indensity | just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

[cw: torture.]

[Chuuya keeps glancing over at Dazai. He can see him through a glass window, some distance away, looking down at him. It's difficult to make out his expression from here. It's difficult to focus on him, but he has to make sure Dazai is still there, that they're not trying to trick him somehow. He can't even tell what's going on with him. If he's okay.

And his attention is drawn away again a split second later. A white hot rod is shoved against his side, burning his skin, making him scream and scream. He'd tried not to, at first. Not because he didn't want to give them the satisfaction - he's been tortured before, he knew it was inevitable - but because Dazai is there, and he doesn't want him to see, doesn't want him to know. But he's far beyond that point now. He has a broken arm, several broken ribs, they've punched him enough, he's bleeding badly in several places, and now they're getting creative. They're having fun. And Chuuya is just taking it, holding himself still for them as they come up with something new. When they pull the rod away again, when he's able to breathe and think, at least for a second, he wonders if they might be stopping his bleeding with this new method. They can cause him pain and keep him alive longer, all with one technique.

He's trying to keep his mind going as a distraction against the pain. It's really not working.

He's on his back on the floor, naked, breathing hard as they allow him a few seconds' break. They probably don't want him passing out, and he's relieved, because he needs to be ready. There are tears of pain in his eyes as he looks up at Dazai again, making sure he's there, and looking for a sign, any sign. He can't act until Dazai lets him know it's time. Dazai will figure something out, he always does, but --

Chuuya really hopes it's soon.

But even if it's not, he'll stay right where he is and take it. Because he can't risk them following through on their threat to kill Dazai if he doesn't cooperate. And there's no way Chuuya would reach him in time to save him from here.]

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[What's stupid is how relieved Chuuya is when Dazai grabs onto his collar. He really doesn't want to jump. He wants to keep having this argument even less, back and forth, yelling about how much they don't care, even though he knows they don't and they can't. He's not expecting anything here.

Except that he'd been willing to die for Dazai, slowly and painfully, and he's forced to acknowledge that about himself. He doesn't even regret his choice. He's going to have to live with that knowledge. He knows he should lie, say he wants Dazai to die here, but he hasn't been able to get those words out.

And Dazai just reached out for him.]

Why the hell do we have to fight right now?

[He says it quietly. He takes his eyes off the water, turns his head to face Dazai again instead. He's frowning.]

I just came to deliver a damn coat.

[They both know that's not why.]

[The problem with the fact that Chuuya is willing to die for Dazai--aside from the obvious--is that Dazai has to live with that knowledge, too. He supposes he's always suspected, but having it right there, physical evidence and all, is too much. Chuuya had almost died, just so Dazai wouldn't get shot in the head, and there had been no guarantee that they wouldn't have simply killed Dazai anyway.

Anyone dying for him is just too much. Dazai isn't worth it. He knows that, and he'd thought Chuuya knew that. If anyone is going to die, it's him, and... that's another problem. The fact that he's willing to die for Chuuya. Not that Dazai wouldn't die for anyone in the Agency, but this is different. He doesn't want to acknowledge what it means, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

Dazai frowns too.]

Get down from the railing.

[He didn't come to deliver a coat. If that were the case, he'd have tossed it at Dazai and left, or sent someone else to deliver it, or hell, he could have mailed the thing. It's not even Dazai's old coat, and he knows it.]

[Chuuya holds his gaze for a few moments longer, and then shifts his weight. One hand comes off the railing, landing on Dazai's shoulder instead, for balance, before he lifts his legs and simply spins around until he can hop back down onto the bridge. He'd made sure he's landed so that Dazai didn't have to let go of him, although he doesn't want to think about why that touch feels so important.

Now he has to tilt his head back to look at Dazai again, which is always annoying, but he minds less now than he normally would.]

Can we go somewhere else?

[He's starting to hate this bridge. And he's obviously not leaving Dazai here, so either they both leave together, or they're right back where they were, playing suicidal chicken, and sooner or later they'll both end up in the water.

And it really looks cold.]

I need a drink.

[There's a definite measure of relief when Chuuya is down off the railing, though Dazai doesn't let go just yet. When Chuuya tilts his head to look up, Dazai feels something he would rather not, and shuts it down immediately. He's about to tell Chuuya just how stupid he is--even though Dazai had been doing the exact same thing moments ago, but it's different--but the suggestion of going somewhere else and the word we makes him pause.

Of course Chuuya isn't going to leave him here alone. Dazai considers it for a moment, watching Chuuya with an unreadable expression. If he gets back up on the bridge, Chuuya is just going to do the same annoying thing, and Dazai doesn't feel like dealing with that again. And he does want a drink. ]

Fine.

[ He finally lets go, and bends to pick up the discarded coat. He might as well take it with him; he'll need a new one sooner or later, and this one's right here. ]

You're paying.

[If Dazai never let's go, then Chuuya might be okay with that. It's an annoying thought, and one he pushes away quickly. He's just been feeling so annoyingly lost and lonely, in a way that makes no sense for him, in a way that makes him weak... and that grip feels like it's got a more powerful hold on him than gravity.

He'll start walking, taking care to stay close enough that Dazai doesn't have to let go if he doesn't want to, hoping it's not too obvious.]

Fine.

[Money means nothing to him. And there's a bar not far from here where he knows that if they sit at a particular spot in the back, they'll be almost hidden from everyone else there. He doesn't think he could handle anyone else looking at him.]

Then I get to decide where we go.

[Dazai should let go. There's no reason to hold onto him, but he's still oddly hesitant about it; this is the first time they've seen each other since the incident. Maybe Dazai is still thinking too heavily about it. He doesn't want to be, but it's nearly impossible not to. He decides not to let go just yet.]

That's fine by me; I really don't care where we go.

[With bars, Dazai will go anywhere as long as they're within his price range and he hasn't been kicked out or otherwise labeled a nuisance. Chuuya's the one with more discerning taste, since he enjoys masquerading as someone high-class, so Dazai assumes it will be somewhere nice.

After a moment, unable to convince himself there's no reason he wants to keep holding onto Chuuya, Dazai finally lets go.]

Are we walking?

Yeah. It's not far.

[He doesn't like that Dazai let's go, but he definitely won't comment on it. That would make this too weird. And he won't reach out for him, either, so he'll shove his hands in his pockets as he walks next to him, glancing up at Dazai every few steps. He doesn't say anything else until they're safely off the bridge.

He doesn't trust Dazai not to try to jump again.]

You've sacrificed me before. It's something we've always known might happen.

[It's a bit cruel, maybe, but he doesn't get why Dazai's so upset now. To be fair, they never actually talked about it after that time he let Chuuya drown. He'd survived after all, it hadn't mattered, so he'd just tried his best to move on. He wouldn't have brought what happened up this time if he hadn't seen Dazai's face as he carried him away.]

All I'm saying is that it's fine.

[Dazai shoves his hands in his pockets, too, just for something to do with them. He doesn't like this feeling, this aggravating anxiety and frustration that he'd rather channel into something else, or avoid entirely. He doesn't like that Chuuya got the best of him here, either, and that he hadn't been able to just let him throw himself from the bridge. It's annoying. It's irritating. Dazai hates him.

And he hates that Chuuya brings that up. There's a difference; back then, it had been a plan. Back then, Dazai wasn't intending to actually get out alive, and he'd been in control; here, Chuuya made the decision on his own, and that's not something Dazai accepts.

He doesn't want to talk about that, either.]

I sacrificed you. You didn't sacrifice yourself.

[He's not even sure why that makes a difference, but it does. And so far, none of this is serving to better his mood, so wherever they're going had better have some strong drinks, or he's likely to simply leave and find something else to throw himself off of. Dazai feels like he's in a worse mood than he'd been in when he'd started.]

[Chuuya frowns, looking away now as he keeps walking. So that's what it's about - Dazai's need for control, for everything to go according to his plans. But he hadn't had a better plan this time, because Chuuya would have known if he did. They've never needed words to communicate with each other in moments like that. So it's all bullshit.

But... Dazai hadn't been willing to sacrifice Chuuya this time.]

I didn't sacrifice myself, asshole. I'm alive.

[He elbows Dazai in the side to make his point. It's not what he wants to do (he wants to grab him and -- ) but it will at least succeed in annoying Dazai.]

I'm not -- [Actually, elbowing him isn't enough. He grabs Dazai, throws him against the wall of the nearest building so he can try to pin him there.] I'm not letting you die. Got it? Ever.

[Dazai rolls his eyes like he always does. Chuuya’s reasoning is stupid—because clearly Dazai’s is a lot better—and that’s still not the point. Maybe Chuuya hadn’t sacrificed himself, but he’d been about to. Or he’d trusted Dazai so much that he just… let it happen, assuming Dazai would save him. And what if that hadn’t been the case? Is Chuuya stupid enough to think Dazai would be able to live with that?

The elbowing is too casual for this, like they’re debriefing after a mission that wasn’t really that difficult at all, because Dazai is too clever and Chuuya is too strong. Like the old days, and the memory of it makes Dazai uncomfortable, makes his scowl darker. He’s going to elbow back.

…Or at least, that’s the plan before the wind is knocked out of him, hard cold concrete at his back, and he’s immediately grabbing at Chuuya’s wrist in a form of muscle memory rather than any sort of self-preservation.]

You’re not letting me die? [Dazai’s laugh is far from amused.] That just makes me want to die a thousand times harder.

[Chuuya hooks a leg behind Dazai's ankle and yanks back. His intention of obvious - force Dazai down to Chuuya's level, where they can be face to face.]

Why? Because you think you can call my bluff?

[There's no humor in Chuuya's grin now, either. His eyes are too hard for that. He's exhausted from all of this, but the thought of backing down like usual hurts too much.]

You tried that. It didn't work. If I didn't let you die during... that -- [If there had been any doubt that what happened affected him, it's gone now, with the way he has to force that word out] -- then I won't next time, either.

[He hesitates, eyes dropping down for a second. And then he's pressing their lips together as hard as he can. They're in public and he doesn't care at all. All he cares about here is Dazai.]

[They've fought like this before, so it's not terribly surprising when Chuuya yanks Dazai down, his back sliding on the hard wall. The back of his head knocks against it--annoying--but this is... it's different than it usually is. Normally, there's banter, and Dazai egging Chuuya on. He's always the one coming out on top, even in situations like this, and Chuuya is rarely this serious. It's enough that whatever Dazai is thinking of saying doesn't quite reach the open air; it stays stuck in his throat, staring back at Chuuya.

He brings up the past. It's a habit of Chuuya's that Dazai absolutely hate; he's the one who is trying not to remember things that have happened, finding it useless to dwell on them. There are a few exceptions, but even then, most of his time is spent avoiding things he's experienced. Like that. He makes a noise through his teeth, annoyed. He wants to tell Chuuya to shut up, fuck off, leave him alone, because Dazai is in a mood, and this has just made it worse.]

You have no say in whether or not I die. [What even is this argument anymore? Dazai thinks he's lost the point. The point is that Chuuya shouldn't be the one gambling his life for one with such little value that-

The kiss is sudden and hard, bruising their lips, pressing Dazai's head back against the wall again. Yet another thing Chuuya is doing without permission, without asking; Dazai goes to push him away, but his hand stops at the collar of Chuuya's shirt, grabbing too tight. Dazai could push him away, pull him closer; instead, his hand stays where it is, as though undecided.]

[Chuuya is just going to keep kissing him. It cuts off anything else Dazai might have to say, and hopefully, maybe (doubtfully), it will get Chuuya's own point across. It doesn't matter. He wants to kiss him anyway.

He likes the way Dazai is making his collar dig into the back of his neck with that grip. It's too tight, as it should be, but it it makes him want to push Dazai further. He won't just yet, though. He steps closer, feeling the heat from Dazai's body all the way along his own, and he has to resist just pressing as tight as he can against him.

His kiss is more desperate than anything.]

Maybe I don't. But you can't stop me from fighting to keep you alive.

[Why the hell does Dazai have to mean so much to him. It would be so much easier if he didn't.]

[This isn't the reaction Dazai was expecting. When Chuuya slams him against a wall, usually it's with a knife in hand, or threats to break every bone in his body. Dazai thinks he might prefer those, because they don't do anything; they're reflexive, and they roll off Dazai as easily as they roll off Chuuya's tongue. This is different. This is warm, hard, too easy to fall into. It's a reminder of what's between them that Dazai wants to ignore, has wanted to ignore for years and years and years. Something that's crept up on him again with the panic of seeing Chuuya unexpectedly bleeding out because of him, because of something Dazai hadn't been in control of.

Feeling angry about it, Dazai bites. He bites at Chuuya's lips, hard, unrelenting grip on Chuuya's collar.]

I hate you. [Probably the shittiest lie Dazai has ever told.] You make absolutely no sense. Nothing you do makes sense.

[He's an enigma. Chuuya has been one since his inception, and no matter what, Dazai can't wrap his head around him. The fact that Chuuya persists in caring--despite what they both say--is yet another thing Dazai doesn't get. There's the warmth of another body pressing close to his, and it's familiar, moreso than anyone else, something that makes Dazai want to stay close and tear away all at once. Chuuya has always made him feel like that.]

Ah --

[He gasps at the bite, but he likes it. He hopes it bruises. He hopes it bleeds. He bites back, just as hard, and refuses to pull away even an inch.]

Guess you're not as smart as you think if you can't figure it out.

[Of course he cares. Dazai is the one person who gets him. Dazai has never demanded anything of him, has never counted on Chuuya to use himself as a trump card. When Dazai has suggested he use Corruption, it has always been with the option of going with another plan. Aside from those four years he was gone... He's always had Chuuya's back, in his own way, despite how much of a dick he can be otherwise.

He can't help how much he cares.

And right now he ~~needs~~ wants him. He's not over what happened, and he's not over the fact that he had to make his own way back after (he hadn't called for backup from his subordinates), but he'd been willing to give Dazai that much. He'd do it again. But Dazai can let him have this, so he kisses him again, not caring that the earlier bite means it hurts.]

[Dazai wants to bite more, wants to hurt, because it's the thing he knows how to do best. It's the thing he's been doing to Chuuya all these years, and it somehow still hasn't driven him away, and now here they are, Dazai's back up against a wall, bruising Chuuya's lips and seeing how much he's going to take before he realizes he doesn't want this. Because he shouldn't. Dazai doesn't want him to.

He bites again, but it's followed by the slide of his tongue, demanding Chuuya open his mouth because there's no way in hell Dazai is going to allow himself to get overwhelmed by Chuuya, of all people. And--he really should care that they're in public, that Chuuya is kissing him and insulting him and honestly, what the fuck is this, but-

He'd really almost died, and at the end of the day, as much as Dazai denies it even to himself, he cares. He'd been terrified, something Dazai is not used to having to deal with, watching Chuuya bleed out because of him. Years of doing whatever he wants have not seemed to make a difference at all in Chuuya's decision to protect him, and Dazai hates it. He hates it so much that he doesn't know what to do with it.]

[Of course Chuuya wants this. Dazai is doing everything that Chuuya wants him to now. The bite has him gasping, lips already parted when Dazai deepens the kiss, but he would have let him in anyway, would let Dazai do whatever he wants as long as he keeps this up. He presses up against him now, needy and no longer able to hold it back or even attempt to hide it.

He lets out a needy sound. They're in public, but he's pretty much forgot about that, and if people want to stare then it's not important. He's alive, they're both alive, and he's no longer alone. Dazai could never chase him away when this is the feeling he brings out in him. He's finally feeling warm.]

What the hell would it get me if I keep pretending I don't want this?

[He's tried it. It didn't work. And Dazai has known for a while anyway, even if they've both pretended not to acknowledge it. And other people - the Organization, his boss - he's not even thinking about them right now. They're not here, and besides, it's always been the two of them, hasn't it?]

[What would it get him? Something a lot better for him than Dazai. Chuuya shouldn't want him, and Dazai shouldn't want Chuuya; he's spent years desperately clawing for the exact opposite, pushing away what they'd managed to forge in their early years, trying to crack that misplaced trust that Chuuya still hangs onto. Why? Dazai wants to shake him, to demand Chuuya answer the question, to explain why he wants Dazai when nothing good has ever come of them knowing each other.

But the truth is that Dazai has never been able to fully sever the cord. He could have, and he knows it. He has it in him to be cruel, to hit Chuuya where it hurts the most, and yet all their fighting is utterly petty, something superficial that never truly strikes at the trust Chuuya still has for him. It's true that Dazai has done awful things, but at the end of the day...

At the end of the day, he doesn't want Chuuya to die. He doesn't want Chuuya to hurt, and that's why they can't do this. They shouldn't. Is Chuuya stupid, or does he just not care? And then there's the fact that deep down, Dazai knows this isn't for Chuuya's own good. He says it is, but... it's for him. He doesn't want to be the one responsible for the death of someone else he cares about, doesn't want to be the one who breaks Chuuya for good. And that's what he'll do. He knows it.]

What would it get you if you admitted it? [Dazai's body feels too warm, different from the cold fugue he's been wandering in up until now.] Nothing. It won't get either of us anything.

[There are so many things denying it would get Chuuya. Something better, at the core of it.]

[He wants to keep kissing. No, he wants to shut Dazai up, because he doesn't want him to argue. Chuuya doesn't have the energy to debate him when even saying as much as he already did felt like too much. He's feeling too vulnerable, but he's been feeling too vulnerable since what happened, and at least Dazai is --

He's always felt more grounded with him.]

Might get me laid.

[His tone is a bit defeated. He wants to keep fighting, but this is new territory, and he's already admitted what he needed to. Sure, he didn't say it outright, but... The thing is, he trusts Dazai, but not with his feelings. He doesn't trust anyone with those. He steps back.]

I'll buy you that drink.

[Dazai doesn't want Chuuya to step back. He doesn't want the space between them, but at the same time, he knows he should. This is something he's denied himself for years, and to hear Chuuya say it just like that, to have him shove Dazai up against a wall in public-]

No.

[He's not in the mood to go to a bar. To be surrounded by people and pretending things are normal. He's not in the mood to pretend his lips aren't bruising. But at the same time, he can't be here. And if Chuuya wants to get laid, then...]

You have wine at your apartment. [Dazai looks at Chuuya, measured. He's not saying anything other than a statement of fact. Chuuya is free to take this the way he wants to. Maybe it's true that Dazai is a coward, but he can't bring himself to say the things Chuuya does so blatantly--that he doesn't want Dazai to die, that he won't let him.

It's more than Dazai has ever been able to truthfully admit when it comes to Chuuya.]

[Chuuya looks surprised for a moment. He had expected Dazai to go along with Chuuya's suggestion, because it was an excuse to drop it, to get drunk somewhere public where they wouldn't be able to talk about it anyway. Chuuya doesn't really want to go to a bar, either, but he would have done it, for the excuse to stay close to Dazai.

But he doesn't comment. He just pulls out his phone, and starts ordering a cab, because they're too far from his apartment to walk.]

I have whisky, too.

[It's a relief. They can be alone. No one else will get to see Chuuya like this. He might just jump Dazai the second they reach his apartment, he thinks, because it might be the only way to shake off these feelings.]

[It's not like Chuuya needs to bribe Dazai to come; he's the one who had suggested it, more or less, but Dazai appreciates the effort of giving him a reason not to refuse. While they wait, he'll straighten his collar--just for something to do with his hands. And this is an unusual feeling; Dazai doesn't quite know what to say. Chuuya has displayed a lot of honesty, too much, and Dazai is still closed tight, unwilling or unable to say the sort of things Chuuya is able to blurt out.

It's frustrating. He hates it. There are things on the tip of his tongue, things he wants to yell at Chuuya, but Dazai just can't get himself to spit them out. So he doesn't, shrugging on the coat Chuuya brought, obviously new.]

How long?

[Dazai doesn't actually want to be in a cab. He feels like clawing out of his skin, and like being in an enclosed space with Chuuya and some other body might tip him over again, but there aren't any bridges for him to throw himself off of. But even if there were, he's not going to risk a repeat of what just happened.]

Just a couple of minutes.

[Chuuya doesn't know what else to say, either. He said too much, and he knows he made Dazai uncomfortable, but it's not like he can take it back. He could kiss him again, but with the cab that close they don't really have time to do it properly. So h ejust allows the silence to stretch out for a little bit, watching Dazai out of the corner of his eye in case he decides to do something stupid.

But the cab arrives quickly. Chuuya lets Dazai get in first, and then follows, giving his address to the driver. It won't be much more than a ten minute drive from here.]

I should toss you in the shower when we get there. You smell like shit, Dazai.

[Insults help, right? And they both look like shit so there's plenty to choose from.]

[Dazai, for once, doesn't do something stupid. He doesn't 'trip' in front of the cab, doesn't try to run. He's already resigned himself to going with Chuuya despite how on edge he feels after that kiss, after words that Chuuya isn't taking back even though Dazai wishes he would. It's too much honesty between them. It isn't supposed to be like this, but Chuuya has done something it will be hard to pull back from. And he doesn't give any indication he wants to.

Dazai climbs into the car anyway.]

Might as well have just let me jump off the bridge, then. A nice soak in the river would have taken care of it.

[But Dazai is aware he looks awful, and probably smells awful too. Stale alcohol and sweat. A shower might actually be nice, if he cared. They really both look terrible.]

[The distance between them in the cab feels like too much. He wants to press himself on top of Dazai again. He wants to make sure that he can't run. Instead he just gives him an unimpressed look, shoving those feelings down as best he can.]

River water smells, idiot. It's not clean.

[A shower would be really nice. It would warm him up, which he definitely needs, and really, Dazai isn't the only one who smells. Though he definitely smells a lot worse than Chuuya.]

Typical mackerel. Are you trying to scare people off with that smell?

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