indensity | (no subject)

[Of course Chuuya knows. He does know Dazai, something he takes pride in, because he knows how much Dazai hates being known. Daai is wandering because he's sorting through his thoughts, because something is bothering him, but Chuuya doesn't know exactly what it is about what happened that's bothering him so much. He doesn't know why he's upset. Although being forced to have sex could get to anyone.

Chuuya had expected himself to be fine with that part. And it's not really having sex with Dazai that bothers him, or even the fact that they were probably being watched, but it's still somehow making him feel too much.]

Then don't. I can still call for a car.

[Can, but won't, especially since they're just a block away now. Once they turn that corner, he'll be able to see his building. He wants to get in, get out of these wet clothes, and then maybe take a bath until he's warm again. Or maybe just pass out immediately.

He wonders if Dazai will -- No. No, he doesn't want that, and can't let himself think about that. Dazai will take him to his apartment, and then he'll leave, get back to wandering the city. They won't talk to each other until they run into each other again, or until they're forced to work together for some reason. It's the way it has to be. Dazai chose it, and he'll choose it again, and Chuuya is fine with it. He wants it that way, too.]

I was usually the one to do it for you, anyway.

[Except not always. Chuuya got hurt sometimes, too. And he always needed it after using Corruption.]

[Talking to Chuuya like this, after avoiding him entirely, somehow makes things both better and worse. It’s like things are the same between them but also not, like there’s something big they’re stepping around and refusing to acknowledge. Is that why Chuuya is out running in this state? Dazai hates how easy he is to read.

No, it’s definitely not the sex that is making things weird. It’s… the other stuff. The hands around Chuuya’s neck and the way he’d looked at Dazai with utmost trust, and that’s just disgusting.]

You’re not going to call for a car. You’re hardly far from your apartment at all.

[Somehow, the lack of space between them grows warm despite how cold Chuuya is, and the rain wetting them. Dazai both wants to press into it and pull away; instead, he just stays as he is, supporting Chuuya towards the apartment building Dazai knows too well.

It’s true, too, that this had been reversed often enough in the past. Dazai, with no sense of self preservation and a penchant for throwing himself in harm’s way to accomplish a goal, relying on luck—and Chuuya—to keep him from dying.]

I never asked for your help. Not a single time.

[But he did allow it. Expected it, sometimes. And Chuuya was always there, and Dazai hates that memory, too.]

[Chuuya hadn't expected Dazai to actually believe him when he said he was going to call a car, but he wouldn't have been surprised if Dazai had used it as an excuse. This is awkward. Uncomfortable. This is everything they both hate, so it would have made sense for Dazai to get away.

He kind of appreciates that he's staying.]

And I never asked for yours.

[He kind of did. He asked Dazai to lend him his shoulder. But Dazai had been following him anyway, so it doesn't count. He wouldn't have asked if Dazai wasn't already staying, and he wouldn't have complained if he left. It's not like Dazai leaving would be anything new.

Except that Dazai never leaves him in danger, just like Chuuya has never left him in danger. It's too complicated between them, but those things have always stayed true, no matter what else has been going on. It doesn't even make any sense. They hate each other. No, hate isn't a strong enough word. They despise everything about each other. Chuuya misses him, right now, more than he did at any other time during the four years Dazai was gone.]

How the fuck do you know where I live?

[He's trying to deflect the topic away from this again. Of course Dazai knows where he lives. Chuuya knows where Dazai lives, too, even if he's never been there, even if he'd deny it if anyone (even Mori) asked. But hopefully Dazai will hate being questioned on it.]

Did you come to this part of the city on purpose?

[Of course Dazai knows where Chuuya lives. He’s known since he moved there, a new apartment fitting his high status in the Port Mafia. Dazai knows how to get in and out, knows how much it costs, knows the security precautions. He knows each of the tenants around Chuuya’s unit. It’s not because he cares; it’s because it would be stupid not to keep tabs on his ex-partner. That’s it.]

Do you really think it’s hard to find out where you live? I just follow the scent of overpriced wine.

[This should be nothing new between them, but even Dazai’s insults seem empty. He’s very much off, blames it on his mood, and doesn’t question why Chuuya has never made an effort to keep Dazai from knowing his location. It’s stupid, allowing an enemy to know where you live.

But it’s not like Chuuya doesn’t know where Dazai lives, too.

He doesn’t appreciate it being implied that he’s here on purpose.]

Of course not. I happened to end up this way. If I’d realized where I was going, I would have ended up in the river far before running into you.

[It’s obviously not true, because Dazai has never not known where he is. And even he isn’t sure why he’s here. He shouldn’t be. He doesn’t want to see Chuuya, and yet here he is. Always dragged back into it. Annoying.]

[Why would Chuuya try to hide where he lives from Dazai. Dazai would only ever see it as a challenge if he tried, and Chuuya doubts it would take more than a week before he’d find some sign that his apartment had been broken into. He’d come home to find all his liquor missing, most likely, and a trail of bandages to make sure there’d be no doubt who the culprit was.

And he doesn’t want or need to hide from Dazai anyway.

But he’s still going to use it against him. The change of topic is a relief, because it means they’re no longer talking about Chuuya, and what Chuuya should or shouldn’t be doing after using Corruption. The weak insults Dazai is now throwing out in retaliation are easier to deal with than being called out. Especially since he can’t risk being made to explain himself.]

You always know where you are.

[It could still be a coincidence that Dazai is here. It most likely is, but facts like that don’t matter.]

If you were hoping for round two, you’ll have to wait.

[He knows that won’t be it at all, but Chuuya really can’t get it out of his head.]

[Yes, Dazai does always know where he is. Even when he's wandering without a reason, when he doesn't pay any attention to his surroundings, as soon as he looks around enough, he knows. He really hadn't intended to stumble upon Chuuya, but... Maybe there was some reason for him ending up in this direction. Not that Dazai is going to think about it long enough to warrant consideration.

It's when Chuuya mentions a round two that Dazai does momentarily tense. He'd expected that to be a non-topic between them, something they simply would not discuss, ever, but here Chuuya is, throwing it out into the open almost immediately. What a pain. Dazai has spent far too much money on booze in an attempt to not think about it.]

Are there guns pointed to our heads? Are we trapped in an otherwise-inescapable room? [He looks around, exaggerated.] Hm. Then my answer is... I'd rather die.

[He doesn't know why Chuuya would bring this up. It was unpleasant, something they were forced into. Neither of them wanted it, nor would they want it in ordinary circumstances. Right? Right. Dazai is making the executive decision for that being the case.]

[Shit. It had just slipped out of him. They're always throwing jabs, but not like that, definitely not something that suggests Chuuya would be willing to go for a round two. He's not, he's just exhausted and out of it, unable to focus on anything other than the warmth of Dazai next to him. He's been unable to think about anything other than Dazai at all, even before he ran into him.

Can he backtrack? He... Probably could, actually, because Dazai knows how badly Corruption affects him. But Dazai being willing to let a topic go doesn't mean he won't be assuming something from Chuuya's words.][It's not at all what he said. He makes sure to turn his face towards where they're walking - almost at his building now.]

Just making sure we're on the same page.

[The weight of the past few days feel even heavier all of a sudden. He puffs up his cheeks and then exhales that air slowly, creating a frustrated noise.]

[This isn't fun. Dazai doesn't like this; Chuuya isn't angry enough, isn't making those faces he makes when he's threatening to snap each of Dazai's bones, one at a time. This is too serious, weighs down Dazai's already sullen mood, and it's always at times like this when he feels his most self-destructive. But now he's got to escort Chuuya back to his apartment, and how did he end up in that situation, again?]

We are most definitely on the same page.

[It doesn't feel like they're fighting. It feels too much like agreeing, like getting along, and that makes Dazai uncomfortable. He could drop Chuuya right here, just to be a dick, but that would actually put him in a situation where he's helpless, and Dazai doesn't like that, either. Every time he's left Chuuya after Corruption, it's been in a more or less safe place, or with someone coming to get him.

All of these things are way too much for Dazai to want to think about. He's tired.

But at least they're coming up on Chuuya's building now; Dazai can see it, and it's more familiar than he'd be willing to admit.]

Can you make it inside on your own, or do I have to do that for you, too?

[Chuuya's fingers grip onto Dazai's shoulder a little tighter when he says that. He's not aware of doing it, or he'd force himself to let go instead, but he's... He's tired and he's fucking lonely. He hates himself for actually wanting Dazai around.]

I never needed you to help me at all.

[It's extremely defensive. He even forces himself to speed up a bit, walk a little bit faster that last distance, even though his body immediately starts objecting. His legs hurt, like they're being pulled apart, the way it feels when he's using Corruption. He's not even using his ability right now.

His breathing is already getting more strained again. He ignores it.]

Come on. I want you out of my life faster.

[That anger is still missing. He doesn't have the energy for it, but it's more than that. What happened really did get to him, and he has no idea how to deal with it alone if he can't just bury himself in work, exercise and wine.

He can still drink, at least. It's a bad idea, but he can do it.]

[Dazai knows Chuuya didn’t need help. He knows it, and yet here he is anyway — and that irritates him. Why? There’s no reason, Chuuya would be fine on his own. And even if he wouldn’t, then who is Dazai to care?

Chuuya’s pace speeds up, and Dazai matches him. He knows holding Chuuya back will only spur him on more — and again, Dazai reminds himself, he does not care.]

As if I want to be in your life any longer than a absolutely necessary.

[Even though… none of this is necessary. He doesn’t need to be here. Chuuya doesn’t need him, and Dazai doesn’t need Chuuya. It’s what he’d hammered home when he left the mafia, when he left Chuuya on his own after what they’d been forced to do. And as long as Chuuya runs with that, everything is fine.]

[Talking like this stings more than it usually would. He's not sure why, when he should be used to it - they talked like that before Dazai left, too, and Dazai leaving had just cemented it all as fact. He tries to shove those thoughts down again, but decides not to answer, because there's no point in going on about it. They're almost at his building anyway, and then Dazai can leave.

Without warning, Chuuya's legs buckle under him.]

Shit.

[He tries to hold onto Dazai's coat, realizes it won't support him, and then lets go to avoid dragging Dazai down with him. He drops to his knees, hitting the ground hard.]

Shit. I don't know what just --

[He pushed himself too far. Of course he knows that. But he'll be fine, just give him a minute and he'll get back up.]

[It's not entirely unexpected, Chuuya's legs giving out, but it's still a startling amount of weight to suddenly be pulling him down. Chuuya lets go, though, drops to the ground himself, and he can hear the impact of Chuuya's knees. This is absolutely not the worst situation they've ever been in, but it's annoying -- the fact that Dazai is still thinking enough about someone who should be utterly inconsequential that he's irritated at the state Chuuya is in.]

You don't know what just happened? Is that what you were about to say?

[Dazai crouches down, an unimpressed, unamused look on his face. He knows exactly what happened, and Chuuya does, too. He pushed himself too far, the way he's got a terrible habit of doing, and now Dazai has to deal with it.

(He's ignoring the fact that he really doesn't have to; there's no Mori to scold him for leaving his partner behind.)]

Think quick. What's the most humiliating way for you to be carried?

[Chuuya gives Dazai a slighlty annoyed look, because he had been about to say that, but he'd stopped himself. And it's not like he didn't know. It's just a habit to deflect when something happens, when he accidentally shows weakness, and right now he's a lot weaker than he wants anyone to know about. Except... At least it's Dazai, he thinks. He's still the only person Chuuya would trust in a situation like this.

Which doesn't make him any less annoyed. And it doesn't make that question any easier to answer.]

I don't need anyone to carry me!

[But he knows it's too late now. He annoyed Dazai, so Dazai is going to humiliate him. He hates that he's actually thinking about the question as though Dazai can demand an answer from him.]

... Tossed over your shoulder.

[Chuuya doesn't need anyone to carry him, sure--if he feels like lying here until the strength comes back to his legs, which honestly seems humiliating enough for Dazai to consider leaving him to it. But that's too easy, he tells himself; if Dazai is going to best Chuuya, it'll be through something he actually has to try at, not leaving him on the ground because he was too stupid to take a day off.

At least the answer is amusing. Over his shoulder? Dazai can do that. He might not be the strongest, but it's not like Chuuya is the tallest, either. The idea of it almost makes him want to laugh, and it's a shame Dazai won't be able to see the way Chuuya looks like that, but knowing it'll humiliate him will have to be enough.]

Alright then, since you asked for it. Come here.

[They'll need to... cooperate a bit here, Chuuya getting close enough for Dazai to bend in and scoop him forward over his shoulder. So, if Chuuya really doesn't want it, then he certainly can fight it. Dazai somehow doubts he will, though.]

[He does cooperate. He hates it, but of course he does, moving into position as much as he can, letting Dazai lift him up. It's definitely an uncomfortable position to be carried in, with his head upside down behind Dazai's back, but for once he doesn't even really complain besides some grunts of discomfort. His body still hurts, after all.

But he won't argue when Dazai is honestly annoyed. It's not just their usual badgering of each other, Dazai got to the point of honestly calling him out, and Chuuya --

He knows Dazai is right, and he hates that even more. That's why he'll accept this.]

At least hurry.

[He doesn't want to be seen like this. At least they're right by his building already. Chuuya manages to fish his keys out of his pocket, and drops them into Dazai's pocket instead, knowing he'll feel the weight of them as they fall in and recognize what it is.]

[It would be much easier to support Chuuya walking like he'd been doing before, but admittedly the fact that Chuuya should hate this is a small form of compensation. Plus, this means Dazai will get out faster.]

You're telling me to hurry like I enjoy this.

[He's trudging forward; the weight on his shoulder isn't too bad like this, but Dazai dislikes the feeling of Chuuya, warm and solid, though not as warm as he should be. What a fool, going out for a run like this, in his condition. Chuuya has always, always been a fool.

There's the feeling of keys dropping into Dazai's pocket; he shifts his weight to grab them out, fits them into the lock and feels the too-familiar click. He's picked this several times before. Actually... this might be his first time with a real key. And the steps leading towards Chuuya's apartment, the floor and the door number, all familiar. Why does Dazai know this so well?

He really doesn't have a good reason.]

[Chuuya won't comment again on the fact that Dazai clearly knows exactly where he's going. It's not like it's surprising anyway. He starts to offer directions a couple of times, but Dazai is already heading the right way before he can get the words out, so he drops it. But he does offer his door code, once they reach it, sounding relieved.

This is uncomfortable. And humiliating. He's being carried like a sack of rice. And he's almost falling asleep anyway, because his body is that desperate for rest.]

My bedroom is over there.

[He's not sure Dazai needs those directions either, but he doesn't want to think about that too much. Has Dazai been in this apartment? He moved here after Dazai left the Port Mafia.]

... You broke in before, didn't you.

[The door code hasn't changed since Dazai figured it out last time, though he hasn't mentioned that little detail to Chuuya. He's keeping it in his back pocket, in case he ever needs to get in. And... yes, Dazai has broke in before.]

Of course not. Why would I want to be in a place I might run into you?

[But he does suspiciously know where Chuuya's bedroom is, and maybe has rifled through things once or twice--because. Maybe he's moved some things around, or hidden them for the hell of it. Familiarizing yourself with the enemy's life is never a bad thing.

His shoulder is starting to ache, though, so when Dazai nudges open the door with his knee, he'll cross the floor, and deposit Chuuya on the bed just like a sack of rice. And with that, his work will be done, and Dazai can wash his hands of any sense of responsibility for this. Not that he'd had any.]

[Chuuya lets out an annoyed grunt when he lands on the bed. It's uncomfortable, though he's relieved he's no longer being carried like that. He'd prefer to just pretend it never happened.]

Whatever, I don't give a shit. Don't break in again.

[He wants a bath, but that would be a bad idea, since he'd just fall asleep in the water. He wants to strip off these wet clothes and hide under every blanket he has, but he's not sure he's able to move enough to even take off his clothes. So he's just going to lie there, exactly where Dazai dumped him.

He's watching Dazai, expecting him to leave. They've already let this drag on for too long when they should be avoiding each other like the plague.]

But there's a bottle of whisky in the living room I don't care if you take.

[As an apology. Or a thank you. Or -- something.]

[Oh, Dazai will break in again. Especially since Chuuya told him not to — though there’s no real threat behind the words, and Dazai dislikes that. He also dislikes the way Chuuya just… stays where he’s been dumped. What the hell is wrong with him? Dazai knows he’s particularly weak after using Corruption, which is an absolute pain, but Chuuya is at least his usual annoying self most of the time.

Hands on hips, Dazai stares down at him. He doesn’t want to touch what might be causing this, because that’s far too messy, and he’s been trying his hardest to avoid thinking about it. Actually, it’s impressive he’s sober right now.

The offer — yes, it’s an offer — of whisky makes him raise a brow, and then heave a frustrated sigh.]

What the hell is wrong with you? If you’re offering me something, I don’t want it. At least—

[He was going to demand Chuuya take his wet clothes off, but Dazai bites the sentence in two, realizing what that sounds like. And he’s not going there.]

[Dazai isn't leaving. Chuuya doesn't know why he isn't leaving, when he clearly should. All of this feels too uncertain, too complicated, too... Something. They're not partners, and even as partners, they hated each other. He doesn't want to feel whatever it he's feeling right now. It's like whatever fragile dynamic they've managed to maintain has just been blown apart.

He makes a gesture like he's chasing Dazai out.]

Figured you'd take it anyway. This way you don't get to be smug about stealing from me.

[That's not why at all, and they both know it. But he doesn't have the energy to come up with anything more convincing, either.]

[Being chased out doesn't work on Dazai, even if Chuuya were more capable of just a casual hand gesture to do it. (He's really piling on excuses now.) Dazai knows he has absolutely no obligation to make sure Chuuya is okay, but this lack of anger is... annoying, that's what it is, and it's irritating Dazai more by the minute.]

It's creepy when you offer me things. I'm not taking it. I'll just take something else instead.

[If he can needle Chuuya enough to get him to snap, then Dazai can leave. It seems like a reasonable plan; drag Chuuya out of whatever weird space he's in, turn things back to normal. Because things need to be normal between them. Even when Dazai had come back after disappearing for four years, Chuuya's anger had been refreshing. Yeah, that's a word for it.]

You're not using that new car you got, right?

[Chuuya wants to get angry. He wants to throw something at Dazai. He's not sure he has the energy for it, but when the hell has not having the energy for something even mattered? He's going to push himself up, and then push himself to his feet, ignoring that he feels shaky and weak and that his body is screaming at him again. He's shivering from the cold, and he's ignoring that, too.

He does almost manage a half convincing glare at Dazai.]

Do you want me to break every bone in your body?!

[It's definitely not as threatening as it would be, considering all he wants to do is fall backwards again. But he can at least try to put on a show.]

I changed my mind. You don't get to take anything.

[That's... better. Still not nearly as threatening as Chuuya normally is -- not that Dazai ever buys it -- but better than the way he'd just been lying there. Except now Dazai wants to demand he get back on the bed, because it looks like he's about to fall right back over.]

In that case, I'll take it.

[They both know, at this point, that it's a game they're playing. A performance. Dazai is prodding Chuuya to play his part, but the halfhearted performance doesn't feel right. It's even throwing Dazai off, and he doesn't sound like as much of a petty bitch as he usually does. And he doesn't even want to take the whisky.]

Honestly, I'd much rather the entertainment of seeing you try to break every bone in my body. But since you're in such a state... [Dazai nods his head towards Chuuya's bed.] Might as well not make a jog the thing that finally kills you.

[Chuuya hates being ordered around by Dazai. He hates it even more when Dazai is right. At least he didn't say the words directly, didn't try to outright tell Chuuya to get back on the bed, so when he immediately gives in and sits down on the edge, he can almost pretend it's his own choice. He would have fallen over soon if he hadn't.

But annoyance gives him strength. Or maybe he's just too cold and desperate. He manages to find the energy to pull his sweatshirt over his head, along with the t-shirt he had under, dropping them both in a pile on the floor.

It's even more obvious now that he's shaking from the cold, goosebumps covering his too pale skin.]

I'll do it next time I see you.

[He's just keeping up the threats for normalcy's sake. Because Dazai would want him to, really. He lets himself fall sideways so his head is at least in the vicinity of a pillow.]

Since you've broken in before, you know how to let yourself out.