[Chuuya won’t let go. He knows holding on is only pissing Dazai off more, but he can’t bring himself to. He refuses to think about that too deeply.]
If you orchestrated all of it, then you can’t be angry that I was stuck listening to the orders of that rat, either.
[Chuuya is pissed at himself. He’d needed to be there, at the prison, but he’d almost failed, he’d almost killed Dazai. He still remembers how much blood there had been, most of it because Chuuya shot him, some of it because he’d hat to let Dostoyevsky make the elevator fall.
Chuuya’s only goal, those moments where the vampire curse didn’t suppress everything he was, had been to get Dazai out of there alive.
Though losing his own humanity - what humanity he has - has always been his worst nightmare. Dying doesn’t scare him, but dying as a vampire does.]
I wasn’t his damn dog. I was fighting him every second.
[And why is it pissing Dazai off so much? Because Chuuya is too close, prodding too deep into something that might resemble actual feelings, and Dazai isn't equipped to deal with that.]
Oh, I can't be angry, can I?
[Don't you tell him what he can and can't do, Chuuya.
God, Dazai hates thinking about Chuuya caring. Truly a disgusting thought. He'd much prefer that stupid, back-and-forth mutual hatred they have had going for years. He hates that Chuuya is here, that he's clearly bothered about something, and that he has the audacity to try and bring it up.]
You allowed yourself to get turned in the first place.
[And while it had been something Dazai planned for, that doesn't mean he liked it.]
I had to let myself get turned, to protect my subordinates. The situation here was really fucking bad, Dazai. But that was all part of your calculations, right?
[Maybe Dazai will never forgive Chuuya for the kind of person he is. But he definitely knew he'd sacrifice himself if he had to, and that had brought him to Meursault, which is where Dazai had needed him to be. Chuuya trusted Dazai's plans in that way - he knew he'd be able to figure out what Dazai needed him to do next, just from what was happening.
He had trusted him this time, too, even with everything that had gone wrong, and everything he'd had to risk.]
The situation here is still bad. We're still cleaning up the mess. I haven't slept since I got back. But if you wanna take it out on me that your shitty plan worked out for you and that agency of yours, then go ahead.
[ Had to let himself? Yes, he did. Dazai knows it, but that isn't even the part that had bothered him. (Well, maybe a little. He's just spent so long on insisting on Chuuya's humanity that it felt like some kind of cruel irony.)
No, the thing that bothered him most was Fyodor. Isn't Chuuya his dog? Anyone seeing their dog responding so readily to another master would be bothered. That's all it was. ]
I'm not taking anything out on you. Isn't it you who came to harass me, when I am simply trying to enjoy a drink?
[And he's frustrated enough now that he doesn't mind admitting it. He's not giving in here, he's not letting Dazai win, even if he's exhausted and a little drunk from the booze he managed to steal, and even if he hates the argument as much as Dazai does. But he can't let it go, either.
Besides, if he fucked up for good, it's better to know for sure.]
It's a suggestion. Stop being a coward and take it out on me like you obviously want to.
[He yanks on Dazai's shirt again, to force him closer.]
[ Dazai wants to take it out on Chuuya. He wants to push him against a wall and bite his lips bloody, to tell him how stupid he is, how disgusting it was to see him turn tail and become someone else's dog.
But also, that would all be admitting that he hated it - every second of it - and shatter the fake-cheerful indifference he'd much prefer to keep. ]
Your M side is showing, Chuuya.
[ And Dazai's fingers are quick to loop under his collar and yank, mean. ]
Do you really want me to show you how I felt about your little stunt?
[Chuuya stumbles half a step forward, only saved by how close they were already standing. If you can call it that, when he ends up balancing on his toes, forced up by Dazai's grip on his collar.]
I'm not being a masochist. I'm just starting to doubt you have it in you.
[Maybe he shouldn't keep antagonizing Dazai when his mood is already this bad. He refuses to back down, though. He's seeing this through, no matter the outcome. It's not like he's scared of this bastard. He's just tired.
And he's relieved. Dazai grabbing his collar is a good sign.]
[It's true; for them, Dazai gripping his collar is a good sign. If he really weren't going to stay, if he didn't want to talk, Dazai would be gone entirely. Chuuya has known him long enough to understand all the stupid, little intricacies of Dazai's shitty personality.
He shoves at Chuuya, pushes him back, keeps a grip on the collar.]
You could have ruined everything.
[Not true; Dazai always plans for each outcome. It would have worked out still, but there is one thing it could have ruined, and that's something neither of them talk about.]
[Chuuya's balance is normally excellent, even with Dazai touching him, without his ability, but Dazai already has him up on tiptoe. He stumbles back at the shove, scrambles to get his feet back under him. He's being held up by his collar and his own grip on Dazai's shirt - just barely.]
I had to get to you!
[And he was out of options otherwise!]
It was a shitty plan but I trusted you!
[Is he calling Dazai's plan shitty or his own? Both?]
I was never gonna shoot you no matter how he tried to control me!
[There's a space of silence between them, after Chuuya speaks. Dazai doesn't say anything, because - and this is often a problem with Chuuya - he simply doesn't know what to say. Chuuya is far too honest for his own good; Dazai would never, ever humiliate himself like this, saying exactly what he means without any lies involved. Who does that?
A shitty plan. I trusted you.]
You trusted me. Why do you keep doing that?
[They're meant to hate each other. That has been their whole thing, and Dazai doesn't plan on letting it change because Chuuya can't control himself.]
Ah, I see, I see. It's that you were too much of a coward to shoot me.
[Dazai might be a dick, but he's never betrayed Chuuya's trust, not really. Out of everyone in Chuuya's life, Dazai has always been the one he can count on the most. So he might doubt everything else that goes on between the two of them, but not that, no matter what Dazai says.
And what he's saying is pretty weak anyway.]
Yeah, sure, not shooting you makes me a coward. What the hell am I supposed to be scared of, huh, Dazai?
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no subject
If you orchestrated all of it, then you can’t be angry that I was stuck listening to the orders of that rat, either.
[Chuuya is pissed at himself. He’d needed to be there, at the prison, but he’d almost failed, he’d almost killed Dazai. He still remembers how much blood there had been, most of it because Chuuya shot him, some of it because he’d hat to let Dostoyevsky make the elevator fall.
Chuuya’s only goal, those moments where the vampire curse didn’t suppress everything he was, had been to get Dazai out of there alive.
Though losing his own humanity - what humanity he has - has always been his worst nightmare. Dying doesn’t scare him, but dying as a vampire does.]
I wasn’t his damn dog. I was fighting him every second.
no subject
Oh, I can't be angry, can I?
[Don't you tell him what he can and can't do, Chuuya.
God, Dazai hates thinking about Chuuya caring. Truly a disgusting thought. He'd much prefer that stupid, back-and-forth mutual hatred they have had going for years. He hates that Chuuya is here, that he's clearly bothered about something, and that he has the audacity to try and bring it up.]
You allowed yourself to get turned in the first place.
[And while it had been something Dazai planned for, that doesn't mean he liked it.]
no subject
[Maybe Dazai will never forgive Chuuya for the kind of person he is. But he definitely knew he'd sacrifice himself if he had to, and that had brought him to Meursault, which is where Dazai had needed him to be. Chuuya trusted Dazai's plans in that way - he knew he'd be able to figure out what Dazai needed him to do next, just from what was happening.
He had trusted him this time, too, even with everything that had gone wrong, and everything he'd had to risk.]
The situation here is still bad. We're still cleaning up the mess. I haven't slept since I got back. But if you wanna take it out on me that your shitty plan worked out for you and that agency of yours, then go ahead.
no subject
No, the thing that bothered him most was Fyodor. Isn't Chuuya his dog? Anyone seeing their dog responding so readily to another master would be bothered. That's all it was. ]
I'm not taking anything out on you. Isn't it you who came to harass me, when I am simply trying to enjoy a drink?
[ A whole lot of drinks: sulking. ]
no subject
[And he's frustrated enough now that he doesn't mind admitting it. He's not giving in here, he's not letting Dazai win, even if he's exhausted and a little drunk from the booze he managed to steal, and even if he hates the argument as much as Dazai does. But he can't let it go, either.
Besides, if he fucked up for good, it's better to know for sure.]
It's a suggestion. Stop being a coward and take it out on me like you obviously want to.
[He yanks on Dazai's shirt again, to force him closer.]
no subject
But also, that would all be admitting that he hated it - every second of it - and shatter the fake-cheerful indifference he'd much prefer to keep. ]
Your M side is showing, Chuuya.
[ And Dazai's fingers are quick to loop under his collar and yank, mean. ]
Do you really want me to show you how I felt about your little stunt?
no subject
I'm not being a masochist. I'm just starting to doubt you have it in you.
[Maybe he shouldn't keep antagonizing Dazai when his mood is already this bad. He refuses to back down, though. He's seeing this through, no matter the outcome. It's not like he's scared of this bastard. He's just tired.
And he's relieved. Dazai grabbing his collar is a good sign.]
Show me. Go ahead.
no subject
He shoves at Chuuya, pushes him back, keeps a grip on the collar.]
You could have ruined everything.
[Not true; Dazai always plans for each outcome. It would have worked out still, but there is one thing it could have ruined, and that's something neither of them talk about.]
Do you ever think?
no subject
I had to get to you!
[And he was out of options otherwise!]
It was a shitty plan but I trusted you!
[Is he calling Dazai's plan shitty or his own? Both?]
I was never gonna shoot you no matter how he tried to control me!
no subject
A shitty plan. I trusted you.]
You trusted me. Why do you keep doing that?
[They're meant to hate each other. That has been their whole thing, and Dazai doesn't plan on letting it change because Chuuya can't control himself.]
Ah, I see, I see. It's that you were too much of a coward to shoot me.
no subject
[Dazai might be a dick, but he's never betrayed Chuuya's trust, not really. Out of everyone in Chuuya's life, Dazai has always been the one he can count on the most. So he might doubt everything else that goes on between the two of them, but not that, no matter what Dazai says.
And what he's saying is pretty weak anyway.]
Yeah, sure, not shooting you makes me a coward. What the hell am I supposed to be scared of, huh, Dazai?