indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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[Dazai will pretend to have no intention of moving, but move along with Chuuya's push to such a degree that it almost counts as dodging. Yup... his day sure is going downhill.]

Then you could have stayed away? [Not a question, but practically stated as one - whereas his next sentence is the opposite.] What are you here for.

[He can guess, of course. But that doesn't mean he will.]

[Chuuya turns around and closes the window again. Keeping it open might get rid of some of this smell, but he doesn't really want to be overheard. He's not planning on staying very long at least.]

You know why. You told Ane-san.

[Yes, he's just going to jump straight to it. If he asks if Dazai did it, he'll just deny it, so he's going to trust his hunch and go straight to accusations.]

You don't give ane-san enough credit. Her spy network may just be better than mine.

[It genuinely is better, in many ways: she has the manpower, after all, and when it comes to the dark side of Yokohama, Kouyou knows best. But Dazai's network is quality over quantity, and much more varied.

Dazai doesn't deny being responsible, because he has exactly nothing to gain from that. But neither would it benefit him to admit he was responsible, so he'll just talk around it if he can. The lack of a denial should be obvious enough, anyway - and a sign of respect, in a way... or at least a comparative lack of disrespect. He knows that Chuuya knows. Chibis have weirdly accurate instincts sometimes; Dazai found that out long ago.]

Of course it's better than yours.

[Of course he has to defend ane-san over Dazai. That's not the point here, though. He knows, and Dazai obviously knows that he knows and --

He's going to give himself a headache.]

Why the hell did you tell her?

You really think you could have kept it a secret forever?

[Mori probably knows - or suspects - already, but that isn't something that can be helped. Ironically, it's not even the most important thing, either. What Mori probably doesn't know is just how serious things are. That is not, after all, an area he has a lot of expertise in, and if anything, he probably expects Dazai to do the dirty work of putting a wedge between Fyodor and Chuuya for him.

(Is that really not what's happening, though?)]

Mori-san is going to find out just how close you've been to darling Dos-kun sooner or later. At that point, you'll need all the help you can get.

[And Kouyou will most likely be that help, even if she's giving Chuuya an earful right now.

There's also the fact that Chuuya will need someone to keep an eye on him, on the off chance Fyodor decides to take out Dazai and actually succeeds at it. But that's just how life is: even your plans need plans, and those plans in turn will have plans of their own.]

So what? Telling her was supposed to help me?

[He's not buying it. Even if it is somehow part of the reason - and he doubts it - Dazai always finds a way to be a dick as well. He knew how she'd react, and that Chuuya is going to be spending a lot of time and effort calming her down. But there's rarely any point in calling Dazai out.

He's going to start checking the bottles on the floor to see if any of them still have anything left.]

The boss already knows I'm sleeping with both of you. Not that he's said anything.

[Though if he knew that there are actual feelings involved, he'd definitely do something worse than try to keep Chuuya busy.]

What if ane-san decides she needs to take Fyodor out?

Of course not.

[Not in the way Chuuya is probably thinking, at least. Besides, even if there are practical upsides to Dazai's actions for Chuuya, Dazai isn't claiming to be a good guy here, or that he's doing all of this out of charity.]

Of course he knows...

[That should go without saying, though the fact that Chuuya talks about it so casually bothers Dazai a bit anyway. It doesn't bode well, does it? If Mori makes it so obvious to Chuuya that he knows, even without talking about it as such, it's definitely not a good sign.

But it's also not something he can do much about right now, so.]

I'd like to think she's not that foolish. She knows what she'd be up against.

[She's not that foolish, but Chuuya worries anyway. Ane-san has always been protective - not in the way that Chuuya is, but still violently so, destroying anything she sees as a threat. And the greatest threat, in her opinion, is anything that gives you false hope, relationships that are doomed to end in pain. And that's exactly what this is.

Chuuya tried to convince her that he has no delusions about what this is. It won't last and he knows it, but her argument was that in that case he can just end it now. He's been spending a lot of energy trying to appease Mori, and now he's defending himself from two sides.

He's exhausted.]

I don't know why I talk to you when I should just punch you.

[He doesn't know how to argue with Dazai. Dazai is avoiding giving any real answers, as always, which means that he's definitely hiding something. Chuuya finds a bottle with a tiny bit left in the bottom, so he lifts it up to smell it. It does not smell appealing at all.

He sets it back down.]

I'm gonna beat the crap out of you. When the hell am I supposed to sleep if I'm convincing both of them my only priority is still the organization?

[This conversation is already exhausting. Dealing with the consequences of his actions in general is exhausting, and Dazai would rather just not. Sometimes he really misses the simplicity of killing everyone and saving himself the trouble. (Not that he ever intends to go back to that. But he can still miss those days, from a safe distance!!)

Dazai sighs. Chuuya is being ~~sym~~pathetic enough; Dazai can't stand watching him literally scrounging for liquor. And so he grabs a mostly full bottle and hands it over. (It's fine, he'll steal some back from Chuuya at some point.)]

They know that's your priority. Trying harder to prove it won't make a difference.

[People will see what they want to see, anyway - but, for what it's worth, Dazai really doesn't think Mori or Kouyou would ever doubt Chuuya's loyalty. They may still object if they think he's putting himself at risk, though, since that would be a big loss to the Organization. (And, in Kouyou's case at least, also to her personally.)]

[Chuuya takes the bottle, and then looks at it with even more suspicion than the first one. Dazai giving him anything is always something to be wary of, after all. He opens it, sniffs it, squints at it, shakes it to listen to it, as if any of that would give anything away if it was a trick. Then he shrugs, and drinks straight from the bottle, because he needs it either way.

It's tastes terrible. He wonders if Dazai has made some ice balls from those molds Chuuya got him for his birthday, because this would definitely taste better with some water in it. Drinking whiskey straight is only for people who don't know whiskey.]

Then why can't I --

[He stops himself. That's giving away too much - why can't he have something he wants, one thing he wants outside the mafia, one thing that's making him happy. He can't say that. And he knows the answer anyway. It's still a risk. Putting himself at risk puts the mafia at risk. It's a distraction. He needs to stay focused. It can still look bad, make him look untrustworthy to the people who don't know him as well. He knows all of that and he still hates it.

But having Dazai say that they do know where his priorities lie makes him feel a little bit better.]

It doesn't matter if they're still gonna try to make me end it.

[If Chuuya is going to be so suspicious, Dazai will just (pretend to) try to snatch the bottle back. How dare you question his kindness??? (... Okay, no... Putting it that way: it makes total sense to question him.)

Oh, Chuuya... Always so transparent. Dazai doesn't mind talking about this more, but the problem is that he doesn't think Chuuya will put up with too much talk from him on this topic, no matter how true it is. This is, after all, a main point of contention between them, with Dazai having left the organization. Any message he tries to give Chuuya will be colored by that.

But he can't not talk about it, and Chuuya is drinking anyway. Maybe it won't end too terribly.]

They can only do that if you let them.

[A bit simplified, perhaps, but not untrue.]

Chuuya, no one will ever live up to the Organization's demand for loyalty. They can only die for it.

[Nothing is ever enough - and then you die. That may be good enough for Chuuya, but to willingly stick to such a one-way street when you could have more - not necessarily instead of it, but in addition to it - would be dumb even by Chuuya's standards.]

I'm not asking you to compromise the Organization, and if Fyodor should be any different, you know what to tell him.

You can have a personal life and still be loyal, Chuuya.

[Of course it's a little more complicated, technically, but that doesn't mean it should be. Even Dazai will admit that "more complicated" doesn't always mean "better" or "more correct". Chuuya of all people should get that, surely?]

[Nope, this bottle is his now! Chuuya spins away, drinking more deeply from the bottle once his back is turned. Yes, it's awful, but now it's a matter of not letting Dazai steal from him. Even if it's Dazai's booze he's drinking in the first place.

And it's a good distraction from the topic. Punching Dazai from the start really would have been so much easier.]

I'd never ask that of them. You know I'd die for them first.

[Missing the point? Yes, but it's on purpose. That's not the kind of Organization Chuuya wants for his subordinates, not what he's trying to build for them. It's not what he promised to be Mori's slave for. And he just wants to be petty, piss off Dazai by misunderstanding, and it's an easy way to not actually consider his words.

He'll offer the bottle back now if Dazai actually wants to drink.]

You say that, but you're the one making it harder for me to pull off. And we only have so much time anyway, right?

[Before Fyodor moves forwards with his plans. Before Dazai leaves again. There's a brief period where they get to enjoy it, and he doesn't want to spend that time sleep deprived and useless.]

[Having a drink was never Dazai's point in trying to snatch the bottle back, but now that he's got it, he'll take a drink anyway. What a mess... but then, when is anything involving Chuuya not a mess?]

Everybody only has so much time, Chuuya. [If Chuuya is going to deliberately ignore the point, Dazai can play that game, too, though he likes to think he has more of a point in doing so.] Does that really mean we can't enjoy the time we have?

[Even the suicidal maniac here makes sure to enjoy himself - to some degree - while he's alive. And now you want to complain about life being finite?! Get real, Chuu!!]

[Once Dazai has had that drink, Chuuya will try to snatch it back from him again. He was willing to share a little, but he's the one who needs to drink more.]

That doesn't mean you can ruin things early on a whim.

[But -- Dazai talking about enjoying something while it lasts. That's different. That almost sounds optimistic, in a backwards kind of way, and it's enough to make Chuuya pause.]

Do you really think so?

[Chuuya can have the bottle; the drink doesn't quite satisfy anyway, and Dazai is no mood to physically fight Chuuya at a time when that may become too serious. They have more important things going on, anyway.

Dazai sighs emphatically, because really, now you need him to play optimist? Don't put that kind of burden on him! He can't be bothered to cheer himself up!!]

Even you don't choose to waste the time you have, do you? You make use of it when you have to; you enjoy yourself while you can.

If you have to eat to stay alive anyway, why wouldn't you pick something you enjoy eating, if you have the option?

[Is that a weird analogy? Yes, yes it is. But he can't in good conscience use drinks as an example when Chuuya has poor taste and worse tolerance, so.]

[Chuuya considers Dazai for another few seconds. The alcohol might have hit him too fast, or maybe he's in a thoughtful mood despite the stress.]

That's good.

[Good for Dazai, that is. In the end he does care more about that. He takes the bottle back, looks around the room, and then goes to sit himself down on Dazai's futon before he'll keep drinking.]

You were wrong about me earlier, though. That's kinda satisfying.

[The way he says it, it doesn't sound like he thinks it's satisfying, but then right now nothing would.]

["Good"... What really is "good" in the first place? But that's an especially exhausting topic in an already exhausting conversation, and so Dazai doesn't pursue it.]

I haven't been wrong about you a single time since the moment we met.

[That is definitely not true, but who cares? Dazai will plop down on the futon too - apart from anything else: it's his! - and hold out his hand. Give him the bottle already. Maybe he'll drink from it, maybe he just wants to get it away from Chuuya - probably both - but the point is: he wants it.]

[No, he doesn't feel like giving Dazai that bottle again this soon. He's going to pointedly keep drinking from it instead, even though that alcohol is definitely hitting him too fast now.]

You're wrong all the time.

[That's also not true, but Dazai has definitely been wrong sometimes.]

And you're wrong right now.

[WELL THEN Dazai will just have to give up on that bottle... only to sneakily reach around and extract it from Chuuya's other side at some point. Don't get drunk enough to throw up in here, Chuu, that's gross.]

Am I?

[Wrong right now, that is; he's definitely not wrong all the time, and he can fake otherwise 99% of the time that he is. So nobody gets to call him out then.]

[As if he'd throw up. Probably. Listen, Dazai owes him this booze for being a dick.]

Yeah, but I won't tell you.

[And he's just going to be a dick back. Or maybe he just realized that admitting it would be too revealing, one of those.]

Do you really think you can keep from telling me, at the rate you're drinking?

[Just pointing that out - not out of the goodness of his heart (does he even have any?!), but because if Chuuya keeps drinking at this rate, things are going to get extremely messy... and not in a good way.

Time to intensify his bottle-stealing efforts, regardless. Or maybe he can replace the bottle in Chuuya's hand with an empty one? That could work!]

Shut up. You owe me.

[He does pause drinking though, setting it down on the side opposite from Dazai. Maybe he is drinking too much too fast, because there’s definitely a part of him that wants to admit everything, just to get it out there. ]

You can live with being wrong sometimes.

But I don't want to live in the first place?

[So how can you expect him to live with being wrong on top of everything?!? You're being so weird, Chuu!

Also: that bottle of booze will have magically disappeared by the time you try to find it again, sorry not sorry.]

You know the reason you're not telling me what I'm wrong about is that I could then prove I was right all along.

Too bad.

[You have to live, Dazai. Chuuya says so. Also stealing his bottle is just rude, and he's definitely going to complain about it once he actually realizes. He'll fight you.

But for now he's distracted by that (clearly flawed!) argument.]

You're definitely not right! If you're that confident, shouldn't you be able to guess what I'm talking about?

You want me to guess what I'm wrong about when I'm clearly right about everything?

[You're not making any sense at all!

That, or Dazai just refuses to corner himself when he has nothing to gain and everything to lose by doing so. It could be that.]

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