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just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil
[cw: torture.]
[Chuuya keeps glancing over at Dazai. He can see him through a glass window, some distance away, looking down at him. It's difficult to make out his expression from here. It's difficult to focus on him, but he has to make sure Dazai is still there, that they're not trying to trick him somehow. He can't even tell what's going on with him. If he's okay.
And his attention is drawn away again a split second later. A white hot rod is shoved against his side, burning his skin, making him scream and scream. He'd tried not to, at first. Not because he didn't want to give them the satisfaction - he's been tortured before, he knew it was inevitable - but because Dazai is there, and he doesn't want him to see, doesn't want him to know. But he's far beyond that point now. He has a broken arm, several broken ribs, they've punched him enough, he's bleeding badly in several places, and now they're getting creative. They're having fun. And Chuuya is just taking it, holding himself still for them as they come up with something new. When they pull the rod away again, when he's able to breathe and think, at least for a second, he wonders if they might be stopping his bleeding with this new method. They can cause him pain and keep him alive longer, all with one technique.
He's trying to keep his mind going as a distraction against the pain. It's really not working.
He's on his back on the floor, naked, breathing hard as they allow him a few seconds' break. They probably don't want him passing out, and he's relieved, because he needs to be ready. There are tears of pain in his eyes as he looks up at Dazai again, making sure he's there, and looking for a sign, any sign. He can't act until Dazai lets him know it's time. Dazai will figure something out, he always does, but --
Chuuya really hopes it's soon.
But even if it's not, he'll stay right where he is and take it. Because he can't risk them following through on their threat to kill Dazai if he doesn't cooperate. And there's no way Chuuya would reach him in time to save him from here.]
[Chuuya keeps glancing over at Dazai. He can see him through a glass window, some distance away, looking down at him. It's difficult to make out his expression from here. It's difficult to focus on him, but he has to make sure Dazai is still there, that they're not trying to trick him somehow. He can't even tell what's going on with him. If he's okay.
And his attention is drawn away again a split second later. A white hot rod is shoved against his side, burning his skin, making him scream and scream. He'd tried not to, at first. Not because he didn't want to give them the satisfaction - he's been tortured before, he knew it was inevitable - but because Dazai is there, and he doesn't want him to see, doesn't want him to know. But he's far beyond that point now. He has a broken arm, several broken ribs, they've punched him enough, he's bleeding badly in several places, and now they're getting creative. They're having fun. And Chuuya is just taking it, holding himself still for them as they come up with something new. When they pull the rod away again, when he's able to breathe and think, at least for a second, he wonders if they might be stopping his bleeding with this new method. They can cause him pain and keep him alive longer, all with one technique.
He's trying to keep his mind going as a distraction against the pain. It's really not working.
He's on his back on the floor, naked, breathing hard as they allow him a few seconds' break. They probably don't want him passing out, and he's relieved, because he needs to be ready. There are tears of pain in his eyes as he looks up at Dazai again, making sure he's there, and looking for a sign, any sign. He can't act until Dazai lets him know it's time. Dazai will figure something out, he always does, but --
Chuuya really hopes it's soon.
But even if it's not, he'll stay right where he is and take it. Because he can't risk them following through on their threat to kill Dazai if he doesn't cooperate. And there's no way Chuuya would reach him in time to save him from here.]
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I won't.
[He says it in a tone that implies there's no way for Dazai to change his mind. He saved him this time, and he'll save it again. Chuuya had been honestly scared, and he can't shake it, and he can't go back to pretending to want Dazai dead just yet. He'll get over it. Soon.
But he really had thought he'd die, or end up useless which is worse, and he'd decided it was worth it, for Dazai. And Chuuya's convictions are strong. He can't even change his own mind.]
You never had to do any of that shit, Dazai. I never asked you to.
[He lets go, suddenly. Dazai can leave if he wants, but if he tries to jump, Chuuya will stop him again.]
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I didn't have to? I-
[The arms around him are gone. It should be freeing, but all it means is that Dazai has no reason to lay there. So he sits up, climbs to his feet, and presses a hand to the rail again. Right now, he's only steadying himself, not jumping, but...]
Of course I had to. We were partners, and now we're not. Now there's nothing preventing you from just letting it go. [Whatever it is; their relationship, Dazai's life. Whatever it is that Chuuya is clinging to.]
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He joins Dazai by the railing again, a bit further away this time but still ready to grab him.]
I could see the gun from where I was, they made sure of it. I knew they'd shoot you.
[He ignores what Dazai is saying, because he doesn't care. This would be a lot easier if Chuuya was able to just let go, but he obviously can't, so why argue about it.]
And I can take the pain, Dazai. Why the hell would I care about pain? Why would it matter if they stripped me and hurt me? I don't give a shit. So why the hell would I let you die just because of that?!
[The pain had been unbearable. He'd been screaming, he knows, crying. He'd been terrified. Not of dying, but of never being able to fight again, of his body being destroyed. He'd hated every second, but it didn't matter, because they made sure he'd been able to see the gun. And Chuuya had nearly died, but that didn't matter, either, because he'd protected Dazai for long enough in the end.]
What happened was nothing. Let it go.
[Chuuya has barely slept since it happened, but at least he can't dream.]
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In all honesty, this isn't about him being angry at Chuuya. It's about him being angry at himself, at the complications of whatever the hell had happened, whatever the hell had come over him after carrying Chuuya out of there. It's just easier to throw it all on Chuuya, to blame him for being stupid, because Dazai has already spent this whole time blaming himself.
It wasn't nothing. That's the problem.
Dazai pushes himself away from the bridge railing, turns to look at Chuuya. That coat is still on the ground.]
Fine. Die, next time. See if I care.
[He does care. He cares and he hates it, because as much as Dazai can lie and pretend when Chuuya gets hurt, when it comes down to him actually dying, it's--it's too much. Dazai has seen it again and again in his head.]
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I already said you can.
[But he knows how Dazai had sounded. How he'd looked. He's always trusted Dazai to save him, but he hadn't thought he could actually react like that, that he'd really sound scared when he thought Chuuya was dying. But he can't bring it up. They can never talk about it. Dazai would never forgive him.
Besides, Chuuya is the one who's willing to die for Dazai. They just proved that, and it feels too vulnerable right now. He stares at the ground, taking full advantage of the way his hat is hiding his face.]
But I'll save you every single time, Dazai.
[He hates saying it, but at least Dazai will hate hearing it, too.]
Besides, letting myself get tortured was the best way to get us both out alive. My plan worked. You're just angry my plan is the one that worked.
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Maybe they could have ended it there, if Chuuya hadn't said what he does: he'd save Dazai every time, and that's wrong. What the hell was the point of all these years of pushing him away? Of keeping Chuuya at arm's length, all the harsh words and abandonment.]
That's the exact opposite of what I want to hear from you. [Dazai spits it out, voice harsh. What the hell will it take to get Chuuya to realize that? He's tying Dazai to a place he doesn't want to be--but even worse than that, Dazai is tying himself to it by saving Chuuya every time, too.
He hates it. He hates all of this.
No. It's fine, Dazai can come back from this. He can reel it in and they can stay where they always are, but he'll push a little harder this time--and yet, never enough to fully get rid of Chuuya. He tells himself he wants to.]
Fine. You know what? You're exactly right. I'm angry your brilliant plan of self-sacrifice ended up not killing both of us. Because that was the plan the whole time, wasn't it? Not one of your spur-of-the-moment impulses that always happens to work out for you.
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[He's being selfish, he knows. It's not something he's very good at, but he's better at it with Dazai than anyone else, since the asshole seems to bring it out in him. And normally... normally this is a line they can't cross. They have to pretend. For both their sakes. But right now he can't bring himself to care.
He let's Dazai get out that frustration, though, flinching a little at his words, at being called out, but holding himself back from interrupting.]
Why the hell is it okay for you to sacrifice yourself and not me?
[Because that was the other alternative, right? Dazai being shot in front of Chuuya's eyes. Chuuya would have tried to prevent it. He would have launched himself at Dazai with all the speed that gravity can give him, but he never would have made it.]
Why the hell do you get to decide that?! It worked out! No one was sacrificed in the end!
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Chuuya is an idiot.]
After all these years, why would you still be asking that question?
[They're fighting again, but this time it's not over something petty. Dazai is angry that Chuuya still doesn't seem to understand that he's putting himself in harm's way for someone who doesn't want it, and never has. If it hadn't have worked, if Dazai had survived and Chuuya had not-
He can't even think about it. It hits far too close for Dazai to ever be comfortable with acknowledging, so he'll skirt around it like he always does.]
I get to decide because I know what I'm doing. You clearly don't know anything.
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Chuuya will always stand in the way of that.]
You don't get to decide my priorities.
[It's the closest thing he can get to saying: You don't get to decide if your life is important to me. He can't say that, ever. He can't even think it. All he can do is hold on as tightly as he can.
He feels like he can't breathe, talking about this.]
Just shut up, Dazai. Just shut up. You're the one who doesn't know anything.
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You've never once been able to get me to shut up. Why do you think I'd do it now?
[One of these days, Dazai will crack the code of what it is that will get Chuuya to give up. He'll push and push and push until something snaps, and that'll be it; he won't have to worry about seeing him bleed out, about being the cause of Chuuya throwing his life away. He's always fought hard to survive, while Dazai is the exact opposite. He doesn't get it. Maybe Chuuya is right, maybe he's the one who doesn't know anything.]
If I don't get to decide your priorities, then you don't get to decide what I do. If I want to jump from that bridge right now, I'll do it, and you'd be even more of a fool than I took you for to jump with me.
[There's a part of him--very much pushed down and ignored--that desperately wants to ask why. Why Chuuya cares so much. Why he'd let himself suffer for someone who has never done anything but push him away. Dazai can't ask that, because he doesn't want to know, and Chuuya would never tell him.]
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It really hurts, and Chuuya can't figure out why, and he hates it. He doesn't want to be angry right now. He wants to be relieved that Dazai isn't dead, even though Chuuya is supposed to want him to be. He tightens his grip, yanks on it to pull Dazai off balance. He needs an outlet, and anger is easier than pain, and Dazai is right there.]
Easy.
[He moves without warning, knocking his head up towards Dazai's jaw without ever letting go of him.
He wants this to hurt Dazai, too.]
I'll jump. And I'll hold onto you the whole time. You think my ability will save me?
[His other hand comes up, lands on the side of Dazai's neck, a move Dazai has pulled on him countless times in the past. He holds it there, cutting off for the tainted sorrow, leaving himself vulnerable. There's no way he's going to back down now.]
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And yet, Chuuya keeps spouting nonsense. He doesn’t let go, doesn’t walk away—in fact, he does the opposite, grabs onto Dazai with his other hand, and stops his own ability. It’s stupid, Chuuya is stupid, and Dazai hates him so much. He hates that he cares if Chuuya dies. Most of all, Dazai hates the fact that he can’t get Chuuya to leave him alone. Even hating someone is paying attention to them; it’d be better if Chuuya disowned him entirely. It’s what Dazai tried to do.
He laughs, but it’s short and flat.]
You’re an idiot. You think I won’t do it? If we both die, then what do I care?
[He does care, and that’s the problem. Chuuya keeps leaving himself vulnerable and in Dazai’s hands, and it’s disgusting. He should jump. He should call Chuuya’s bluff.]
Let go. I hate when you touch me.
[Dazai moves back a step, waiting for Chuuya to either let go, or follow. He’ll put a hand on the railing again, a threat. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what Chuuya does, though? Dazai knows he doesn’t want to die. He also knows that Chuuya still trusts him, for some ridiculous reason. Maybe he ought to keep trying to ruin that.]
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But he can at least call Dazai's bluff.
He moves quickly. One hand on the railing, and he jumps up, easily clearing the railing even without using his ability. He lands seated on it, though, legs dangling over the river, tipping forward for a moment like the momentum might make him fall anyway before regaining his balance. He shouldn't need to regain his balance.
He's not touching Dazai, so now not using For the Tainted Sorrow is a deliberate choice, and one Dazai won't miss.]
What's so great about jumping in a river when it won't even kill you anyway?
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It's clear that he's not using his ability; of course Dazai doesn't miss it. His body tenses for a moment, arm nearly reaching out to grab onto the back of Chuuya's coat, but he doesn't fall, and Dazai holds back.]
What the fuck, Chuuya?
[Dazai wants to drag him back. Chuuya can't swim, so if he falls in without using his ability, he's going to be in trouble. He's clearly trying to prove a point, to bait Dazai with something he's not going to take.]
How do you know it's not going to kill me? It might. That's not the point, anyway. Stop acting stupid.
[Even though Dazai has told himself this isn't going to rile him up, it sort of is. He doesn't like seeing Chuuya there, without any safeguard, even though Dazai knows he could easily change that. Chuuya isn't going to jump, obviously, and Dazai shouldn't care if he did.]
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Even if he fell, he could save himself with his ability at any time. Even if he went under water, he could push himself back to the surface. Dazai knows that. But Chuuya is stubborn.]
Isn't this what you want?
[Dazai had said he'd jump even with Chuuya holding him, so Chuuya is just making that easier. He watches something small float by on the water below, not sure what it is. A branch, maybe?]
Or were you just trying to make me stop arguing. Because I don't have to argue.
[No, it's not a branch. The way the sunlight hits the water is making it hard to tell, but it might be someone's lost toy.]
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Of course this isn’t what I want. I’m the one jumping, not you. What do I care if you go in the river or not?
[But he takes a step forward, closer to where Chuuya sits on the railing.]
If you jump, then there’s no reason for me not to. You’re not painting a very convincing reason I shouldn’t.
[He really doesn’t want to deal with Chuuya going in, though. He’ll be fine, obviously, but the idea of it—of possibilities—is too close to what Dazai has been trying to avoid this whole time.]
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He hates getting cold, or wet.]
How far is it from here?
[Chuuya is bad at estimating height. It's not something he really has to worry about, normally. And he just wants Dazai to shut up, change the subject. He's being childish probably, and he should leave now, head home, let Dazai do whatever the hell he wants. Chuuya has given him the coat, he's done what he came here to do.
Fifty feet, maybe? Or twice that?]
Hold my hat for me.
[He takes it off and drops it on Dazai's head in one smooth movement.]
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You're not going to.
[He knows he shouldn't call Chuuya's bluff, because that's the sort of thing that will push Chuuya to prove that he means it. It's stupid, how well Dazai knows him. It's even stupider that he's letting himself get rattled, but he tells himself he's not showing it. He can't, because he's not supposed to care.]
If you jump-
[That stupid hat is in his hand before Dazai can finish his sentence, and that's enough for him to reach out and grab the back of Chuuya's collar. Dazai does it without thinking much--other than the fact that he won't let it happen.]
I swear, Chuuya, if you fall over the side, I'm going to laugh at you.
[He's not. Dazai knows he's not; he knows he's more than likely going to want to jump after. But doing so would be pointless; something like this definitely wouldn't kill Chuuya.]
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Except that he'd been willing to die for Dazai, slowly and painfully, and he's forced to acknowledge that about himself. He doesn't even regret his choice. He's going to have to live with that knowledge. He knows he should lie, say he wants Dazai to die here, but he hasn't been able to get those words out.
And Dazai just reached out for him.]
Why the hell do we have to fight right now?
[He says it quietly. He takes his eyes off the water, turns his head to face Dazai again instead. He's frowning.]
I just came to deliver a damn coat.
[They both know that's not why.]
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Anyone dying for him is just too much. Dazai isn't worth it. He knows that, and he'd thought Chuuya knew that. If anyone is going to die, it's him, and... that's another problem. The fact that he's willing to die for Chuuya. Not that Dazai wouldn't die for anyone in the Agency, but this is different. He doesn't want to acknowledge what it means, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
Dazai frowns too.]
Get down from the railing.
[He didn't come to deliver a coat. If that were the case, he'd have tossed it at Dazai and left, or sent someone else to deliver it, or hell, he could have mailed the thing. It's not even Dazai's old coat, and he knows it.]
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Now he has to tilt his head back to look at Dazai again, which is always annoying, but he minds less now than he normally would.]
Can we go somewhere else?
[He's starting to hate this bridge. And he's obviously not leaving Dazai here, so either they both leave together, or they're right back where they were, playing suicidal chicken, and sooner or later they'll both end up in the water.
And it really looks cold.]
I need a drink.
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Of course Chuuya isn't going to leave him here alone. Dazai considers it for a moment, watching Chuuya with an unreadable expression. If he gets back up on the bridge, Chuuya is just going to do the same annoying thing, and Dazai doesn't feel like dealing with that again. And he does want a drink. ]
Fine.
[ He finally lets go, and bends to pick up the discarded coat. He might as well take it with him; he'll need a new one sooner or later, and this one's right here. ]
You're paying.
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He'll start walking, taking care to stay close enough that Dazai doesn't have to let go if he doesn't want to, hoping it's not too obvious.]
Fine.
[Money means nothing to him. And there's a bar not far from here where he knows that if they sit at a particular spot in the back, they'll be almost hidden from everyone else there. He doesn't think he could handle anyone else looking at him.]
Then I get to decide where we go.
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That's fine by me; I really don't care where we go.
[With bars, Dazai will go anywhere as long as they're within his price range and he hasn't been kicked out or otherwise labeled a nuisance. Chuuya's the one with more discerning taste, since he enjoys masquerading as someone high-class, so Dazai assumes it will be somewhere nice.
After a moment, unable to convince himself there's no reason he wants to keep holding onto Chuuya, Dazai finally lets go.]
Are we walking?
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[He doesn't like that Dazai let's go, but he definitely won't comment on it. That would make this too weird. And he won't reach out for him, either, so he'll shove his hands in his pockets as he walks next to him, glancing up at Dazai every few steps. He doesn't say anything else until they're safely off the bridge.
He doesn't trust Dazai not to try to jump again.]
You've sacrificed me before. It's something we've always known might happen.
[It's a bit cruel, maybe, but he doesn't get why Dazai's so upset now. To be fair, they never actually talked about it after that time he let Chuuya drown. He'd survived after all, it hadn't mattered, so he'd just tried his best to move on. He wouldn't have brought what happened up this time if he hadn't seen Dazai's face as he carried him away.]
All I'm saying is that it's fine.
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