[Chuuya makes room, and Dazai sits without saying anything, taking one of the cups and holding it towards him. None of this is a favor. He’s only doing the bare minimum to make sure Chuuya doesn’t… die, or something, and- These excuses are growing increasingly flimsy, so Dazai is just not going to think too hard about what he’s doing.]
I’m going to get away from you as soon as I finish this tea.
[For a moment, the movement Chuuya makes directs Dazai’s attention to his neck, and there are the bruises, ones that would form to Dazai’s hands were he to wrap them around Chuuya’s neck again. He looks away, taking his own cup of tea in hand. The heat is something to distract.]
I’m surprised you had any good tea. Your kitchen is abysmal, by the way. Do you even eat?
[Chuuya can feel the warmth of him again. He cups the tea in his hand, but his attention is on the heat coming from Dazai, almost wishing he could just lean into him. He shoves that thought down hard.]
I order takeout.
[When he's hungry, but he's the type to forget to eat if he's not hungry. He does usually make sure to get a meal in after exercise, but he hasn't been able to do that, either.
He sips his tea. It's good. Dazai didn't burn the leaves, which surprises him a little, but probably shouldn't. Of course he knows how to make tea. Mori probably forced him to learn, since it's not the kind of thing Dazai would care about otherwise. Or maybe it's just another piece of random information he picked up somewhere.]
[Dazai definitely can't afford takeout all that often, but he's also not the best at feeding himself regularly. Most of the time, he doesn't care enough to bother, but when he does, at least he can make something decent. Unlike some people.]
Perhaps if you ate better, your growth wouldn't be so stunted.
[Mori forced Dazai to learn a lot of things--all boring and pointless and annoying, too much work, but at least he knows how to make decent tea. It's come in handy a couple of times, and Dazai hasn't even snuck in anything poisonous this time around. He'll pat himself on the back for making a decent pot, but all of that is really just something to distract from the fact that he's sitting on Chuuya's bed, drinking tea from fancy cups, and they're hardly bickering.
At least Dazai is trying. Chuuya is the one whose attempts are falling flat.]
My kitchen is... [Dazai has a retort on the tip of his tongue, but it actually is worse than Chuuya's. Less alcohol, more empty bottles. Particularly this week. Nobody has come to drag him out of his apartment and force him to clean just yet--it'll probably take a few more days--but at least he has food in there somewhere. Cup noodles count as food.] Excellent. Much better than your shitty kitchen.
[Of course it comes back to that. At least mentioning his height is an easy way to rile Chuuya up, no matter how exhausted he is. He manages to throw a sideways kick at Dazai's leg.
It's pretty weak, but the attempt is there.]
Shut up! It's not stunted!
[He knows he's short, but mostly Dazai is just too tall.
The conversation is slowly getting easier. He's sitting, resting, he's feeling a little bit warmer, a little less like he's seconds from passing out. That weird mood is still there, overshadowing his exhaustion, but he's always been stubborn about hiding his moods when they're such an obvious weakness. He might not be good at it, but he tries.
And these are arguments they've had so many times that he doesn't have to think about what he's saying.]
I bet it's more of a trash pile than a kitchen.
[And they're no longer talking about Chuuya's eating habits. Good.]
[That's slightly better, though the kick feels like basically nothing. Still, there's more of Chuuya in his voice; it's less dull, more annoying. It's a voice that will probably haunt Dazai's worst dreams forever, but it's better than how he'd sounded before. There's still something, an undercurrent, but Dazai trusts it will go away with time.
They always get back to how they've been since they met, after all. Nothing changes. They'll go through these same old insults, and it's oddly comforting.]
Maybe I ought to take a lesson from you and live off of nothing but takeout, protein shakes, and wine. I've always wanted to be a head smaller than I am. [Dazai warms his tea with more from the pot, and wordlessly offers Chuuya a refill. This is the nicest he's ever going to be, so Chuuya had better not mention it, ever, or he'll regret it. They just... have to not ever talk about this again. Add it to the list of things they'll pretend never happened. Simple!]
If you want to be shorter, I've offered to cut your legs off before.
[He'd hit Dazai again, but they're both drinking tea. At least that's his excuse, but really, he's not in the mood for it. He holds his cup out for Dazai to refill it, appreciating the warmth, and takes a moment to just sip it while he tries to make up his mind about something.
He knows they're not supposed to talk about this.
They've always had that agreement. They never actually officially made any agreement, but they've both always known it's there, since the moment they met. They don't talk about anything. They fight and they bicker and they agree that they hate each other, and if anything happens to indicate otherwise, they both pretend that it didn't. Because they do hate each other. They have to.]
[Dazai has hips cup to his lips, a sip of warm tea on his tongue, when Chuuya asks. It’s an actual question rather than an insult, and this is rare; Chuuya never asks before doing something, and the unfamiliarity of this makes Dazai’s body stiffen. He doesn’t like situations he doesn’t know how to read… but no, that’s not it. He’s concerned he can read this, and that Chuuya is going to say something they can’t just forget about.]
Since when have you asked my permission to do anything?
[It’s not a no, which is as good as a yes. Dazai knows no is exactly what he should be saying, that he ought to be getting up and walking out of here, because he doesn’t want to answer whatever Chuuya wants to ask. He knows, even without hearing what it is.
They don’t need to discuss this. Chuuya really can’t be stupid enough to bring it up, can he?]
[He really wouldn't normally ask permission, but this feels like crossing a line, and he doesn't like it. If Dazai had objected, he would have let it go immediately. It would have been easier.
And he has a lot of questions he wants to ask. It's difficult to decide which one seems more important... Part of him wants to talk about how it all felt, being underneath Dazai like that, choked out by him, trusting him. He needs to know how Dazai felt about it all, too, but that wouldn't be fair, he won't be that much of a dick, and Dazai wouldn't give a straight answer anyway. He'd say he hated it.
And it's a betrayal that Chuuya didn't.]
Would you do it again?
[It's... Not what he'd been planning to ask. And he doesn't mean right now, obviously. Just in general.]
[Dazai is silent for a good moment, watching Chuuya with an unreadable expression. Not surprise, nor disgust. Blank, but also not. It's the sort of expression Dazai makes when he's in one of his moods, when he's thinking too much about things too far in the past. And... he doesn't quite understand the question.
Here is where he could deflect, make a stupid joke, refuse to answer. He could get up and leave. There are so many thing Dazai could do to alter the outcome of this, to keep things normal between them, and even he isn't sure what he'll decide until he does it, swirling the tea in the cup.]
Would I choke you again? Or fuck you again?
[He looks up from the amber liquid, watching Chuuya. There's some weird thing between them that has been there before and never really gone away; this is one of the rare occasions Dazai isn't pushing it under layers and layers of self-hatred and denial, letting it air out, but he's waiting for the split second he needs to deny it again.]
[He's already regretting the question. Dazai is taking too long to answer, and Chuuya really would have preferred mocking to that. Jokes or outright insults are easy to deal with - it would hurt (why the hell does this hurt?), but he can deal.
But it's Chuuya's turn to go quiet for a moment when Dazai asks for clarification. He's not really sure. It's not like he's wanted to think too much about this. He wanted to forget it, he just hasn't been able to, since he hasn't been able to bury himself in work. He hasn't even been able to drown himself in wine, so he's been stuck with the memories of what they did.]
Either. Or something different.
[He finishes his tea, and then just holds the cup against his lips as though it's in any way effective as a shield. At least it's something.]
I know this is the point where you start mocking me.
[Chuuya’s response gives no clarification at all. Something different? That could be anything, and annoyance creeps into Dazai’s face, though he doesn’t shut this down just yet. Really, what the hell does Chuuya mean by something different? But Dazai isn’t going to let on that he sort of wants to know, and that he’s annoyed for not immediately getting the answer.]
If you’re going to ask a question, don’t be vague about it.
[His tea is cooling, but he doesn’t finish it to avoid that. He sits, looking at Chuuya.]
Don’t tell me what to do. [If Dazai wanted to mock Chuuya, he totally would. Could. He will, when Chuuya clarifies the question.]
[Ugh. Of course Dazai makes him clarify, when Dazai should be able to guess what Chuuya means anyway. Though this isn't something they've ever even come close to talking about.]
Forget it --
[No, he won't do that. He brought it up, so he won't back out like some coward. Dazai won't drop it now anyway.]
We talked about a lot of things other than choking. So I'm not just gonna suggest that one thing.
[There's a brief, subtle look of surprise on Dazai's face. He should know everything, especially when it comes to Chuuya, but somehow he was not expecting that. To have the other things they'd talked about brought up as actual possibilities. Why? They only did that because they had to. Neither of them enjoyed it--right? Dazai certainly hadn't!]
Why are you bringing this up?
[It's definitely not an answer to Chuuya's question, but two can play at the defensiveness game. Being honest and upfront is not Dazai's thing, anyway, so Chuuya should be prepared for this. At least he isn't laughing it off, or making some insulting joke to shut down the conversation entirely.
[He knows he shouldn't bring it up. And he's felt like utter shit since they did it, in a way that can't be explained by his use of Corruption, so it's definitely a bad idea anyway. He can blame it on being out of it, on his body still being too weak. He needs sleep. That's his excuse. That's how he'll defend himself when Dazai starts mocking him.
(He won't. He'd never use being weak as an excuse.)
He hesitates again.]
Because it pisses me off that we did it when we had no choice.
[That explains nothing, but he still has no idea how to explain it, and he doesn't actually want to.]
Because -- You're the only one who could.
[Maybe that's why he's been feeling this shitty. He shouldn't be feeling this shitty.]
[Fair; that pissed Dazai off, too. He hates being forced to do anything to the point of being contrary just for the hell of it, even if it’s something he normally wouldn’t mind doing. This… it’s another level entirely. How dare someone fuck with his carefully-curated relationship without his consent?
Still silent, he watches as Chuuya admits more. He knows what Chuuya means; there’s nobody but Dazai who can hold Chuuya down, who can force him to be normal, a human without any sort of special ability, who can’t defend himself any better than a non-ability user could. Dazai doesn’t understand it; he’s never had anyone who made him feel ‘normal’.
That’s not what this is about, though.]
Why are you asking if I’d do it again?
[Or more importantly: why is Chuuya cannonballing his way through what there remains between them? Some tenuous, barely-there remnant. They orbit each other, but don’t get close, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. The way Dazai wants to keep it, and he’d thought that’s what Chuuya had wanted, too. Why would he want anything different?]
[Chuuya looks over at him, feeling uncomfortable. Dazai should know. Chuuya would let him, there's nothing more to it than that. He's been unable to stop thinking about it, and maybe if they did it again, he'd be able to get it out of his system. Maybe he'd stop feeling so off.
There's nothing left of their relationship, the way he sees it. Dazai chose to leave, after all. So there's nothing to break here.]
Forget it.
[This time he won't offer an explanation after all. Dazai clearly doesn't want to, so Chuuya isn't going to push, not when this is already as uncomfortable as it is. If he was willing to actually analyze his own feelings, he'd call it painful, but he prefers to call it anger and move on. He can be angry at the people who did that to them.]
All you have going for you is that ability anyway.
[What he’d said is clearly not what Chuuya wanted to hear. He’s getting defensive, but not in the usual way; Chuuya’s usual way is anger and violence, but this is just him curling in on himself, and Dazai doesn’t like it. He knew Chuuya wouldn’t be able to handle what they’d done, but he’d pushed on anyway, because… ]
Forget it? I was perfectly happy to before you brought it up.
[He finishes his cup of tea like it’s a shot of something stronger, sets it beside the half-empty teapot. Here, he should walk out of Chuuya’s life like he does; he should reinforce the rift between them. Dazai both wants to, and doesn’t.
Perhaps he simply can’t stand to be shown up by Chuuya, even in blatant stupidity.]
I’d do it again.
[Dazai keeps that answer vague. What is he saying he’d do? Chuuya can guess, or he can ask, but there’s no guarantee he’ll get an actual answer. Maybe Dazai just really wants to strangle him. He sort of wants to strangle himself right now.]
[Chuuya flinches, just a little. Of course Dazai won't let it go, even though Dazai is the one who didn't want to talk about it!
And then he passes him the cup, because he's done hiding behind it when it's empty anyway. He won't do more than actually glance at Dazai, though, because the whole thing is too uncomfortable for actual eye contact. He's not expecting Dazai to continue, to make that confession, and he's not sure how to react to it. None of this was planned.]
-- You would?
[It's too simple. There has to be conditions. Or it's a joke.
He won't ask for clarification, though. He's pretty sure that if Dazai is serious, he means all of it, choking him, fucking him, anything else they might come up with. There's no point in trying to drag more information out of Dazai here when even this much was a struggle. Besides, it probably still won't even happen.]
[Dazai sets both their cups aside. He's also not looking at Chuuya, because this is weird; it's too close to honesty for his comfort, something Dazai doesn't do well with even when it's not towards someone he hates. Yes, he would. And yes, there are conditions--a lot of them--but he's serious. They already did it once, so that's out of the bag now, and as much as Dazai would like to drink himself into a coma so he forgets what it feels like to fuck Chuuya all limp and pliant and out of it, that seems to be quite hard with his alcohol tolerance.]
Of course it doesn't mean anything. It didn't then, and it wouldn't in the future.
[Except... it did mean something. Dazai knows it; Chuuya is lying. He'd admitted as much when he'd talked about that feeling of powerlessness he doesn't get with anyone other than Dazai, when he'd trusted his 'enemy' to wrap hands around his throat knowing that's the only person he's defenseless to.]
[He feels... Chuuya isn't sure what he feels. It's definitely not relief. But he does feel a bit lighter, which is stupid, because this is definitely just about sex. It's not about craving that feeling of trust, something he could never have with anyone else, something he'd thought he lost when Dazai left the mafia and disappeared without a word. It has nothing to do with that.
It's just because Dazai is the only one who can put Chuuya in a position where he can't fight back.]
Right. It's just sex. I don't mind letting you do what you want.
[Chuuya knows how this will go down if they do it again. He'll be the one to give up control, but that's okay. That's how he wants it.]
[It's just sex, of course. And Dazai has had sex with plenty of people far more disgusting than Chuuya, which he enjoyed much less than what they'd done together. And it hadn't been bad--Dazai had certainly had no problem fucking him--it had just been. Weird. It's still weird, thinking about how Chuuya looked at him, how close they were. How he felt.
But! Dazai isn't thinking about that. He's rolling his eyes instead.]
Is that your secret, then? You're a masochist? Ah- Perhaps not a secret.
[Something in the room feels better than it had, even if Chuuya is still clearly not at his best. The air between them isn't as heavy, and Chuuya's voice sounds more normal. More annoying. Dazai isn't relieved; it's just an observation.]
[This is definitely more normal. The instant defensiveness that fills Chuuya is better than what he'd been feeling before, even if it pisses him off.]
Shut up.
[He'd been expecting to be mocked, but it still catches him off guard when it happens. And it's not like Dazai hadn't already figured it out. Of course the asshole knew after what they did, the conversation they had. He's going to kick his ass.
Some other time, though. He's pretty sure he'd still collapse if he tried to move.]
I know you'd never agree to anything else. That's all.
[There's no small amount of relief at the way Chuuya gets closer and closer to his normal, irritating self, telling Dazai to shut up and making excuses for himself. Even Dazai's own mood shifts into something less dark, something closer to how he usually is--annoying and careless, ready to tease Chuuya into oblivion. He just needs to not think about things too deeply, and it'll be fine.
...yeah, sure.]
I'm not agreeing to anything. Hypothetically, I said I'd do it again.
[Dazai stands himself up from the bed, and turns to look down at Chuuya in the way he so enjoys doing. There's always a height advantage here, whether they're sitting or standing; him standing while Chuuya is sitting in bed just provides more of one.]
[It does feel more normal. At least until Dazai stands up. Chuuya finds himself wanting to grab him and stop him, and has to hold himself back from reaching out, which is embarrassing in all the wrong ways. He's not supposed to be that weak. And this is Dazai, so Chuuya is supposed to want him out of there. At least once he's been able to get him to agree.
But the deliberate towering is familiar. Chuuya has to tilt his head back to look up at him, and he's definitely not sulking. He's glaring.]
From you that means you want me to work for it. And I won't.
[He really wishes he had the strength to punch him.]
[Dazai looks down at Chuuya, and Chuuya looks up at him. It should be a familiar sight, but Chuuya's usually ready to jump up and try and close the distance; here, with him in bed, it feels off. It's fine, though. Things are normal, Dazai reminds himself. Even if they'd just had a discussion about fucking--or choking?--that Chuuya himself brought up.]
Are you that lazy? Do what you want.
[He ought to leave now; there's no reason for him to stay. Chuuya is fine, recovering in bed; he's been warmed up with tea Dazai didn't have to make, and sort of out of the mood he'd been in earlier. But somehow, Dazai wants to linger.]
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I’m going to get away from you as soon as I finish this tea.
[For a moment, the movement Chuuya makes directs Dazai’s attention to his neck, and there are the bruises, ones that would form to Dazai’s hands were he to wrap them around Chuuya’s neck again. He looks away, taking his own cup of tea in hand. The heat is something to distract.]
I’m surprised you had any good tea. Your kitchen is abysmal, by the way. Do you even eat?
[Not that Dazai’s is much better.]
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I order takeout.
[When he's hungry, but he's the type to forget to eat if he's not hungry. He does usually make sure to get a meal in after exercise, but he hasn't been able to do that, either.
He sips his tea. It's good. Dazai didn't burn the leaves, which surprises him a little, but probably shouldn't. Of course he knows how to make tea. Mori probably forced him to learn, since it's not the kind of thing Dazai would care about otherwise. Or maybe it's just another piece of random information he picked up somewhere.]
I bet your kitchen is worse.
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Perhaps if you ate better, your growth wouldn't be so stunted.
[Mori forced Dazai to learn a lot of things--all boring and pointless and annoying, too much work, but at least he knows how to make decent tea. It's come in handy a couple of times, and Dazai hasn't even snuck in anything poisonous this time around. He'll pat himself on the back for making a decent pot, but all of that is really just something to distract from the fact that he's sitting on Chuuya's bed, drinking tea from fancy cups, and they're hardly bickering.
At least Dazai is trying. Chuuya is the one whose attempts are falling flat.]
My kitchen is... [Dazai has a retort on the tip of his tongue, but it actually is worse than Chuuya's. Less alcohol, more empty bottles. Particularly this week. Nobody has come to drag him out of his apartment and force him to clean just yet--it'll probably take a few more days--but at least he has food in there somewhere. Cup noodles count as food.] Excellent. Much better than your shitty kitchen.
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It's pretty weak, but the attempt is there.]
Shut up! It's not stunted!
[He knows he's short, but mostly Dazai is just too tall.
The conversation is slowly getting easier. He's sitting, resting, he's feeling a little bit warmer, a little less like he's seconds from passing out. That weird mood is still there, overshadowing his exhaustion, but he's always been stubborn about hiding his moods when they're such an obvious weakness. He might not be good at it, but he tries.
And these are arguments they've had so many times that he doesn't have to think about what he's saying.]
I bet it's more of a trash pile than a kitchen.
[And they're no longer talking about Chuuya's eating habits. Good.]
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They always get back to how they've been since they met, after all. Nothing changes. They'll go through these same old insults, and it's oddly comforting.]
Maybe I ought to take a lesson from you and live off of nothing but takeout, protein shakes, and wine. I've always wanted to be a head smaller than I am. [Dazai warms his tea with more from the pot, and wordlessly offers Chuuya a refill. This is the nicest he's ever going to be, so Chuuya had better not mention it, ever, or he'll regret it. They just... have to not ever talk about this again. Add it to the list of things they'll pretend never happened. Simple!]
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[He'd hit Dazai again, but they're both drinking tea. At least that's his excuse, but really, he's not in the mood for it. He holds his cup out for Dazai to refill it, appreciating the warmth, and takes a moment to just sip it while he tries to make up his mind about something.
He knows they're not supposed to talk about this.
They've always had that agreement. They never actually officially made any agreement, but they've both always known it's there, since the moment they met. They don't talk about anything. They fight and they bicker and they agree that they hate each other, and if anything happens to indicate otherwise, they both pretend that it didn't. Because they do hate each other. They have to.]
Can I ask you something?
[He might be about to break their agreement.]
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Since when have you asked my permission to do anything?
[It’s not a no, which is as good as a yes. Dazai knows no is exactly what he should be saying, that he ought to be getting up and walking out of here, because he doesn’t want to answer whatever Chuuya wants to ask. He knows, even without hearing what it is.
They don’t need to discuss this. Chuuya really can’t be stupid enough to bring it up, can he?]
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And he has a lot of questions he wants to ask. It's difficult to decide which one seems more important... Part of him wants to talk about how it all felt, being underneath Dazai like that, choked out by him, trusting him. He needs to know how Dazai felt about it all, too, but that wouldn't be fair, he won't be that much of a dick, and Dazai wouldn't give a straight answer anyway. He'd say he hated it.
And it's a betrayal that Chuuya didn't.]
Would you do it again?
[It's... Not what he'd been planning to ask. And he doesn't mean right now, obviously. Just in general.]
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Here is where he could deflect, make a stupid joke, refuse to answer. He could get up and leave. There are so many thing Dazai could do to alter the outcome of this, to keep things normal between them, and even he isn't sure what he'll decide until he does it, swirling the tea in the cup.]
Would I choke you again? Or fuck you again?
[He looks up from the amber liquid, watching Chuuya. There's some weird thing between them that has been there before and never really gone away; this is one of the rare occasions Dazai isn't pushing it under layers and layers of self-hatred and denial, letting it air out, but he's waiting for the split second he needs to deny it again.]
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But it's Chuuya's turn to go quiet for a moment when Dazai asks for clarification. He's not really sure. It's not like he's wanted to think too much about this. He wanted to forget it, he just hasn't been able to, since he hasn't been able to bury himself in work. He hasn't even been able to drown himself in wine, so he's been stuck with the memories of what they did.]
Either. Or something different.
[He finishes his tea, and then just holds the cup against his lips as though it's in any way effective as a shield. At least it's something.]
I know this is the point where you start mocking me.
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If you’re going to ask a question, don’t be vague about it.
[His tea is cooling, but he doesn’t finish it to avoid that. He sits, looking at Chuuya.]
Don’t tell me what to do. [If Dazai wanted to mock Chuuya, he totally would. Could. He will, when Chuuya clarifies the question.]
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Forget it --
[No, he won't do that. He brought it up, so he won't back out like some coward. Dazai won't drop it now anyway.]
We talked about a lot of things other than choking. So I'm not just gonna suggest that one thing.
[At least his defensiveness is almost normal.]
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Why are you bringing this up?
[It's definitely not an answer to Chuuya's question, but two can play at the defensiveness game. Being honest and upfront is not Dazai's thing, anyway, so Chuuya should be prepared for this. At least he isn't laughing it off, or making some insulting joke to shut down the conversation entirely.
...even though he should. Dazai knows he should.]
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(He won't. He'd never use being weak as an excuse.)
He hesitates again.]
Because it pisses me off that we did it when we had no choice.
[That explains nothing, but he still has no idea how to explain it, and he doesn't actually want to.]
Because -- You're the only one who could.
[Maybe that's why he's been feeling this shitty. He shouldn't be feeling this shitty.]
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Still silent, he watches as Chuuya admits more. He knows what Chuuya means; there’s nobody but Dazai who can hold Chuuya down, who can force him to be normal, a human without any sort of special ability, who can’t defend himself any better than a non-ability user could. Dazai doesn’t understand it; he’s never had anyone who made him feel ‘normal’.
That’s not what this is about, though.]
Why are you asking if I’d do it again?
[Or more importantly: why is Chuuya cannonballing his way through what there remains between them? Some tenuous, barely-there remnant. They orbit each other, but don’t get close, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. The way Dazai wants to keep it, and he’d thought that’s what Chuuya had wanted, too. Why would he want anything different?]
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There's nothing left of their relationship, the way he sees it. Dazai chose to leave, after all. So there's nothing to break here.]
Forget it.
[This time he won't offer an explanation after all. Dazai clearly doesn't want to, so Chuuya isn't going to push, not when this is already as uncomfortable as it is. If he was willing to actually analyze his own feelings, he'd call it painful, but he prefers to call it anger and move on. He can be angry at the people who did that to them.]
All you have going for you is that ability anyway.
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Forget it? I was perfectly happy to before you brought it up.
[He finishes his cup of tea like it’s a shot of something stronger, sets it beside the half-empty teapot. Here, he should walk out of Chuuya’s life like he does; he should reinforce the rift between them. Dazai both wants to, and doesn’t.
Perhaps he simply can’t stand to be shown up by Chuuya, even in blatant stupidity.]
I’d do it again.
[Dazai keeps that answer vague. What is he saying he’d do? Chuuya can guess, or he can ask, but there’s no guarantee he’ll get an actual answer. Maybe Dazai just really wants to strangle him. He sort of wants to strangle himself right now.]
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And then he passes him the cup, because he's done hiding behind it when it's empty anyway. He won't do more than actually glance at Dazai, though, because the whole thing is too uncomfortable for actual eye contact. He's not expecting Dazai to continue, to make that confession, and he's not sure how to react to it. None of this was planned.]
-- You would?
[It's too simple. There has to be conditions. Or it's a joke.
He won't ask for clarification, though. He's pretty sure that if Dazai is serious, he means all of it, choking him, fucking him, anything else they might come up with. There's no point in trying to drag more information out of Dazai here when even this much was a struggle. Besides, it probably still won't even happen.]
It doesn't mean anything if we do.
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Of course it doesn't mean anything. It didn't then, and it wouldn't in the future.
[Except... it did mean something. Dazai knows it; Chuuya is lying. He'd admitted as much when he'd talked about that feeling of powerlessness he doesn't get with anyone other than Dazai, when he'd trusted his 'enemy' to wrap hands around his throat knowing that's the only person he's defenseless to.]
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It's just because Dazai is the only one who can put Chuuya in a position where he can't fight back.]
Right. It's just sex. I don't mind letting you do what you want.
[Chuuya knows how this will go down if they do it again. He'll be the one to give up control, but that's okay. That's how he wants it.]
It's easier with someone I can't stand.
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But! Dazai isn't thinking about that. He's rolling his eyes instead.]
Is that your secret, then? You're a masochist? Ah- Perhaps not a secret.
[Something in the room feels better than it had, even if Chuuya is still clearly not at his best. The air between them isn't as heavy, and Chuuya's voice sounds more normal. More annoying. Dazai isn't relieved; it's just an observation.]
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Shut up.
[He'd been expecting to be mocked, but it still catches him off guard when it happens. And it's not like Dazai hadn't already figured it out. Of course the asshole knew after what they did, the conversation they had. He's going to kick his ass.
Some other time, though. He's pretty sure he'd still collapse if he tried to move.]
I know you'd never agree to anything else. That's all.
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...yeah, sure.]
I'm not agreeing to anything. Hypothetically, I said I'd do it again.
[Dazai stands himself up from the bed, and turns to look down at Chuuya in the way he so enjoys doing. There's always a height advantage here, whether they're sitting or standing; him standing while Chuuya is sitting in bed just provides more of one.]
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But the deliberate towering is familiar. Chuuya has to tilt his head back to look up at him, and he's definitely not sulking. He's glaring.]
From you that means you want me to work for it. And I won't.
[He really wishes he had the strength to punch him.]
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Are you that lazy? Do what you want.
[He ought to leave now; there's no reason for him to stay. Chuuya is fine, recovering in bed; he's been warmed up with tea Dazai didn't have to make, and sort of out of the mood he'd been in earlier. But somehow, Dazai wants to linger.]
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