[That's definitely worse - so aren't you glad that Dazai saved you all that nonsense? He'll take your thank-you in writing, much appreciated. ... Actually, carrying the bags is adequate compensation too, so he'll let it slide.]
Hmm, let's see...
[There's a wine store, but he's skipping that one just on principle. Then there's a book store, but he also knows what he'll end up reading yet another copy of if he goes there, so he'll pass... This is kind of bad. He did want to offer Chuuya a distraction, but the idea of much more shopping is already kind of tiresome.]
How about we just grab a drink from the konbini and find somewhere to sit?
[Why that seems less boring than shopping is anyone's guess, but there ya go. Anyway, he can be convinced to shop more if Chuuya really wants.
He just also wants to have a drink - coffee or alcohol, either works! - and maybe nap for a bit while lying on a park bench with his head in Chuuya's lap. They were up all night, so! That's clearly a logical and reasonable plan!]
[Chuuya had definitely expected to be dragged into some ridiculous tourist shop or something else like that, and he wouldn't even have minded if that's what Dazai wanted. This works, too, though. Choosing these outfits had taken a while, and with the lack of sleep, he's definitely low on energy. Most days he'd use adrenaline to keep going, but that's not an option here.
Relaxing sounds nice, actually.]
Sure. And if there'a a store you wanna go to later, it can still be your turn to pick.
[But they also don't have to. There's probably other things they can do to waste time, or they can keep driving. Maybe he can have their other clothes mailed home so they don't have to deal with these bags.
But he doesn't even want to worry about that much, really. There's a konbini close by, and they can ask there if there's any parks nearby while getting those drinks Dazai wanted. And maybe a few snacks, too, because it would be a waste not to.]
[The park is small and simple, but it does what parks do best: provide some nice surroundings that feel a lot quieter than a shopping district, even though they attract so many people that the difference is probably minimal at best. It's nice and green though, and the air feels fresh. That's definitely worth something.
Their breakfast had been nice and all, but Dazai thinks he still prefers the simplicity of this: some coffee (Dazai's probably for the road); some nice and refreshing chuuhai; some snacks of Chuuya's choosing that Dazai may or may not indulge in. He'll unfortunately have to stay seated while he drinks, but oh boy is he ever gonna (pretend to) nap after that.]
[Chuuya probably shouldn't drink if he'll be driving, but... that's never actually stopped him before. And it's not like he'll be drinking a lot, so it's fine.]
Kanpai!
[He grins, pops the can open, takes a sip. It's a little nostalgic, too. He hasn't done this sort of thing since... Well, since Dazai left.
And that's weird to think about. This used to be exactly the type of thing he'd do. Drink in places you're not supposed to, because why would he care about rules, or what people think. He used to be the kind of person people wouldn't want in their bars anyway. People would assume he was trouble, and try to kick him out before he even got started... Not so much anymore.
I thought you would like a drink named after yourself.
[Absolutely not what it was named after. But hey, does that mean that Chuuya gets to be high? In Dazai's mind?? It's almost a compliment!]
It's nice and refreshing. Perfect for days like this.
[Also low in alcohol, which does help with the driving, if and when it happens. Anyway, clearly Dazai is the only one really at risk if they crash? So he gets to take these chances.
After a nice, long drink, he leans back against the bench they're sitting on, just taking in the weather. It really is pretty nice, just sitting like this - not that Dazai's ever let the likes of work get in his way.]
[No, if they crash, Chuuya will protect Dazai with his own body if he has to. But that's a risk he's willing to take.]
Does that mean you think about me every time you drink this?
[Just following Dazai's logic here... Even though obviously, if he's gonna get a drink named after him, it's gotta be something more expensive. A rare wine would be best, but he wouldn't object to a mixed drink if it's good enough.]
It was one of my favorites, forever ago.
[Before he learned to appreciate wine and stronger drinks. He leans back too, surprisingly relaxed for him, shoulder bumping into Dazai's arm. He doesn't pull away. If he survived the humiliation of stroking his hands across Dazai's chest while shopping earlier, then touching like this should be fine. It just looks like they're sitting close together to leave room at the other edge of the bench, in case someone else needs it.]
[Don't be dumb and get yourself killed, Chuuya. (Okay, Chuuya not being dumb is only marginally more likely than Chuuya not being hot - but still! There are a lot of things Chuuya shouldn't be doing, clearly.)]
You say that like I drink it all the time.
[Which is neither confirmation nor denial, really. And maybe it's a bit of a letdown, after what Chuuya had built up a theoretical confirmation to be, but it's honest. From Dazai, that means something.
For what it's worth: he doesn't sound happy about supposedly not drinking chuuhai and thinking about Chuuya that often. It's not like he needs chuuhai for the latter, but regardless -...
Well, maybe part of him does miss what they used to have, even though there are a billion reasons why he'd never go back to those times. Not even to the two of them in those times.]
It's definitely not the drink I'd want anyone associating with me anyway.
[A slight deflection. He does know the significance of Dazai being honest. At the same time, knowing how much Dazai hates these types of serious conversations, it makes him feel a little awkward, too. He shouldn't have to go that far for Chuuya.
He drinks a bit more, buying himself a few seconds to think. Plus, he's liking it more now that he's gotten used to the flavor again. When he tips his head back, the sun is in his eyes.]
I guess even you outgrew those kinds of childish things.
[Maybe not high praise, because -... Listen, he doesn't say it, but he can think it. Because this is a relatively serious conversation somehow - how does something so simple and basic manage to be serious for them?! - and Dazai just isn't fond of those, even though he can't exactly expect Chuuya to be open and honest if Dazai doesn't do the same... to the best of his ability.
Well, at least sitting here doing some lowkey drinking as they almost-not-quite lean against each other is pretty nice. It feels like a long time since they just quietly existed together. In retrospect, Dazai is not sure if they ever really did - though arguably that says more about his definition of "just existing" than anything.]
It's not always a matter of outgrowing things. Sometimes you just want a change.
[Just existing is complicated when there was always so much pressure on them. They were set up to be rivals as much as partners, and everyone always had opinions on what their relationship was or should be. Did they ever really try to just figure that out for themselves? Chuuya still wouldn't even know where to start. And he, at least, still isn't remotely free of that pressure.
But they're not in Yokohama right now.]
Suits you better.
[He's said it before. Still means it. It does hurt a bit to say.
Even if it's 100% about drinks.]
Better to figure out a drink you actually enjoy, than to just stick to the same old thing out of habit. Even if your taste is still questionable.
[Dazai, on the other hand, never really experienced much pressure regarding what they are or aren't - not from others, at least. Who cares what other people think? There was the pressure from Mori to work together, of course, but even that wasn't too bad for Dazai, even if it was unwelcome at the time (because Mori wanting something tends to end badly for everyone involved). Most pressure came entirely from within Dazai himself, to make sense of this one dumb toy that refused to break, this one not!person so similar to himself and yet the complete opposite.
It wouldn't have made him happy if he'd been able to waltz over Chuuya like he was able to waltz over most everyone else. In retrospect, he can admit that to himself. But what that means is something he doesn't want to spend too much time analyzing, even now. All the thinking and planning in the world won't change the few things in life that may just actually matter. Dazai knows that better than most.
Dazai thought he was being pretty subtle with his drink analogy, but Chuuya being so absolutely obvious about it makes him smile, leaning against Chuuya outright now, because he can, and why wouldn't he?]
[Something about that smile really gets to him. The way Dazai leans into him doesn't help, either. It's ridiculous the effect Dazai has on his pulse just by doing something so simple. At least there's no way for the seemingly all-knowing bastard to tell, he thinks, even if he's not actually sure it would be bad if he could.
He returns the smile, and that weight by leaning more against Dazai as well. He decidedly doesn't check if anyone else in the park has noticed. But as much as it hurts to talk about Dazai leaving, knowing he'll always belong somewhere different to Chuuya, the confirmation - or lack of correction - that he's better off... It's reassuring to be reminded that even if he did leave, it wasn't because he wanted to leave Chuuya.]
Guess you could say the same about me.
[No, Chuuya wouldn't have wanted Dazai to stay for him. Whatever they have doesn't belong to the Port Mafia anyway, and especially not to Mori. Which is also why it's causing some problems, but there's no getting around that.]
I already made up my own mind about what drinks I enjoy.
[To bring back an ancient and accurate saying: very subtle, much wow.
Really, they have no business being so comfortable like this. Maybe it's the lack of sleep leading to some hard-earned semi-relaxation out here in the pleasantly fresh air. Or maybe, God forbid, they could always be like this, if only they let themselves. ... Nah, definitely easier to blame it on the surroundings and be done with it.]
Chuuya is so bad about handling his drinks, though... [Dazai laments loudly, but for once it's not with the aim of mocking Chuuya.] Try not to overdo it too often?
[Clearly it is accurate in the literal sense as well, so any highly subtle references to anything outside of drinks are purely in Chuuya's imagination.
Dazai honestly doesn't think Chuuya should leave the mafia. The mafia needs strong players too, and Chuuya has always seemed pretty happy there, for better or worse. As long as that doesn't change, Chuuya should definitely stay. Buuuuut Dazai knows that Mori may sacrifice anyone if he has a reason to, and that is always a concern. Even if it's unlikely that Mori would discard someone as useful and loyal as Chuuya... a 0.1% chance is still a chance, isn't it?]
[This definitely wasn't possible in the past. Any explanation would make more sense than that. It really felt impossible back then, even if maybe, just maybe, he'd sort of wanted it. But their partnership has always felt so fragile.
Even though nothing has made a dent in it yet. At least not one that hasn't also healed.]
I can handle more than you give me credit for, you know. Never needed you to finish my drinks, I know my own limits.
[Except he knows Dazai will argue that point, whether they're talking about actually drinking or anything else. But he can just keep talking to cut him off.]
That makes even less sense if you don't even like my drinks.
[And Chuuya does like the mafia. He loves his subordinates. It's just complicated.]
[In some twisted way, their partnership (or what passes for it these days) has really become more solid since Dazai left the mafia. Part of it can be blamed on Mori and how the man took advantage of their childish rivalry, no doubt; another part is probably just because they grew up a little. Dazai isn't sure how he feels about that last part, actually - especially the part where it's pushed them apart as much as it has improved(?) their relationship(??) - but it is what it is.]
I like cleaning up your vomit if you overdo it even less.
[Not that Dazai would really do cleaning of any kind, and vomit is hardly the bodily fluid he's talking about, but yanno. This is a conversation they're having, and it's definitely about drinks, so..!]
There's handling and there's handling.
[Just because you can ingest a lot doesn't mean you won't puke. Just because you can survive a lot doesn't mean you won't get hurt.
So no, Chuuya definitely doesn't know his limits. But Dazai is being nice(???) and not saying that in so many words.]
[Dazai might be nice(???) about it, but Chuuya doesn't like being called out either way. He knows it's true, unfortunately, but he also doesn't like the implication that other people might get saddled with his mess. Being the one to support other people has been a part of his identity for too long. He fights for them, works for them, carries the burdens they need him to, because he's meant to be strong enough to handle it all.
But maybe not handle it, no.
And it has been better since the Sheep. He has a few people who support him, too, whether or not he wants them to. And Dazai has always been one of them, in his own way, even when things where complicated between them, even when Mori was taking advantage of their rivalry, reminding Chuuya that if he didn't work hard, Dazai would be given the power to destroy those things that mattered most to Chuuya personally.
Dazai never would have destroyed those things, though.]
Fine.
[Dazai's right, again. But maybe that's not a bad thing this time. It feels good to have a partner he can rely on.]
[Dazai, who'd been chilling and enjoying the scenery until that point, looks over at Chuuya in something that might be actual surprise or simple questioning, it's hard to be sure.]
Oh?
[Maybe he's hoping that Chuuya will finally spill some details about the motivation behind this would-be kidnapping. Maybe he's just asking for an explanation for how the fuck Dazai is involved, when Dazai, for all his plotting, is pretty sure he can't be held responsible for this little shindig.]
[If that's surprise on Dazai's face, he should write down the date somewhere. That's always a notable event.]
Or caught up in it, at least.
[But he can always blame Dazai anyway, even if he's in no way responsible. Shouldn't the default always be to blame Dazai?
And that's all the clarification he gives for a few moments. It's easier when Dazai isn't looking at him, because he knows just how well Dazai can read him, and at least when Dazai's face was turned away Chuuya could pretend he had no way of knowing what expressions are on his face. But the delay is also because he's taking this seriously, which means he can't rush his answers. His first attempt from earlier hadn't made much sense. He takes a few more seconds to decide where to start.]
There was no way to hide how much time I'm spending with a traitor.
[He waves a hand dismissively at the last word, to make it clear Chuuya doesn't think of Dazai as a traitor. But the Port Mafia is a giant organization, and there's enough people who do still consider him that. Who believe he's a dangerous threat.]
But I've decided what I want, and I'm making a point.
[Okay, no, that's really embarrassing to admit. He has to bite back a defensive comment about don't read anything into it bastard, but it's probably too late for that to be convincing. Doesn't mean he can't try if he has to.]
[Send him flowers a year after the fact for the surprise-iversary. Or, better yet: send him booze.
Honestly, Dazai is a traitor, objectively - and he's incredibly dangerous, so the ones in the mafia who see him in the worst light probably have the right of it. Well, it's not like he had many fans, even when he was still in the organization himself... Being a traitor just gave people an easy excuse to be vocal about hating him. If it wasn't for Mori intervening, Dazai would probably need to bother taking care of people trying to kill him every single day. Not only would it be a full-time occupation (gross!), but innocent people would get caught up in it sooner or later.
Not that he's grateful to Mori, of course. This is the least he owes Dazai - and that is why Dazai is willing to let Mori stay where he is for now.
This is kind of funny, though. It does make Dazai almost-sorta-kinda genuinely happy, but what he can't get over first and foremost (perhaps deliberately, really) is how delightfully silly Chuuya is.]
Why is it that Chuuya always insists on making a point about the worst possible things?
[You really don't want to rub people's noses in it, especially when those people are the mafia. It just creates a whole mess. Not that Dazai thinks it's a bad thing at all. It's just entertaining to see Chuuya find new ways to be silly.
[A defensive sound, not annoyed. Dazai is teasing him, and Chuuya is definitely embarrassed because of the implication of what he just confessed, but that reaction at least isn't a bad one. Dazai seems almost pleased.]
I'm not gonna make a point about every little thing. Most things don't matter.
[He knows he's implying that this does matter. But Dazai only asks questions like that when he's already sure of the answer anyway. So it's too late. Chuuya's posture turns slightly more hunched next to him, but he doesn't pull away, or try to hide his face. He does look away, though.]
Besides, even if I didn't make a point like this, you're still spending a lof of time in my apartment. It would only be a matter of time. Consider this speeding up the process.
[There are ways to deal with distrust within the ranks, ways Chuuya can earn it back. But there's also Mori to consider. So far he's made the occasional, seemingly innocuous comment, and those never bode well when it comes to his boss. He's probably watching how this develops before deciding what he optimal solution is.]
[It's been how many years?! Dazai can look at the silliness of it all with amusement due to a touch of disconnection that really shouldn't apply - but at least it's not a bad thing here. He really does think Chuuya is adorable... and, all right, maybe he's a bit pleased for his own benefit as well. It is flattering to get such a chaotic but lively confession, after all... and maybe a bit more than that besides.
Mori is always a threat, but that hasn't changed from before just because Chuuya being sorta-kinda more open about things like this, probably. There is the little matter of this essentially fucking up the tripartite tactic keeping Yokohama safe, but... times have changed, and that particular plan hasn't been as effective lately as it presumably was right after the war. Dazai can think of a few ways to adapt it to the current situation, but he guesses he'll find out which one Mori thinks is best soon enough.
It'd be nice if it didn't include a bullet through his brain. But he's probably safe, he thinks.]
How long before I get a proposal and we move in together? Twenty years?
[Wait - what is that in dog years?
Okay, he's joking, but he's also not being at all malicious about any of this. It's surprisingly comfortable to adapt to their not-actually-new relationship status, and play around with it a little bit.]
[Chuuya opens his mouth to say something - something defensive again, to counter the way Dazai is teasing him.
But this really isn't going the way he'd expected. He'd wanted to find a way to avoid making this a confession, but he'd also half-prepared, at the back of his mind, a few ways to reassure Dazai. Chuuya isn't expecting anything more from him, he'd never ask for that, he knows things are complicated, he knows that's not who Dazai is, besides they both have their own lives, and Dazai has to stay loyal to his own people first of all. Chuuya knows how the world works. And Chuuya has chosen this life for himself as well. His point to the Port Mafia is just that he's not giving up on what they've been doing anyway - he's not changing the status quo.
Except that kidnapping Dazai really can't be called anything else than destroying that status quo. But the two of them are good at excuses like that, and pretending it's the truth.
Because wanting something is terrifying.
But Dazai doesn't seem to mind at all. He's encouraging it. They've been getting closer for months now - he knows that, really, he's not stupid (shut up) - but saying it out loud makes it terrifyingly real.
His mouth closes as he turns his face away abruptly. But then, after another second, he does speak.]
Tch. Bastard trying to embarrass me.
[He rubs at the back of his neck. And then glances back at Dazai again. Don't make him want too much.]
You're the one always sneaking off in the middle of the night anyway. I never said you couldn't stay.
It can't be helped. Chuuya looks good when he's embarrassed.
[Just gonna interject with that real quick, because clearly that's a solid line of reasoning right there. If it's also as close to a returned confession as Dazai can easily manage, well, that's obviously just a coincidence.
He does feel a bit called out when Chuuya speaks again, though, and not in a good way.]
... That's true. You didn't.
[Dazai had many excellent practical reasons for "sneaking off" - his personal safety on mafia territory first and foremost; perhaps avoiding Mori's revenge on Chuuya, too - but somehow, he doesn't feel like listing them. They were reasons, yes, and good ones too, but he still could have found a way around all of that, if he'd chosen to.
So should he have chosen to? The question weighs on him oddly heavily for a moment, as if this is really all on him. It's not, and he knows it, but it's not like Chuuya could have single-handedly changed their relationship status without Dazai's cooperation, and so it does feel like it's always been up to Dazai to make that choice. And - from his end, at least - it is.
There's not really any point in dwelling on "wasted time" or any of that nonsense now, though, just like it's a bit useless to bring back Dazai's concerns about never being able to have what he wants when this is something he's had for a while already. At this point, why shouldn't they try it?
Maybe it's just a reverse seven-year itch! That seems legit.]
Clearly Chuuya just needs to make me breakfast every time! Then I might be inclined to stay.
[Clearly Dazai doesn't need to put in any effort to make him look better. Embarrassment not needed.
Maybe calling Dazai out was a bit unfair, though. But then, Chuuya shouldn't be the only one freaking out at least a little about all this. And even details like that are important, right? Maybe? He really doesn't know the first thing about relationships.]
If you'll eat burnt eggs, sure.
[Dazai rarely eats breakfast, as far as he knows, so he might as well serve burnt eggs. Or he can just fill a cookie jar for Dazai to steal from.
He pauses briefly.]
I know it's complicated.
[For once, that's just a quiet acknowledgment of the truth. Spending the night is complicated, and Dazai just spending time with Chuuya has already made things complicated. Their lives have never fully been their own. There are too many people watching, evaluating the threat of letting them exist, and of letting them exist together.
He also knows that Dazai just needs his own space at times. And that he rarely sleeps more than a couple of hours at a time, so of course he wouldn't stay in bed, but that's not really what they're talking about here. Of course Dazai can leave if he's restless like that.]
But that was always something to figure out together. [Meaning it wasn't on Dazai to make that decision - and they couldn't have done it before this moment, since they had to acknowledge what was going on between them first.] Even if, yeah, I did kinda force the issue today. [Which he almost sounds embarrassed about now.] But whatever, it's not like I haven't been working to mitigate the fallout. [Even if this kidnapping was very spontaneous.] And you have your failsafes. So we can handle it.
[Not that he's agreeing that Chuuya always looks good, or anything. ... Well, maybe just a little bit. But that's not something worth arguing about, anyway.
Cookies for breakfast is absolutely legit. But what about donuts? That and some coffee is more than enough for Dazai.]
It's not like it's new for Chuuya to force issues all over the place.
[Dazai sighs deeply, but it's not really a negative thing, more of an acceptance of this new status quo - and yes, perhaps he could stand to be more outwardly happy about it, but he's not disregarding the many risks just yet. Besides, he really has no idea how to do this relationship thing, no more than Chuuya does. It makes things oddly awkward, for someone used to knowing basically everything (in his own mind, at least).]
So? What else do you think we need to figure out together?
[That kind of feels like a dirty word here, he can't help it. He's trying to make concessions here, and he is absolutely willing to do so, but that doesn't mean he has to be happy about the idea of doing so!!]
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... Actually, carrying the bags is adequate compensation too, so he'll let it slide.]
Hmm, let's see...
[There's a wine store, but he's skipping that one just on principle. Then there's a book store, but he also knows what he'll end up reading yet another copy of if he goes there, so he'll pass...
This is kind of bad. He did want to offer Chuuya a distraction, but the idea of much more shopping is already kind of tiresome.]
How about we just grab a drink from the konbini and find somewhere to sit?
[Why that seems less boring than shopping is anyone's guess, but there ya go. Anyway, he can be convinced to shop more if Chuuya really wants.
He just also wants to have a drink - coffee or alcohol, either works! - and maybe nap for a bit while lying on a park bench with his head in Chuuya's lap. They were up all night, so! That's clearly a logical and reasonable plan!]
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Relaxing sounds nice, actually.]
Sure. And if there'a a store you wanna go to later, it can still be your turn to pick.
[But they also don't have to. There's probably other things they can do to waste time, or they can keep driving. Maybe he can have their other clothes mailed home so they don't have to deal with these bags.
But he doesn't even want to worry about that much, really. There's a konbini close by, and they can ask there if there's any parks nearby while getting those drinks Dazai wanted. And maybe a few snacks, too, because it would be a waste not to.]
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Their breakfast had been nice and all, but Dazai thinks he still prefers the simplicity of this: some coffee (Dazai's probably for the road); some nice and refreshing chuuhai; some snacks of Chuuya's choosing that Dazai may or may not indulge in. He'll unfortunately have to stay seated while he drinks, but oh boy is he ever gonna (pretend to) nap after that.]
Kanpai~
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Kanpai!
[He grins, pops the can open, takes a sip. It's a little nostalgic, too. He hasn't done this sort of thing since... Well, since Dazai left.
And that's weird to think about. This used to be exactly the type of thing he'd do. Drink in places you're not supposed to, because why would he care about rules, or what people think. He used to be the kind of person people wouldn't want in their bars anyway. People would assume he was trouble, and try to kick him out before he even got started... Not so much anymore.
Has he changed that much?]
I forgot how terrible chuuhai is.
[He likes it.]
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[Absolutely not what it was named after. But hey, does that mean that Chuuya gets to be high? In Dazai's mind?? It's almost a compliment!]
It's nice and refreshing. Perfect for days like this.
[Also low in alcohol, which does help with the driving, if and when it happens. Anyway, clearly Dazai is the only one really at risk if they crash? So he gets to take these chances.
After a nice, long drink, he leans back against the bench they're sitting on, just taking in the weather. It really is pretty nice, just sitting like this - not that Dazai's ever let the likes of work get in his way.]
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Does that mean you think about me every time you drink this?
[Just following Dazai's logic here... Even though obviously, if he's gonna get a drink named after him, it's gotta be something more expensive. A rare wine would be best, but he wouldn't object to a mixed drink if it's good enough.]
It was one of my favorites, forever ago.
[Before he learned to appreciate wine and stronger drinks. He leans back too, surprisingly relaxed for him, shoulder bumping into Dazai's arm. He doesn't pull away. If he survived the humiliation of stroking his hands across Dazai's chest while shopping earlier, then touching like this should be fine. It just looks like they're sitting close together to leave room at the other edge of the bench, in case someone else needs it.]
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You say that like I drink it all the time.
[Which is neither confirmation nor denial, really. And maybe it's a bit of a letdown, after what Chuuya had built up a theoretical confirmation to be, but it's honest. From Dazai, that means something.
For what it's worth: he doesn't sound happy about supposedly not drinking chuuhai and thinking about Chuuya that often. It's not like he needs chuuhai for the latter, but regardless -...
Well, maybe part of him does miss what they used to have, even though there are a billion reasons why he'd never go back to those times. Not even to the two of them in those times.]
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[A slight deflection. He does know the significance of Dazai being honest. At the same time, knowing how much Dazai hates these types of serious conversations, it makes him feel a little awkward, too. He shouldn't have to go that far for Chuuya.
He drinks a bit more, buying himself a few seconds to think. Plus, he's liking it more now that he's gotten used to the flavor again. When he tips his head back, the sun is in his eyes.]
I guess even you outgrew those kinds of childish things.
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[Maybe not high praise, because -... Listen, he doesn't say it, but he can think it. Because this is a relatively serious conversation somehow - how does something so simple and basic manage to be serious for them?! - and Dazai just isn't fond of those, even though he can't exactly expect Chuuya to be open and honest if Dazai doesn't do the same... to the best of his ability.
Well, at least sitting here doing some lowkey drinking as they almost-not-quite lean against each other is pretty nice. It feels like a long time since they just quietly existed together. In retrospect, Dazai is not sure if they ever really did - though arguably that says more about his definition of "just existing" than anything.]
It's not always a matter of outgrowing things. Sometimes you just want a change.
[Definitely 100% talking about drinks.]
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But they're not in Yokohama right now.]
Suits you better.
[He's said it before. Still means it. It does hurt a bit to say.
Even if it's 100% about drinks.]
Better to figure out a drink you actually enjoy, than to just stick to the same old thing out of habit. Even if your taste is still questionable.
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It wouldn't have made him happy if he'd been able to waltz over Chuuya like he was able to waltz over most everyone else. In retrospect, he can admit that to himself. But what that means is something he doesn't want to spend too much time analyzing, even now. All the thinking and planning in the world won't change the few things in life that may just actually matter. Dazai knows that better than most.
Dazai thought he was being pretty subtle with his drink analogy, but Chuuya being so absolutely obvious about it makes him smile, leaning against Chuuya outright now, because he can, and why wouldn't he?]
It always has been! Why would that change now?
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He returns the smile, and that weight by leaning more against Dazai as well. He decidedly doesn't check if anyone else in the park has noticed. But as much as it hurts to talk about Dazai leaving, knowing he'll always belong somewhere different to Chuuya, the confirmation - or lack of correction - that he's better off... It's reassuring to be reminded that even if he did leave, it wasn't because he wanted to leave Chuuya.]
Guess you could say the same about me.
[No, Chuuya wouldn't have wanted Dazai to stay for him. Whatever they have doesn't belong to the Port Mafia anyway, and especially not to Mori. Which is also why it's causing some problems, but there's no getting around that.]
I already made up my own mind about what drinks I enjoy.
[So subtle.]
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Really, they have no business being so comfortable like this. Maybe it's the lack of sleep leading to some hard-earned semi-relaxation out here in the pleasantly fresh air. Or maybe, God forbid, they could always be like this, if only they let themselves.
... Nah, definitely easier to blame it on the surroundings and be done with it.]
Chuuya is so bad about handling his drinks, though... [Dazai laments loudly, but for once it's not with the aim of mocking Chuuya.] Try not to overdo it too often?
[Clearly it is accurate in the literal sense as well, so any highly subtle references to anything outside of drinks are purely in Chuuya's imagination.
Dazai honestly doesn't think Chuuya should leave the mafia. The mafia needs strong players too, and Chuuya has always seemed pretty happy there, for better or worse. As long as that doesn't change, Chuuya should definitely stay. Buuuuut Dazai knows that Mori may sacrifice anyone if he has a reason to, and that is always a concern. Even if it's unlikely that Mori would discard someone as useful and loyal as Chuuya... a 0.1% chance is still a chance, isn't it?]
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Even though nothing has made a dent in it yet. At least not one that hasn't also healed.]
I can handle more than you give me credit for, you know. Never needed you to finish my drinks, I know my own limits.
[Except he knows Dazai will argue that point, whether they're talking about actually drinking or anything else. But he can just keep talking to cut him off.]
That makes even less sense if you don't even like my drinks.
[And Chuuya does like the mafia. He loves his subordinates. It's just complicated.]
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I like cleaning up your vomit if you overdo it even less.
[Not that Dazai would really do cleaning of any kind, and vomit is hardly the bodily fluid he's talking about, but yanno. This is a conversation they're having, and it's definitely about drinks, so..!]
There's handling and there's handling.
[Just because you can ingest a lot doesn't mean you won't puke. Just because you can survive a lot doesn't mean you won't get hurt.
So no, Chuuya definitely doesn't know his limits. But Dazai is being nice(???) and not saying that in so many words.]
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But maybe not handle it, no.
And it has been better since the Sheep. He has a few people who support him, too, whether or not he wants them to. And Dazai has always been one of them, in his own way, even when things where complicated between them, even when Mori was taking advantage of their rivalry, reminding Chuuya that if he didn't work hard, Dazai would be given the power to destroy those things that mattered most to Chuuya personally.
Dazai never would have destroyed those things, though.]
Fine.
[Dazai's right, again. But maybe that's not a bad thing this time. It feels good to have a partner he can rely on.]
It already involves you anyway.
[Dropping the drinks analogy now.]
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Oh?
[Maybe he's hoping that Chuuya will finally spill some details about the motivation behind this would-be kidnapping. Maybe he's just asking for an explanation for how the fuck Dazai is involved, when Dazai, for all his plotting, is pretty sure he can't be held responsible for this little shindig.]
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Or caught up in it, at least.
[But he can always blame Dazai anyway, even if he's in no way responsible. Shouldn't the default always be to blame Dazai?
And that's all the clarification he gives for a few moments. It's easier when Dazai isn't looking at him, because he knows just how well Dazai can read him, and at least when Dazai's face was turned away Chuuya could pretend he had no way of knowing what expressions are on his face. But the delay is also because he's taking this seriously, which means he can't rush his answers. His first attempt from earlier hadn't made much sense. He takes a few more seconds to decide where to start.]
There was no way to hide how much time I'm spending with a traitor.
[He waves a hand dismissively at the last word, to make it clear Chuuya doesn't think of Dazai as a traitor. But the Port Mafia is a giant organization, and there's enough people who do still consider him that. Who believe he's a dangerous threat.]
But I've decided what I want, and I'm making a point.
[Okay, no, that's really embarrassing to admit. He has to bite back a defensive comment about don't read anything into it bastard, but it's probably too late for that to be convincing. Doesn't mean he can't try if he has to.]
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Honestly, Dazai is a traitor, objectively - and he's incredibly dangerous, so the ones in the mafia who see him in the worst light probably have the right of it. Well, it's not like he had many fans, even when he was still in the organization himself... Being a traitor just gave people an easy excuse to be vocal about hating him. If it wasn't for Mori intervening, Dazai would probably need to bother taking care of people trying to kill him every single day. Not only would it be a full-time occupation (gross!), but innocent people would get caught up in it sooner or later.
Not that he's grateful to Mori, of course. This is the least he owes Dazai - and that is why Dazai is willing to let Mori stay where he is for now.
This is kind of funny, though. It does make Dazai almost-sorta-kinda genuinely happy, but what he can't get over first and foremost (perhaps deliberately, really) is how delightfully silly Chuuya is.]
Why is it that Chuuya always insists on making a point about the worst possible things?
[You really don't want to rub people's noses in it, especially when those people are the mafia. It just creates a whole mess. Not that Dazai thinks it's a bad thing at all. It's just entertaining to see Chuuya find new ways to be silly.
And a little adorable, really. That, too.]
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[A defensive sound, not annoyed. Dazai is teasing him, and Chuuya is definitely embarrassed because of the implication of what he just confessed, but that reaction at least isn't a bad one. Dazai seems almost pleased.]
I'm not gonna make a point about every little thing. Most things don't matter.
[He knows he's implying that this does matter. But Dazai only asks questions like that when he's already sure of the answer anyway. So it's too late. Chuuya's posture turns slightly more hunched next to him, but he doesn't pull away, or try to hide his face. He does look away, though.]
Besides, even if I didn't make a point like this, you're still spending a lof of time in my apartment. It would only be a matter of time. Consider this speeding up the process.
[There are ways to deal with distrust within the ranks, ways Chuuya can earn it back. But there's also Mori to consider. So far he's made the occasional, seemingly innocuous comment, and those never bode well when it comes to his boss. He's probably watching how this develops before deciding what he optimal solution is.]
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Now you're speeding up the process!
[It's been how many years?! Dazai can look at the silliness of it all with amusement due to a touch of disconnection that really shouldn't apply - but at least it's not a bad thing here. He really does think Chuuya is adorable... and, all right, maybe he's a bit pleased for his own benefit as well. It is flattering to get such a chaotic but lively confession, after all... and maybe a bit more than that besides.
Mori is always a threat, but that hasn't changed from before just because Chuuya being sorta-kinda more open about things like this, probably. There is the little matter of this essentially fucking up the tripartite tactic keeping Yokohama safe, but... times have changed, and that particular plan hasn't been as effective lately as it presumably was right after the war. Dazai can think of a few ways to adapt it to the current situation, but he guesses he'll find out which one Mori thinks is best soon enough.
It'd be nice if it didn't include a bullet through his brain. But he's probably safe, he thinks.]
How long before I get a proposal and we move in together? Twenty years?
[Wait - what is that in dog years?
Okay, he's joking, but he's also not being at all malicious about any of this. It's surprisingly comfortable to adapt to their not-actually-new relationship status, and play around with it a little bit.]
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But this really isn't going the way he'd expected. He'd wanted to find a way to avoid making this a confession, but he'd also half-prepared, at the back of his mind, a few ways to reassure Dazai. Chuuya isn't expecting anything more from him, he'd never ask for that, he knows things are complicated, he knows that's not who Dazai is, besides they both have their own lives, and Dazai has to stay loyal to his own people first of all. Chuuya knows how the world works. And Chuuya has chosen this life for himself as well. His point to the Port Mafia is just that he's not giving up on what they've been doing anyway - he's not changing the status quo.
Except that kidnapping Dazai really can't be called anything else than destroying that status quo. But the two of them are good at excuses like that, and pretending it's the truth.
Because wanting something is terrifying.
But Dazai doesn't seem to mind at all. He's encouraging it. They've been getting closer for months now - he knows that, really, he's not stupid (shut up) - but saying it out loud makes it terrifyingly real.
His mouth closes as he turns his face away abruptly. But then, after another second, he does speak.]
Tch. Bastard trying to embarrass me.
[He rubs at the back of his neck. And then glances back at Dazai again. Don't make him want too much.]
You're the one always sneaking off in the middle of the night anyway. I never said you couldn't stay.
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[Just gonna interject with that real quick, because clearly that's a solid line of reasoning right there. If it's also as close to a returned confession as Dazai can easily manage, well, that's obviously just a coincidence.
He does feel a bit called out when Chuuya speaks again, though, and not in a good way.]
... That's true. You didn't.
[Dazai had many excellent practical reasons for "sneaking off" - his personal safety on mafia territory first and foremost; perhaps avoiding Mori's revenge on Chuuya, too - but somehow, he doesn't feel like listing them. They were reasons, yes, and good ones too, but he still could have found a way around all of that, if he'd chosen to.
So should he have chosen to? The question weighs on him oddly heavily for a moment, as if this is really all on him. It's not, and he knows it, but it's not like Chuuya could have single-handedly changed their relationship status without Dazai's cooperation, and so it does feel like it's always been up to Dazai to make that choice. And - from his end, at least - it is.
There's not really any point in dwelling on "wasted time" or any of that nonsense now, though, just like it's a bit useless to bring back Dazai's concerns about never being able to have what he wants when this is something he's had for a while already. At this point, why shouldn't they try it?
Maybe it's just a reverse seven-year itch! That seems legit.]
Clearly Chuuya just needs to make me breakfast every time! Then I might be inclined to stay.
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[Clearly Dazai doesn't need to put in any effort to make him look better. Embarrassment not needed.
Maybe calling Dazai out was a bit unfair, though. But then, Chuuya shouldn't be the only one freaking out at least a little about all this. And even details like that are important, right? Maybe? He really doesn't know the first thing about relationships.]
If you'll eat burnt eggs, sure.
[Dazai rarely eats breakfast, as far as he knows, so he might as well serve burnt eggs. Or he can just fill a cookie jar for Dazai to steal from.
He pauses briefly.]
I know it's complicated.
[For once, that's just a quiet acknowledgment of the truth. Spending the night is complicated, and Dazai just spending time with Chuuya has already made things complicated. Their lives have never fully been their own. There are too many people watching, evaluating the threat of letting them exist, and of letting them exist together.
He also knows that Dazai just needs his own space at times. And that he rarely sleeps more than a couple of hours at a time, so of course he wouldn't stay in bed, but that's not really what they're talking about here. Of course Dazai can leave if he's restless like that.]
But that was always something to figure out together. [Meaning it wasn't on Dazai to make that decision - and they couldn't have done it before this moment, since they had to acknowledge what was going on between them first.] Even if, yeah, I did kinda force the issue today. [Which he almost sounds embarrassed about now.] But whatever, it's not like I haven't been working to mitigate the fallout. [Even if this kidnapping was very spontaneous.] And you have your failsafes. So we can handle it.
[Sure, maybe he's rambling a bit, but shut up.]
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[Not that he's agreeing that Chuuya always looks good, or anything. ... Well, maybe just a little bit. But that's not something worth arguing about, anyway.
Cookies for breakfast is absolutely legit.
But what about donuts?That and some coffee is more than enough for Dazai.]It's not like it's new for Chuuya to force issues all over the place.
[Dazai sighs deeply, but it's not really a negative thing, more of an acceptance of this new status quo - and yes, perhaps he could stand to be more outwardly happy about it, but he's not disregarding the many risks just yet. Besides, he really has no idea how to do this relationship thing, no more than Chuuya does. It makes things oddly awkward, for someone used to knowing basically everything (in his own mind, at least).]
So? What else do you think we need to figure out together?
[That kind of feels like a dirty word here, he can't help it. He's trying to make concessions here, and he is absolutely willing to do so, but that doesn't mean he has to be happy about the idea of doing so!!]
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