[What he’d said is clearly not what Chuuya wanted to hear. He’s getting defensive, but not in the usual way; Chuuya’s usual way is anger and violence, but this is just him curling in on himself, and Dazai doesn’t like it. He knew Chuuya wouldn’t be able to handle what they’d done, but he’d pushed on anyway, because… ]
Forget it? I was perfectly happy to before you brought it up.
[He finishes his cup of tea like it’s a shot of something stronger, sets it beside the half-empty teapot. Here, he should walk out of Chuuya’s life like he does; he should reinforce the rift between them. Dazai both wants to, and doesn’t.
Perhaps he simply can’t stand to be shown up by Chuuya, even in blatant stupidity.]
I’d do it again.
[Dazai keeps that answer vague. What is he saying he’d do? Chuuya can guess, or he can ask, but there’s no guarantee he’ll get an actual answer. Maybe Dazai just really wants to strangle him. He sort of wants to strangle himself right now.]
[Chuuya flinches, just a little. Of course Dazai won't let it go, even though Dazai is the one who didn't want to talk about it!
And then he passes him the cup, because he's done hiding behind it when it's empty anyway. He won't do more than actually glance at Dazai, though, because the whole thing is too uncomfortable for actual eye contact. He's not expecting Dazai to continue, to make that confession, and he's not sure how to react to it. None of this was planned.]
-- You would?
[It's too simple. There has to be conditions. Or it's a joke.
He won't ask for clarification, though. He's pretty sure that if Dazai is serious, he means all of it, choking him, fucking him, anything else they might come up with. There's no point in trying to drag more information out of Dazai here when even this much was a struggle. Besides, it probably still won't even happen.]
[Dazai sets both their cups aside. He's also not looking at Chuuya, because this is weird; it's too close to honesty for his comfort, something Dazai doesn't do well with even when it's not towards someone he hates. Yes, he would. And yes, there are conditions--a lot of them--but he's serious. They already did it once, so that's out of the bag now, and as much as Dazai would like to drink himself into a coma so he forgets what it feels like to fuck Chuuya all limp and pliant and out of it, that seems to be quite hard with his alcohol tolerance.]
Of course it doesn't mean anything. It didn't then, and it wouldn't in the future.
[Except... it did mean something. Dazai knows it; Chuuya is lying. He'd admitted as much when he'd talked about that feeling of powerlessness he doesn't get with anyone other than Dazai, when he'd trusted his 'enemy' to wrap hands around his throat knowing that's the only person he's defenseless to.]
[He feels... Chuuya isn't sure what he feels. It's definitely not relief. But he does feel a bit lighter, which is stupid, because this is definitely just about sex. It's not about craving that feeling of trust, something he could never have with anyone else, something he'd thought he lost when Dazai left the mafia and disappeared without a word. It has nothing to do with that.
It's just because Dazai is the only one who can put Chuuya in a position where he can't fight back.]
Right. It's just sex. I don't mind letting you do what you want.
[Chuuya knows how this will go down if they do it again. He'll be the one to give up control, but that's okay. That's how he wants it.]
[It's just sex, of course. And Dazai has had sex with plenty of people far more disgusting than Chuuya, which he enjoyed much less than what they'd done together. And it hadn't been bad--Dazai had certainly had no problem fucking him--it had just been. Weird. It's still weird, thinking about how Chuuya looked at him, how close they were. How he felt.
But! Dazai isn't thinking about that. He's rolling his eyes instead.]
Is that your secret, then? You're a masochist? Ah- Perhaps not a secret.
[Something in the room feels better than it had, even if Chuuya is still clearly not at his best. The air between them isn't as heavy, and Chuuya's voice sounds more normal. More annoying. Dazai isn't relieved; it's just an observation.]
[This is definitely more normal. The instant defensiveness that fills Chuuya is better than what he'd been feeling before, even if it pisses him off.]
Shut up.
[He'd been expecting to be mocked, but it still catches him off guard when it happens. And it's not like Dazai hadn't already figured it out. Of course the asshole knew after what they did, the conversation they had. He's going to kick his ass.
Some other time, though. He's pretty sure he'd still collapse if he tried to move.]
I know you'd never agree to anything else. That's all.
[There's no small amount of relief at the way Chuuya gets closer and closer to his normal, irritating self, telling Dazai to shut up and making excuses for himself. Even Dazai's own mood shifts into something less dark, something closer to how he usually is--annoying and careless, ready to tease Chuuya into oblivion. He just needs to not think about things too deeply, and it'll be fine.
...yeah, sure.]
I'm not agreeing to anything. Hypothetically, I said I'd do it again.
[Dazai stands himself up from the bed, and turns to look down at Chuuya in the way he so enjoys doing. There's always a height advantage here, whether they're sitting or standing; him standing while Chuuya is sitting in bed just provides more of one.]
[It does feel more normal. At least until Dazai stands up. Chuuya finds himself wanting to grab him and stop him, and has to hold himself back from reaching out, which is embarrassing in all the wrong ways. He's not supposed to be that weak. And this is Dazai, so Chuuya is supposed to want him out of there. At least once he's been able to get him to agree.
But the deliberate towering is familiar. Chuuya has to tilt his head back to look up at him, and he's definitely not sulking. He's glaring.]
From you that means you want me to work for it. And I won't.
[He really wishes he had the strength to punch him.]
[Dazai looks down at Chuuya, and Chuuya looks up at him. It should be a familiar sight, but Chuuya's usually ready to jump up and try and close the distance; here, with him in bed, it feels off. It's fine, though. Things are normal, Dazai reminds himself. Even if they'd just had a discussion about fucking--or choking?--that Chuuya himself brought up.]
Are you that lazy? Do what you want.
[He ought to leave now; there's no reason for him to stay. Chuuya is fine, recovering in bed; he's been warmed up with tea Dazai didn't have to make, and sort of out of the mood he'd been in earlier. But somehow, Dazai wants to linger.]
[That's an excuse, and Chuuya is going to take it. He reaches out to grab Dazai's wrist, even though normally he'd be grabbing him by the throat. He'd have to get up for that.]
Either you agree or you don't, you waste of bandages.
[But he knows Dazai will use this chance to humiliate him. He feels a bit... off about it right now, but he knows that once he can stop feeling this weird, it'll at least seem normal. That's always been what Dazai is like.]
[A familiar insult. It's oddly comforting and normal in such a bizarre situation. Chuuya grabs his wrist, grip less intense than usual, and Dazai doesn't yet pull away. There's the connection between them.]
When did those rules come into play, shitty hatrack?
[Dazai is feeling off, too. He's been feeling off, and he'll admit that it started when they had to... well. The thing that set Chuuya off, apparently. Dazai dislikes knowing his former partner--whom he betrayed and left behind--still trusts him to such an extent, and it's impossible to ignore the fact that they did both enjoy what happened.]
I'm not the one asking for it, am I? So no, I don't need to work for it.
[Dazai only works for things when he feels like it. Chuuya is the one who wants it; Chuuya can figure out how to get it.]
[Chuuya really hates sitting in bed with Dazai standing over him, so he's going to swing his legs sideways, over the edge. Although that... actually puts him in a worse position, staring up at Dazai, with no room to actually stand. Not that he should try to stand. But he'll still try to push Dazai back to make room.]
Those were always the rules, you damn knock off mummy.
[He doesn't even have to think about the insults. They have a long list of them ready, and one is usually just a variation of another, and right now he's not wasting the energy to be creative about it.]
If you don't wanna do it, I'll find someone else.
[He easily could, but it wouldn't be the same. He hates that he can't let go of this connection.]
[That's better. Dazai doesn't let himself be pushed back at all, even if it means Chuuya crowding his space. Moving back would show weakness! It would be letting Chuuya win, and he's not doing that. Except-]
So? Who's stopping you?
[If Chuuya wants Dazai, then Dazai has agreed to do... whatever hypothetical they'd been talking about. If he wants someone else, Dazai isn't going to fight him over it. After all, this means nothing, so it shouldn't matter. If Chuuya wants to fuck again because it's Dazai, then that's his own problem to figure out. And if he just wants to fuck in general? Dazai has no doubt that Chuuya can find someone else, though he's definitely not going to admit that.]
[Chuuya stands there awkwardly when Dazai doesn't step back. He doesn't have the strength to shove him harder - barely has the strength to stand still - but he can't back away now. Except now he's not sure what his own plan was.]
No one.
[Dazai is warm. He can feel that warmth again. Chuuya's gaze flickers sideways, feeling awkward.]
You know what pisses me off about what happened? Why the hell am I always the one who has to trust you.
[He does trust him. He deosn't regret trusting him. But it's still left him feeling too vulnerable this time.]
[They're facing each other, even though it's off-balance from the height; it always has been, though these days it's more obvious than it used to be. A lot of things are different, but even more things are the same, and it's something Dazai really doesn't get. He's given Chuuya so many reasons for things to change, for them to never speak again--though sometimes, Dazai is the one seeking him out, sending stupid rigged packages to his house, showing up at bars he knows Chuuya frequents. Not that he'd ever admit that.]
I never tell you to trust me. In fact, I'd be the first to tell you to do the exact opposite. [Unless he's being annoying just for the hell of it.
But... that's not to say Dazai doesn't trust Chuuya. He does, probably more deeply than anyone, though that's personal and private and he's not going to outwardly show it. Still, Dazai knows Chuuya would never betray him, even if they're in some fucked up situation where he ought to, and perhaps that's the most annoying thing of all.]
[That's Chuuya's only real response to that. Dazai can insist Chuuya shouldn't trust him all he wants, but Chuuya knows that he can. He knows what Dazai is willing to do and what he isn't, especially when they're stuck together in a situation like that. They always have each other's backs. It's the fact that he's supposed to go back to pretending that --
No. It's not pretending. They're enemies. He reminds himself of that, and tries to shove Dazai back again.]
You're a shitty liar.
[That's just objectively not true, but it should at least annoy Dazai to hear Chuuya say it, and right now that's his goal.]
[Dazai isn't going to let himself be pushed back, though he knows if Chuuya had any force to put behind it, he'd at least be giving a good few steps. Either Chuuya isn't trying, or he doesn't have enough strength to put behind the shove just yet--probably the latter.]
I'm a shitty liar?
[It's definitely not true; Dazai is the best liar he knows, even convincing himself of certain things that are simply not true, things he's not going to name and may or may not have anything to do with present company. It does annoy him to hear it, though. God, he hates Chuuya.
He also hates that they're in this situation in the first place.]
Over half the things I tell you are lies, and I'm sure you can't figure out any of them.
[Sometimes, at least. He knows he can't always tell, but he definitely knows more often than Dazai wants him to, and since mentioning it is clearly annoying Dazai he's gonna keep doing it.]
You say you'd be the first person to tell me not to trust you, but you never actually have.
You have no idea when I’m lying unless I want you to.
[Dazai would say this to anyone, and it would be true for the most part. There are a handful of people who can tell, enough to be counted on a single hand. Chuuya is, unfortunately, sometimes one of them, but it’s not like Dazai would ever admit it.]
I thought not trusting me was a survival instinct everyone has, but you seem to be without any of those. Clearly, since I found you out in the rain just now.
[He reaches out to push at Chuuya’s chest—not hard, just a brief touch with the tips of his fingers. Anything more, and Chuuya really might actually fall over, and Dazai isn’t trying to do that at the moment.]
[Chuuya is expecting to be shoved back. When he isn't, he glances down, staring at that hand for a few seconds.]
I know it was stupid.
[He'd nearly collapsed. No, he had collapsed in the end, so there's no point in denying it now. And sometimes about that touch feels a little grounding, drains the fight out of him.]
I didn't want to think, and I was sent home from work.
[Chuuya admitting he’d been stupid is something unexpected. He must really be feeling off if he’s not fighting over that at all, or pushing away Dazai’s hand. Then again, Dazai isn’t moving it away.
The fact that he was sent home from work explains it, how he’d pushed himself to go running even in his current state, and Dazai sighs.]
I’d have sent you home, too. You look awful.
[Chuuya has always been like this; Dazai remembers it well. He wishes he didn’t.]
Clearly, whatever you were trying to do didn’t work.
[Chuuya looks up again, a little annoyed, but too tired to argue.]
Shut up.
[He knows he looks like shit, Dazai doesn't have to rub it in. And he would have preferred working to resting at home anyway. He could have just worked more slowly, even if he did end up passing out over his desk. There are more things to distract him there, to keep his mind off what happened, what they did.
He drops his own hand, then changes his mind, places it on Dazai's wrist instead. It's a mirror of how they usually grip each other.]
[Does Dazai have any better ideas? No, because he's probably worse at taking care of himself than Chuuya is, but at least he's aware of the fact that whatever he's doing is more detrimental to his health. Chuuya is stubborn, always wants to be doing something, and the people he works with actually like him and don't want him to end up passing out from exhaustion. Thus, it makes sense that he was sent home.
Glancing down at the hand on his wrist, Dazai is silent a moment before looking back up.]
Yes, actually. It's called getting in bed and resting like a normal person.
[He doesn't think Chuuya will go for it, particularly not with the abrasive way Dazai says it--but that's how he says everything when it comes to them. He moves his hand, finally, pushes his palm against Chuuya's chest, and presses a little harder, as though threatening to push him back onto the bed.]
[Chuuya loses his balance for a second when Dazai pushes him. It would normally take a lot more, but he barely has the strength to hold himself up as it is. He tightens his grip on Dazai's wrist, uses that to hold himself up, stubbornly, because even though he kind of does want to listen to Dazai, now it's a matter of not wanting to lose.]
That fixes one problem.
[He shouldn't acknowledge that there's more than one problem. It's just that Corruption has drained him, nothing else. It's not that he can't shut off his mind, get Dazai out of his head.
It's not that he's felt annoyingly empty since it happened.]
I don't give a shit about being exhausted. You know that.
[It's evidence to just how exhausted he is that Chuuya's balance is thrown off by just a small push. Dazai considers pushing harder, just to actually get him into bed, but knows that he'd resist and probably just get right back up. Besides, Chuuya is admitting that there's more than one problem, which likely has something to do with what he'd asked Dazai earlier--about doing again what they'd done in that room.
It's a dangerous topic. They haven't really discussed it, but Dazai would be lying if he said it hadn't thrown him off, too, and that's the reason he was wandering around the city. Fortunately, he's never cared about lying, so he's absolutely going to say that, because it meant nothing, was just something they had to do like every other mission they've done together.
It just... was a little more intimate. On Chuuya's part, anyway, so no wonder he's all out of sorts about it. Dazai has nothing to be bothered about, so he isn't!]
I know, and it's annoying. Besides, your problems aren't mine to fix. Get some sleep, go break something, I don't know. [He shifts his hand, a signal he's going to move it back and that Chuuya should let go of his wrist.]
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Forget it? I was perfectly happy to before you brought it up.
[He finishes his cup of tea like it’s a shot of something stronger, sets it beside the half-empty teapot. Here, he should walk out of Chuuya’s life like he does; he should reinforce the rift between them. Dazai both wants to, and doesn’t.
Perhaps he simply can’t stand to be shown up by Chuuya, even in blatant stupidity.]
I’d do it again.
[Dazai keeps that answer vague. What is he saying he’d do? Chuuya can guess, or he can ask, but there’s no guarantee he’ll get an actual answer. Maybe Dazai just really wants to strangle him. He sort of wants to strangle himself right now.]
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And then he passes him the cup, because he's done hiding behind it when it's empty anyway. He won't do more than actually glance at Dazai, though, because the whole thing is too uncomfortable for actual eye contact. He's not expecting Dazai to continue, to make that confession, and he's not sure how to react to it. None of this was planned.]
-- You would?
[It's too simple. There has to be conditions. Or it's a joke.
He won't ask for clarification, though. He's pretty sure that if Dazai is serious, he means all of it, choking him, fucking him, anything else they might come up with. There's no point in trying to drag more information out of Dazai here when even this much was a struggle. Besides, it probably still won't even happen.]
It doesn't mean anything if we do.
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Of course it doesn't mean anything. It didn't then, and it wouldn't in the future.
[Except... it did mean something. Dazai knows it; Chuuya is lying. He'd admitted as much when he'd talked about that feeling of powerlessness he doesn't get with anyone other than Dazai, when he'd trusted his 'enemy' to wrap hands around his throat knowing that's the only person he's defenseless to.]
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It's just because Dazai is the only one who can put Chuuya in a position where he can't fight back.]
Right. It's just sex. I don't mind letting you do what you want.
[Chuuya knows how this will go down if they do it again. He'll be the one to give up control, but that's okay. That's how he wants it.]
It's easier with someone I can't stand.
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But! Dazai isn't thinking about that. He's rolling his eyes instead.]
Is that your secret, then? You're a masochist? Ah- Perhaps not a secret.
[Something in the room feels better than it had, even if Chuuya is still clearly not at his best. The air between them isn't as heavy, and Chuuya's voice sounds more normal. More annoying. Dazai isn't relieved; it's just an observation.]
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Shut up.
[He'd been expecting to be mocked, but it still catches him off guard when it happens. And it's not like Dazai hadn't already figured it out. Of course the asshole knew after what they did, the conversation they had. He's going to kick his ass.
Some other time, though. He's pretty sure he'd still collapse if he tried to move.]
I know you'd never agree to anything else. That's all.
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...yeah, sure.]
I'm not agreeing to anything. Hypothetically, I said I'd do it again.
[Dazai stands himself up from the bed, and turns to look down at Chuuya in the way he so enjoys doing. There's always a height advantage here, whether they're sitting or standing; him standing while Chuuya is sitting in bed just provides more of one.]
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But the deliberate towering is familiar. Chuuya has to tilt his head back to look up at him, and he's definitely not sulking. He's glaring.]
From you that means you want me to work for it. And I won't.
[He really wishes he had the strength to punch him.]
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Are you that lazy? Do what you want.
[He ought to leave now; there's no reason for him to stay. Chuuya is fine, recovering in bed; he's been warmed up with tea Dazai didn't have to make, and sort of out of the mood he'd been in earlier. But somehow, Dazai wants to linger.]
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Either you agree or you don't, you waste of bandages.
[But he knows Dazai will use this chance to humiliate him. He feels a bit... off about it right now, but he knows that once he can stop feeling this weird, it'll at least seem normal. That's always been what Dazai is like.]
You're the one who should work for it.
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When did those rules come into play, shitty hatrack?
[Dazai is feeling off, too. He's been feeling off, and he'll admit that it started when they had to... well. The thing that set Chuuya off, apparently. Dazai dislikes knowing his former partner--whom he betrayed and left behind--still trusts him to such an extent, and it's impossible to ignore the fact that they did both enjoy what happened.]
I'm not the one asking for it, am I? So no, I don't need to work for it.
[Dazai only works for things when he feels like it. Chuuya is the one who wants it; Chuuya can figure out how to get it.]
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Those were always the rules, you damn knock off mummy.
[He doesn't even have to think about the insults. They have a long list of them ready, and one is usually just a variation of another, and right now he's not wasting the energy to be creative about it.]
If you don't wanna do it, I'll find someone else.
[He easily could, but it wouldn't be the same. He hates that he can't let go of this connection.]
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So? Who's stopping you?
[If Chuuya wants Dazai, then Dazai has agreed to do... whatever hypothetical they'd been talking about. If he wants someone else, Dazai isn't going to fight him over it. After all, this means nothing, so it shouldn't matter. If Chuuya wants to fuck again because it's Dazai, then that's his own problem to figure out. And if he just wants to fuck in general? Dazai has no doubt that Chuuya can find someone else, though he's definitely not going to admit that.]
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No one.
[Dazai is warm. He can feel that warmth again. Chuuya's gaze flickers sideways, feeling awkward.]
You know what pisses me off about what happened? Why the hell am I always the one who has to trust you.
[He does trust him. He deosn't regret trusting him. But it's still left him feeling too vulnerable this time.]
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I never tell you to trust me. In fact, I'd be the first to tell you to do the exact opposite. [Unless he's being annoying just for the hell of it.
But... that's not to say Dazai doesn't trust Chuuya. He does, probably more deeply than anyone, though that's personal and private and he's not going to outwardly show it. Still, Dazai knows Chuuya would never betray him, even if they're in some fucked up situation where he ought to, and perhaps that's the most annoying thing of all.]
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[That's Chuuya's only real response to that. Dazai can insist Chuuya shouldn't trust him all he wants, but Chuuya knows that he can. He knows what Dazai is willing to do and what he isn't, especially when they're stuck together in a situation like that. They always have each other's backs. It's the fact that he's supposed to go back to pretending that --
No. It's not pretending. They're enemies. He reminds himself of that, and tries to shove Dazai back again.]
You're a shitty liar.
[That's just objectively not true, but it should at least annoy Dazai to hear Chuuya say it, and right now that's his goal.]
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I'm a shitty liar?
[It's definitely not true; Dazai is the best liar he knows, even convincing himself of certain things that are simply not true, things he's not going to name and may or may not have anything to do with present company. It does annoy him to hear it, though. God, he hates Chuuya.
He also hates that they're in this situation in the first place.]
Over half the things I tell you are lies, and I'm sure you can't figure out any of them.
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[Sometimes, at least. He knows he can't always tell, but he definitely knows more often than Dazai wants him to, and since mentioning it is clearly annoying Dazai he's gonna keep doing it.]
You say you'd be the first person to tell me not to trust you, but you never actually have.
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[Dazai would say this to anyone, and it would be true for the most part. There are a handful of people who can tell, enough to be counted on a single hand. Chuuya is, unfortunately, sometimes one of them, but it’s not like Dazai would ever admit it.]
I thought not trusting me was a survival instinct everyone has, but you seem to be without any of those. Clearly, since I found you out in the rain just now.
[He reaches out to push at Chuuya’s chest—not hard, just a brief touch with the tips of his fingers. Anything more, and Chuuya really might actually fall over, and Dazai isn’t trying to do that at the moment.]
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I know it was stupid.
[He'd nearly collapsed. No, he had collapsed in the end, so there's no point in denying it now. And sometimes about that touch feels a little grounding, drains the fight out of him.]
I didn't want to think, and I was sent home from work.
[That's not helping his case.]
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The fact that he was sent home from work explains it, how he’d pushed himself to go running even in his current state, and Dazai sighs.]
I’d have sent you home, too. You look awful.
[Chuuya has always been like this; Dazai remembers it well. He wishes he didn’t.]
Clearly, whatever you were trying to do didn’t work.
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Shut up.
[He knows he looks like shit, Dazai doesn't have to rub it in. And he would have preferred working to resting at home anyway. He could have just worked more slowly, even if he did end up passing out over his desk. There are more things to distract him there, to keep his mind off what happened, what they did.
He drops his own hand, then changes his mind, places it on Dazai's wrist instead. It's a mirror of how they usually grip each other.]
Obviously not. Got any better ideas?
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Glancing down at the hand on his wrist, Dazai is silent a moment before looking back up.]
Yes, actually. It's called getting in bed and resting like a normal person.
[He doesn't think Chuuya will go for it, particularly not with the abrasive way Dazai says it--but that's how he says everything when it comes to them. He moves his hand, finally, pushes his palm against Chuuya's chest, and presses a little harder, as though threatening to push him back onto the bed.]
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That fixes one problem.
[He shouldn't acknowledge that there's more than one problem. It's just that Corruption has drained him, nothing else. It's not that he can't shut off his mind, get Dazai out of his head.
It's not that he's felt annoyingly empty since it happened.]
I don't give a shit about being exhausted. You know that.
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It's a dangerous topic. They haven't really discussed it, but Dazai would be lying if he said it hadn't thrown him off, too, and that's the reason he was wandering around the city. Fortunately, he's never cared about lying, so he's absolutely going to say that, because it meant nothing, was just something they had to do like every other mission they've done together.
It just... was a little more intimate. On Chuuya's part, anyway, so no wonder he's all out of sorts about it. Dazai has nothing to be bothered about, so he isn't!]
I know, and it's annoying. Besides, your problems aren't mine to fix. Get some sleep, go break something, I don't know. [He shifts his hand, a signal he's going to move it back and that Chuuya should let go of his wrist.]
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