to try harder, then let go.

[But Dazai still isn’t struggling, despite his words. He doesn’t even know if he’d try again, were Chuuya to let him up right now. Dazai’s thoughts are unstable and angry, and when he senses that fear under Chuuya’s words, that just twists the knife more. Why does he do this? Chuuya is the biggest, most annoying idiot Dazai knows.]

[Chuuya tightens his grip on Dazai even more, holding him in place like that might actually protect this idiot from danger.]

Then let me die next time.

[Dazai didn't have to help Chuuya out of there. He could have saved himself, and it would have been less dangerous if he had. Chuuya had been dead weight, a liability, slowing him down. He would have died if Dazai had left him, but it wouldn't have been his responsibility.

Chuuya would have forgiven him.]

I made my choice. You didn't owe me anything.

[He would have done that for Dazai anyway.]

[Chuuya really doesn't need to hold that tightly. Dazai isn't going anywhere; if he were, he'd be struggling a lot more than this, which is not at all.]

I will. I'm sick of stopping you from doing stupid things. Why is it always me who has to clean up your mess and prevent you from dying?

[He's referring to all their years together, to all the times Chuuya has used Corruption and Dazai has pulled him back in. It's always him, because it has to be. Because there's nobody else. What rotten luck for Chuuya that he only has a person like Dazai standing between that veil of life and death.]

Next time, you let me die.

[It's a dare, almost. Chuuya would never, and has never left Dazai in harm's way. It's something Dazai has never understood, can't unravel because Chuuya's reasoning is often a mystery to him, lacking the self-serving, cutthroat nature of Dazai's own intense planning. He just... does things. It's baffling. Dazai can't understand it.]

[Normally when they dare each other, they have to follow through. It's how they work - everything is a challenge, a competition, with one of them always coming out on top. Usually there's a bet involved. And Chuuya should jump on it now, too, but Dazai should have known this would be different.]

I won't.

[He says it in a tone that implies there's no way for Dazai to change his mind. He saved him this time, and he'll save it again. Chuuya had been honestly scared, and he can't shake it, and he can't go back to pretending to want Dazai dead just yet. He'll get over it. Soon.

But he really had thought he'd die, or end up useless which is worse, and he'd decided it was worth it, for Dazai. And Chuuya's convictions are strong. He can't even change his own mind.]

You never had to do any of that shit, Dazai. I never asked you to.

[He lets go, suddenly. Dazai can leave if he wants, but if he tries to jump, Chuuya will stop him again.]

[Dazai doesn't understand Chuuya's fear. He doesn't get it, because he's certainly never given Chuuya a reason to care about him. They were partners, but they hated each other. Now they're enemies, and they still hate each other, and Chuuya's heart is hammering too hard as he holds Dazai too tight, the terrified expression on his face stuck in Dazai's head. Had he looked like that when Chuuya had been growing cold in front of him? He certainly hopes not.]

I didn't have to? I-

[The arms around him are gone. It should be freeing, but all it means is that Dazai has no reason to lay there. So he sits up, climbs to his feet, and presses a hand to the rail again. Right now, he's only steadying himself, not jumping, but...]

Of course I had to. We were partners, and now we're not. Now there's nothing preventing you from just letting it go. [Whatever it is; their relationship, Dazai's life. Whatever it is that Chuuya is clinging to.]

[Dazai gets up, and Chuuya immediately regrets letting go. He feels cold. He watches him for a few moments before slowly getting up himself, rubbing at the back of his head where it knocked against the ground as he fell. His fingers come back with just a little blood on them, but it's just a small cut, nothing he'd ever care about.

He joins Dazai by the railing again, a bit further away this time but still ready to grab him.]

I could see the gun from where I was, they made sure of it. I knew they'd shoot you.

[He ignores what Dazai is saying, because he doesn't care. This would be a lot easier if Chuuya was able to just let go, but he obviously can't, so why argue about it.]

And I can take the pain, Dazai. Why the hell would I care about pain? Why would it matter if they stripped me and hurt me? I don't give a shit. So why the hell would I let you die just because of that?!

[The pain had been unbearable. He'd been screaming, he knows, crying. He'd been terrified. Not of dying, but of never being able to fight again, of his body being destroyed. He'd hated every second, but it didn't matter, because they made sure he'd been able to see the gun. And Chuuya had nearly died, but that didn't matter, either, because he'd protected Dazai for long enough in the end.]

What happened was nothing. Let it go.

[Chuuya has barely slept since it happened, but at least he can't dream.]

[Sure, Chuuya can take the pain. Dazai knows he can, and that's not the problem. The problem is that he'd sat there, stuck in a fucking chair, while Chuuya screamed and cried and looked up at Dazai waiting for him, like he trusted Dazai would do something. And he did, but- What if he hadn't? What if Dazai hadn't been able to do anything? He'd almost taken too long. No, he had taken too long.

In all honesty, this isn't about him being angry at Chuuya. It's about him being angry at himself, at the complications of whatever the hell had happened, whatever the hell had come over him after carrying Chuuya out of there. It's just easier to throw it all on Chuuya, to blame him for being stupid, because Dazai has already spent this whole time blaming himself.

It wasn't nothing. That's the problem.

Dazai pushes himself away from the bridge railing, turns to look at Chuuya. That coat is still on the ground.]

Fine. Die, next time. See if I care.

[He does care. He cares and he hates it, because as much as Dazai can lie and pretend when Chuuya gets hurt, when it comes down to him actually dying, it's--it's too much. Dazai has seen it again and again in his head.]

[Chuuya turns towards Dazai as well, but he doesn't meet his eyes. Instead, his gaze keeps drifting towards the coat on the ground, because he doesn't want Dazai to read his expressions right now.]

I already said you can.

[But he knows how Dazai had sounded. How he'd looked. He's always trusted Dazai to save him, but he hadn't thought he could actually react like that, that he'd really sound scared when he thought Chuuya was dying. But he can't bring it up. They can never talk about it. Dazai would never forgive him.

Besides, Chuuya is the one who's willing to die for Dazai. They just proved that, and it feels too vulnerable right now. He stares at the ground, taking full advantage of the way his hat is hiding his face.]

But I'll save you every single time, Dazai.

[He hates saying it, but at least Dazai will hate hearing it, too.]

Besides, letting myself get tortured was the best way to get us both out alive. My plan worked. You're just angry my plan is the one that worked.

[Perhaps Chuuya really does know him too well; he knows that Dazai would never forgive him for bringing up that real bitter-tinged fear that had crept into Dazai's voice when he'd thought Chuuya might not make it. He'd let himself be stupid enough to believe that Chuuya would actually die, and that's his own fault, but at least he can go on telling himself Chuuya hadn't noticed. They hate each other. That's all there is.

Maybe they could have ended it there, if Chuuya hadn't said what he does: he'd save Dazai every time, and that's wrong. What the hell was the point of all these years of pushing him away? Of keeping Chuuya at arm's length, all the harsh words and abandonment.]

That's the exact opposite of what I want to hear from you. [Dazai spits it out, voice harsh. What the hell will it take to get Chuuya to realize that? He's tying Dazai to a place he doesn't want to be--but even worse than that, Dazai is tying himself to it by saving Chuuya every time, too.

He hates it. He hates all of this.

No. It's fine, Dazai can come back from this. He can reel it in and they can stay where they always are, but he'll push a little harder this time--and yet, never enough to fully get rid of Chuuya. He tells himself he wants to.]

Fine. You know what? You're exactly right. I'm angry your brilliant plan of self-sacrifice ended up not killing both of us. Because that was the plan the whole time, wasn't it? Not one of your spur-of-the-moment impulses that always happens to work out for you.

I don't give a shit what you want to hear.

[He's being selfish, he knows. It's not something he's very good at, but he's better at it with Dazai than anyone else, since the asshole seems to bring it out in him. And normally... normally this is a line they can't cross. They have to pretend. For both their sakes. But right now he can't bring himself to care.

He let's Dazai get out that frustration, though, flinching a little at his words, at being called out, but holding himself back from interrupting.]

Why the hell is it okay for you to sacrifice yourself and not me?

[Because that was the other alternative, right? Dazai being shot in front of Chuuya's eyes. Chuuya would have tried to prevent it. He would have launched himself at Dazai with all the speed that gravity can give him, but he never would have made it.]

Why the hell do you get to decide that?! It worked out! No one was sacrificed in the end!

[Why is it okay for Dazai to sacrifice himself? Is Chuuya really asking? Surely, after all these years of knowing Dazai, he knows. There's a vast difference between them, and that's why it's okay; Chuuya wants to be alive, and Dazai does not. Chuuya has always desperately reached for what it is to be human. He deserves that, and Dazai doesn't. Even just now, he was the one to stop Dazai from plunging into a river that likely wouldn't even have killed him, and he'd sounded scared it would have actually worked.

Chuuya is an idiot.]

After all these years, why would you still be asking that question?

[They're fighting again, but this time it's not over something petty. Dazai is angry that Chuuya still doesn't seem to understand that he's putting himself in harm's way for someone who doesn't want it, and never has. If it hadn't have worked, if Dazai had survived and Chuuya had not-

He can't even think about it. It hits far too close for Dazai to ever be comfortable with acknowledging, so he'll skirt around it like he always does.]

I get to decide because I know what I'm doing. You clearly don't know anything.

[Of course Chuuya knows what Dazai is referring to, but that doesn't mean he's willing to listen to it. His hand shoots up to grab Dazai by his collar, a tight grip that's meant to annoy... Or maybe just to hold on, because he hates when Dazai talks about this, he hates the constant reminder that Dazai could die, any day, and not just because some enemy got lucky. No, it's a matter of Dazai getting lucky in the end.

Chuuya will always stand in the way of that.]

You don't get to decide my priorities.

[It's the closest thing he can get to saying: You don't get to decide if your life is important to me. He can't say that, ever. He can't even think it. All he can do is hold on as tightly as he can.

He feels like he can't breathe, talking about this.]

Just shut up, Dazai. Just shut up. You're the one who doesn't know anything.

Edited 2022-04-13 22:49 (UTC)

[Chuuya is angry--good. Dazai wants that. He wants to aim it at himself, pick a fight, get Chuuya to leave. That's always what he wants, or at least it's what he tells himself he wants. He doesn't pull away from the hand at his collar, doesn't bat an eye when Chuuya tells him to shut up. Dazai wants him angrier. Chuuya can definitely get angrier.]

You've never once been able to get me to shut up. Why do you think I'd do it now?

[One of these days, Dazai will crack the code of what it is that will get Chuuya to give up. He'll push and push and push until something snaps, and that'll be it; he won't have to worry about seeing him bleed out, about being the cause of Chuuya throwing his life away. He's always fought hard to survive, while Dazai is the exact opposite. He doesn't get it. Maybe Chuuya is right, maybe he's the one who doesn't know anything.]

If I don't get to decide your priorities, then you don't get to decide what I do. If I want to jump from that bridge right now, I'll do it, and you'd be even more of a fool than I took you for to jump with me.

[There's a part of him--very much pushed down and ignored--that desperately wants to ask why. Why Chuuya cares so much. Why he'd let himself suffer for someone who has never done anything but push him away. Dazai can't ask that, because he doesn't want to know, and Chuuya would never tell him.]

[This hurts.

It really hurts, and Chuuya can't figure out why, and he hates it. He doesn't want to be angry right now. He wants to be relieved that Dazai isn't dead, even though Chuuya is supposed to want him to be. He tightens his grip, yanks on it to pull Dazai off balance. He needs an outlet, and anger is easier than pain, and Dazai is right there.]

Easy.

[He moves without warning, knocking his head up towards Dazai's jaw without ever letting go of him.

He wants this to hurt Dazai, too.]

I'll jump. And I'll hold onto you the whole time. You think my ability will save me?

[His other hand comes up, lands on the side of Dazai's neck, a move Dazai has pulled on him countless times in the past. He holds it there, cutting off for the tainted sorrow, leaving himself vulnerable. There's no way he's going to back down now.]

[It does hurt, but honestly? Despite all his whining about hating pain, physical pain is far easier to deal with. It has an end point that can be calculated. It’s distracting, rattles his thoughts like other things don’t. He bites his tongue.

And yet, Chuuya keeps spouting nonsense. He doesn’t let go, doesn’t walk away—in fact, he does the opposite, grabs onto Dazai with his other hand, and stops his own ability. It’s stupid, Chuuya is stupid, and Dazai hates him so much. He hates that he cares if Chuuya dies. Most of all, Dazai hates the fact that he can’t get Chuuya to leave him alone. Even hating someone is paying attention to them; it’d be better if Chuuya disowned him entirely. It’s what Dazai tried to do.

He laughs, but it’s short and flat.]

You’re an idiot. You think I won’t do it? If we both die, then what do I care?

[He does care, and that’s the problem. Chuuya keeps leaving himself vulnerable and in Dazai’s hands, and it’s disgusting. He should jump. He should call Chuuya’s bluff.]

Let go. I hate when you touch me.

[Dazai moves back a step, waiting for Chuuya to either let go, or follow. He’ll put a hand on the railing again, a threat. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what Chuuya does, though? Dazai knows he doesn’t want to die. He also knows that Chuuya still trusts him, for some ridiculous reason. Maybe he ought to keep trying to ruin that.]

[Chuuya flinches a bit, and ends up letting go of Dazai after all. If Dazai hates being touched by him so much, he doesn't want to force it, because he doesn't really want to make this weird. It's not like Chuuya wants to touch him or anything.

But he can at least call Dazai's bluff.

He moves quickly. One hand on the railing, and he jumps up, easily clearing the railing even without using his ability. He lands seated on it, though, legs dangling over the river, tipping forward for a moment like the momentum might make him fall anyway before regaining his balance. He shouldn't need to regain his balance.

He's not touching Dazai, so now not using For the Tainted Sorrow is a deliberate choice, and one Dazai won't miss.]

What's so great about jumping in a river when it won't even kill you anyway?

[Truthfully, Dazai doesn't hate it when Chuuya touches him. It's the fact that he doesn't that's bothersome, so when that touch is gone, it should be a relief. Shouldn't it? He's not going to pay attention to how it isn't, how he feels cold where Chuuya's warmth had been. Instead, Dazai watches as Chuuya jumps up--easily, like always--and frowns, trying to figure out what Chuuya's game is.

It's clear that he's not using his ability; of course Dazai doesn't miss it. His body tenses for a moment, arm nearly reaching out to grab onto the back of Chuuya's coat, but he doesn't fall, and Dazai holds back.]

What the fuck, Chuuya?

[Dazai wants to drag him back. Chuuya can't swim, so if he falls in without using his ability, he's going to be in trouble. He's clearly trying to prove a point, to bait Dazai with something he's not going to take.]

How do you know it's not going to kill me? It might. That's not the point, anyway. Stop acting stupid.

[Even though Dazai has told himself this isn't going to rile him up, it sort of is. He doesn't like seeing Chuuya there, without any safeguard, even though Dazai knows he could easily change that. Chuuya isn't going to jump, obviously, and Dazai shouldn't care if he did.]

[Dazai's reaction is satisfying. Usually it's the other way around, with Chuuya reacting in horror as Dazai threatens to hurt himself, get himself killed... He should have done this sooner. He leans forward over the river, and nearly overbalanced again, fingers white where they're gripping the railing tightly. He wonders how cold the water is.

Even if he fell, he could save himself with his ability at any time. Even if he went under water, he could push himself back to the surface. Dazai knows that. But Chuuya is stubborn.]

Isn't this what you want?

[Dazai had said he'd jump even with Chuuya holding him, so Chuuya is just making that easier. He watches something small float by on the water below, not sure what it is. A branch, maybe?]

Or were you just trying to make me stop arguing. Because I don't have to argue.

[No, it's not a branch. The way the sunlight hits the water is making it hard to tell, but it might be someone's lost toy.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject