indensity | just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

just bleeding out in the mouth of the devil

[cw: torture.]

[Chuuya keeps glancing over at Dazai. He can see him through a glass window, some distance away, looking down at him. It's difficult to make out his expression from here. It's difficult to focus on him, but he has to make sure Dazai is still there, that they're not trying to trick him somehow. He can't even tell what's going on with him. If he's okay.

And his attention is drawn away again a split second later. A white hot rod is shoved against his side, burning his skin, making him scream and scream. He'd tried not to, at first. Not because he didn't want to give them the satisfaction - he's been tortured before, he knew it was inevitable - but because Dazai is there, and he doesn't want him to see, doesn't want him to know. But he's far beyond that point now. He has a broken arm, several broken ribs, they've punched him enough, he's bleeding badly in several places, and now they're getting creative. They're having fun. And Chuuya is just taking it, holding himself still for them as they come up with something new. When they pull the rod away again, when he's able to breathe and think, at least for a second, he wonders if they might be stopping his bleeding with this new method. They can cause him pain and keep him alive longer, all with one technique.

He's trying to keep his mind going as a distraction against the pain. It's really not working.

He's on his back on the floor, naked, breathing hard as they allow him a few seconds' break. They probably don't want him passing out, and he's relieved, because he needs to be ready. There are tears of pain in his eyes as he looks up at Dazai again, making sure he's there, and looking for a sign, any sign. He can't act until Dazai lets him know it's time. Dazai will figure something out, he always does, but --

Chuuya really hopes it's soon.

But even if it's not, he'll stay right where he is and take it. Because he can't risk them following through on their threat to kill Dazai if he doesn't cooperate. And there's no way Chuuya would reach him in time to save him from here.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Chuuya frowns, looking away now as he keeps walking. So that's what it's about - Dazai's need for control, for everything to go according to his plans. But he hadn't had a better plan this time, because Chuuya would have known if he did. They've never needed words to communicate with each other in moments like that. So it's all bullshit.

But... Dazai hadn't been willing to sacrifice Chuuya this time.]

I didn't sacrifice myself, asshole. I'm alive.

[He elbows Dazai in the side to make his point. It's not what he wants to do (he wants to grab him and -- ) but it will at least succeed in annoying Dazai.]

I'm not -- [Actually, elbowing him isn't enough. He grabs Dazai, throws him against the wall of the nearest building so he can try to pin him there.] I'm not letting you die. Got it? Ever.

[Dazai rolls his eyes like he always does. Chuuya’s reasoning is stupid—because clearly Dazai’s is a lot better—and that’s still not the point. Maybe Chuuya hadn’t sacrificed himself, but he’d been about to. Or he’d trusted Dazai so much that he just… let it happen, assuming Dazai would save him. And what if that hadn’t been the case? Is Chuuya stupid enough to think Dazai would be able to live with that?

The elbowing is too casual for this, like they’re debriefing after a mission that wasn’t really that difficult at all, because Dazai is too clever and Chuuya is too strong. Like the old days, and the memory of it makes Dazai uncomfortable, makes his scowl darker. He’s going to elbow back.

…Or at least, that’s the plan before the wind is knocked out of him, hard cold concrete at his back, and he’s immediately grabbing at Chuuya’s wrist in a form of muscle memory rather than any sort of self-preservation.]

You’re not letting me die? [Dazai’s laugh is far from amused.] That just makes me want to die a thousand times harder.

[Chuuya hooks a leg behind Dazai's ankle and yanks back. His intention of obvious - force Dazai down to Chuuya's level, where they can be face to face.]

Why? Because you think you can call my bluff?

[There's no humor in Chuuya's grin now, either. His eyes are too hard for that. He's exhausted from all of this, but the thought of backing down like usual hurts too much.]

You tried that. It didn't work. If I didn't let you die during... that -- [If there had been any doubt that what happened affected him, it's gone now, with the way he has to force that word out] -- then I won't next time, either.

[He hesitates, eyes dropping down for a second. And then he's pressing their lips together as hard as he can. They're in public and he doesn't care at all. All he cares about here is Dazai.]

[They've fought like this before, so it's not terribly surprising when Chuuya yanks Dazai down, his back sliding on the hard wall. The back of his head knocks against it--annoying--but this is... it's different than it usually is. Normally, there's banter, and Dazai egging Chuuya on. He's always the one coming out on top, even in situations like this, and Chuuya is rarely this serious. It's enough that whatever Dazai is thinking of saying doesn't quite reach the open air; it stays stuck in his throat, staring back at Chuuya.

He brings up the past. It's a habit of Chuuya's that Dazai absolutely hate; he's the one who is trying not to remember things that have happened, finding it useless to dwell on them. There are a few exceptions, but even then, most of his time is spent avoiding things he's experienced. Like that. He makes a noise through his teeth, annoyed. He wants to tell Chuuya to shut up, fuck off, leave him alone, because Dazai is in a mood, and this has just made it worse.]

You have no say in whether or not I die. [What even is this argument anymore? Dazai thinks he's lost the point. The point is that Chuuya shouldn't be the one gambling his life for one with such little value that-

The kiss is sudden and hard, bruising their lips, pressing Dazai's head back against the wall again. Yet another thing Chuuya is doing without permission, without asking; Dazai goes to push him away, but his hand stops at the collar of Chuuya's shirt, grabbing too tight. Dazai could push him away, pull him closer; instead, his hand stays where it is, as though undecided.]

[Chuuya is just going to keep kissing him. It cuts off anything else Dazai might have to say, and hopefully, maybe (doubtfully), it will get Chuuya's own point across. It doesn't matter. He wants to kiss him anyway.

He likes the way Dazai is making his collar dig into the back of his neck with that grip. It's too tight, as it should be, but it it makes him want to push Dazai further. He won't just yet, though. He steps closer, feeling the heat from Dazai's body all the way along his own, and he has to resist just pressing as tight as he can against him.

His kiss is more desperate than anything.]

Maybe I don't. But you can't stop me from fighting to keep you alive.

[Why the hell does Dazai have to mean so much to him. It would be so much easier if he didn't.]

[This isn't the reaction Dazai was expecting. When Chuuya slams him against a wall, usually it's with a knife in hand, or threats to break every bone in his body. Dazai thinks he might prefer those, because they don't do anything; they're reflexive, and they roll off Dazai as easily as they roll off Chuuya's tongue. This is different. This is warm, hard, too easy to fall into. It's a reminder of what's between them that Dazai wants to ignore, has wanted to ignore for years and years and years. Something that's crept up on him again with the panic of seeing Chuuya unexpectedly bleeding out because of him, because of something Dazai hadn't been in control of.

Feeling angry about it, Dazai bites. He bites at Chuuya's lips, hard, unrelenting grip on Chuuya's collar.]

I hate you. [Probably the shittiest lie Dazai has ever told.] You make absolutely no sense. Nothing you do makes sense.

[He's an enigma. Chuuya has been one since his inception, and no matter what, Dazai can't wrap his head around him. The fact that Chuuya persists in caring--despite what they both say--is yet another thing Dazai doesn't get. There's the warmth of another body pressing close to his, and it's familiar, moreso than anyone else, something that makes Dazai want to stay close and tear away all at once. Chuuya has always made him feel like that.]

Ah --

[He gasps at the bite, but he likes it. He hopes it bruises. He hopes it bleeds. He bites back, just as hard, and refuses to pull away even an inch.]

Guess you're not as smart as you think if you can't figure it out.

[Of course he cares. Dazai is the one person who gets him. Dazai has never demanded anything of him, has never counted on Chuuya to use himself as a trump card. When Dazai has suggested he use Corruption, it has always been with the option of going with another plan. Aside from those four years he was gone... He's always had Chuuya's back, in his own way, despite how much of a dick he can be otherwise.

He can't help how much he cares.

And right now he ~~needs~~ wants him. He's not over what happened, and he's not over the fact that he had to make his own way back after (he hadn't called for backup from his subordinates), but he'd been willing to give Dazai that much. He'd do it again. But Dazai can let him have this, so he kisses him again, not caring that the earlier bite means it hurts.]

[Dazai wants to bite more, wants to hurt, because it's the thing he knows how to do best. It's the thing he's been doing to Chuuya all these years, and it somehow still hasn't driven him away, and now here they are, Dazai's back up against a wall, bruising Chuuya's lips and seeing how much he's going to take before he realizes he doesn't want this. Because he shouldn't. Dazai doesn't want him to.

He bites again, but it's followed by the slide of his tongue, demanding Chuuya open his mouth because there's no way in hell Dazai is going to allow himself to get overwhelmed by Chuuya, of all people. And--he really should care that they're in public, that Chuuya is kissing him and insulting him and honestly, what the fuck is this, but-

He'd really almost died, and at the end of the day, as much as Dazai denies it even to himself, he cares. He'd been terrified, something Dazai is not used to having to deal with, watching Chuuya bleed out because of him. Years of doing whatever he wants have not seemed to make a difference at all in Chuuya's decision to protect him, and Dazai hates it. He hates it so much that he doesn't know what to do with it.]

[Of course Chuuya wants this. Dazai is doing everything that Chuuya wants him to now. The bite has him gasping, lips already parted when Dazai deepens the kiss, but he would have let him in anyway, would let Dazai do whatever he wants as long as he keeps this up. He presses up against him now, needy and no longer able to hold it back or even attempt to hide it.

He lets out a needy sound. They're in public, but he's pretty much forgot about that, and if people want to stare then it's not important. He's alive, they're both alive, and he's no longer alone. Dazai could never chase him away when this is the feeling he brings out in him. He's finally feeling warm.]

What the hell would it get me if I keep pretending I don't want this?

[He's tried it. It didn't work. And Dazai has known for a while anyway, even if they've both pretended not to acknowledge it. And other people - the Organization, his boss - he's not even thinking about them right now. They're not here, and besides, it's always been the two of them, hasn't it?]

[What would it get him? Something a lot better for him than Dazai. Chuuya shouldn't want him, and Dazai shouldn't want Chuuya; he's spent years desperately clawing for the exact opposite, pushing away what they'd managed to forge in their early years, trying to crack that misplaced trust that Chuuya still hangs onto. Why? Dazai wants to shake him, to demand Chuuya answer the question, to explain why he wants Dazai when nothing good has ever come of them knowing each other.

But the truth is that Dazai has never been able to fully sever the cord. He could have, and he knows it. He has it in him to be cruel, to hit Chuuya where it hurts the most, and yet all their fighting is utterly petty, something superficial that never truly strikes at the trust Chuuya still has for him. It's true that Dazai has done awful things, but at the end of the day...

At the end of the day, he doesn't want Chuuya to die. He doesn't want Chuuya to hurt, and that's why they can't do this. They shouldn't. Is Chuuya stupid, or does he just not care? And then there's the fact that deep down, Dazai knows this isn't for Chuuya's own good. He says it is, but... it's for him. He doesn't want to be the one responsible for the death of someone else he cares about, doesn't want to be the one who breaks Chuuya for good. And that's what he'll do. He knows it.]

What would it get you if you admitted it? [Dazai's body feels too warm, different from the cold fugue he's been wandering in up until now.] Nothing. It won't get either of us anything.

[There are so many things denying it would get Chuuya. Something better, at the core of it.]

[He wants to keep kissing. No, he wants to shut Dazai up, because he doesn't want him to argue. Chuuya doesn't have the energy to debate him when even saying as much as he already did felt like too much. He's feeling too vulnerable, but he's been feeling too vulnerable since what happened, and at least Dazai is --

He's always felt more grounded with him.]

Might get me laid.

[His tone is a bit defeated. He wants to keep fighting, but this is new territory, and he's already admitted what he needed to. Sure, he didn't say it outright, but... The thing is, he trusts Dazai, but not with his feelings. He doesn't trust anyone with those. He steps back.]

I'll buy you that drink.

[Dazai doesn't want Chuuya to step back. He doesn't want the space between them, but at the same time, he knows he should. This is something he's denied himself for years, and to hear Chuuya say it just like that, to have him shove Dazai up against a wall in public-]

No.

[He's not in the mood to go to a bar. To be surrounded by people and pretending things are normal. He's not in the mood to pretend his lips aren't bruising. But at the same time, he can't be here. And if Chuuya wants to get laid, then...]

You have wine at your apartment. [Dazai looks at Chuuya, measured. He's not saying anything other than a statement of fact. Chuuya is free to take this the way he wants to. Maybe it's true that Dazai is a coward, but he can't bring himself to say the things Chuuya does so blatantly--that he doesn't want Dazai to die, that he won't let him.

It's more than Dazai has ever been able to truthfully admit when it comes to Chuuya.]

[Chuuya looks surprised for a moment. He had expected Dazai to go along with Chuuya's suggestion, because it was an excuse to drop it, to get drunk somewhere public where they wouldn't be able to talk about it anyway. Chuuya doesn't really want to go to a bar, either, but he would have done it, for the excuse to stay close to Dazai.

But he doesn't comment. He just pulls out his phone, and starts ordering a cab, because they're too far from his apartment to walk.]

I have whisky, too.

[It's a relief. They can be alone. No one else will get to see Chuuya like this. He might just jump Dazai the second they reach his apartment, he thinks, because it might be the only way to shake off these feelings.]

[It's not like Chuuya needs to bribe Dazai to come; he's the one who had suggested it, more or less, but Dazai appreciates the effort of giving him a reason not to refuse. While they wait, he'll straighten his collar--just for something to do with his hands. And this is an unusual feeling; Dazai doesn't quite know what to say. Chuuya has displayed a lot of honesty, too much, and Dazai is still closed tight, unwilling or unable to say the sort of things Chuuya is able to blurt out.

It's frustrating. He hates it. There are things on the tip of his tongue, things he wants to yell at Chuuya, but Dazai just can't get himself to spit them out. So he doesn't, shrugging on the coat Chuuya brought, obviously new.]

How long?

[Dazai doesn't actually want to be in a cab. He feels like clawing out of his skin, and like being in an enclosed space with Chuuya and some other body might tip him over again, but there aren't any bridges for him to throw himself off of. But even if there were, he's not going to risk a repeat of what just happened.]

Just a couple of minutes.

[Chuuya doesn't know what else to say, either. He said too much, and he knows he made Dazai uncomfortable, but it's not like he can take it back. He could kiss him again, but with the cab that close they don't really have time to do it properly. So h ejust allows the silence to stretch out for a little bit, watching Dazai out of the corner of his eye in case he decides to do something stupid.

But the cab arrives quickly. Chuuya lets Dazai get in first, and then follows, giving his address to the driver. It won't be much more than a ten minute drive from here.]

I should toss you in the shower when we get there. You smell like shit, Dazai.

[Insults help, right? And they both look like shit so there's plenty to choose from.]

[Dazai, for once, doesn't do something stupid. He doesn't 'trip' in front of the cab, doesn't try to run. He's already resigned himself to going with Chuuya despite how on edge he feels after that kiss, after words that Chuuya isn't taking back even though Dazai wishes he would. It's too much honesty between them. It isn't supposed to be like this, but Chuuya has done something it will be hard to pull back from. And he doesn't give any indication he wants to.

Dazai climbs into the car anyway.]

Might as well have just let me jump off the bridge, then. A nice soak in the river would have taken care of it.

[But Dazai is aware he looks awful, and probably smells awful too. Stale alcohol and sweat. A shower might actually be nice, if he cared. They really both look terrible.]

[The distance between them in the cab feels like too much. He wants to press himself on top of Dazai again. He wants to make sure that he can't run. Instead he just gives him an unimpressed look, shoving those feelings down as best he can.]

River water smells, idiot. It's not clean.

[A shower would be really nice. It would warm him up, which he definitely needs, and really, Dazai isn't the only one who smells. Though he definitely smells a lot worse than Chuuya.]

Typical mackerel. Are you trying to scare people off with that smell?

[Dazai definitely has jumped from moving vehicles before--both out of necessity and because he wanted to--but he doesn't plan on it this time. If he wanted to run, which he still sort of does, he would have done it before agreeing to get into a cab with Chuuya, before suggesting they go back to his place. This whole air between them is weird, and Dazai finds himself distressingly restless because of it.]

If I was trying to scare people off, I'd have been rid of you a long time ago.

[Chuuya is just spouting typical insults, irrelevant to the matter at hand, but if scaring people off worked, then this would have worked out far better for him. Chuuya would have left him alone. He wouldn't have ended up almost dying because he trusted Dazai to get them out of that situation--or because he didn't want to see Dazai get a bullet in the head.

They'd both have been better off if he'd just let it happen, but Dazai doubts saying so is going to get him anywhere, and he doesn't really want to keep thinking about that. He's relived it in his head often enough since.]

[The tension feels almost unbearable. It's wrong/i>. Because it's a type of tension that's never really existed between the two of them, not when they've been fighting since the second they met, angrily lashing out, insulting each other, a constant release of anything that could have become this. And right now the insults are not working.

Chuuya knows it's his fault. But it's not like taking it back would work at this point.]

I never had a choice about putting up with you. That's the only reason you're not rid of me.

[A pretty shitty lie, considering his confession earlier. It had felt invitable in the moment, but he's definitely starting to regret it now. He might have fucked this up completely.]

At least you're not living in an actual garbage dump anymore.

[No, taking it back wouldn't work. Dazai could pretend to forget, but it would eat away at him like it is now, and he'd do something stupid. Something impulsive, lashing out and ruining things he thinks he doesn't deserve. It would be bad--it's already bad right now. He wants to do something stupid. He wants to throw himself from that bridge, but they're driving away from it.

Chuuya lies. He says he doesn't have a choice--and that might have been the case in the past, but they both know that's not what it is here. If Chuuya wanted to be rid of Dazai, he wouldn't have panicked about the bridge. He wouldn't be going out of his way to make sure Dazai doesn't do something intentionally dangerous.

And even if that weren't what happened... Chuuya's words have ruined any front they've put up over the years.]

You're right, I'm not. I've moved up in the world. An ordinary apartment and soap.

[Granted, it's a bit of a dump right now. Maybe if Dazai pulls himself out of this mood, he'll clean.]

[Nothing seems to be breaking the tension. It's frustrating, even though Chuuya had expected it. He's broken just about every rule for how to deal with Dazai, after all. At least they'll get to his apartment soon, because having this conversation with a stranger in the front seat is nearly unbeareable. It's a relief to notice they're turning onto familiar streets.]

I'll believe the soap when I see it.

[He'll have to lay a strategy for how to fix this. No, he really just wants to kiss Dazai again. Grab him by the front of his clothes, drag him into his apartment, and press himself up against him. That's not a helpful thought. He glances away.]

Are you hungry? I don't have food.

[Dazai already knows Chuuya doesn't have food in his apartment.]

[Dazai is behaving, honestly. He's not trying to wrench open the car door, he's not threatening to kick Chuuya out. And perhaps that's more uncomfortable than when he doesn't behave, because that's normal for him, not this cool, tense distance that he wants to both maintain and break. He won't let himself do anything yet.]

I'm not hungry.

[Of course Chuuya doesn't have food. Dazai has been to his place plenty enough to know this. And Dazai probably should be hungry--he can't remember the last time he ate--but he simply isn't. Nothing seems appealing, particularly not with this gnawing feeling in his stomach that he's doing something very, very bad. It's certainly not guilt, because Dazai hasn't felt that for a long time. Maybe dread. Maybe the knowledge that he's breaking his own rules, that this can only end badly and yet, he's still going along with it.

That's what he's doing. He knows that once he gets inside that apartment, there's not going to be an easy way to deny it. And this sort of thing is something you can't simply go back on, to pretend it didn't happen, because he's spent years already doing that.

God, he really wants out of this car.]

[Chuuya isn't hungry, either. It's another thing they have in common, they tend to skip meals when they're too stressed, or have too much on their minds. Chuuya at least usually forces down a protein shake if he doesn't have it in him to eat an actual meal, but right now, food would only have been a priority for him if Dazai needed it. It can wait.

The cab arrives outside of Chuuya's building, and Chuuya watches Dazai out of the corner of his eye as he pays the fare befor eclimbing out of the car. He doubts Dazai would run away now, but he's too on edge, and he won't be able to relax until they're safely in his apartment.

And he doesn't know what else to say until they are. He'll walk quietly, unlocking the front door for them, then shoves his hands in his pockets as they wait for the elevator to take them up. It feels like it's taking five times as long as usual, and he doesn't know what to do with his hands, until --

The elevator doors open, and Chuuya drags Dazai inside, shoves him up against a wall, and kisses him.]

[Dazai does consider running away, but he knows he wouldn't get far, and it's not going to do anything to dispel what has already gone down between them. He knows it's something he can't avoid because they always, always seem to find their way back to each other, and he hates it. Hands shove deep in his pockets, just for something to do with them, until Chuuya walks forward, and Dazai follows.

This is one of the rare times he's actually entering the building properly. Usually, Dazai will sneak his way in, which allows him the excuse that Chuuya doesn't actually want him in the apartment, but now... he's being invited, and going willingly, and that's another thing he hates. God, if there were an open window-

The elevator doors open, and Dazai doesn't protest about being dragged inside. He doesn't have the time even if he wanted to, because his back is against a wall again, Chuuya's lips on his, and Dazai doesn't pull away.

He could. He tells himself he could, but doesn't know if that makes it worse because it means he doesn't want to. Chuuya's lips are warm; the kiss is harsh, pressed against already bruised lips. He shouldn't kiss back, but he is, pushing into it with just as much force, because Dazai can't ever let Chuuya best him, even when it's something he knows he definitely shouldn't do.]

[Being kissed back helps. Chuuya is freaking out, and trying to push it down, fight it off, ignore it and keep going like they have been, pretend none of that happened. At least Dazai still wants this, and that's a good sign. At least they're still kissing, harsh and desperate, Chuuya switching from holding Dazai against the wall to just holding onto him.

The elevator dings, only seconds later, already having brought them to the top floor. Chuuya reluctantly pulls away so he can go punch in the code to his apartment.]

What do you want to drink?

[He's not actually in the mood to drink. He's exhausted. He's been exhausted for a while, since he's barely been able to sleep since... that. At least he's incapable of having nightmares. But drinking should help, and at least it's a distraction from what's going on now.]

I'm gonna make coffee and just add whiskey or something to that. Actually, I might have some irish cream left.

[Screw sleep.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject