[And a choice reply it would have been, too, but thankfully Chuuya expertly cuts off that tale of horror before it even begins.
The benefit of Chuuya drinking the barely-even-coffee is that Dazai's lips won't taste toxically sweet from that very same drink after that.]
... If not coffee, then what else could have given it this lovely, soft shade of brown?
[No, you really don't want to know the answer to that! But thankfully they are here and not at home, so whatever thought crimes Dazai is committing can only have taken place in his mind. It really is only coffee in there... somewhere, deep inside.]
I left you some coffee for the machine, so Chuuya can have his usual black-as-his-heart coffee. [Says the man who has no heart, but whatever. It's just banter anyway, nothing too serious.
That doesn't quite let him ignore the issue at hand though. It's probably more honest to talk about the elephant-slug in the room, after all.] ... Any plans for today?
[Just asking. Very casually. Clearly he doesn't care.]
[Chuuya actually stops in his tracks, and almost considers going back to double check that mug, so he can figure out exactly what it was he just drank. He considers checking the coffee maker for tampering, too. But... It's too early in the morning. He's risking it. Dazai probably hasn't bothered to try anything.
He makes his coffee, and takes a relieved sip when it smells completely normal. This should help him feel a bit more awake.]
I don't wanna think about what gave that coffee and your heart that brown color.
[Since they're talking about hearts and all. Chuuya walks back to sit down next to Dazai.]
If you're asking like that, then you already know.
[He can only stay away for so long before being destroyed by guilt and worry.]
[Clearly Dazai's heart is made of delicious chocolate! ... Or not, but it's not really worth continuing the banter at this point, anyway. It already felt a little forced, but it's taking time to adjust to this shift in their relationship, no matter how tiny it is. Thinking about it, Dazai has to wonder if there's even been any change at all, really, and perhaps the thought that there may not have been is scarier than anything.
Well, there's been a change in Chuuya, anyway. Good or bad, when it comes to Chuuya, Dazai knows better than to try changing anything back. (Maybe that thought is more of a relief than he cares to admit.)]
Ahhhhhh... [Utter disappointment. Yes, of course he already knew. But still!] I was really hoping this all-expenses-paid vacation would last a bit longer.
[That is definitely not the part of their little "outing" he's going to miss, but, you know... Let him complain about the little things, that makes it easier to ignore the big ones.]
[It makes him weirdly happy when Dazai whines about the vacation being over, even if it's the same way he always whines at the idea of returning to work. Because it's the same, but also not the same. Or maybe he's imagining it.
It's definitely more complicated, at least.]
That's probably fulfilling a lot of fantasies for you, huh. Getting to be a lazy sugarbaby.
[Listen, banter is the best distraction. Much better than actually talking about serious things. Even if they have to.]
But they have to be pretty pissed off at you at that agency, too.
[A simple confession, utterly shameless. It may not be much of a kink, but yes, he would enjoy a life as a lazy sugarbaby, actually, since he has to suffer life at all! The real question is: what idiot wouldn't enjoy such a life? (Dazai knows what idiot. He's looking at him.)
Dazai lets out an actual, wordless whine as he leans forward, hands covering his coffee mug so he can rest his chin on them. The warmth on his palms is pretty nice, unlike the topic of conversation.]
That's true, but...
[Nah, it's just true; no buts about it. All whining aside, he doesn't actually mind going back. But something about ending his mini get-away (i.e. a get-away with his mini partner) still feels extremely disappointing.]
Next time we should leave the country. It wouldn't be too hard to disappear.
[He doesn't actually want that; neither of them do, he's sure. But if they weren't stuck in their respective lives, busy with all those important things... wouldn't that be the best possible scenario? (No, not even then, really. But let him indulge in this fantasy. He doesn't do that a whole lot.)]
He knows Dazai isn't really serious. If Dazai had wanted to leave the ADA that badly, he would have just left, and he hasn't. And Chuuya does love the Port Mafia, even if what he has with Dazai is by every definition a betrayal of that loyalty. But he does have something with Dazai.
And Dazai said that so casually. Maybe he wasn't serious, but Chuuya knows him, and he wasn't not serious, either. And disappearing together is more than just an overseas vacation.
He really needs to say something. Dazai is going to tease him for reacting so strongly to something that should probably be obvious by now. They already had that conversation days ago. They already stopped pretending that their relationship is something it's not. Or that it's not something it always was, maybe. Either way, it shouldn't be surprising, and he's being an idiot, but he can't get a coherent thought past the way his heart is beating in his chest. He couldn't even explain why he's reacting like this.]
Yeah, why not.
[He has to clear his throat to say it, so he quickly drinks some more coffee. But he won't qualify that answer with anything. He could. He could say "if everything blows up in our faces back in Yokohama" or "for an actual planned vacation next time," but he doesn't feel the need.]
There's enough money in that account I gave you the details for back when I tied you up. Neither of us would have to work if we didn't want to.
[And he knows without asking that Dazai has his own emergency funds stored away. Chuuya's account is as close to untraceable as anything can be, and Dazai's accounts will be well beyond that, so disappearing wouldn't be a problem. If that's what they wanted.]
[While Dazai wasn't not being serious, he still didn't expect Chuuya to take his "suggestion" so seriously, either. Now it's his turn to stare at Chuuya in surprise... even though he very deliberately remains perched on his coffee mug. The fact that he has to tilt his head to look at Chuuya this way is definitely an excuse for why he looks surprised, if he does; clearly that's all in Chuuya's head!
Really, though... For Chuuya to entertain the idea even semi-seriously, his priorities when it comes to their definitely-not-relationship are clearly a lot different than what Dazai had assumed - and he thought he'd already assumed quite a lot!]
True. [They do have enough money; more than enough money. But that was never the issue, was it?] But don't you want to work?
[Dazai, of course, has his reasons for staying too, but being on the side of good can take many forms; he's not technically bound to the Agency, even though he likes it there well enough. For Chuuya, however, it's very different.
[He keeps surprising Dazai lately, doesn't he? He really should mark that in a calendar. Except he's a bit too distracted, realizing that now he's actually going to have to give this actual thought.]
Of course I do.
[He really does love working. The paperwork aspect of mafia business isn't his favorite, but knowing that he's contributing to the Organization, that the Organization is strong enough to take care of his subordinates... He takes a lot of pride in that. He's building something for other people, and, by extension he's even keeping the city safe. He'd hate feeling useless if he wasn't working.
But.]
... Is that all I can want?
[Absently, he reaches up to adjust his collar, sliding it so the latch sits right in front of his throat, then running his finger along the leather. He's been wearing that collar for a long time now.]
I know that if I want something, I have to be prepared for what I might lose in return.
[He says it casually, even though it's anything but.]
[Dazai eventually straightens up again, rubbing a finger along the edge of the mug just to have something to do as he thinks. Chuuya is important to the mafia, yes, but the mafia would survive without him; it's not that weak an organization. Would Chuuya survive without the mafia, though? Not just because Chuuya enjoys work, either; Mori can't take kindly to people leaving the organization, for obvious practical reasons.]
Like your life?
[He really shouldn't have brought that up; they both know what they're dealing with. It's a cheap shot, pure cowardice from his end. It doesn't mean he isn't considering all options anyway, but his concern here is not unreasonable, he thinks.]
That seems like a steep price to pay.
[He really doesn't want to lose someone else he cares about to mafia cruelty, even if he is far crueler than the mafia, himself.
Mostly because, if Mori kills Chuuya, then Dazai will have to kill Mori, and he'll have to take over the mafia himself, and he doesn't want to do that kind of hard work, clearly.]
[And he's prepared for that. Dazai is a potential threat, and being involved with him makes Chuuya a liability as well. There was always a chance Mori would prefer just to get rid of him, even without Chuuya trying to leave the mafia. That was part of the reason Chuuya gave Dazai access to that account in the first place, so that Dazai would have what he needed to keep himself and his agency safe if this all blew up in Chuuya's face.
But also in case Chuuya might need it himself. Dazai could make sure Mori wouldn't be able to trace it for him, if he had to disappear. Even if he'd thought disappearing would mean being on his own after that.]
But I'm not exactly easy to kill.
[It takes more than just a poisoned knife and an execution-style firing squad, though Mori is a lot better at this than the Sheep ever were. The real problem would be making sure Chuuya's death seemed justified, so that no one questions the decision (or make sure the blame is placed on someone else), and then to make sure the Port Mafia isn't vulnerable to an outside attack in the aftermath.]
I'm not someone who'd just roll over and die, either. But... I made a promise to myself a long time ago.
[That's true, isn't it... Chuuya does know the risks, and he isn't easy to kill. So why does Dazai still not like the direction this conversation is taking?
Well, because he's always known that Chuuya will risk anything for others, and not care about himself. And because Chuuya may not be easy to kill, but he sure isn't difficult to target, either. Isn't it just a matter of time before someone gets to Chuuya in a permanent way, whatever form that may take? It's stupid, and Dazai hates that.
Or maybe he just hates how inevitable that has always been, how he'll never be able to save Chuuya from himself. It's funny, actually... Dazai never really thought he'd want to save Chuuya from himself - not for the sake of it - until now.]
You do that quite a lot.
[Making promises to himself. It's not quite a complaint, but it's not the semi-neutral observation that Dazai wanted it to be, either.
At least it will hopefully let him get out of asking.]
[Dazai's tone and expression are fairly easy to read, for once: He's not happy about where Chuuya is taking this conversation. And that's not what Chuuya had wanted... It's not what he'd meant for his point to be, either, with what he's saying, but the thing is, he's not really sure that Dazai is actually wrong. He lets go of his collar just so he can rub at the back of his neck instead.]
And you're gonna say I don't keep those promises.
[And maybe he doesn't. Maybe that was the point of this. Either way, might as well finish explaining, so Dazai can make his judgment and then call him out.]
Whatever. I decided forever ago that - even if I didn't know what I was, even if I wasn't human, if I was just a seal holding back power - I was the one living in this body. I was claiming that body and this life for myself.
[He'd continued to struggle with that for a long time anyway. His conviction still hadn't been very strong, even after he'd made himself that promise, especially during his first year in the Port Mafia. But by the time he became an executive, by the time Mori told him he'd located Chuuya's biological parents, being a "real" human had mattered less. Verlaine is human; Adam might be an android, but he is also a real person. Doubting himself would have meant doubting them (and he can doubt Verlaine, but not about that).
But he's still pretty sure Dazai will say he's not keeping his own promise. He glances away, out the window, not really seeing the view.]
But if this life and this body is my own, then I can't... I can't pretend I don't want the things I do, either, right? [There's definitely some doubt leaking through, but he forces it down.] Even if I'm risking everything. I can't let other people decide what my life should be.
[He glances back at Dazai again, a barely-there smile as he meets his eyes. He can't pretend he doesn't want Dazai. This is about Chuuya, and his own decisions about himself, but Dazai isn't exactly separate from it all.]
[That's a bit more than Dazai expected Chuuya to say, or say while meaning it; it's certainly more than Dazai expected Chuuya to believe about himself, and in himself, and... honestly, that makes Dazai a little happy for Chuuya's sake.
Only after it all does Dazai finally react to Chuuya's initial comment, his voice very gentle as he looks right back at Chuuya. He doesn't, for the moment, return Chuuya's smile, but that's only because smiles can be a tool, and Dazai doesn't feel like using those right now. It doesn't mean his sentiment is any less soft.]
... I wasn't going to say that at all, you know.
[Chuuya not keeping his promises? That's absurd! If anything, Chuuya is going to kill himself trying to keep his promises. That he hasn't already - albeit with promises to other people, rather than himself - is nothing short of a miracle.
It's a little scary, feeling even a shred of happiness; it's certainly scary to see Chuuya grow (emotionally!) and be forced to keep up. But it's fine, probably. Stagnation is rather boring, after all.]
Ahhhhh, it can't be helped, then! [Back with the theatrics, because how else is he supposed to deal with this, honestly?] I suppose it's about time for Chuuya to take a sabbatical. That seven-year itch is supposed to be a real pain!
[Dazai isn't the only one who can't deal with this. It got a little too serious, and now he's doubting himself, and the theatrics are a relief.]
You're just jumping on the first excuse to avoid work even longer.
[Obviously. When isn't Dazai finding excuses to avoid work?
Chuuya doesn't think he deserves that much credit for his so called emotional growth, though. But he's known for a while that being with Dazai was going to become a problem, and the only way to avoid it would be to end things. And it wasn't just that Dazai is too important for him to lose again (it's also that Dazai is too important to him), but he hadn't really been able to pinpoint why that bothered him so much. Not for a while, at least.]
You're really not worried about pissing off that agency with any of this, are you?
[With avoiding work. With not-not-dating an enemy.]
[Clearly Dazai is only ever looking to avoid work! That only makes sense!! But also: if that's the excuse that's going to make this a little easier for both of them to consider seriously, then he'll lean into it even more, if he has to. ... Somehow, it's kind of nice that he doesn't think he has to.]
Should I be? [Why should he care about pissing off the ADA? He appreciates them for taking him in when he needed a place to stay, and he likes most of them on a personal level (in so far as he considers himself capable of that), but in the end, he's still his own person before he is a part of any group. Besides, he's frankly not sure how much he's ever counted as a part of anything. He's fundamentally different from others, after all.
The funny thing is, he's arguably even more different from Chuuya, and yet they also fit together the best. Truly, the world is a strange place!]
... But they won't mind. They're good people... I suspect they'll genuinely want me to do what's best for me. If I tell them ahead of time, they'll even throw me a farewell party!
[Yeah, no, he's definitely not telling. Not only are there risks involved, but he doesn't want that party to happen. He'll just write Fukuzawa a letter, and maybe have a gentle chat with Atsushi. That's enough.]
[No excuses needed. At least, not from Dazai, though Chuuya will need some sort of excuse for when the guilt inevitably starts creeping in. There's no other way to see this conversations other than as a betrayal, right?
But for now, the fact that Dazai would even consider something like this with him has him distracted. He's not sure what exactly he's feeling, but he likes it.]
I mean, you chose to join them for a reason, right?
[Even if Dazai doesn't care (and Chuuya knows he does, in his own way), it might get in the way of his plans, whatever those are. Chuuya rarely asks, and Dazai rarely answers if he does, but he knows they're important. And it's a more straightforward train of thought than what Dazai says next.
Chuuya blinks.]
Just like that?
[His first thought is that it sounds lonely. A group proves its connections by the way it protects its members, and someone leaving could be a sign of weakness. Except that Chuuya has seen how the ADA fight for each other, how far they're willing to go, how strong they are. They've more than earned his respect in that regard.]
Genuinely good...? [He says that more to himself than as a question.] Well, if they think fucking a Port Mafia executive is what's best for you, at least that's one less thing to worry about.
I did pick them for a reason. But what I did there, I can do anywhere.
[Honestly, Dazai's options, when he needed to find a new place for himself, were exceedingly limited. When it came to local enterprises in particular, and further refining that with organizations that would allow him some freedom, the Agency had definitely been the only way. That doesn't mean that it was a bad time at all: it was pretty enjoyable, and Dazai is genuinely fond of most of the people there. It's a happy collection of strange individuals!
But Dazai has never been a part of any group other than superficially: he just doesn't have it in him. There was, very briefly, that group of three people where he almost thought otherwise, but clearly that was all in his imagination. And that's fine! You live, you learn. You lose, you live on.
This, though? It's more than funny: it's hilarious. Not that the whole Agency knows about Dazai's sex life (... some members definitely do), but "fucking a Port Mafia executive" honestly sounds like a curse they would stick on Dazai, and he chuckles, just barely, in entertainment.]
It certainly seems like something they'd wish on me!
["Go fuck a Port Mafia executive!" definitely feels on the same level as "go fuck yourself with a rusty fork!"]
[It is a pretty good curse to yell after someone. And Chuuya has always liked being seen as a threat. He turns more towards Dazai, and smiles the way he does at enemies.]
So even those people know what you deserve.
[Even if Chuuya is arguably not making Dazai's life worse, considering how much he's been spoiling him. But thinking about that ruins the joke, even if he's not actually sure the joke is a good one, if they stopped to think about it. But then, they've always agreed that the bad jokes are usually the best ones, so it's not important.
He just has about a million questions now, and he's not sure he should be asking.]
When it comes to what I deserve, I'm sure they have a very different view of how things should go between us.
[He means the majority of the Agency would probably think Dazai deserves to be lightly tortured and/or fucked by the mafia, not the other way around. The only deserving that Dazai does isn't usually good, after all!
Oh well, perhaps he's underestimating them. They are good people, after all.]
That's a really long story... [Which may or may not seem like he intends to brush off the question, but he doesn't. Instead, he continues replying.] I thought I'd try to do some good for a change, but options were understandably limited for someone of my specific background.
[Being a mass murdering criminal will do that to a person. And Dazai is pretty sure he couldn't have survived in a government job, even thought that would have been easy to get. He doesn't want to work hard, and he doesn't want to be a teeny tiny cog in a massive hierarchical institute, either. Besides, it's not like the government does good by definition...]
Thankfully I had the ways and means to get someone to point me in the right direction.
[He says it like they should clearly try it, except they both know Chuuya isn't interested in that role reversal at all. But why would that stop him from running with a joke? He sets his coffee down so he can get up from his chair, leaning one hand on the backrest behind Dazai, towering over him. Or as much as he can with the height that he has, but with Dazai still sitting it works.
The impression might also be ruined somewhat by the fact that Dazai's shirt is still the only thing he's wearing, besides his collar.]
I can think of a few things you deserve.
[Though - do those people care about Dazai or not? Because if they don't, if they really want Dazai tortured, then Chuuya's opinion of them is about to drop down into hell, which never bodes well. Then again, he also wishes horrible pain on Dazai sometimes, it's a natural reaction to being around him. It's just that if anyone actually tried it, Chuuya would crush them.
So maybe he shouldn't judge the ADA yet. He'll keep an eye on them, though, just in case.]
Yeah, being good isn't really in my job description, either.
[Wishing horrible pain on Dazai is definitely a natural reaction to being around him, and even Dazai himself doesn't blame the more mind-malevolent Agency members (much). It is kind of annoying when he actually wants their goodwill and they have none to spare because they're expecting a prank at best, but such is the life of people who cry wolf. Or... cry chibi, as the case may be.
Dazai tilts his head back to look up at Chuuya, because properly towering over him or not... it's a pretty nice view.]
I don't know about that. You're surprisingly friendly when it comes to your own.
[A criminal, sure, but not a stereotypical bad guy. Even within the mafia, not everyone else is as protective as Chuuya is, unless they think it will pay off somewhere down the line.
More importantly: this interesting position of Chuuya's... Dazai leans up a bit as if to kiss him, but stops just short of making contact.]
And what do you think I deserve, Mr. Big Bad Mafia Executive~?
[He's not even using the big as a joke here. Clearly that earns him a bonus reward!]
[Chuuya gives him a bit of a doubtful look at that.]
And being friendly to a few people means anything else I've done no longer counts?
[It's not like Chuuya feels bad about his life of crime, either. But he also knows he's not exactly an expert on morality, considering the people he's learned from, and the fact that he never really had a chance at a different kind of life. He sees it more as another method of controlling people than anything else.
But Dazai is right: There are more important things. Dazai leans in close, and Chuuya can't resist, closing that distance without really thinking about it and kissing him softly. It's really one of his favorite things. But he likes this game, too, so he pulls away again just a little too quickly, leaving the same amount of bare-there space between them as Dazai had.]
You could deserve a lot of things. You just have to figure out how to earn them.
[Which is about as far as Dazai cares to continue on that particular topic. He'll let Chuuya sorta-kinda-almost have that one, but only because discussions on morality are really tiresome - and Dazai isn't an expert here, so whatever. They got bigger fish to fry, or... smaller chibis to fuck, as the case may be.
Well, not necessarily right now. But Dazai is feeling oddly relaxed about the idea, regardless.
And as payback for that, Chuuya breaks the kiss just as Dazai is getting into it, so Dazai ends up moving his lips awkwardly in the air like the mackerel he is. Rude! Dazai rests his arms on the table and flops his chin down on them, sulking a little. Fine, then! No sexy kissing times!! 👿]
Earning something is the opposite of deserving it, though? If I deserve it already, I shouldn't have to earn it.
[Honestly, Dazai's reaction is incredibly satisfying. Dazai really does want to kiss him as much as Chuuya wants to kiss him.
And maybe he feels a little bit bad for teasing. He knows he shouldn't, because Dazai has definitely done worse, and will inevitably do worse again sooner rather than later. But Chuuya is also feeling a little bold. He brushes Dazai's bangs aside, leans down, presses a quick kiss to his temple.
And then drops Dazai's bangs again to make them fall over his eyes, so that Dazai won't see the way Chuuya just made himself turn bright red. He picks up his coffee cup again like a shield.]
The list of what you already deserve is pretty long, though.
[And he does mean the good things Dazai deserves.]
[Oh... Well, dammit, that was a cute kiss. Thanks, Chuu, he hates it. (Not really. He's kind of glad that his eyes are briefly hidden, really.)
Dazai straightens himself in his seat again, because while he was pretty comfortable semi-lying around, sulking overly long feels childish in a way that - somehow, right now - he doesn't like.]
Yes, yes... I'm sure you've still got a list of a few hundred punishments to put me through at some point.
[Listen, Dazai has no illusions: he's a dick, and he knows he's a dick. Whatever he "deserves" - in so far as that is even a thing that exists outside of the deluded minds of morality knights - can't be good.]
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The benefit of Chuuya drinking the barely-even-coffee is that Dazai's lips won't taste toxically sweet from that very same drink after that.]
... If not coffee, then what else could have given it this lovely, soft shade of brown?
[No, you really don't want to know the answer to that! But thankfully they are here and not at home, so whatever thought crimes Dazai is committing can only have taken place in his mind. It really is only coffee in there... somewhere, deep inside.]
I left you some coffee for the machine, so Chuuya can have his usual black-as-his-heart coffee. [Says the man who has no heart, but whatever. It's just banter anyway, nothing too serious.
That doesn't quite let him ignore the issue at hand though. It's probably more honest to talk about the elephant-slug in the room, after all.] ... Any plans for today?
[Just asking. Very casually. Clearly he doesn't care.]
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He makes his coffee, and takes a relieved sip when it smells completely normal. This should help him feel a bit more awake.]
I don't wanna think about what gave that coffee and your heart that brown color.
[Since they're talking about hearts and all. Chuuya walks back to sit down next to Dazai.]
If you're asking like that, then you already know.
[He can only stay away for so long before being destroyed by guilt and worry.]
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Well, there's been a change in Chuuya, anyway. Good or bad, when it comes to Chuuya, Dazai knows better than to try changing anything back. (Maybe that thought is more of a relief than he cares to admit.)]
Ahhhhhh... [Utter disappointment. Yes, of course he already knew. But still!] I was really hoping this all-expenses-paid vacation would last a bit longer.
[That is definitely not the part of their little "outing" he's going to miss, but, you know... Let him complain about the little things, that makes it easier to ignore the big ones.]
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It's definitely more complicated, at least.]
That's probably fulfilling a lot of fantasies for you, huh. Getting to be a lazy sugarbaby.
[Listen, banter is the best distraction. Much better than actually talking about serious things. Even if they have to.]
But they have to be pretty pissed off at you at that agency, too.
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[A simple confession, utterly shameless. It may not be much of a kink, but yes, he would enjoy a life as a lazy sugarbaby, actually, since he has to suffer life at all! The real question is: what idiot wouldn't enjoy such a life? (Dazai knows what idiot. He's looking at him.)
Dazai lets out an actual, wordless whine as he leans forward, hands covering his coffee mug so he can rest his chin on them. The warmth on his palms is pretty nice, unlike the topic of conversation.]
That's true, but...
[Nah, it's just true; no buts about it. All whining aside, he doesn't actually mind going back. But something about ending his mini get-away (i.e. a get-away with his mini partner) still feels extremely disappointing.]
Next time we should leave the country. It wouldn't be too hard to disappear.
[He doesn't actually want that; neither of them do, he's sure. But if they weren't stuck in their respective lives, busy with all those important things... wouldn't that be the best possible scenario? (No, not even then, really. But let him indulge in this fantasy. He doesn't do that a whole lot.)]
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He knows Dazai isn't really serious. If Dazai had wanted to leave the ADA that badly, he would have just left, and he hasn't. And Chuuya does love the Port Mafia, even if what he has with Dazai is by every definition a betrayal of that loyalty. But he does have something with Dazai.
And Dazai said that so casually. Maybe he wasn't serious, but Chuuya knows him, and he wasn't not serious, either. And disappearing together is more than just an overseas vacation.
He really needs to say something. Dazai is going to tease him for reacting so strongly to something that should probably be obvious by now. They already had that conversation days ago. They already stopped pretending that their relationship is something it's not. Or that it's not something it always was, maybe. Either way, it shouldn't be surprising, and he's being an idiot, but he can't get a coherent thought past the way his heart is beating in his chest. He couldn't even explain why he's reacting like this.]
Yeah, why not.
[He has to clear his throat to say it, so he quickly drinks some more coffee. But he won't qualify that answer with anything. He could. He could say "if everything blows up in our faces back in Yokohama" or "for an actual planned vacation next time," but he doesn't feel the need.]
There's enough money in that account I gave you the details for back when I tied you up. Neither of us would have to work if we didn't want to.
[And he knows without asking that Dazai has his own emergency funds stored away. Chuuya's account is as close to untraceable as anything can be, and Dazai's accounts will be well beyond that, so disappearing wouldn't be a problem. If that's what they wanted.]
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Really, though... For Chuuya to entertain the idea even semi-seriously, his priorities when it comes to their definitely-not-relationship are clearly a lot different than what Dazai had assumed - and he thought he'd already assumed quite a lot!]
True. [They do have enough money; more than enough money. But that was never the issue, was it?] But don't you want to work?
[Dazai, of course, has his reasons for staying too, but being on the side of good can take many forms; he's not technically bound to the Agency, even though he likes it there well enough. For Chuuya, however, it's very different.
Or so Dazai had assumed, anyway.]
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Of course I do.
[He really does love working. The paperwork aspect of mafia business isn't his favorite, but knowing that he's contributing to the Organization, that the Organization is strong enough to take care of his subordinates... He takes a lot of pride in that. He's building something for other people, and, by extension he's even keeping the city safe. He'd hate feeling useless if he wasn't working.
But.]
... Is that all I can want?
[Absently, he reaches up to adjust his collar, sliding it so the latch sits right in front of his throat, then running his finger along the leather. He's been wearing that collar for a long time now.]
I know that if I want something, I have to be prepared for what I might lose in return.
[He says it casually, even though it's anything but.]
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Like your life?
[He really shouldn't have brought that up; they both know what they're dealing with. It's a cheap shot, pure cowardice from his end. It doesn't mean he isn't considering all options anyway, but his concern here is not unreasonable, he thinks.]
That seems like a steep price to pay.
[He really doesn't want to lose someone else he cares about to mafia cruelty, even if he is far crueler than the mafia, himself.
Mostly because, if Mori kills Chuuya, then Dazai will have to kill Mori, and he'll have to take over the mafia himself, and he doesn't want to do that kind of hard work, clearly.]
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I know the risks, Dazai.
[And he's prepared for that. Dazai is a potential threat, and being involved with him makes Chuuya a liability as well. There was always a chance Mori would prefer just to get rid of him, even without Chuuya trying to leave the mafia. That was part of the reason Chuuya gave Dazai access to that account in the first place, so that Dazai would have what he needed to keep himself and his agency safe if this all blew up in Chuuya's face.
But also in case Chuuya might need it himself. Dazai could make sure Mori wouldn't be able to trace it for him, if he had to disappear. Even if he'd thought disappearing would mean being on his own after that.]
But I'm not exactly easy to kill.
[It takes more than just a poisoned knife and an execution-style firing squad, though Mori is a lot better at this than the Sheep ever were. The real problem would be making sure Chuuya's death seemed justified, so that no one questions the decision (or make sure the blame is placed on someone else), and then to make sure the Port Mafia isn't vulnerable to an outside attack in the aftermath.]
I'm not someone who'd just roll over and die, either. But... I made a promise to myself a long time ago.
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Well, because he's always known that Chuuya will risk anything for others, and not care about himself. And because Chuuya may not be easy to kill, but he sure isn't difficult to target, either. Isn't it just a matter of time before someone gets to Chuuya in a permanent way, whatever form that may take? It's stupid, and Dazai hates that.
Or maybe he just hates how inevitable that has always been, how he'll never be able to save Chuuya from himself. It's funny, actually... Dazai never really thought he'd want to save Chuuya from himself - not for the sake of it - until now.]
You do that quite a lot.
[Making promises to himself. It's not quite a complaint, but it's not the semi-neutral observation that Dazai wanted it to be, either.
At least it will hopefully let him get out of asking.]
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And you're gonna say I don't keep those promises.
[And maybe he doesn't. Maybe that was the point of this. Either way, might as well finish explaining, so Dazai can make his judgment and then call him out.]
Whatever. I decided forever ago that - even if I didn't know what I was, even if I wasn't human, if I was just a seal holding back power - I was the one living in this body. I was claiming that body and this life for myself.
[He'd continued to struggle with that for a long time anyway. His conviction still hadn't been very strong, even after he'd made himself that promise, especially during his first year in the Port Mafia. But by the time he became an executive, by the time Mori told him he'd located Chuuya's biological parents, being a "real" human had mattered less. Verlaine is human; Adam might be an android, but he is also a real person. Doubting himself would have meant doubting them (and he can doubt Verlaine, but not about that).
But he's still pretty sure Dazai will say he's not keeping his own promise. He glances away, out the window, not really seeing the view.]
But if this life and this body is my own, then I can't... I can't pretend I don't want the things I do, either, right? [There's definitely some doubt leaking through, but he forces it down.] Even if I'm risking everything. I can't let other people decide what my life should be.
[He glances back at Dazai again, a barely-there smile as he meets his eyes. He can't pretend he doesn't want Dazai. This is about Chuuya, and his own decisions about himself, but Dazai isn't exactly separate from it all.]
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Only after it all does Dazai finally react to Chuuya's initial comment, his voice very gentle as he looks right back at Chuuya. He doesn't, for the moment, return Chuuya's smile, but that's only because smiles can be a tool, and Dazai doesn't feel like using those right now. It doesn't mean his sentiment is any less soft.]
... I wasn't going to say that at all, you know.
[Chuuya not keeping his promises? That's absurd! If anything, Chuuya is going to kill himself trying to keep his promises. That he hasn't already - albeit with promises to other people, rather than himself - is nothing short of a miracle.
It's a little scary, feeling even a shred of happiness; it's certainly scary to see Chuuya grow (emotionally!) and be forced to keep up. But it's fine, probably. Stagnation is rather boring, after all.]
Ahhhhh, it can't be helped, then! [Back with the theatrics, because how else is he supposed to deal with this, honestly?] I suppose it's about time for Chuuya to take a sabbatical. That seven-year itch is supposed to be a real pain!
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You're just jumping on the first excuse to avoid work even longer.
[Obviously. When isn't Dazai finding excuses to avoid work?
Chuuya doesn't think he deserves that much credit for his so called emotional growth, though. But he's known for a while that being with Dazai was going to become a problem, and the only way to avoid it would be to end things. And it wasn't just that Dazai is too important for him to lose again (it's also that Dazai is too important to him), but he hadn't really been able to pinpoint why that bothered him so much. Not for a while, at least.]
You're really not worried about pissing off that agency with any of this, are you?
[With avoiding work. With not-not-dating an enemy.]
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... Somehow, it's kind of nice that he doesn't think he has to.]
Should I be? [Why should he care about pissing off the ADA? He appreciates them for taking him in when he needed a place to stay, and he likes most of them on a personal level (in so far as he considers himself capable of that), but in the end, he's still his own person before he is a part of any group. Besides, he's frankly not sure how much he's ever counted as a part of anything. He's fundamentally different from others, after all.
The funny thing is, he's arguably even more different from Chuuya, and yet they also fit together the best. Truly, the world is a strange place!]
... But they won't mind. They're good people... I suspect they'll genuinely want me to do what's best for me. If I tell them ahead of time, they'll even throw me a farewell party!
[Yeah, no, he's definitely not telling. Not only are there risks involved, but he doesn't want that party to happen. He'll just write Fukuzawa a letter, and maybe have a gentle chat with Atsushi. That's enough.]
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But for now, the fact that Dazai would even consider something like this with him has him distracted. He's not sure what exactly he's feeling, but he likes it.]
I mean, you chose to join them for a reason, right?
[Even if Dazai doesn't care (and Chuuya knows he does, in his own way), it might get in the way of his plans, whatever those are. Chuuya rarely asks, and Dazai rarely answers if he does, but he knows they're important. And it's a more straightforward train of thought than what Dazai says next.
Chuuya blinks.]
Just like that?
[His first thought is that it sounds lonely. A group proves its connections by the way it protects its members, and someone leaving could be a sign of weakness. Except that Chuuya has seen how the ADA fight for each other, how far they're willing to go, how strong they are. They've more than earned his respect in that regard.]
Genuinely good...? [He says that more to himself than as a question.] Well, if they think fucking a Port Mafia executive is what's best for you, at least that's one less thing to worry about.
[It's a little funny.]
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[Honestly, Dazai's options, when he needed to find a new place for himself, were exceedingly limited. When it came to local enterprises in particular, and further refining that with organizations that would allow him some freedom, the Agency had definitely been the only way. That doesn't mean that it was a bad time at all: it was pretty enjoyable, and Dazai is genuinely fond of most of the people there. It's a happy collection of strange individuals!
But Dazai has never been a part of any group other than superficially: he just doesn't have it in him. There was, very briefly, that group of three people where he almost thought otherwise, but clearly that was all in his imagination. And that's fine! You live, you learn. You lose, you live on.
This, though? It's more than funny: it's hilarious. Not that the whole Agency knows about Dazai's sex life (... some members definitely do), but "fucking a Port Mafia executive" honestly sounds like a curse they would stick on Dazai, and he chuckles, just barely, in entertainment.]
It certainly seems like something they'd wish on me!
["Go fuck a Port Mafia executive!" definitely feels on the same level as "go fuck yourself with a rusty fork!"]
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So even those people know what you deserve.
[Even if Chuuya is arguably not making Dazai's life worse, considering how much he's been spoiling him. But thinking about that ruins the joke, even if he's not actually sure the joke is a good one, if they stopped to think about it. But then, they've always agreed that the bad jokes are usually the best ones, so it's not important.
He just has about a million questions now, and he's not sure he should be asking.]
Why did you pick them?
[He has to ask. He's always wanted to know.]
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[He means the majority of the Agency would probably think Dazai deserves to be lightly tortured and/or fucked by the mafia, not the other way around. The only deserving that Dazai does isn't usually good, after all!
Oh well, perhaps he's underestimating them. They are good people, after all.]
That's a really long story... [Which may or may not seem like he intends to brush off the question, but he doesn't. Instead, he continues replying.] I thought I'd try to do some good for a change, but options were understandably limited for someone of my specific background.
[Being a mass murdering criminal will do that to a person. And Dazai is pretty sure he couldn't have survived in a government job, even thought that would have been easy to get. He doesn't want to work hard, and he doesn't want to be a teeny tiny cog in a massive hierarchical institute, either. Besides, it's not like the government does good by definition...]
Thankfully I had the ways and means to get someone to point me in the right direction.
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[He says it like they should clearly try it, except they both know Chuuya isn't interested in that role reversal at all. But why would that stop him from running with a joke? He sets his coffee down so he can get up from his chair, leaning one hand on the backrest behind Dazai, towering over him. Or as much as he can with the height that he has, but with Dazai still sitting it works.
The impression might also be ruined somewhat by the fact that Dazai's shirt is still the only thing he's wearing, besides his collar.]
I can think of a few things you deserve.
[Though - do those people care about Dazai or not? Because if they don't, if they really want Dazai tortured, then Chuuya's opinion of them is about to drop down into hell, which never bodes well. Then again, he also wishes horrible pain on Dazai sometimes, it's a natural reaction to being around him. It's just that if anyone actually tried it, Chuuya would crush them.
So maybe he shouldn't judge the ADA yet. He'll keep an eye on them, though, just in case.]
Yeah, being good isn't really in my job description, either.
[But being protective definitely is.]
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Dazai tilts his head back to look up at Chuuya, because properly towering over him or not... it's a pretty nice view.]
I don't know about that. You're surprisingly friendly when it comes to your own.
[A criminal, sure, but not a stereotypical bad guy. Even within the mafia, not everyone else is as protective as Chuuya is, unless they think it will pay off somewhere down the line.
More importantly: this interesting position of Chuuya's... Dazai leans up a bit as if to kiss him, but stops just short of making contact.]
And what do you think I deserve, Mr. Big Bad Mafia Executive~?
[He's not even using the big as a joke here. Clearly that earns him a bonus reward!]
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And being friendly to a few people means anything else I've done no longer counts?
[It's not like Chuuya feels bad about his life of crime, either. But he also knows he's not exactly an expert on morality, considering the people he's learned from, and the fact that he never really had a chance at a different kind of life. He sees it more as another method of controlling people than anything else.
But Dazai is right: There are more important things. Dazai leans in close, and Chuuya can't resist, closing that distance without really thinking about it and kissing him softly. It's really one of his favorite things. But he likes this game, too, so he pulls away again just a little too quickly, leaving the same amount of bare-there space between them as Dazai had.]
You could deserve a lot of things. You just have to figure out how to earn them.
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[Which is about as far as Dazai cares to continue on that particular topic. He'll let Chuuya sorta-kinda-almost have that one, but only because discussions on morality are really tiresome - and Dazai isn't an expert here, so whatever. They got bigger fish to fry, or... smaller chibis to fuck, as the case may be.
Well, not necessarily right now. But Dazai is feeling oddly relaxed about the idea, regardless.
And as payback for that, Chuuya breaks the kiss just as Dazai is getting into it, so Dazai ends up moving his lips awkwardly in the air like the mackerel he is. Rude! Dazai rests his arms on the table and flops his chin down on them, sulking a little. Fine, then! No sexy kissing times!! 👿]
Earning something is the opposite of deserving it, though? If I deserve it already, I shouldn't have to earn it.
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And maybe he feels a little bit bad for teasing. He knows he shouldn't, because Dazai has definitely done worse, and will inevitably do worse again sooner rather than later. But Chuuya is also feeling a little bold. He brushes Dazai's bangs aside, leans down, presses a quick kiss to his temple.
And then drops Dazai's bangs again to make them fall over his eyes, so that Dazai won't see the way Chuuya just made himself turn bright red. He picks up his coffee cup again like a shield.]
The list of what you already deserve is pretty long, though.
[And he does mean the good things Dazai deserves.]
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Dazai straightens himself in his seat again, because while he was pretty comfortable semi-lying around, sulking overly long feels childish in a way that - somehow, right now - he doesn't like.]
Yes, yes... I'm sure you've still got a list of a few hundred punishments to put me through at some point.
[Listen, Dazai has no illusions: he's a dick, and he knows he's a dick. Whatever he "deserves" - in so far as that is even a thing that exists outside of the deluded minds of morality knights - can't be good.]
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