indensity | just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

[cw: torture.]

[Chuuya keeps glancing over at Dazai. He can see him through a glass window, some distance away, looking down at him. It's difficult to make out his expression from here. It's difficult to focus on him, but he has to make sure Dazai is still there, that they're not trying to trick him somehow. He can't even tell what's going on with him. If he's okay.

And his attention is drawn away again a split second later. A white hot rod is shoved against his side, burning his skin, making him scream and scream. He'd tried not to, at first. Not because he didn't want to give them the satisfaction - he's been tortured before, he knew it was inevitable - but because Dazai is there, and he doesn't want him to see, doesn't want him to know. But he's far beyond that point now. He has a broken arm, several broken ribs, they've punched him enough, he's bleeding badly in several places, and now they're getting creative. They're having fun. And Chuuya is just taking it, holding himself still for them as they come up with something new. When they pull the rod away again, when he's able to breathe and think, at least for a second, he wonders if they might be stopping his bleeding with this new method. They can cause him pain and keep him alive longer, all with one technique.

He's trying to keep his mind going as a distraction against the pain. It's really not working.

He's on his back on the floor, naked, breathing hard as they allow him a few seconds' break. They probably don't want him passing out, and he's relieved, because he needs to be ready. There are tears of pain in his eyes as he looks up at Dazai again, making sure he's there, and looking for a sign, any sign. He can't act until Dazai lets him know it's time. Dazai will figure something out, he always does, but --

Chuuya really hopes it's soon.

But even if it's not, he'll stay right where he is and take it. Because he can't risk them following through on their threat to kill Dazai if he doesn't cooperate. And there's no way Chuuya would reach him in time to save him from here.]

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[What would it get him? Something a lot better for him than Dazai. Chuuya shouldn't want him, and Dazai shouldn't want Chuuya; he's spent years desperately clawing for the exact opposite, pushing away what they'd managed to forge in their early years, trying to crack that misplaced trust that Chuuya still hangs onto. Why? Dazai wants to shake him, to demand Chuuya answer the question, to explain why he wants Dazai when nothing good has ever come of them knowing each other.

But the truth is that Dazai has never been able to fully sever the cord. He could have, and he knows it. He has it in him to be cruel, to hit Chuuya where it hurts the most, and yet all their fighting is utterly petty, something superficial that never truly strikes at the trust Chuuya still has for him. It's true that Dazai has done awful things, but at the end of the day...

At the end of the day, he doesn't want Chuuya to die. He doesn't want Chuuya to hurt, and that's why they can't do this. They shouldn't. Is Chuuya stupid, or does he just not care? And then there's the fact that deep down, Dazai knows this isn't for Chuuya's own good. He says it is, but... it's for him. He doesn't want to be the one responsible for the death of someone else he cares about, doesn't want to be the one who breaks Chuuya for good. And that's what he'll do. He knows it.]

What would it get you if you admitted it? [Dazai's body feels too warm, different from the cold fugue he's been wandering in up until now.] Nothing. It won't get either of us anything.

[There are so many things denying it would get Chuuya. Something better, at the core of it.]

[He wants to keep kissing. No, he wants to shut Dazai up, because he doesn't want him to argue. Chuuya doesn't have the energy to debate him when even saying as much as he already did felt like too much. He's feeling too vulnerable, but he's been feeling too vulnerable since what happened, and at least Dazai is --

He's always felt more grounded with him.]

Might get me laid.

[His tone is a bit defeated. He wants to keep fighting, but this is new territory, and he's already admitted what he needed to. Sure, he didn't say it outright, but... The thing is, he trusts Dazai, but not with his feelings. He doesn't trust anyone with those. He steps back.]

I'll buy you that drink.

[Dazai doesn't want Chuuya to step back. He doesn't want the space between them, but at the same time, he knows he should. This is something he's denied himself for years, and to hear Chuuya say it just like that, to have him shove Dazai up against a wall in public-]

No.

[He's not in the mood to go to a bar. To be surrounded by people and pretending things are normal. He's not in the mood to pretend his lips aren't bruising. But at the same time, he can't be here. And if Chuuya wants to get laid, then...]

You have wine at your apartment. [Dazai looks at Chuuya, measured. He's not saying anything other than a statement of fact. Chuuya is free to take this the way he wants to. Maybe it's true that Dazai is a coward, but he can't bring himself to say the things Chuuya does so blatantly--that he doesn't want Dazai to die, that he won't let him.

It's more than Dazai has ever been able to truthfully admit when it comes to Chuuya.]

[Chuuya looks surprised for a moment. He had expected Dazai to go along with Chuuya's suggestion, because it was an excuse to drop it, to get drunk somewhere public where they wouldn't be able to talk about it anyway. Chuuya doesn't really want to go to a bar, either, but he would have done it, for the excuse to stay close to Dazai.

But he doesn't comment. He just pulls out his phone, and starts ordering a cab, because they're too far from his apartment to walk.]

I have whisky, too.

[It's a relief. They can be alone. No one else will get to see Chuuya like this. He might just jump Dazai the second they reach his apartment, he thinks, because it might be the only way to shake off these feelings.]

[It's not like Chuuya needs to bribe Dazai to come; he's the one who had suggested it, more or less, but Dazai appreciates the effort of giving him a reason not to refuse. While they wait, he'll straighten his collar--just for something to do with his hands. And this is an unusual feeling; Dazai doesn't quite know what to say. Chuuya has displayed a lot of honesty, too much, and Dazai is still closed tight, unwilling or unable to say the sort of things Chuuya is able to blurt out.

It's frustrating. He hates it. There are things on the tip of his tongue, things he wants to yell at Chuuya, but Dazai just can't get himself to spit them out. So he doesn't, shrugging on the coat Chuuya brought, obviously new.]

How long?

[Dazai doesn't actually want to be in a cab. He feels like clawing out of his skin, and like being in an enclosed space with Chuuya and some other body might tip him over again, but there aren't any bridges for him to throw himself off of. But even if there were, he's not going to risk a repeat of what just happened.]

Just a couple of minutes.

[Chuuya doesn't know what else to say, either. He said too much, and he knows he made Dazai uncomfortable, but it's not like he can take it back. He could kiss him again, but with the cab that close they don't really have time to do it properly. So h ejust allows the silence to stretch out for a little bit, watching Dazai out of the corner of his eye in case he decides to do something stupid.

But the cab arrives quickly. Chuuya lets Dazai get in first, and then follows, giving his address to the driver. It won't be much more than a ten minute drive from here.]

I should toss you in the shower when we get there. You smell like shit, Dazai.

[Insults help, right? And they both look like shit so there's plenty to choose from.]

[Dazai, for once, doesn't do something stupid. He doesn't 'trip' in front of the cab, doesn't try to run. He's already resigned himself to going with Chuuya despite how on edge he feels after that kiss, after words that Chuuya isn't taking back even though Dazai wishes he would. It's too much honesty between them. It isn't supposed to be like this, but Chuuya has done something it will be hard to pull back from. And he doesn't give any indication he wants to.

Dazai climbs into the car anyway.]

Might as well have just let me jump off the bridge, then. A nice soak in the river would have taken care of it.

[But Dazai is aware he looks awful, and probably smells awful too. Stale alcohol and sweat. A shower might actually be nice, if he cared. They really both look terrible.]

[The distance between them in the cab feels like too much. He wants to press himself on top of Dazai again. He wants to make sure that he can't run. Instead he just gives him an unimpressed look, shoving those feelings down as best he can.]

River water smells, idiot. It's not clean.

[A shower would be really nice. It would warm him up, which he definitely needs, and really, Dazai isn't the only one who smells. Though he definitely smells a lot worse than Chuuya.]

Typical mackerel. Are you trying to scare people off with that smell?

[Dazai definitely has jumped from moving vehicles before--both out of necessity and because he wanted to--but he doesn't plan on it this time. If he wanted to run, which he still sort of does, he would have done it before agreeing to get into a cab with Chuuya, before suggesting they go back to his place. This whole air between them is weird, and Dazai finds himself distressingly restless because of it.]

If I was trying to scare people off, I'd have been rid of you a long time ago.

[Chuuya is just spouting typical insults, irrelevant to the matter at hand, but if scaring people off worked, then this would have worked out far better for him. Chuuya would have left him alone. He wouldn't have ended up almost dying because he trusted Dazai to get them out of that situation--or because he didn't want to see Dazai get a bullet in the head.

They'd both have been better off if he'd just let it happen, but Dazai doubts saying so is going to get him anywhere, and he doesn't really want to keep thinking about that. He's relived it in his head often enough since.]

[The tension feels almost unbearable. It's wrong/i>. Because it's a type of tension that's never really existed between the two of them, not when they've been fighting since the second they met, angrily lashing out, insulting each other, a constant release of anything that could have become this. And right now the insults are not working.

Chuuya knows it's his fault. But it's not like taking it back would work at this point.]

I never had a choice about putting up with you. That's the only reason you're not rid of me.

[A pretty shitty lie, considering his confession earlier. It had felt invitable in the moment, but he's definitely starting to regret it now. He might have fucked this up completely.]

At least you're not living in an actual garbage dump anymore.

[No, taking it back wouldn't work. Dazai could pretend to forget, but it would eat away at him like it is now, and he'd do something stupid. Something impulsive, lashing out and ruining things he thinks he doesn't deserve. It would be bad--it's already bad right now. He wants to do something stupid. He wants to throw himself from that bridge, but they're driving away from it.

Chuuya lies. He says he doesn't have a choice--and that might have been the case in the past, but they both know that's not what it is here. If Chuuya wanted to be rid of Dazai, he wouldn't have panicked about the bridge. He wouldn't be going out of his way to make sure Dazai doesn't do something intentionally dangerous.

And even if that weren't what happened... Chuuya's words have ruined any front they've put up over the years.]

You're right, I'm not. I've moved up in the world. An ordinary apartment and soap.

[Granted, it's a bit of a dump right now. Maybe if Dazai pulls himself out of this mood, he'll clean.]

[Nothing seems to be breaking the tension. It's frustrating, even though Chuuya had expected it. He's broken just about every rule for how to deal with Dazai, after all. At least they'll get to his apartment soon, because having this conversation with a stranger in the front seat is nearly unbeareable. It's a relief to notice they're turning onto familiar streets.]

I'll believe the soap when I see it.

[He'll have to lay a strategy for how to fix this. No, he really just wants to kiss Dazai again. Grab him by the front of his clothes, drag him into his apartment, and press himself up against him. That's not a helpful thought. He glances away.]

Are you hungry? I don't have food.

[Dazai already knows Chuuya doesn't have food in his apartment.]

[Dazai is behaving, honestly. He's not trying to wrench open the car door, he's not threatening to kick Chuuya out. And perhaps that's more uncomfortable than when he doesn't behave, because that's normal for him, not this cool, tense distance that he wants to both maintain and break. He won't let himself do anything yet.]

I'm not hungry.

[Of course Chuuya doesn't have food. Dazai has been to his place plenty enough to know this. And Dazai probably should be hungry--he can't remember the last time he ate--but he simply isn't. Nothing seems appealing, particularly not with this gnawing feeling in his stomach that he's doing something very, very bad. It's certainly not guilt, because Dazai hasn't felt that for a long time. Maybe dread. Maybe the knowledge that he's breaking his own rules, that this can only end badly and yet, he's still going along with it.

That's what he's doing. He knows that once he gets inside that apartment, there's not going to be an easy way to deny it. And this sort of thing is something you can't simply go back on, to pretend it didn't happen, because he's spent years already doing that.

God, he really wants out of this car.]

[Chuuya isn't hungry, either. It's another thing they have in common, they tend to skip meals when they're too stressed, or have too much on their minds. Chuuya at least usually forces down a protein shake if he doesn't have it in him to eat an actual meal, but right now, food would only have been a priority for him if Dazai needed it. It can wait.

The cab arrives outside of Chuuya's building, and Chuuya watches Dazai out of the corner of his eye as he pays the fare befor eclimbing out of the car. He doubts Dazai would run away now, but he's too on edge, and he won't be able to relax until they're safely in his apartment.

And he doesn't know what else to say until they are. He'll walk quietly, unlocking the front door for them, then shoves his hands in his pockets as they wait for the elevator to take them up. It feels like it's taking five times as long as usual, and he doesn't know what to do with his hands, until --

The elevator doors open, and Chuuya drags Dazai inside, shoves him up against a wall, and kisses him.]

[Dazai does consider running away, but he knows he wouldn't get far, and it's not going to do anything to dispel what has already gone down between them. He knows it's something he can't avoid because they always, always seem to find their way back to each other, and he hates it. Hands shove deep in his pockets, just for something to do with them, until Chuuya walks forward, and Dazai follows.

This is one of the rare times he's actually entering the building properly. Usually, Dazai will sneak his way in, which allows him the excuse that Chuuya doesn't actually want him in the apartment, but now... he's being invited, and going willingly, and that's another thing he hates. God, if there were an open window-

The elevator doors open, and Dazai doesn't protest about being dragged inside. He doesn't have the time even if he wanted to, because his back is against a wall again, Chuuya's lips on his, and Dazai doesn't pull away.

He could. He tells himself he could, but doesn't know if that makes it worse because it means he doesn't want to. Chuuya's lips are warm; the kiss is harsh, pressed against already bruised lips. He shouldn't kiss back, but he is, pushing into it with just as much force, because Dazai can't ever let Chuuya best him, even when it's something he knows he definitely shouldn't do.]

[Being kissed back helps. Chuuya is freaking out, and trying to push it down, fight it off, ignore it and keep going like they have been, pretend none of that happened. At least Dazai still wants this, and that's a good sign. At least they're still kissing, harsh and desperate, Chuuya switching from holding Dazai against the wall to just holding onto him.

The elevator dings, only seconds later, already having brought them to the top floor. Chuuya reluctantly pulls away so he can go punch in the code to his apartment.]

What do you want to drink?

[He's not actually in the mood to drink. He's exhausted. He's been exhausted for a while, since he's barely been able to sleep since... that. At least he's incapable of having nightmares. But drinking should help, and at least it's a distraction from what's going on now.]

I'm gonna make coffee and just add whiskey or something to that. Actually, I might have some irish cream left.

[Screw sleep.]

[There's still a chance to make a break for it, but Dazai has a feeling that if he does, that truly will make something break between them. And as much as he's told himself over the years that he wants it to break, the idea of it truly, actually happening is enough to have him following Chuuya instead of refusing to get out of the elevator. There's the lingering warmth of that kiss, the feeling of Chuuya holding onto him.

It borders on too much.]

You're offering me alcohol? [Dazai's words are skeptical, but yeah, he does want some. It's what he's been doing since everything happened--this is one of his rare sober moments--but having more wouldn't hurt.

It'll give him something to do, at least. An excuse for being stupid.]

Make what you want.

[Like he doesn't care. Dazai's voice has been impassive since getting into the car, expression schooled despite the fact that he'd very much been kissing Chuuya in the elevator.]

I promised I'd buy you a drink, right?

[Chuuya goes and finds two glasses, sets them on the coffee table, grabs an opened bottle of whiskey to hand to Dazai, and then disappears into the kitchen for that coffee. He's moving on autopilot now - find two mugs, make two cups of coffee in case Dazai wants one, too. At least his coffee maker is completely automatic, down to grinding the beans for him.

He rubs at the back of his neck while he waits, trying to shake the building tension. He definitely fucked up, didn't he?

Is Dazai going to forgive him for this?]

For the record, I'm not expecting anything from you.

[He sets one of the mugs down in front of Dazai, grabs the irish cream, realizes that he may have brought out too many things... He doesn't care. They can have two drinks each, or Chuuya can drink both cups of coffee.

He adds a generous amount of that irish cream to one, and starts drinking.]

[Chuuya did promise, and normally Dazai would make a fuss about that, but right now he truly doesn't care. He stands in Chuuya's apartment and waits, not really thinking about anything--in that dull, apathetic mood he falls into at times--holding the bottle of whiskey as Chuuya hands it to him. It's a kind he likes, too, which might be a coincidence, but also might not.

Then there's the hot coffee, steam curling from the dark liquid, and Dazai finally sits down on the couch, pouring himself a generous amount of whiskey rather than drinking straight from the bottle to be annoying like he usually would. He'll drink the whiskey first, the coffee second, eyes shifting to Chuuya as he adds in the irish cream.

He's been too silent. Dazai knows it's not like him, but it's hard to think of anything else to say when he keeps thinking about the wall at his back, Chuuya at his front, and what he'd said.]

If you're not expecting anything from me, why would you say anything?

[The first thing Dazai has properly said, and his voice is cool and impassive. He grips the glass in his hand too hard.]

[Chuuya doesn't answer right away. He's not looking at Dazai, instead focusing on his coffee, drinking deeply from it for several moments. He's not sure which one he needs to kick in first, the alcohol or the caffeine, but in either case he knows it won't be bad enough. He's tense, visibly so.]

To shut you up. And it worked.

[It's not a lie, but it's nowhere near the whole truth. It slipped out. Maybe he's not expecting anything, but he wants it, and right now he's focusing all his energy on changing that, like he can somehow kick these feelings out of his body and let things go back to normal between them.]

So you'd stop saying I should let you die. Now you know you can't change my mind.

[He's restless, sitting still. He's regretting that, too, wants to get up and start pacing, do something. The best way to deal with stress is through overwork.]

So as long as you promise to shut up about that, we can pretend this didn't happen.

[Did it work? Yes, and it's a fact Dazai hates. He hates that he hadn't expected it, that he'd let himself be open to an unexpected attack, which is exactly how he views it. An attack. He should have been watching out, but how was he supposed to know that Chuuya-

No, he's not going to entertain that idea. At least, not until he's had enough of this spiked coffee.]

If it was meant to shut me up, then why am I still talking?

[A petty comment, yeah; Dazai knows very well that Chuuya means in the moment, and he's still reeling from that kiss against the wall. Still feeling like he's failed whatever he set out to do when he left Chuuya behind for four years.

And then Chuuya says they can pretend this didn't happen, and Dazai stops mid-sip, mug held in front of him, and looks unblinking at Chuuya.]

...Is that it, then? You're trying to talk your way out of this? Like I'd forget?

[It really is a good offer, and Dazai should take it. He knows he should, but there's a stubbornness, an irritation that if Chuuya decided to take this path, he's going to have to live with that choice.]

[Dazai knows what Chuuya meant. Chuuya won't even bother to comment, because he's not in the mood for one of their meaningless arguments, even though at least that would make this more normal. He just doesn't have the energy, doesn't think he'd be able to hold back his frustration. He just shrugs, keep drinking.

It's not like he feels like he won any sort of victory by shutting him up.]

What's the alternative?

[For Dazai to hold this against him? Use it against him? For Chuuya to have to live with being mocked for it, when he knows it makes him an idiot? He could live with that if it means he didn't completely fuck everything up, but --

He doesn't know. He doesn't know what to do.]

You want to run with it instead?

[Maybe he's lost his mind, or maybe he's just desperate. Maybe he's trying to shut Dazai up again. He moves, spins around, throws one leg over both of Dazai's, straddling him. He knows this is the last thing Dazai wants him to do.]

Sure, Dazai, let's do this.

[He says it like a challenge, and tries to keep his real emotions off his face.]

[God, this is a mess. Dazai hates messes that aren't ones he himself creates; even worse if it's Chuuya. He wants to scrub his hands through his hair, to throw himself off the nearest high-rise, to stand up and leave and never come back. But he's done that before, and somehow doubts he'll get away with it again. Not when he has a place he needs to return to. This truly is a mess.

And it's all Chuuya's fault. What he says just compounds it, makes Dazai's gaze snap towards him--but Chuuya is quick, and there's a weight on Dazai's lap before he can move away. Maybe it's the exhaustion. Maybe not. Either way, it's not an ideal situation at all.]

I never said I want to run with it.

[Dazai hates how Chuuya says it like it's a challenge. Like it's not a big deal, like there could ever be anything between them. There can't. There shouldn't. Chuuya needs to know that; why doesn't he? Dazai moves a hand to push him off, but it stills at Chuuya's shoulder.]

I'm telling you to take responsibility for what you did. [His voice is too harsh, which makes it clear that this is bothering him.]

[Dazai's tone is surprising. He doesn't usually let emotions into his voice, and when he does, it's usually a lie, a trick... but this? This is new, and Chuuya isn't sure how to react to it.]

It's one more thing you can use against me. You should be happy.

[He should keep pushing. Actually, he definitely shouldn't, it's definitely going to backfire, but he wants to know what would happen. He would have expected Dazai to laugh in his face by now, and it's weird that he's not, and it's almost making him think that maybe...

No. Definitely not.]

You want me to apologize? We never apologize.

[His stomach is twisted painfully. He really wants to run away, maybe take a shower as an excuse and wait there until Dazai leaves, like some fucking coward. He really fucked this up, and he knows he's doing a shit job of hiding his own fear right now.]

It was a lie anyway. Just to shut you up.

[The idea of Chuuya apologizing is truly disgusting, and Dazai makes it known with the expression on his face, utter disdain. It's at least a far cry better than the dull, uncaring look he's had for most of their encounter.]

Did I ask you to apologize? You've always been the absolute best at pissing me off.

[He should let it drop. Accept Chuuya's excuse of a lie. But it's not true, and what has happened is going to crawl under Dazai's skin and eat away at him. It already is; he's been grappling with what went down for far too long, drinking himself stupid and then some. He really had meant to jump from that bridge, too.]

You're a shitty liar, Chuuya. The only times I've 'believed' you were meant to save you face.

[Should Dazai be happy? Maybe. He could use this against Chuuya, certainly. But that's only useful if it doesn't needle Dazai the way it does. It's messing him up, ruining the perfectly-crafted narrative he's made for himself. He can't stand it.]

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