[He wouldn't. The idea that Dazai wouldn't even give it a second thought hurts, but then, Chuuya remembers the tone in Dazai's voice that time. He'd given it more than just a second thought.
[Is it that easy for Chuuya to believe Dazai's bullshit? Well... all for the best. That's what the goal was, right? So, Dazai is relieved, and pleased, and-]
Fuck, stop kicking me!
[Dazai tries to step on Chuuya's foot, instead of moving back out of range. Because, you know, that's just how they do things.]
Of course I had to kill you. You were out of your mind, listening to reason even less than usual.
[He hadn't wanted to kill Chuuya at all. Dazai would much rather Chuuya have killed him, which was why he played things out the way he did.]
[Chuuya yanks his foot back, hoping Dazai will lose his balance. It’s what the bastard deserves. To fall right on his ass and bruise it. Except that if he does fall, Chuuya will try to catch him.
He doesn’t want to see Dazai get hurt again right now.]
That was barely an attempt to kill me. I’m not counting it.
[And he’s going to milk that for as long as he can, even though technically he doesn’t get anything for it. But now he’s in the mood to annoy Dazai about it. Find out how far he can push it.
Or maybe he’s just exhausted and sleep deprived, but at least he can get drunk on top of it all. ]
I feel connected to your stuff. Especially this bottle.
[Or maybe he’s already a little bit drunk. Maybe he shouldn’t be drinking.]
[Honestly, fuck you, Chuuya! This is the most annoying he's been in a long time, and Dazai is regretting now more than ever saying those things. He hadn't even meant any of them! Probably.]
Do you feel connected to my foot in your face?
[Dazai will try to kick him again without question, but he's still nursing that broken leg, so it's probably better to not get into a fight with Chuuya right now. At least, not a physical one.]
The only time I have ever felt connected to you is because someone forced us together. I would rather never see your face again, but life is cruel.
[Except that Chuuya doesn’t want to fight him. He wants to be petty, not violent, which is why he holds onto the bottle as tightly as he can, refusing to let Dazai have it. There’s probably another bottle somewhere in the room with something left in it, Dazai can have that.
He briefly considers just biting Dazaims hand to make him let go.]
Fine. If you don’t want to see me, I’ll drink this, then head to the nearest bar and find someone to fuck me. It’s pretty easy finding better company than you.
[He’s half serious. He doesn’t want to leave, but if he has to, at least if he finds someone to fuck him he might be able to get some sleep afterwards.]
[Of course Chuuya's mind goes to bars and fucking. Dazai does not look annoyed in the least. He doesn't feel annoyed, either. Better to get Chuuya out of his hair!]
Why didn't you do that instead of breaking into my apartment?
[Ah- No, Dazai isn't supposed to be picking at the obvious holes in Chuuya's logic. He wants him gone, remember?
Dazai gives another tug to the bottle.]
You couldn't have come here just to see me. Obviously.
[He's entering dangerous territory here, but Dazai knows Chuuya will always deny it, even if it's true. Even if they both know how true it is.]
[Dazai is calling him out. Chuuya has to come up with a lie or admit that he needed to see Dazai. He wasn't prepared for Dazai to actually go there. He lets go of the bottle, surprised, unable to find a response. Shit.]
It's a shitty apartment. A broken window doesn't even lower the value at this point.
[He's deflecting, and he knows he's being obvious about it. He tries to snatch the bottle back again.]
[ And there it is; Dazai gets the bottle, and feels quite smug about it. He pulls it out of the way before Chuuya can grab it, and takes a drink. On top of that, Chuuya is definitely avoiding the topic, which marks another win for Dazai. ]
It's a shitty apartment, but it's my shitty apartment, and I won't stand for property damage.
[ He pauses, the taste of alcohol still bitter on his tongue. No shit Chuuya hadn't seen Dazai since they came back. He'd thought it was a mutual agreement to avoid each other. ]
[Chuuya stands up to snatch the bottle back, ending up standing too close, head craned back to look at Dazai. He resists the impulse to press even closer, but if Dazai tries to step back, he'll grab his shirt.]
I'm not paying for it. You can afford it.
[Dazai is putting on a good show of being poor, but Chuuya has no doubt he has money stashed away in multiple locations and countries.]
[ Dazai stares down at Chuuya. Yes, this is very much too close. He holds the bottle out of reach, and does indeed step back. ]
So, you break in and refuse to compensate me, steal my alcohol, and won't leave? Very much like a roach, refusing to die. And here I thought you couldn't possibly get any more annoying.
[ It's true; Dazai can afford to fix the window. He just won't bother until Kunikida yells at him, and the Agency gets it fixed. Why would he care about a broken window? No, it is the principle of the thing. Chuuya broke it, so Chuuya should fix it.
He should also get out, and never talk about any of this again, like they were supposed to be doing. ]
[The second Dazai is moving, Chuuya grabs his shirt tight, like he's preventing him from running away. Chuuya is probably the one who should be running.]
And I didn't think you could be more of a coward.
[That's probably unfair, but Chuuya can't reach the bottle, and Dazai is refusing to answer any questions. He really should give up and leave, like Dazai clearly wants him to, but when has either of them ever done what the other wants?]
[Not only is Dazai annoyed; he's angry. Or maybe the anger masks something else, but it's easier to slap a different name over it, pulling back at the grip on his shirt. Don't they have an unspoken agreement? Dazai can't have been the only one following that.]
Again, I have no idea what you're talking about. I had my fill of you while you were running around being Fyodor's dog. If you can't get enough of me, that isn't a problem I'm willing to help you with.
[Not that Dazai has ever been willing to help Chuuya with anything.]
[He's not surprised. Chuuya did fuck up pretty badly, even if in the end it worked out, and they were able to work together. He grips Dazai's shirt more tightly to stop him from moving, and then reaches up to brush his bangs to the side, where the scar left behind by the bullet is still too fresh. The guilt has been destroying Chuuya.]
Not about this, though. Even though you should be. [He lets Dazai's bangs fall back into place.] You defeated that rat.
[Dazai hates that almost-gentle movement, the brush of hair away from his forehead. This is not what they're meant to be; they are meant to fight and bicker and hate each other. Chuuya shooting Dazai in the head was only a natural consequence of their relationship -- even if it hadn't truly been meant to kill Dazai. He had known it could happen, and was fine with it.
Apparently, Chuuya is not.]
I should be angry about something I orchestrated? Hardly. I'm only angry you didn't do the job properly.
[Dazai wants to pull back, but Chuuya's grip on his shirt is firm.]
Of course I defeated him. Honestly, your lack of faith in me is deeply insulting, Chuuya.
[Even though one of Dazai's main interests had been seeing Chuuya survive the ordeal... there is no way he's going to mention that.]
[Chuuya won’t let go. He knows holding on is only pissing Dazai off more, but he can’t bring himself to. He refuses to think about that too deeply.]
If you orchestrated all of it, then you can’t be angry that I was stuck listening to the orders of that rat, either.
[Chuuya is pissed at himself. He’d needed to be there, at the prison, but he’d almost failed, he’d almost killed Dazai. He still remembers how much blood there had been, most of it because Chuuya shot him, some of it because he’d hat to let Dostoyevsky make the elevator fall.
Chuuya’s only goal, those moments where the vampire curse didn’t suppress everything he was, had been to get Dazai out of there alive.
Though losing his own humanity - what humanity he has - has always been his worst nightmare. Dying doesn’t scare him, but dying as a vampire does.]
I wasn’t his damn dog. I was fighting him every second.
[And why is it pissing Dazai off so much? Because Chuuya is too close, prodding too deep into something that might resemble actual feelings, and Dazai isn't equipped to deal with that.]
Oh, I can't be angry, can I?
[Don't you tell him what he can and can't do, Chuuya.
God, Dazai hates thinking about Chuuya caring. Truly a disgusting thought. He'd much prefer that stupid, back-and-forth mutual hatred they have had going for years. He hates that Chuuya is here, that he's clearly bothered about something, and that he has the audacity to try and bring it up.]
You allowed yourself to get turned in the first place.
[And while it had been something Dazai planned for, that doesn't mean he liked it.]
I had to let myself get turned, to protect my subordinates. The situation here was really fucking bad, Dazai. But that was all part of your calculations, right?
[Maybe Dazai will never forgive Chuuya for the kind of person he is. But he definitely knew he'd sacrifice himself if he had to, and that had brought him to Meursault, which is where Dazai had needed him to be. Chuuya trusted Dazai's plans in that way - he knew he'd be able to figure out what Dazai needed him to do next, just from what was happening.
He had trusted him this time, too, even with everything that had gone wrong, and everything he'd had to risk.]
The situation here is still bad. We're still cleaning up the mess. I haven't slept since I got back. But if you wanna take it out on me that your shitty plan worked out for you and that agency of yours, then go ahead.
[ Had to let himself? Yes, he did. Dazai knows it, but that isn't even the part that had bothered him. (Well, maybe a little. He's just spent so long on insisting on Chuuya's humanity that it felt like some kind of cruel irony.)
No, the thing that bothered him most was Fyodor. Isn't Chuuya his dog? Anyone seeing their dog responding so readily to another master would be bothered. That's all it was. ]
I'm not taking anything out on you. Isn't it you who came to harass me, when I am simply trying to enjoy a drink?
[And he's frustrated enough now that he doesn't mind admitting it. He's not giving in here, he's not letting Dazai win, even if he's exhausted and a little drunk from the booze he managed to steal, and even if he hates the argument as much as Dazai does. But he can't let it go, either.
Besides, if he fucked up for good, it's better to know for sure.]
It's a suggestion. Stop being a coward and take it out on me like you obviously want to.
[He yanks on Dazai's shirt again, to force him closer.]
[ Dazai wants to take it out on Chuuya. He wants to push him against a wall and bite his lips bloody, to tell him how stupid he is, how disgusting it was to see him turn tail and become someone else's dog.
But also, that would all be admitting that he hated it - every second of it - and shatter the fake-cheerful indifference he'd much prefer to keep. ]
Your M side is showing, Chuuya.
[ And Dazai's fingers are quick to loop under his collar and yank, mean. ]
Do you really want me to show you how I felt about your little stunt?
[Chuuya stumbles half a step forward, only saved by how close they were already standing. If you can call it that, when he ends up balancing on his toes, forced up by Dazai's grip on his collar.]
I'm not being a masochist. I'm just starting to doubt you have it in you.
[Maybe he shouldn't keep antagonizing Dazai when his mood is already this bad. He refuses to back down, though. He's seeing this through, no matter the outcome. It's not like he's scared of this bastard. He's just tired.
And he's relieved. Dazai grabbing his collar is a good sign.]
[It's true; for them, Dazai gripping his collar is a good sign. If he really weren't going to stay, if he didn't want to talk, Dazai would be gone entirely. Chuuya has known him long enough to understand all the stupid, little intricacies of Dazai's shitty personality.
He shoves at Chuuya, pushes him back, keeps a grip on the collar.]
You could have ruined everything.
[Not true; Dazai always plans for each outcome. It would have worked out still, but there is one thing it could have ruined, and that's something neither of them talk about.]
[Chuuya's balance is normally excellent, even with Dazai touching him, without his ability, but Dazai already has him up on tiptoe. He stumbles back at the shove, scrambles to get his feet back under him. He's being held up by his collar and his own grip on Dazai's shirt - just barely.]
I had to get to you!
[And he was out of options otherwise!]
It was a shitty plan but I trusted you!
[Is he calling Dazai's plan shitty or his own? Both?]
I was never gonna shoot you no matter how he tried to control me!
[There's a space of silence between them, after Chuuya speaks. Dazai doesn't say anything, because - and this is often a problem with Chuuya - he simply doesn't know what to say. Chuuya is far too honest for his own good; Dazai would never, ever humiliate himself like this, saying exactly what he means without any lies involved. Who does that?
A shitty plan. I trusted you.]
You trusted me. Why do you keep doing that?
[They're meant to hate each other. That has been their whole thing, and Dazai doesn't plan on letting it change because Chuuya can't control himself.]
Ah, I see, I see. It's that you were too much of a coward to shoot me.
[Dazai might be a dick, but he's never betrayed Chuuya's trust, not really. Out of everyone in Chuuya's life, Dazai has always been the one he can count on the most. So he might doubt everything else that goes on between the two of them, but not that, no matter what Dazai says.
And what he's saying is pretty weak anyway.]
Yeah, sure, not shooting you makes me a coward. What the hell am I supposed to be scared of, huh, Dazai?
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[He wouldn't. The idea that Dazai wouldn't even give it a second thought hurts, but then, Chuuya remembers the tone in Dazai's voice that time. He'd given it more than just a second thought.
He kicks Dazai again.]
If you really had to kill me... I'd understand.
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Fuck, stop kicking me!
[Dazai tries to step on Chuuya's foot, instead of moving back out of range. Because, you know, that's just how they do things.]
Of course I had to kill you. You were out of your mind, listening to reason even less than usual.
[He hadn't wanted to kill Chuuya at all. Dazai would much rather Chuuya have killed him, which was why he played things out the way he did.]
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[Chuuya yanks his foot back, hoping Dazai will lose his balance. It’s what the bastard deserves. To fall right on his ass and bruise it. Except that if he does fall, Chuuya will try to catch him.
He doesn’t want to see Dazai get hurt again right now.]
That was barely an attempt to kill me. I’m not counting it.
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Great, then we can drop it.
[Why did he even come here? To steal cheep liquor? To antagonize Dazai? To break his window???]
Now, would you kindly get out of my apartment? Ah, wait. Minus the kindly part.
[Leave Dazai to brood in peace! He'd been doing so well not thinking about this at all!!!]
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[And he’s going to milk that for as long as he can, even though technically he doesn’t get anything for it. But now he’s in the mood to annoy Dazai about it. Find out how far he can push it.
Or maybe he’s just exhausted and sleep deprived, but at least he can get drunk on top of it all.
]
I feel connected to your stuff. Especially this bottle.
[Or maybe he’s already a little bit drunk. Maybe he shouldn’t be drinking.]
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Do you feel connected to my foot in your face?
[Dazai will try to kick him again without question, but he's still nursing that broken leg, so it's probably better to not get into a fight with Chuuya right now. At least, not a physical one.]
The only time I have ever felt connected to you is because someone forced us together. I would rather never see your face again, but life is cruel.
[He grabs for the bottle Chuuya is drinking.]
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[Except that Chuuya doesn’t want to fight him. He wants to be petty, not violent, which is why he holds onto the bottle as tightly as he can, refusing to let Dazai have it. There’s probably another bottle somewhere in the room with something left in it, Dazai can have that.
He briefly considers just biting Dazaims hand to make him let go.]
Fine. If you don’t want to see me, I’ll drink this, then head to the nearest bar and find someone to fuck me. It’s pretty easy finding better company than you.
[He’s half serious. He doesn’t want to leave, but if he has to, at least if he finds someone to fuck him he might be able to get some sleep afterwards.]
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Why didn't you do that instead of breaking into my apartment?
[Ah- No, Dazai isn't supposed to be picking at the obvious holes in Chuuya's logic. He wants him gone, remember?
Dazai gives another tug to the bottle.]
You couldn't have come here just to see me. Obviously.
[He's entering dangerous territory here, but Dazai knows Chuuya will always deny it, even if it's true. Even if they both know how true it is.]
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It's a shitty apartment. A broken window doesn't even lower the value at this point.
[He's deflecting, and he knows he's being obvious about it. He tries to snatch the bottle back again.]
I haven't seen you since we came back.
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It's a shitty apartment, but it's my shitty apartment, and I won't stand for property damage.
[ He pauses, the taste of alcohol still bitter on his tongue. No shit Chuuya hadn't seen Dazai since they came back. He'd thought it was a mutual agreement to avoid each other. ]
Now you've seen me. Get out.
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I'm not paying for it. You can afford it.
[Dazai is putting on a good show of being poor, but Chuuya has no doubt he has money stashed away in multiple locations and countries.]
I'm not leaving.
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So, you break in and refuse to compensate me, steal my alcohol, and won't leave? Very much like a roach, refusing to die. And here I thought you couldn't possibly get any more annoying.
[ It's true; Dazai can afford to fix the window. He just won't bother until Kunikida yells at him, and the Agency gets it fixed. Why would he care about a broken window? No, it is the principle of the thing. Chuuya broke it, so Chuuya should fix it.
He should also get out, and never talk about any of this again, like they were supposed to be doing. ]
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And I didn't think you could be more of a coward.
[That's probably unfair, but Chuuya can't reach the bottle, and Dazai is refusing to answer any questions. He really should give up and leave, like Dazai clearly wants him to, but when has either of them ever done what the other wants?]
How long were you planning on hiding?
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Again, I have no idea what you're talking about. I had my fill of you while you were running around being Fyodor's dog. If you can't get enough of me, that isn't a problem I'm willing to help you with.
[Not that Dazai has ever been willing to help Chuuya with anything.]
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So you are angry.
[He's not surprised. Chuuya did fuck up pretty badly, even if in the end it worked out, and they were able to work together. He grips Dazai's shirt more tightly to stop him from moving, and then reaches up to brush his bangs to the side, where the scar left behind by the bullet is still too fresh. The guilt has been destroying Chuuya.]
Not about this, though. Even though you should be. [He lets Dazai's bangs fall back into place.] You defeated that rat.
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Apparently, Chuuya is not.]
I should be angry about something I orchestrated? Hardly. I'm only angry you didn't do the job properly.
[Dazai wants to pull back, but Chuuya's grip on his shirt is firm.]
Of course I defeated him. Honestly, your lack of faith in me is deeply insulting, Chuuya.
[Even though one of Dazai's main interests had been seeing Chuuya survive the ordeal... there is no way he's going to mention that.]
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If you orchestrated all of it, then you can’t be angry that I was stuck listening to the orders of that rat, either.
[Chuuya is pissed at himself. He’d needed to be there, at the prison, but he’d almost failed, he’d almost killed Dazai. He still remembers how much blood there had been, most of it because Chuuya shot him, some of it because he’d hat to let Dostoyevsky make the elevator fall.
Chuuya’s only goal, those moments where the vampire curse didn’t suppress everything he was, had been to get Dazai out of there alive.
Though losing his own humanity - what humanity he has - has always been his worst nightmare. Dying doesn’t scare him, but dying as a vampire does.]
I wasn’t his damn dog. I was fighting him every second.
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Oh, I can't be angry, can I?
[Don't you tell him what he can and can't do, Chuuya.
God, Dazai hates thinking about Chuuya caring. Truly a disgusting thought. He'd much prefer that stupid, back-and-forth mutual hatred they have had going for years. He hates that Chuuya is here, that he's clearly bothered about something, and that he has the audacity to try and bring it up.]
You allowed yourself to get turned in the first place.
[And while it had been something Dazai planned for, that doesn't mean he liked it.]
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[Maybe Dazai will never forgive Chuuya for the kind of person he is. But he definitely knew he'd sacrifice himself if he had to, and that had brought him to Meursault, which is where Dazai had needed him to be. Chuuya trusted Dazai's plans in that way - he knew he'd be able to figure out what Dazai needed him to do next, just from what was happening.
He had trusted him this time, too, even with everything that had gone wrong, and everything he'd had to risk.]
The situation here is still bad. We're still cleaning up the mess. I haven't slept since I got back. But if you wanna take it out on me that your shitty plan worked out for you and that agency of yours, then go ahead.
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No, the thing that bothered him most was Fyodor. Isn't Chuuya his dog? Anyone seeing their dog responding so readily to another master would be bothered. That's all it was. ]
I'm not taking anything out on you. Isn't it you who came to harass me, when I am simply trying to enjoy a drink?
[ A whole lot of drinks: sulking. ]
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[And he's frustrated enough now that he doesn't mind admitting it. He's not giving in here, he's not letting Dazai win, even if he's exhausted and a little drunk from the booze he managed to steal, and even if he hates the argument as much as Dazai does. But he can't let it go, either.
Besides, if he fucked up for good, it's better to know for sure.]
It's a suggestion. Stop being a coward and take it out on me like you obviously want to.
[He yanks on Dazai's shirt again, to force him closer.]
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But also, that would all be admitting that he hated it - every second of it - and shatter the fake-cheerful indifference he'd much prefer to keep. ]
Your M side is showing, Chuuya.
[ And Dazai's fingers are quick to loop under his collar and yank, mean. ]
Do you really want me to show you how I felt about your little stunt?
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I'm not being a masochist. I'm just starting to doubt you have it in you.
[Maybe he shouldn't keep antagonizing Dazai when his mood is already this bad. He refuses to back down, though. He's seeing this through, no matter the outcome. It's not like he's scared of this bastard. He's just tired.
And he's relieved. Dazai grabbing his collar is a good sign.]
Show me. Go ahead.
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He shoves at Chuuya, pushes him back, keeps a grip on the collar.]
You could have ruined everything.
[Not true; Dazai always plans for each outcome. It would have worked out still, but there is one thing it could have ruined, and that's something neither of them talk about.]
Do you ever think?
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I had to get to you!
[And he was out of options otherwise!]
It was a shitty plan but I trusted you!
[Is he calling Dazai's plan shitty or his own? Both?]
I was never gonna shoot you no matter how he tried to control me!
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A shitty plan. I trusted you.]
You trusted me. Why do you keep doing that?
[They're meant to hate each other. That has been their whole thing, and Dazai doesn't plan on letting it change because Chuuya can't control himself.]
Ah, I see, I see. It's that you were too much of a coward to shoot me.
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[Dazai might be a dick, but he's never betrayed Chuuya's trust, not really. Out of everyone in Chuuya's life, Dazai has always been the one he can count on the most. So he might doubt everything else that goes on between the two of them, but not that, no matter what Dazai says.
And what he's saying is pretty weak anyway.]
Yeah, sure, not shooting you makes me a coward. What the hell am I supposed to be scared of, huh, Dazai?