[Dazai regards him with that look, the one most people hate--condescending and dismissive--but maybe there is a tiny, tiny seed of concern buried at the very core of it. After all, he doesn't want Chuuya to go out and kill himself just yet. Not because he cares; because Dazai needs him alive. A pawn to be played when necessary.]
I look better than you do.
[Is this going to end in an argument? Probably; Dazai is in a mood, which makes him less pleasant than usual, though that isn't saying much. They're both wet, and they both look awful, which means they both ought to get home and dry, but the difference is that Dazai doesn't want to.
Chuuya should, though. Dazai is silent for a moment, regarding him, then tilts his head.]
Honestly, can you even move well enough to get home?
[He can see the scenario clearly: Chuuya, restless and frustrated, working through something, deciding he's going to go out on a run. Overestimates himself, ends up here. Dazai can already tell he's off-balance.]
[Chuuya does hate that look, but not for the reasons he should. Dazai is using it deliberately, and he knows it, and he hates that he's being called out by Dazai of all people. Dazai, who never takes care of himself, who's spent most of his life trying to die, who is frequently found floating in rivers.
He hates it, because he knows Dazai is right.]
Barely. But you always look like shit.
[It's definitely defensive. Except with how tired it is, it comes across as more sulky than aggressive.]
I was gonna call for a car.
[He'd prefer not to. He's not that far from his apartment, and he hates giving up or looking weak.]
[Ah, maybe they shouldn't broach that topic, so Dazai lets it drop, but he doesn't look away.
It's true that he absolutely does not take care of himself, but there's no reason for him to, and no reason for Chuuya to bring it up. They're not the same; Chuuya isn't actively trying to walk off a bridge, as far as Dazai knows. He's got some self-preservation, sort of. There's a reason Dazai is wandering around by himself, no umbrella or phone on him, without having told anyone where he was going, and it's not because he's good at taking care of himself.]
So go on, then. Call for a car.
[He'll wait, because he's pretty sure Chuuya was going to try and make it home on his own. He already looks weak, so what's the problem? Dazai knows whoever picks Chuuya up won't ask questions, will just do as he tells them to--the man commands some annoying sense of respect from his subordinates, go figure--so it's not a problem.
Yes, Dazai knows Chuuya's apartment isn't far. That's not the issue. (Nor is the issue why he knows exactly where Chuuya's apartment is relative to his position in the city.)]
[Chuuya looks back at him again, but he won't comment on the topic, because he agrees they shouldn't bring it up. It happened, and now they're both moving on. In a few weeks they'll be able to forget it ever happened, and they can go back to normal, pretending that they weren't forced to have sex. Chuuya will be able to stop thinking about it.
At least he's too exhausted to turn red at the thought.]
I'll call one if I need to.
[Because now he doesn't want to. Now it feels like he'd be giving in to Dazai, and he can't do that, so instead he's going to push out from the wall, and take a second to steady himself. He's stubborn. He'll start walking, slowly, but at least he's moving forward. If he just keeps staring at the ground in front of him, it will be fine.
[In a few weeks, they should forget it ever happened, but the problem is that Dazai has been trying, and still hasn't been able to. If it had been in any other way, he'd brush it aside as simply something he was forced to do, something neither of them enjoyed, but--Chuuya had let himself be vulnerable, had trusted Dazai, and that's what he hates. The fact that Dazai hadn't hurt Chuuya when he'd been able to, despite constantly claiming to hate him.]
If you need to? You look about to collapse right here. Didn't you just say you were going to call one?
[He should leave, because Dazai doesn't care if Chuuya gets himself into trouble. It's not like he goes out of his way to make sure that doesn't happen after Chuuya uses Corruption and knocks himself unconscious. He really doesn't care, at all. Chuuya is not his problem, and hasn't been for years. The only time he was, it was because they were forced.
He really needs to stop being forced into terrible situations with Chuuya.]
I can walk just fine. But go ahead, call me a car and tell them you've been spending time with me again. I'm sure they'd be delighted.
[And it's that vulnerability that's getting to Chuuya now. He can't shake it. He keeps thinking to how it felt to surrender, and how helpless he'd ended up being once Dazai was choking him. He'd held himself back, but he's not sure he would have been able to fight Dazai off once they got started, even if he had tried.
He needs to overcompensate for that vulnerability. He can't allow himself to be weak. He can't allow himself to think about Dazai, and he definitely can't allow himself to want to see Dazai again, or want to acknowledge what happened. That's why he's out here, and that's why he's going to keep walking now, one foot in front of the other, even if he's feeling a bit lightheaded.]
I'd call you a cab.
[Because calling anyone from the mafia to pick up Dazai would never go over well. It would be risky to call them now that Dazai is with him, even if Chuuya was the one getting in the car. At least that's his excuse. Another excuse.]
[Dazai really just wants to leave Chuuya to his own devices, but of course he has to be stupid about this. He's going to keep walking, and if Dazai leaves, probably won't call someone to pick him up. Because Chuuya is too stubborn to realize when he's being an idiot, or if he does, he just keeps on going with it to spite Dazai. And Dazai already knows the reason Chuuya is doing this, which just annoys him more.]
I don't need you to call me anything. Call yourself a car.
[If Chuuya gets more than a few steps away, Dazai will move after him. Because now this is a fight, and that means it's safe to engage, to insist Chuuya do something he doesn't want to do. Call the damn car, Dazai thinks, and honestly considers pulling out his own phone--
Which he left behind at his apartment. He makes an annoyed sound.]
Are you seriously going to make me escort you there?
[Dazai will have to move, then, because Chuuya isn't stopping. If he stops now, he won't be able to start moving again. Calling a car would definitely be easier, but when has Chuuya ever cared about what's easy, and when has he ever failed at something as simple as walking. His Ability will always hold him up. Even if it's draining to use, at the moment.
He gives Dazai a surprised look. And then suppresses it, because that's dangerous, but Dazai isn't supposed to bother escorting him just because he's not well.]
If you're planning to follow so you can steal whisky from me, forget it.
[He knows that's not why, of course, but it does make Chuuya's point clear: No, he won't be calling a car, so it seems Dazai will be escorting him back to his apartment, since there's no way for Chuuya to shake him.
And... He appreciates it. Which he's not sure what to do with.]
[The sigh Dazai heaves is half-groan, realizing that Chuuya is going to choose this as his hill to die on—which is basically what he does with everything. Chuuya at least gives him a cover, because Dazai can’t simply follow Chuuya out of concern, but he’s going to act very put-out about it.
Even though it’s surprising when Chuuya actually asks for some help.]
Honestly, I don’t know how you’re still alive when you act like this.
[But Dazai does move forward, close enough that Chuuya will be able to use his shoulder for stability. Dazai knows well how draining it is for Chuuya to use his Ability at this stage, which is why it’s so annoying that he’s out running by himself.
At least Chuuya’s apartment isn’t far. And then they can part ways.]
[He tries not to be relieved when Dazai moves closer. He shouldn't need the help, but on the other hand... this is familiar. Dazai is taller than he was in the mafia, but the two of them have leaned on each other after fights more times than he wants to remember. Usually Dazai was the one getting injured, but not always. He's done this for Chuuya in the past, too.
But that added height does make it impossible to actually use his shoulder for support. Chuuya wraps an arm around Dazai's back instead, gripping his opposite shoulder with his hand, leaning his weight into his side. Dazai is warm. That, or Chuuya is too cold.]
I wouldn't die from something like this.
[But he doesn't feel like arguing now. He really is relieved. This is bad. He should not give a shit about seeing Dazai again after something like that. There's a moment of silence, and then --]
Shit. Shit.
[He's going to shove everything he's feeling down as far as it can go.]
[This is familiar, perhaps a bit too much so. It reminds Dazai of the old days, when they were heading for the same place, and despite their mutual hatred, there was some sort of camaraderie despite it all. Not that he enjoyed it. They were forced to work together, and if not for Mori, Dazai wouldn't have touched Chuuya with a gun forced to his head.
Still... Dazai doesn't comment on the arm around his back, nor does he shake it off when Chuuya gets close. Dazai can barely feel warmth coming from him, which is a sign to just how poorly Chuuya is doing right now, and he feels another flare of irritation. He should be able to take care of himself, right? Who the hell let him go out like this?
...Not that Chuuya isn't responsible for his own stupid decisions. And not that Dazai cares, either.]
Believe me, if you'd die from something like this, I would have ended you a long time ago.
[The small silence stretches out between them, Dazai supporting Chuuya's weight without comment, until the outburst. It could mean a lot of things. Dazai doensn't want to ask, and doesn't want to know, but...]
[Chuuya glances up at him, and then looks away immediately, annoyed with himself.]
Nothing.
[There's no way he's going to admit it.
But what happened really is fucking with his head. He hates Dazai. He hates him more than he's ever hated any other person. He has to hold on to that thought. He doesn't miss their partnership, he didn't want to see him again now, and he's definitely not relieved that he's here, offering Chuuya his shoulder and helping him home. Chuuya tries to force himself to move a little faster. They were never really partners, he reminds himself. It wasn't a choice.
It's going to take a lot longer than it should to get back to Chuuya's apartment. Normally it would just be a couple of minutes, and it will be faster now than if Chuuya had tried to walk by himself, but at this rate even he might have to admit going for a run was a bad idea. Not that he's going to say that out loud anywhere near where Dazai might hear.]
[For once, Dazai doesn't press. He's not in the mood to be annoying or frivolous, not with Chuuya's body so close to his, leaning against him, relying on him and trusting him in ways that he shouldn't. It's stupid; Chuuya is stupid, trusting a former Mafia member who had turned sides, someone who threw him away, because that's what Dazai did. And he reminds himself of that--he doesn't need nor want Chuuya. That's that.
And now he knows what it's like to fuck him, to have Chuuya pliant under his hands and see that expression looking up at him and-
And it's truly revolting.
Why was Dazai wandering around? It's a welcome subject change--or would be, if it wasn't directly tied to the situation they'd been in, and are in now.]
Does it matter? Because I wanted to. The last time I checked, wandering isn't illegal. [And if it were, he'd do it anyway, because when has Dazai cared about the legality of things?
And why is Chuuya trying to make small talk with him? They should both shut up and bear with this, the same as they used to do in the past. That's right, Dazai reminds himself; every moment with Chuuya was forced, even back then. He never wanted it. He's been repeating this in his head for days.]
[That's exactly why Chuuya brought up that subject change. He doesn't want to talk about himself, and how he's dealing with what happened, so it's a lot better to talk about how Dazai's dealing with it. Maybe then he can get Dazai to give up and drop the topic completely, just to make Chuuya back off.]
You're too lazy to wander.
[He's not. But Dazai usually has a reason, and Chuuya knew he wouldn't want to say what it was.
He leans a bit heavier on him as they turn a corner, breathing a bit too shallowly. It's embarrassing, but he doesn't really have a choice, and... a least it's Dazai. Dazai can absolutely be a dick about it, but it's still Dazai. He'll take mocking over pity any day.]
[Dazai does not want to talk about how he's dealing with it, which is this: he's not. He's getting drunk, passing out on the floor and waking up with a stiff back. He's refusing to answer messages on his phone, and slipping out of the apartment so nobody will talk to him. He's in a mood, and he's wandering, and Chuuya calling him out on it isn't appreciate.]
Wandering is what lazy people do when they're tired of sitting around and don't want to be anywhere.
[Yes, he has a reason. He's not going to talk about it, because surely, deep down, Chuuya has to know. He knows Dazai better than anyone, arguably, not that Dazai would ever admit it. Still, the truth can't be changed through simple denial.
He keeps his pace to match Chuuya's--slow and unsteady--and doesn't say anything about it. The apartment isn't far, but even this feels like it's pushing a body that isn't ready to walk yet, and Dazai sighs again.]
I really don't miss doing this for you.
[And that... is a risky comment. Bringing up something old, something they both remember but won't talk about.]
[Of course Chuuya knows. He does know Dazai, something he takes pride in, because he knows how much Dazai hates being known. Daai is wandering because he's sorting through his thoughts, because something is bothering him, but Chuuya doesn't know exactly what it is about what happened that's bothering him so much. He doesn't know why he's upset. Although being forced to have sex could get to anyone.
Chuuya had expected himself to be fine with that part. And it's not really having sex with Dazai that bothers him, or even the fact that they were probably being watched, but it's still somehow making him feel too much.]
Then don't. I can still call for a car.
[Can, but won't, especially since they're just a block away now. Once they turn that corner, he'll be able to see his building. He wants to get in, get out of these wet clothes, and then maybe take a bath until he's warm again. Or maybe just pass out immediately.
He wonders if Dazai will -- No. No, he doesn't want that, and can't let himself think about that. Dazai will take him to his apartment, and then he'll leave, get back to wandering the city. They won't talk to each other until they run into each other again, or until they're forced to work together for some reason. It's the way it has to be. Dazai chose it, and he'll choose it again, and Chuuya is fine with it. He wants it that way, too.]
I was usually the one to do it for you, anyway.
[Except not always. Chuuya got hurt sometimes, too. And he always needed it after using Corruption.]
[Talking to Chuuya like this, after avoiding him entirely, somehow makes things both better and worse. It’s like things are the same between them but also not, like there’s something big they’re stepping around and refusing to acknowledge. Is that why Chuuya is out running in this state? Dazai hates how easy he is to read.
No, it’s definitely not the sex that is making things weird. It’s… the other stuff. The hands around Chuuya’s neck and the way he’d looked at Dazai with utmost trust, and that’s just disgusting.]
You’re not going to call for a car. You’re hardly far from your apartment at all.
[Somehow, the lack of space between them grows warm despite how cold Chuuya is, and the rain wetting them. Dazai both wants to press into it and pull away; instead, he just stays as he is, supporting Chuuya towards the apartment building Dazai knows too well.
It’s true, too, that this had been reversed often enough in the past. Dazai, with no sense of self preservation and a penchant for throwing himself in harm’s way to accomplish a goal, relying on luck—and Chuuya—to keep him from dying.]
I never asked for your help. Not a single time.
[But he did allow it. Expected it, sometimes. And Chuuya was always there, and Dazai hates that memory, too.]
[Chuuya hadn't expected Dazai to actually believe him when he said he was going to call a car, but he wouldn't have been surprised if Dazai had used it as an excuse. This is awkward. Uncomfortable. This is everything they both hate, so it would have made sense for Dazai to get away.
He kind of appreciates that he's staying.]
And I never asked for yours.
[He kind of did. He asked Dazai to lend him his shoulder. But Dazai had been following him anyway, so it doesn't count. He wouldn't have asked if Dazai wasn't already staying, and he wouldn't have complained if he left. It's not like Dazai leaving would be anything new.
Except that Dazai never leaves him in danger, just like Chuuya has never left him in danger. It's too complicated between them, but those things have always stayed true, no matter what else has been going on. It doesn't even make any sense. They hate each other. No, hate isn't a strong enough word. They despise everything about each other. Chuuya misses him, right now, more than he did at any other time during the four years Dazai was gone.]
How the fuck do you know where I live?
[He's trying to deflect the topic away from this again. Of course Dazai knows where he lives. Chuuya knows where Dazai lives, too, even if he's never been there, even if he'd deny it if anyone (even Mori) asked. But hopefully Dazai will hate being questioned on it.]
[Of course Dazai knows where Chuuya lives. He’s known since he moved there, a new apartment fitting his high status in the Port Mafia. Dazai knows how to get in and out, knows how much it costs, knows the security precautions. He knows each of the tenants around Chuuya’s unit. It’s not because he cares; it’s because it would be stupid not to keep tabs on his ex-partner. That’s it.]
Do you really think it’s hard to find out where you live? I just follow the scent of overpriced wine.
[This should be nothing new between them, but even Dazai’s insults seem empty. He’s very much off, blames it on his mood, and doesn’t question why Chuuya has never made an effort to keep Dazai from knowing his location. It’s stupid, allowing an enemy to know where you live.
But it’s not like Chuuya doesn’t know where Dazai lives, too.
He doesn’t appreciate it being implied that he’s here on purpose.]
Of course not. I happened to end up this way. If I’d realized where I was going, I would have ended up in the river far before running into you.
[It’s obviously not true, because Dazai has never not known where he is. And even he isn’t sure why he’s here. He shouldn’t be. He doesn’t want to see Chuuya, and yet here he is. Always dragged back into it. Annoying.]
[Why would Chuuya try to hide where he lives from Dazai. Dazai would only ever see it as a challenge if he tried, and Chuuya doubts it would take more than a week before he’d find some sign that his apartment had been broken into. He’d come home to find all his liquor missing, most likely, and a trail of bandages to make sure there’d be no doubt who the culprit was.
And he doesn’t want or need to hide from Dazai anyway.
But he’s still going to use it against him. The change of topic is a relief, because it means they’re no longer talking about Chuuya, and what Chuuya should or shouldn’t be doing after using Corruption. The weak insults Dazai is now throwing out in retaliation are easier to deal with than being called out. Especially since he can’t risk being made to explain himself.]
You always know where you are.
[It could still be a coincidence that Dazai is here. It most likely is, but facts like that don’t matter.]
If you were hoping for round two, you’ll have to wait.
[He knows that won’t be it at all, but Chuuya really can’t get it out of his head.]
[Yes, Dazai does always know where he is. Even when he's wandering without a reason, when he doesn't pay any attention to his surroundings, as soon as he looks around enough, he knows. He really hadn't intended to stumble upon Chuuya, but... Maybe there was some reason for him ending up in this direction. Not that Dazai is going to think about it long enough to warrant consideration.
It's when Chuuya mentions a round two that Dazai does momentarily tense. He'd expected that to be a non-topic between them, something they simply would not discuss, ever, but here Chuuya is, throwing it out into the open almost immediately. What a pain. Dazai has spent far too much money on booze in an attempt to not think about it.]
Are there guns pointed to our heads? Are we trapped in an otherwise-inescapable room? [He looks around, exaggerated.] Hm. Then my answer is... I'd rather die.
[He doesn't know why Chuuya would bring this up. It was unpleasant, something they were forced into. Neither of them wanted it, nor would they want it in ordinary circumstances. Right? Right. Dazai is making the executive decision for that being the case.]
[Shit. It had just slipped out of him. They're always throwing jabs, but not like that, definitely not something that suggests Chuuya would be willing to go for a round two. He's not, he's just exhausted and out of it, unable to focus on anything other than the warmth of Dazai next to him. He's been unable to think about anything other than Dazai at all, even before he ran into him.
Can he backtrack? He... Probably could, actually, because Dazai knows how badly Corruption affects him. But Dazai being willing to let a topic go doesn't mean he won't be assuming something from Chuuya's words.][It's not at all what he said. He makes sure to turn his face towards where they're walking - almost at his building now.]
Just making sure we're on the same page.
[The weight of the past few days feel even heavier all of a sudden. He puffs up his cheeks and then exhales that air slowly, creating a frustrated noise.]
[This isn't fun. Dazai doesn't like this; Chuuya isn't angry enough, isn't making those faces he makes when he's threatening to snap each of Dazai's bones, one at a time. This is too serious, weighs down Dazai's already sullen mood, and it's always at times like this when he feels his most self-destructive. But now he's got to escort Chuuya back to his apartment, and how did he end up in that situation, again?]
We are most definitely on the same page.
[It doesn't feel like they're fighting. It feels too much like agreeing, like getting along, and that makes Dazai uncomfortable. He could drop Chuuya right here, just to be a dick, but that would actually put him in a situation where he's helpless, and Dazai doesn't like that, either. Every time he's left Chuuya after Corruption, it's been in a more or less safe place, or with someone coming to get him.
All of these things are way too much for Dazai to want to think about. He's tired.
But at least they're coming up on Chuuya's building now; Dazai can see it, and it's more familiar than he'd be willing to admit.]
Can you make it inside on your own, or do I have to do that for you, too?
[Chuuya's fingers grip onto Dazai's shoulder a little tighter when he says that. He's not aware of doing it, or he'd force himself to let go instead, but he's... He's tired and he's fucking lonely. He hates himself for actually wanting Dazai around.]
I never needed you to help me at all.
[It's extremely defensive. He even forces himself to speed up a bit, walk a little bit faster that last distance, even though his body immediately starts objecting. His legs hurt, like they're being pulled apart, the way it feels when he's using Corruption. He's not even using his ability right now.
His breathing is already getting more strained again. He ignores it.]
Come on. I want you out of my life faster.
[That anger is still missing. He doesn't have the energy for it, but it's more than that. What happened really did get to him, and he has no idea how to deal with it alone if he can't just bury himself in work, exercise and wine.
He can still drink, at least. It's a bad idea, but he can do it.]
[Dazai knows Chuuya didn’t need help. He knows it, and yet here he is anyway — and that irritates him. Why? There’s no reason, Chuuya would be fine on his own. And even if he wouldn’t, then who is Dazai to care?
Chuuya’s pace speeds up, and Dazai matches him. He knows holding Chuuya back will only spur him on more — and again, Dazai reminds himself, he does not care.]
As if I want to be in your life any longer than a absolutely necessary.
[Even though… none of this is necessary. He doesn’t need to be here. Chuuya doesn’t need him, and Dazai doesn’t need Chuuya. It’s what he’d hammered home when he left the mafia, when he left Chuuya on his own after what they’d been forced to do. And as long as Chuuya runs with that, everything is fine.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I look better than you do.
[Is this going to end in an argument? Probably; Dazai is in a mood, which makes him less pleasant than usual, though that isn't saying much. They're both wet, and they both look awful, which means they both ought to get home and dry, but the difference is that Dazai doesn't want to.
Chuuya should, though. Dazai is silent for a moment, regarding him, then tilts his head.]
Honestly, can you even move well enough to get home?
[He can see the scenario clearly: Chuuya, restless and frustrated, working through something, deciding he's going to go out on a run. Overestimates himself, ends up here. Dazai can already tell he's off-balance.]
no subject
He hates it, because he knows Dazai is right.]
Barely. But you always look like shit.
[It's definitely defensive. Except with how tired it is, it comes across as more sulky than aggressive.]
I was gonna call for a car.
[He'd prefer not to. He's not that far from his apartment, and he hates giving up or looking weak.]
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[Ah, maybe they shouldn't broach that topic, so Dazai lets it drop, but he doesn't look away.
It's true that he absolutely does not take care of himself, but there's no reason for him to, and no reason for Chuuya to bring it up. They're not the same; Chuuya isn't actively trying to walk off a bridge, as far as Dazai knows. He's got some self-preservation, sort of. There's a reason Dazai is wandering around by himself, no umbrella or phone on him, without having told anyone where he was going, and it's not because he's good at taking care of himself.]
So go on, then. Call for a car.
[He'll wait, because he's pretty sure Chuuya was going to try and make it home on his own. He already looks weak, so what's the problem? Dazai knows whoever picks Chuuya up won't ask questions, will just do as he tells them to--the man commands some annoying sense of respect from his subordinates, go figure--so it's not a problem.
Yes, Dazai knows Chuuya's apartment isn't far. That's not the issue. (Nor is the issue why he knows exactly where Chuuya's apartment is relative to his position in the city.)]
no subject
At least he's too exhausted to turn red at the thought.]
I'll call one if I need to.
[Because now he doesn't want to. Now it feels like he'd be giving in to Dazai, and he can't do that, so instead he's going to push out from the wall, and take a second to steady himself. He's stubborn. He'll start walking, slowly, but at least he's moving forward. If he just keeps staring at the ground in front of him, it will be fine.
He refuses to be weak after what happened.]
Do you need me to call you one?
[That is, of course, meant as an insult.]
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If you need to? You look about to collapse right here. Didn't you just say you were going to call one?
[He should leave, because Dazai doesn't care if Chuuya gets himself into trouble. It's not like he goes out of his way to make sure that doesn't happen after Chuuya uses Corruption and knocks himself unconscious. He really doesn't care, at all. Chuuya is not his problem, and hasn't been for years. The only time he was, it was because they were forced.
He really needs to stop being forced into terrible situations with Chuuya.]
I can walk just fine. But go ahead, call me a car and tell them you've been spending time with me again. I'm sure they'd be delighted.
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He needs to overcompensate for that vulnerability. He can't allow himself to be weak. He can't allow himself to think about Dazai, and he definitely can't allow himself to want to see Dazai again, or want to acknowledge what happened. That's why he's out here, and that's why he's going to keep walking now, one foot in front of the other, even if he's feeling a bit lightheaded.]
I'd call you a cab.
[Because calling anyone from the mafia to pick up Dazai would never go over well. It would be risky to call them now that Dazai is with him, even if Chuuya was the one getting in the car. At least that's his excuse. Another excuse.]
It's not far anyway.
[He knows Dazai knows where he lives.]
no subject
I don't need you to call me anything. Call yourself a car.
[If Chuuya gets more than a few steps away, Dazai will move after him. Because now this is a fight, and that means it's safe to engage, to insist Chuuya do something he doesn't want to do. Call the damn car, Dazai thinks, and honestly considers pulling out his own phone--
Which he left behind at his apartment. He makes an annoyed sound.]
Are you seriously going to make me escort you there?
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He gives Dazai a surprised look. And then suppresses it, because that's dangerous, but Dazai isn't supposed to bother escorting him just because he's not well.]
If you're planning to follow so you can steal whisky from me, forget it.
[He knows that's not why, of course, but it does make Chuuya's point clear: No, he won't be calling a car, so it seems Dazai will be escorting him back to his apartment, since there's no way for Chuuya to shake him.
And... He appreciates it. Which he's not sure what to do with.]
But since you're here, lend me your shoulder.
no subject
Even though it’s surprising when Chuuya actually asks for some help.]
Honestly, I don’t know how you’re still alive when you act like this.
[But Dazai does move forward, close enough that Chuuya will be able to use his shoulder for stability. Dazai knows well how draining it is for Chuuya to use his Ability at this stage, which is why it’s so annoying that he’s out running by himself.
At least Chuuya’s apartment isn’t far. And then they can part ways.]
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But that added height does make it impossible to actually use his shoulder for support. Chuuya wraps an arm around Dazai's back instead, gripping his opposite shoulder with his hand, leaning his weight into his side. Dazai is warm. That, or Chuuya is too cold.]
I wouldn't die from something like this.
[But he doesn't feel like arguing now. He really is relieved. This is bad. He should not give a shit about seeing Dazai again after something like that. There's a moment of silence, and then --]
Shit. Shit.
[He's going to shove everything he's feeling down as far as it can go.]
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Still... Dazai doesn't comment on the arm around his back, nor does he shake it off when Chuuya gets close. Dazai can barely feel warmth coming from him, which is a sign to just how poorly Chuuya is doing right now, and he feels another flare of irritation. He should be able to take care of himself, right? Who the hell let him go out like this?
...Not that Chuuya isn't responsible for his own stupid decisions. And not that Dazai cares, either.]
Believe me, if you'd die from something like this, I would have ended you a long time ago.
[The small silence stretches out between them, Dazai supporting Chuuya's weight without comment, until the outburst. It could mean a lot of things. Dazai doensn't want to ask, and doesn't want to know, but...]
What?
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Nothing.
[There's no way he's going to admit it.
But what happened really is fucking with his head. He hates Dazai. He hates him more than he's ever hated any other person. He has to hold on to that thought. He doesn't miss their partnership, he didn't want to see him again now, and he's definitely not relieved that he's here, offering Chuuya his shoulder and helping him home. Chuuya tries to force himself to move a little faster. They were never really partners, he reminds himself. It wasn't a choice.
It's going to take a lot longer than it should to get back to Chuuya's apartment. Normally it would just be a couple of minutes, and it will be faster now than if Chuuya had tried to walk by himself, but at this rate even he might have to admit going for a run was a bad idea. Not that he's going to say that out loud anywhere near where Dazai might hear.]
Why were you wandering around like that anyway?
[Time to turn the subject onto Dazai instead.]
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And now he knows what it's like to fuck him, to have Chuuya pliant under his hands and see that expression looking up at him and-
And it's truly revolting.
Why was Dazai wandering around? It's a welcome subject change--or would be, if it wasn't directly tied to the situation they'd been in, and are in now.]
Does it matter? Because I wanted to. The last time I checked, wandering isn't illegal. [And if it were, he'd do it anyway, because when has Dazai cared about the legality of things?
And why is Chuuya trying to make small talk with him? They should both shut up and bear with this, the same as they used to do in the past. That's right, Dazai reminds himself; every moment with Chuuya was forced, even back then. He never wanted it. He's been repeating this in his head for days.]
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You're too lazy to wander.
[He's not. But Dazai usually has a reason, and Chuuya knew he wouldn't want to say what it was.
He leans a bit heavier on him as they turn a corner, breathing a bit too shallowly. It's embarrassing, but he doesn't really have a choice, and... a least it's Dazai. Dazai can absolutely be a dick about it, but it's still Dazai. He'll take mocking over pity any day.]
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Wandering is what lazy people do when they're tired of sitting around and don't want to be anywhere.
[Yes, he has a reason. He's not going to talk about it, because surely, deep down, Chuuya has to know. He knows Dazai better than anyone, arguably, not that Dazai would ever admit it. Still, the truth can't be changed through simple denial.
He keeps his pace to match Chuuya's--slow and unsteady--and doesn't say anything about it. The apartment isn't far, but even this feels like it's pushing a body that isn't ready to walk yet, and Dazai sighs again.]
I really don't miss doing this for you.
[And that... is a risky comment. Bringing up something old, something they both remember but won't talk about.]
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Chuuya had expected himself to be fine with that part. And it's not really having sex with Dazai that bothers him, or even the fact that they were probably being watched, but it's still somehow making him feel too much.]
Then don't. I can still call for a car.
[Can, but won't, especially since they're just a block away now. Once they turn that corner, he'll be able to see his building. He wants to get in, get out of these wet clothes, and then maybe take a bath until he's warm again. Or maybe just pass out immediately.
He wonders if Dazai will -- No. No, he doesn't want that, and can't let himself think about that. Dazai will take him to his apartment, and then he'll leave, get back to wandering the city. They won't talk to each other until they run into each other again, or until they're forced to work together for some reason. It's the way it has to be. Dazai chose it, and he'll choose it again, and Chuuya is fine with it. He wants it that way, too.]
I was usually the one to do it for you, anyway.
[Except not always. Chuuya got hurt sometimes, too. And he always needed it after using Corruption.]
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No, it’s definitely not the sex that is making things weird. It’s… the other stuff. The hands around Chuuya’s neck and the way he’d looked at Dazai with utmost trust, and that’s just disgusting.]
You’re not going to call for a car. You’re hardly far from your apartment at all.
[Somehow, the lack of space between them grows warm despite how cold Chuuya is, and the rain wetting them. Dazai both wants to press into it and pull away; instead, he just stays as he is, supporting Chuuya towards the apartment building Dazai knows too well.
It’s true, too, that this had been reversed often enough in the past. Dazai, with no sense of self preservation and a penchant for throwing himself in harm’s way to accomplish a goal, relying on luck—and Chuuya—to keep him from dying.]
I never asked for your help. Not a single time.
[But he did allow it. Expected it, sometimes. And Chuuya was always there, and Dazai hates that memory, too.]
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He kind of appreciates that he's staying.]
And I never asked for yours.
[He kind of did. He asked Dazai to lend him his shoulder. But Dazai had been following him anyway, so it doesn't count. He wouldn't have asked if Dazai wasn't already staying, and he wouldn't have complained if he left. It's not like Dazai leaving would be anything new.
Except that Dazai never leaves him in danger, just like Chuuya has never left him in danger. It's too complicated between them, but those things have always stayed true, no matter what else has been going on. It doesn't even make any sense. They hate each other. No, hate isn't a strong enough word. They despise everything about each other. Chuuya misses him, right now, more than he did at any other time during the four years Dazai was gone.]
How the fuck do you know where I live?
[He's trying to deflect the topic away from this again. Of course Dazai knows where he lives. Chuuya knows where Dazai lives, too, even if he's never been there, even if he'd deny it if anyone (even Mori) asked. But hopefully Dazai will hate being questioned on it.]
Did you come to this part of the city on purpose?
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Do you really think it’s hard to find out where you live? I just follow the scent of overpriced wine.
[This should be nothing new between them, but even Dazai’s insults seem empty. He’s very much off, blames it on his mood, and doesn’t question why Chuuya has never made an effort to keep Dazai from knowing his location. It’s stupid, allowing an enemy to know where you live.
But it’s not like Chuuya doesn’t know where Dazai lives, too.
He doesn’t appreciate it being implied that he’s here on purpose.]
Of course not. I happened to end up this way. If I’d realized where I was going, I would have ended up in the river far before running into you.
[It’s obviously not true, because Dazai has never not known where he is. And even he isn’t sure why he’s here. He shouldn’t be. He doesn’t want to see Chuuya, and yet here he is. Always dragged back into it. Annoying.]
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And he doesn’t want or need to hide from Dazai anyway.
But he’s still going to use it against him. The change of topic is a relief, because it means they’re no longer talking about Chuuya, and what Chuuya should or shouldn’t be doing after using Corruption. The weak insults Dazai is now throwing out in retaliation are easier to deal with than being called out. Especially since he can’t risk being made to explain himself.]
You always know where you are.
[It could still be a coincidence that Dazai is here. It most likely is, but facts like that don’t matter.]
If you were hoping for round two, you’ll have to wait.
[He knows that won’t be it at all, but Chuuya really can’t get it out of his head.]
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It's when Chuuya mentions a round two that Dazai does momentarily tense. He'd expected that to be a non-topic between them, something they simply would not discuss, ever, but here Chuuya is, throwing it out into the open almost immediately. What a pain. Dazai has spent far too much money on booze in an attempt to not think about it.]
Are there guns pointed to our heads? Are we trapped in an otherwise-inescapable room? [He looks around, exaggerated.] Hm. Then my answer is... I'd rather die.
[He doesn't know why Chuuya would bring this up. It was unpleasant, something they were forced into. Neither of them wanted it, nor would they want it in ordinary circumstances. Right? Right. Dazai is making the executive decision for that being the case.]
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Can he backtrack? He... Probably could, actually, because Dazai knows how badly Corruption affects him. But Dazai being willing to let a topic go doesn't mean he won't be assuming something from Chuuya's words.][It's not at all what he said. He makes sure to turn his face towards where they're walking - almost at his building now.]
Just making sure we're on the same page.
[The weight of the past few days feel even heavier all of a sudden. He puffs up his cheeks and then exhales that air slowly, creating a frustrated noise.]
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We are most definitely on the same page.
[It doesn't feel like they're fighting. It feels too much like agreeing, like getting along, and that makes Dazai uncomfortable. He could drop Chuuya right here, just to be a dick, but that would actually put him in a situation where he's helpless, and Dazai doesn't like that, either. Every time he's left Chuuya after Corruption, it's been in a more or less safe place, or with someone coming to get him.
All of these things are way too much for Dazai to want to think about. He's tired.
But at least they're coming up on Chuuya's building now; Dazai can see it, and it's more familiar than he'd be willing to admit.]
Can you make it inside on your own, or do I have to do that for you, too?
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I never needed you to help me at all.
[It's extremely defensive. He even forces himself to speed up a bit, walk a little bit faster that last distance, even though his body immediately starts objecting. His legs hurt, like they're being pulled apart, the way it feels when he's using Corruption. He's not even using his ability right now.
His breathing is already getting more strained again. He ignores it.]
Come on. I want you out of my life faster.
[That anger is still missing. He doesn't have the energy for it, but it's more than that. What happened really did get to him, and he has no idea how to deal with it alone if he can't just bury himself in work, exercise and wine.
He can still drink, at least. It's a bad idea, but he can do it.]
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Chuuya’s pace speeds up, and Dazai matches him. He knows holding Chuuya back will only spur him on more — and again, Dazai reminds himself, he does not care.]
As if I want to be in your life any longer than a absolutely necessary.
[Even though… none of this is necessary. He doesn’t need to be here. Chuuya doesn’t need him, and Dazai doesn’t need Chuuya. It’s what he’d hammered home when he left the mafia, when he left Chuuya on his own after what they’d been forced to do. And as long as Chuuya runs with that, everything is fine.]
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