indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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Had to come, since I know you don't want me here.

[Dazai likes his privacy, having places he can get away, divding his life into separate sections, and Chuuya usually respects that boundary. So coming here, to a place associated with the ADA and not Chuuya, was a way to get a slight revenge. Not that he doesn't know Dazai has a lot of safehouses none of them know about.

And that feels less important now. It's not like he was really that angry. If he was, he wouldn't have bothered with demanding explanations.

No, that had been a damn excuse.

It's really difficult to keep track of the conversation, at this point. He doesn't feel too good, so he lets himself tip forward, pressing his forehead to Dazai's shoulder. How the hell do people ever stand the way gravity feels when it controls your body?]

Had to drink to say it, but I chickened out anyway. [He's the coward in the end. And oh god, really doesn't feel well.] Cause I know you wouldn't forgive me.

[Ah, there we go: the least pleasant part of Chuuya's drinking has begun. (... Actually, the loudness that tends to precede it may be worse.) Accepting his fate (or what passes for it; it's surprisingly easy to go with the flow when Chuuya is out of it and Dazai can drop his A~~-hole~~-game), Dazai puts his hands on Chuuya's upper arms to steady him. (And also to make it harder for him to drink and/or punch Dazai. That too.) It's surprisingly gentle - for however long that will last - because as much as Dazai is a dick, he does sense a certain fragility to the situation. He's not above taking advantage of something like that to kick Chuuya while he's down, but he also doesn't see the point in doing so just for the sake of it. Besides, there's always that delicate balance that they do maintain, the several levels of going too far where they both know exactly what is really too far and what can be stepped on a bit.]

You should be happy about that though?

[Chuuya wouldn't be, of course, but Dazai stands by what he said, regardless of his casual tone: Chuuya should be happy to cut all ties with him, surely? Regardless of any complicated feelings between them, that would only make sense.

So why hasn't he? (Okay, Dazai knows a few of the reasons. But those are all Chuuya's bad habits, and they don't have anything to do with Dazai personally, so clearly they don't count.)]

[The touch is nice. Chuuya has always liked when Dazai touches him, even if this isn't anything more than two hands to keep him steady. It's still... maybe not considerate, exactly, but then Dazai has no reason not to let Chuuya just fall.]

Why?

[That's definitely a strange question to counter that statement with. If he wasn't so drunk, he would have just agreed, or at least just moved on with the conversation. Thrown in another insult, most likely. He squeezes his eyes shut, feeling dizzy and hating it. Why is gravity so... so...

Why does it insist that down has to be down and that Chuuya should go there?]

[Because all good puppies should lie down when they're told, and even the puppy pack leader is not above being challenged, clearly. (Imagine being an ancient god, stuck with a silly chibi who can't remotely hold his alcohol. Suffering!! ~~Dazai can relate.~~)

It is a strange question, and Dazai should probably be a bit more concerned about how to answer it too, but the benefit of Chuuya being drunk is that there's little to be concerned about (apart from his ability, but Dazai has that taken care of). And so Dazai doesn't avoid the topic, keeping the conversation going as if it's perfectly normal.]

Because if I truly wouldn't forgive you, I might disappear from your life.

[He's not saying he would actually be so insulted ever, but.]

[Immediately, he grips Dazai tighter.]

You already left.

[Not really Dazai's point. Even drunk, he knows that. And Dazai is here now, because he didn't leave Chuuya, he left the mafia - he left Mori. But. Still. Chuuya has a point in there somewhere, too.]

You chose someone else. Whatever. [Very much not whatever.] And I don't mean when you left. That wasn't a choice of --

[Wait. What was his point? Nausea is a distracting wave spreading out through his body, and his body stiffens as he fights it down. He lifts his head just a little, still facing down.]

Never wanted to lose you. You always made me wanna be selfish.

[Ah, there we go... Dazai would honestly have preferred to avoid this topic, because who honestly has the energy (let alone the inclination) to deal with awkward feelings? Even if they're only someone else's, if they make him wonder about himself just a little, about how life might have been if only he'd been a normal human being, about how easy it would be to fake being okay with these emotions (except that he'd know he was faking!), can he really be blamed for disliking them?

It's sort of hard to blame that on Chuuya, though. The guy is just so dumb, but it's almost kind of adorable. Besides, if Dazai really had a problem with stupidity, wouldn't he have wiped out the human race long ago?]

And yet you haven't been selfish a day in your life.

[Just saying. Chuuya has many (and Dazai means many) faults, but selfishness isn't one of them. Unless you decide that the decision not to be selfish counts as being extra selfish, but at that point you get a whole long back and forth of selfish-ception, and what good will that do you?]

Clearly I wasn't making you want it hard enough.

[Is that a bad thing or a good thing? He's not sure, but he doesn't care too much.]

I'm being selfish right now.

[He says it in response to both those statements. He thinks he's been pretty selfish throughout his life, anyway, even if this specifically is something that he's always been too much of a coward to touch. It doesn't suit him, after all. He's still not convinced he's not being delusional. If he's human, if he has a soul, then it's mafia black, and he wants it that way.

But there's no turning back. His drunken mind has latched onto a topic and won't let it go, and he was never very good at holding anything in.]

I'm gonna be selfish. Dazai. Always was, asshole, you're just an idiot. [And he's rambling, derailing himself. Letting out low groans from the nausea.] I put you first. If you need me. Doesn't that make me a traitor?

[He lifts his head finally, eyes unfocused as he looks at Dazai, but his tone is serious.]

Whatever love is, it's bulls --

[Nope. Nope. Shouldn't have lifted his head. Should not have lifted his head.

He's --

Getting up. And running for Dazai's bathroom.]

[The number of times Dazai has needed Chuuya is extremely limited, and Dazai likes it that way. Regardless, nobody in their right mind (or even their wrong mind, since Dazai's hardly counts as "right" anyway) would consider Chuuya a traitor. But there's no arguing with a drunk about this kind of thing - there's no arguing with Chuuya about this kind of thing anyway - and so Dazai keeps quiet for now.

And then there's the L-word, suddenly making everything complicated and very uncomfortable. However Dazai would have responded, it likely wouldn't have been good, but thankfully(?) it never has to get to that point. There Chuuya goes... Dazai releases his support with almost comical ease, letting Chuuya make a run for it before following, much more slowly, after him. He lingers in the doorway, leaning against it as he assesses the situation. He'll help Chuuya if Chuuya needs it - hell, he'll probably help Chuuya regardless, in a little bit - but for now, he lets Chuuya empty his stomach and whatever else he wants in peace.

... Mostly Dazai's peace, let's face it.]

No... [He replies very belatedly and softly, not particularly interested in being heard, but not caring if he is, either.] You're only a traitor to yourself.

[Does that go for himself as well? He's really not sure. But it's exactly because he isn't sure that he shouldn't lead Chuuya on, surely?]

[No, they don't need each other that often. They can both handle themselves fine, and even as partners they often worked separately - handled different parts of the mission. But it's not the frequency that matters. It's not about whether or not Dazai would ever call it in. It's the fact that he has that power, and there's nothing Chuuya can do about it.

And Dazai wouldn't need to ask, anyway. It's not Dazai's choice, either.

But awful as he feels, throwing up is a relief compared to trying to deal with those thoughts. If he could rip out whatever part of him made him feel things so strongly, he would. Maybe that's what's spilling into the toilet bowl. He coughs, almost painfully, as another wave of nausea brings up more liquor (no food at all). The splashing noises are disgusting.]

What?

[He heard it. Or at least he heard Dazai say something, and whenever Dazai says something softly, it's definitely worth listening to. But he's going to need a few seconds to process.

And, once he does:]

What?

[Staring into the toilet bowl. He'll stay like that even as he reaches up to flush, because he's not sure there's not more coming.]

There's no option that doesn't.

Is there a better way to describe you always putting others before yourself?

[Definitely a traitor to himself. When it's done without a second thought, can it really be called anything else? In a way, such an absolute lack of discrimination makes the would-be loyalty lose anything and everything commendable about it, too - but that particular philosophical discussion can be saved for another, soberer time (or, ideally, never).

Sauntering over, Dazai stays behind Chuuya, since he's not looking to get a vomit shower just now, and pats him gently on the head. It's at least as much of a test of stomach control as it is a kind(ish) gesture.]

Are you finished?

You don't get it. I want --

[Or maybe he does. Maybe that's why. They've always wanted similar things, and it's always been out of reach for both of them, Chuuya just refuses to give up. But then, he does want something more, too.

He spits into the bowl, grabs some toilet paper, wipes his face, wipes the edge of the seat, flushes again. He can't stand up, he thinks, not with Dazai touching him, and he doesn't want Dazai to stop touching him, especially not like that. But he really wants to rinse his mouth out, at least, because this tastes disgusting. He holds out a hand, to see if Dazai will help him up.]

Do you want me to put myself before you?

[His tone says he seriously doubts that.]

Of course not!

[Dazai offers an easy smile, far too bright for the circumstances - and then he does extend a hand for Chuuya to grab, though he'll leave the heavy lifting to Chuuya himself as much as possible. Dazai isn't sure yet whether this spectacle was worth the mess, but so far, he's not unsatisfied.]

I just want you to put yourself before everyone other than me.

[He beams, because he is, in fact, shameless enough to say this and mean it.]

[Chuuya tries to use that hand to pull himself up. He even tries his best to do the heavy lifting. And then he stumbles, unbalanced and dizzy, nearly falls over again, and nearly pulls Dazai with him, too. But, with his other hand against the wall, he manages on his second try. Mostly. He falls into Dazai's chest, all his weight against him, and then decides to just stay there, face pressed against his shirt.]

If you're around.

[Then he'll consider doing what Dazai wants. But he says it a bit too much like a promise. If the terms are vague, then it doesn't matter, and Chuuya won't remember in the morning.]

You better have mouthwash.

[Augh, you're making him break a sweat, how dare you... With Chuuya more or less vertical again (or as vertical as he ever was), Dazai puts some limited effort into steadying him, though he does make a bit of a face in silent complaint. Honestly, the trouble of wrangling a Chuu is barely worth the gains!
... Well, maybe it's not that bad. But, you know, complaining is a healthy way to vent your lack-of-emotions, clearly.

Oh... That was easier agreement than he was expecting, actually.]

You've promised, now. I'll keep you to it.

[Maybe. Maybe not, actually, but regardless, it's a surprisingly warm and fuzzy feeling that he could if he wanted to. Not that he thinks Chuuya will remember in the morning, but that doesn't matter, since Dazai knows. And, hell, it's Dazai: he may be recording this somehow. (Maybe he'll make it his next ringtone!)]

... I have booze?

[Up to 45% alcohol! It totally counts.

No, he doesn't expect Chuuya to want more where that came from, but he genuinely doesn't have mouth wash, because why would he? (He'd just make experimental cocktails with it, probably - and he's kind of over that phase.) He does have a tooth brush though. And tooth paste! Fancy!]

[The irony of being steadied by Dazai, the source of the problem, when Chuuya wouldn't have any issue with his balance if they weren't touching. But he's not thinking about that right now, he's just leaning into him, because being close like this at least helps him feel a little better. Though not because it feels comforting, of course.]

Yeah, cause you're a dick.

[But it's not a complaint, and the way he says it makes that obvious. Chuuya keeps his promises, after all. Except that there really is no way he'll remember unless he's reminded.]

Would you even give me more booze?

[He doubts it. He'll rinse his mouth out with water, at least. And if he's offered a toothbrush, he'll use it, because he really needs this taste out of his mouth. Why did he drink so much again?]

Would you swallow if I did?

[He doesn't even mean that in a sexy way. You can rinse with booze, but would your stomach really be able to handle another swallow of the stuff, or would it violently reject it even before arrival? All evidence suggests the latter, but if you want to experiment, that's fine too. (Just don't expect Dazai to help you up again.)

But, sure, he'll offer Chuuya a toothbrush and toothpaste, because even Dazai is not enough of a dick to let a dumdum like Chuuya suffer for his own weakness. (Maybe. Past performance is no guarantee of future results, etc.)]

Why do you even drink so much when you clearly can't handle it? [For once, it's not intended to be mocking, though perhaps it's more of a rhetorical question than a serious one.] ... Actually: I suppose the better question is why your liver still hasn't gotten used to it after all this time.

It's cheap crap, it's fine to waste it.

[So he might spit. He might also forget he was supposed to spit, and swallow instead out of habit... So yeah, the toothbrush is a better option. He'll lean one hand against the sink to keep himself upright, and brush until the taste starts to fade from his mouth.

It's still in the back of his throat, though.]

How the fuck should I know why it's not used to it?

[He's ignoring the first question. It's habit, it's the only way to deal with some situations, he's a coward. It's not important why. He started drinking too young, with the Sheep, and when you're drunk it's a lot easier to fit in, to get caught up in the emotions of the group, when everyone forgets their boundaries and reservations. He's always held on to those moments.]

Hey. Dazai. If I pass out here, will you leave?

[Will Dazai leave because Chuuya's passed out here, he means. It's not like he'd force Dazai to stay, he just doesn't want to be the reason.]

This is my apartment? [That's not an actual answer to the question, of course, and Dazai knows it too. Hell, even Chuuya, drunk as he is, could probably manage to call him out on that. And so Dazai preempts that.]

Maybe. [Not without reason, really. But sometimes his random moods count as a reason, too! Still, he doesn't plan to ditch Chuuya here, for what it's worth. (If he really wanted to get rid of Chuuya, he could just have him dumped outside somewhere once he passes out. But that's not currently Dazai's plan either.)

More importantly... Dazai smiles, because while he probably can't be bothered to make such a mess, it is always nice to imagine Chuuya suffering.] Would you be angry with me if I did?

[Of course Dazai doesn't actually answer. And it's a lot harder than usual to keep up when he's this drunk, and it's taking all his energy to keep track of the conversation. He's also feeling too much, still. He's definitely feeling too vulnerable.

He doesn't call Dazai out, for once, just sets the toothbrush back in its cup.]

No. [He glances at him, briefly.] I'm not chasing you out of your own apartment.

[Dazai needs his space. His privacy. It's why Chuuya usually finds him in bars instead of in this apartment - that, and the fact that he doesn't want the other members of the ADA seeing him here.]

I'll leave.

Chuuya...

[Seriously... As much of a dick as Dazai is, he's not about to let Chuuya run off in this state. Apart from anything: the entire city might end up as a crater! That's a perfectly legitimate excuse. Feelings clearly don't factor into it at all.]

At least sleep it off a bit first.

[He frowns, because he wasn't expecting the objection, and in his current state it's difficult to come up with a counter argument.]

Been a long time since I passed out in your apartment.

[They've always used Chuuya's apartment more, even when they were partners. Either that, or safe houses. But he gave Dazai the option of kicking him out, and if he's not taking it, then he'll stay.]

Don't draw on my face.

[Dazai offers an angelic smile, because of course he does.]

I wouldn't dream of it.

[He'll just draw on Chuuya's ass instead. And maybe on his dick. Maybe everywhere but his face! It's fine, Chuuya clearly just allowed it.]

Lie down before you fall down, okay?

[His bed's not too far. After all, unlike Chuuya's, his apartment is not obscenely huge!]

You're a dick.

[He doesn't trust that smile in the slightest. But he's still going to lie down, because sometimes you just have to accept your fate, or your doom. Or maybe because for some reason, he still prefers life with Dazai in it to life without him, even if sometimes that bastard sure likes to test it.

He's going to try to drag Dazai down with him onto the futon, though.]

I don't fall.

[Didn't he fall earlier? Listen, that was forever ago and no longer counts.]

That's what Icarus said.

[He sighs. Being dragged down was not the plan, but no matter how drunk Chuuya is, Dazai can't physically make him let go if Chuuya is determined to hold on. It will be easier to wait until Chuuya sleeps before slipping out of his grip.]

Well, you fly better than that guy, I suppose...

[Chuuya doesn't even hesitate to curl his body against Dazai's, one arm wrapped around him to hold on before managing somehow to get the blanket up to cover them both. Not that he really needs a blanket when Dazai is a really good source of warmth.]

Who?

[It sounds familiar. He'll probably remember in the morning, or he can look it up then. If he remembers.]

I'm not that guy. What he said doesn't matter.

[It won't be the sun burning Chuuya up.]

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