indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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[Well, that certainly is satisfying. If only life were filled with endless Chuuya-booping, maybe it would be worth living.

But probably not. Also: that is kind of gross to think, and so the satisfaction quickly dissipates in favor of something far more neutral.]

It's not like I hate you any less, you know.

Besides, when you initiate an attack, you can't expect me to sit still and take it?

I can expect what I want.

[But no, he wasn't expecting that, he's just whining. He kicks out towards Dazai again, but since he's still on his back, it barely even counts as an attempted attack.]

Obviously you hate me less. You're the one who's the worst.

[Since it's not a serious attempt at an attack anymore, if it ever was, Dazai just settles on the floor again. If Chuuya insists on kicking, Dazai is just going to barnacle on his legs to limit the impact. But he's no more serious about stopping Chuuya than Chuuya is at succeeding.]

Am I?

[... Yeah, no, he totally is. He's not especially tempted to try proving otherwise, either. Even though somehow it bothers him a bit to be called out on his general terrible-ness under these circumstances. He's not sure why.

Where is that booze again? He's going to have another drink.]

Doesn't that mean I have more reason to hate indiscriminately, then? Or even discriminately.

[Well, if Dazai is keeping his legs trapped, then he can't leave after all. Not that he couldn't break free if he wanted, but he doesn't really feel like fighting him. Maybe he's too drunk.]

Hatred takes too much effort. You're too lazy, usually.

[But there's definitely exceptions. And anyone who's gone far enough to earn Dazai's hatred is going to end up miserable for sure.

But even drunk as he is, he can tell when something is off with Dazai. The mood since Chuuya showed up has been weird, which is just more proof that he shouldn't be here, and Dazai should have let him leave. But if Chuuya said the wrong thing now, he can at least take it back, or --]

Pass me that bottle before I say something stupid.

The effort depends entirely on what you plan to do with said hatred.

[Nah, it's true, really. But it's not like Dazai is going to admit to not hating Chuuya at this point. He should hate Chuuya, if only as a power move of sorts, and he has enough reason to as well - like how Chuuya doesn't just lie down and let Dazai defeat him. (That is definitely not the main reason.) But Dazai isn't in the mood to argue about being lazy.]

You only ever say stupid things, Chuuya. Is this really the time to start worrying about it?

[There's no real venom in the words, though, and - surprisingly or otherwise - Dazai does hand over the bottle.]

Like planning ways to make me suffer every day?

[Not that he really thinks Dazai hates him. It's a lot more complicated than that. And maybe it's easier not to hate each other now that they're enemies, instead of partners, since no one is trying to force a dynamic on them. Maybe it's easier now beause Dazai already chose other people, which means they can just let it go.

Not that Chuuya has ever known how to let anything go.

He takes the bottle - it's a little surprising - and drinks in the desperate hope that his brain will shut down completely for the night. Passing out wouldn't be so bad, even if Dazai would definitely draw on his face.]

Stupider than usual. [No, wait --] I don't usually say stupid things, asshole!

[See if he passes the bottle back now. Actually, he's gonna pass it back.]

[Dazai can't help a little laugh at that. Really, Chuuya is too easy even when sober, nevermind when he's been drinking... but that's not without benefits.]

You're rather cute when you're stupider than usual, you know.

[Hard to tell how serious he is about that, but he's definitely feeling something or other about Chuuya, and if he can phrase it in a way that's likely to offend Chuuya, doesn't that make everyone a winner? And by "everyone" clearly we mean "Dazai".

Time for a drink. Getting drunk may be more difficult for Dazai than it is for Chuuya, but it probably beats the alternative.]

[He's too drunk, he's going to need a moment to process that one. He's not cute - wait, was that a compliment? - but no, cute isn't a compliment and he's not stupid.]

Shut up. You know what, I take it back!

[Take what back? He hasn't even said it yet. But that actually saves him time, so he's not going to correct himself. He'll just sit up so he can steal that bottle back once Dazai had his drink. He's definitely ungraceful now, bumping into Dazai in the attempt, before managing to straighten himself. Dazai needs to stop touching Chuuya when he's drunk because he really needs gravity to behave.]

Take back what?

[Just gonna ask the obvious, and it's not even to be a dick. Chuuya has said many things (he usually does), and what matters enough to take back is a point of interest, more or less.

Dazai dangles the bottle up high for a moment, just because he can, but he surrenders it to Chuuya soon enough, because he's had his fun, and he doesn't honestly care enough to keep Chuuya away from the booze. He really should, though. A good person definitely would, at this point.]

You're going to regret drinking this much.

I don't care if I'll regret it.

[But maybe he'll slow down, just a little. Before he ends up blacking out completely. It's not even really doing what he needs it to, which is turn off these feelings and shut off all those thoughts, so he can stop worrying about it, stop feeling like it's going to explode out of him.

Of course Dazai has to ask. That asshole always has to know everything.]

I take back... [The pause, the way he frowns as he thinks, definitely gives away that it's not what he meant.] I take back hating you.

[Wait.]

[This is shaping up to be a much more interesting meeting that it started out as, but at the same time... while it's fun to see Chuuya suffer - and no doubt Chuuya will only suffer more from here on out - it's also at least 99% likely to lead to terrible things of some sort, whether it's because Dazai will have to call in the mafia babysitters or for some other reason. So Dazai is apprehensive... but not enough to get rid of Chuuya before things do inevitably hit the fan. Apart from anything else, that would come with risks, too.

He's still not expecting a statement like that, though, and it shows, his eyes widening.]

That's quite a lot to take back.

[Since you hate him so much and all.]

[Catching Dazai by surprise like that is always satisfying. For a moment Chuuya looks incredibly smug, and he almost wishes he could take a picture, just to save the moment, just to prove it in the future. He prods Dazai in the center of the chest.]

Too late. It's gone.

[Wait. Wait. Is that something to be smug about, though? Isn't that hatred what makes any of this work? At the very least it's safer.]

Shit. This is why I tried to leave.

[What little sense might have been made has already evaporated, it seems, and Dazai hates himself a little for having ever thought he might get something Actually Nice out of Chuuya. (It's fine, he still hates Chuuya more.)]

More to the point: this is why you shouldn't have come in the first place.

[That's what you get for interfering with Dazai's actions! (He can only do that the other way around, clearly!!) But, for what it's worth, Dazai isn't seriously chastising Chuuya so much as he is stating a dry fact. They're both in this dumb situation now, to his everlasting regret.]

Or at least you shouldn't have started drinking.

Had to come, since I know you don't want me here.

[Dazai likes his privacy, having places he can get away, divding his life into separate sections, and Chuuya usually respects that boundary. So coming here, to a place associated with the ADA and not Chuuya, was a way to get a slight revenge. Not that he doesn't know Dazai has a lot of safehouses none of them know about.

And that feels less important now. It's not like he was really that angry. If he was, he wouldn't have bothered with demanding explanations.

No, that had been a damn excuse.

It's really difficult to keep track of the conversation, at this point. He doesn't feel too good, so he lets himself tip forward, pressing his forehead to Dazai's shoulder. How the hell do people ever stand the way gravity feels when it controls your body?]

Had to drink to say it, but I chickened out anyway. [He's the coward in the end. And oh god, really doesn't feel well.] Cause I know you wouldn't forgive me.

[Ah, there we go: the least pleasant part of Chuuya's drinking has begun. (... Actually, the loudness that tends to precede it may be worse.) Accepting his fate (or what passes for it; it's surprisingly easy to go with the flow when Chuuya is out of it and Dazai can drop his A~~-hole~~-game), Dazai puts his hands on Chuuya's upper arms to steady him. (And also to make it harder for him to drink and/or punch Dazai. That too.) It's surprisingly gentle - for however long that will last - because as much as Dazai is a dick, he does sense a certain fragility to the situation. He's not above taking advantage of something like that to kick Chuuya while he's down, but he also doesn't see the point in doing so just for the sake of it. Besides, there's always that delicate balance that they do maintain, the several levels of going too far where they both know exactly what is really too far and what can be stepped on a bit.]

You should be happy about that though?

[Chuuya wouldn't be, of course, but Dazai stands by what he said, regardless of his casual tone: Chuuya should be happy to cut all ties with him, surely? Regardless of any complicated feelings between them, that would only make sense.

So why hasn't he? (Okay, Dazai knows a few of the reasons. But those are all Chuuya's bad habits, and they don't have anything to do with Dazai personally, so clearly they don't count.)]

[The touch is nice. Chuuya has always liked when Dazai touches him, even if this isn't anything more than two hands to keep him steady. It's still... maybe not considerate, exactly, but then Dazai has no reason not to let Chuuya just fall.]

Why?

[That's definitely a strange question to counter that statement with. If he wasn't so drunk, he would have just agreed, or at least just moved on with the conversation. Thrown in another insult, most likely. He squeezes his eyes shut, feeling dizzy and hating it. Why is gravity so... so...

Why does it insist that down has to be down and that Chuuya should go there?]

[Because all good puppies should lie down when they're told, and even the puppy pack leader is not above being challenged, clearly. (Imagine being an ancient god, stuck with a silly chibi who can't remotely hold his alcohol. Suffering!! ~~Dazai can relate.~~)

It is a strange question, and Dazai should probably be a bit more concerned about how to answer it too, but the benefit of Chuuya being drunk is that there's little to be concerned about (apart from his ability, but Dazai has that taken care of). And so Dazai doesn't avoid the topic, keeping the conversation going as if it's perfectly normal.]

Because if I truly wouldn't forgive you, I might disappear from your life.

[He's not saying he would actually be so insulted ever, but.]

[Immediately, he grips Dazai tighter.]

You already left.

[Not really Dazai's point. Even drunk, he knows that. And Dazai is here now, because he didn't leave Chuuya, he left the mafia - he left Mori. But. Still. Chuuya has a point in there somewhere, too.]

You chose someone else. Whatever. [Very much not whatever.] And I don't mean when you left. That wasn't a choice of --

[Wait. What was his point? Nausea is a distracting wave spreading out through his body, and his body stiffens as he fights it down. He lifts his head just a little, still facing down.]

Never wanted to lose you. You always made me wanna be selfish.

[Ah, there we go... Dazai would honestly have preferred to avoid this topic, because who honestly has the energy (let alone the inclination) to deal with awkward feelings? Even if they're only someone else's, if they make him wonder about himself just a little, about how life might have been if only he'd been a normal human being, about how easy it would be to fake being okay with these emotions (except that he'd know he was faking!), can he really be blamed for disliking them?

It's sort of hard to blame that on Chuuya, though. The guy is just so dumb, but it's almost kind of adorable. Besides, if Dazai really had a problem with stupidity, wouldn't he have wiped out the human race long ago?]

And yet you haven't been selfish a day in your life.

[Just saying. Chuuya has many (and Dazai means many) faults, but selfishness isn't one of them. Unless you decide that the decision not to be selfish counts as being extra selfish, but at that point you get a whole long back and forth of selfish-ception, and what good will that do you?]

Clearly I wasn't making you want it hard enough.

[Is that a bad thing or a good thing? He's not sure, but he doesn't care too much.]

I'm being selfish right now.

[He says it in response to both those statements. He thinks he's been pretty selfish throughout his life, anyway, even if this specifically is something that he's always been too much of a coward to touch. It doesn't suit him, after all. He's still not convinced he's not being delusional. If he's human, if he has a soul, then it's mafia black, and he wants it that way.

But there's no turning back. His drunken mind has latched onto a topic and won't let it go, and he was never very good at holding anything in.]

I'm gonna be selfish. Dazai. Always was, asshole, you're just an idiot. [And he's rambling, derailing himself. Letting out low groans from the nausea.] I put you first. If you need me. Doesn't that make me a traitor?

[He lifts his head finally, eyes unfocused as he looks at Dazai, but his tone is serious.]

Whatever love is, it's bulls --

[Nope. Nope. Shouldn't have lifted his head. Should not have lifted his head.

He's --

Getting up. And running for Dazai's bathroom.]

[The number of times Dazai has needed Chuuya is extremely limited, and Dazai likes it that way. Regardless, nobody in their right mind (or even their wrong mind, since Dazai's hardly counts as "right" anyway) would consider Chuuya a traitor. But there's no arguing with a drunk about this kind of thing - there's no arguing with Chuuya about this kind of thing anyway - and so Dazai keeps quiet for now.

And then there's the L-word, suddenly making everything complicated and very uncomfortable. However Dazai would have responded, it likely wouldn't have been good, but thankfully(?) it never has to get to that point. There Chuuya goes... Dazai releases his support with almost comical ease, letting Chuuya make a run for it before following, much more slowly, after him. He lingers in the doorway, leaning against it as he assesses the situation. He'll help Chuuya if Chuuya needs it - hell, he'll probably help Chuuya regardless, in a little bit - but for now, he lets Chuuya empty his stomach and whatever else he wants in peace.

... Mostly Dazai's peace, let's face it.]

No... [He replies very belatedly and softly, not particularly interested in being heard, but not caring if he is, either.] You're only a traitor to yourself.

[Does that go for himself as well? He's really not sure. But it's exactly because he isn't sure that he shouldn't lead Chuuya on, surely?]

[No, they don't need each other that often. They can both handle themselves fine, and even as partners they often worked separately - handled different parts of the mission. But it's not the frequency that matters. It's not about whether or not Dazai would ever call it in. It's the fact that he has that power, and there's nothing Chuuya can do about it.

And Dazai wouldn't need to ask, anyway. It's not Dazai's choice, either.

But awful as he feels, throwing up is a relief compared to trying to deal with those thoughts. If he could rip out whatever part of him made him feel things so strongly, he would. Maybe that's what's spilling into the toilet bowl. He coughs, almost painfully, as another wave of nausea brings up more liquor (no food at all). The splashing noises are disgusting.]

What?

[He heard it. Or at least he heard Dazai say something, and whenever Dazai says something softly, it's definitely worth listening to. But he's going to need a few seconds to process.

And, once he does:]

What?

[Staring into the toilet bowl. He'll stay like that even as he reaches up to flush, because he's not sure there's not more coming.]

There's no option that doesn't.

Is there a better way to describe you always putting others before yourself?

[Definitely a traitor to himself. When it's done without a second thought, can it really be called anything else? In a way, such an absolute lack of discrimination makes the would-be loyalty lose anything and everything commendable about it, too - but that particular philosophical discussion can be saved for another, soberer time (or, ideally, never).

Sauntering over, Dazai stays behind Chuuya, since he's not looking to get a vomit shower just now, and pats him gently on the head. It's at least as much of a test of stomach control as it is a kind(ish) gesture.]

Are you finished?

You don't get it. I want --

[Or maybe he does. Maybe that's why. They've always wanted similar things, and it's always been out of reach for both of them, Chuuya just refuses to give up. But then, he does want something more, too.

He spits into the bowl, grabs some toilet paper, wipes his face, wipes the edge of the seat, flushes again. He can't stand up, he thinks, not with Dazai touching him, and he doesn't want Dazai to stop touching him, especially not like that. But he really wants to rinse his mouth out, at least, because this tastes disgusting. He holds out a hand, to see if Dazai will help him up.]

Do you want me to put myself before you?

[His tone says he seriously doubts that.]

Of course not!

[Dazai offers an easy smile, far too bright for the circumstances - and then he does extend a hand for Chuuya to grab, though he'll leave the heavy lifting to Chuuya himself as much as possible. Dazai isn't sure yet whether this spectacle was worth the mess, but so far, he's not unsatisfied.]

I just want you to put yourself before everyone other than me.

[He beams, because he is, in fact, shameless enough to say this and mean it.]

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