indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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[Mori probably was just testing him, but it was a risky bet - or so Dazai convinces himself - and that only makes Dazai angrier. It's a good thing for Mori that the mafia needs him, and Dazai himself can't be bothered to do that Boss job (even disregarding his promise to Odasaku), or he would have cut Mori open and strangled him with his own intestines.

And then share the pics online, really, because everyone deserves to see such a "freak accident" happen to a man highly deserving of it.

But instead, here Dazai is. He should really eat something after all, and so he has a bite, semi-reluctantly. Maybe he doesn't absolutely hate Chuuya right now - or, at least: he hates Mori a hell of a lot more. It's enough to try dealing with the current situation semi-gracefully. (Well... By comparison, anyway.)]

He deliberately put you into that situation, perfectly aware of everything. You don't need to tell him anything.

[That is the logical answer. Sadly Chuuya's loyalty may render logic null and void, but for that, Dazai has a small but significant counter, too:]

You haven't told him yet, so you're already guilty in that regard.

[No point in walking into Mori's office, practically asking for punishment, when he already knows you're guilty anyway. You never know when the guy actually goes through with punishments.

But, most importantly: Dazai would like it if Chuuya had enough self-awareness to say fuck the Boss for putting him into that situation, and some silence is honestly better than Mori deserves.]

[Chuuya hasn't been eating either, even though he's the one who bought all the food. But this conversation is definitely making him uncomfortable, so he's going to drink whiskey instead, buying himself some time before he has to react to all of that.

Of course Mori put him at risk. But being a member of the Port Mafia means you have to be willing to risk yourself for the Organization, and being an executive doesn't change that. He's always been ready to die if necessary. Dazai knows that. Dazai has come up with more than enough plans which require Chuuya risking his life, usually by using Corruption, so he can't really talk here at all.

Except, of course, that Dazai has always been willing to come up with alternative plans if Chuuya says no.

Which is also why Chuuya won't accuse him of trying to trick Chuuya into betraying Mori. He trusts him. But keeping secrets from his boss? Continuing to hide something from him? Chuuya's loyalty is too strong, and the thought of losing his place in the mafia too painful.]

What good would hiding it from him do?

[This other group needs to be dealt with, one way or another. Chuuya wanted to kill them from the start. Is Dazai saying he should just go ahead and do that? Potentially ruin Mori's plans?]

I know I'm guilty. But the longer I wait, the worse it looks.

Guilty isn't something you can do halfway. You either are or you aren't, and you already are.

[So even in that regard, it's pointless to come clean. Not that Dazai really expects Chuuya to keep any notable secrets from Mori, including this one, but Dazai will say what he thinks anyway. It's not his fault if Chuuya is stupid and doesn't listen to him. It's definitely not his fault if something like this happens again and Chuuya does get seriously hurt, because Dazai has already said he won't do another rescue like this now, and of course he will stick to that.

And when he does, nothing will be Dazai's fault, and Chuuya will only have himself to blame for dying miserably. So clearly Dazai won't have to think anything of it, let alone feel anything.]

Hiding it from him will send a message that he can't consider you disposable like that. It will tell him not to take you for granted.

[In other words: a lie. But an important one, and a convenient one for Dazai.

Well, he's still not really expecting Chuuya to listen. The guy hasn't listened to reason a single day in his existence, and Dazai doesn't expect that to change. And, speaking of things that don't change: whisky, really?!]

... At least eat first. If you're throwing up later, I'm not holding your hair.

[Chuuya sends Dazai an annoyed look at that last comment, but he does put his glass down and reach for his chopsticks. He's only drinking whiskey because it's what he got for Dazai, though he knows he should be drinking something like wine instead. Still, he hates this conversation right now. But he'll eat at least a little.]

And the next time I have to risk the lives of my subordinates?

[Because Chuuya makes that call when he has to. He's made decisions that led to his subordinates dying. He tries to avoid it, but that's not always possible, and he hates it just as much every single time, especially because he's strong enough to handle those fights by himself. The least he can do is be willing to risk himself, too, when it's necessary.

And if Mori made that call, he has to trust that it was necessary, just like his subordinates trust Chuuya.]

You think he should have chosen a different strategy?

[You know what, if Dazai is making him eat, Chuuya is going to steal some food out of Dazai's takeaway box, too.]

[Eating a little is fine; a little is about as much as Dazai has a mood for, too. It's a start, at least, and it will hopefully prevent the aforementioned Chuuya chew-fountain, which Dazai may have only said to be a dick, but it's a legitimate expected outcome all the same.]

What do your subordinates have to do with anything?!

[No, Dazai can just about guess what that is about - but it annoys him all the same, because it's not the same thing. Mori and Chuuya are not the same type of person; Dazai is the same kind of non-person as Mori, so he knows.]

Let me ask you something, Chuuya: would you have put any of your subordinates through such a kidnapping without warning them what they were getting into first?

[Of course Mori had his reasons; Dazai can't even say for sure that Mori's strategy was wrong, which is why he will casually ignore that question. But Mori and Chuuya are not the same; their working relationships with their respective subordinates are not the same; the respect that Chuuya has for other mafiosos is not shared by Mori, beyond when it's practical. Dazai wishes he could get that through Chuuya's thick and empty skull already, because nobody sane would hold on to his loyalty quite so tightly under those conditions, and even Chuuya is (probably) not immortal.

Hey - how dare Chuuya try to eat the food that he bought, himself!? It's rude! Dazai's chopsticks block Chuuya's, then reposition to block again. Is this going to turn into a full-on chopstick battle? MAYBE! And welcome it would be, too, because who wants a serious conversation, anyway?!

Even if they probably should have one. But they can at least have an intermission like this, dammit!!]

[Of course Chuuya would have warned his subordinates. But he also wouldn't have chosen that strategy at all, because his plans are never going to look like Mori's. He doesn't have that same kind of mind - or that same kind of genius - but that's just another reason why Chuuya should trust his plans.]

He knows I would have agreed.

[Which means there wasn't any point in keeping it from him. But it might also why Mori decided it wasn't important to tell him. Or he had a different reason, one that Chuuya isn't able to guess.

But he'll happily drop that topic for now and focus on this chopstick battle. All he wants is a bit of Dazai's beef, even though there is, in fact, a second container with exactly the same thing in it. He tries to dodge Dazai's chopsticks as he goes in for a second strike, and when that fails, decides to change up his strategy a little.

He slides off his chair and bumps into Dazai's side to unbalance him, and then tries to make a grab for his food.]

You should learn how to share, asshole.

[Keeping Chuuya in the dark could have had many reasons, really, so Dazai can't disagree with Mori on it. Maybe it was a matter of keeping Chuuya's reactions as natural as possible; maybe it was an attempt to see if Chuuya might turn into a liability if kidnapped and drugged; maybe it was simply a way to keep all options open, no matter what the outcome of the kidnapping might have been.

Maybe - most likely - Mori just didn't have a reason to tell Chuuya, and so he didn't. It makes sense, but that doesn't mean that Dazai has to like it.

Chuuya succeeds at stealing some beef, finally, because Dazai is indeed unbalanced by the bump (curse Chuuya and his simple but effective methods!), and he halfway expects Chuuya to go for the real prize here: Dazai's booze. Nevermind that Chuuya bought that, too. Nevermind that there is more of that, too! Clearly it's the principle of the thing!!

And clearly Dazai is still expecting too much of Chuuya's plotting, which annoys him. Since Chuuya has "stolen" a piece of Dazai's beef, Dazai will reach over and empty Chuuya's glass of whisky. Because he's an adult, and he can.]

[Chuuya is going to enjoy that victory, chewing with satisfaction as he slides back into his seat, ready to protect his own food. But he's protecting his wrong thing - he should have known Dazai would go for his whiskey instead - and in the end he's too slow to stop him, grabbing at air while Dazai downs the whole thing.]

Hey! You have your own whiskey!

[Yes, there's an entire bottle on the table still. Yes, Chuuya has more bottles than just that one, too, not to mention other types of alcohol, but that's not the point. The point is that Dazai stole something he shouldn't. and Chuuya can't let him win.

Chuuya reaches over to snatch the rest of Dazai's food as well, hopefully pulling the box into his lap so he can eat freely.]

You're the worst guest.

[The point is that there is no point. That is the only point.]

On the contrary, it's you who is the worst host, Chuuya! What host steals his guest's food?!

[Nevermind that Chuuya was the one who provided the food in the first place. That is clearly irrelevant.

Dazai makes a grab for the food, but it's a half-hearted attempt at best. His main goal is subtly attempting to stab the box from below with his chopsticks, to hopefully maybe let the contents leak on Chuuya's clothing and/or hand.

After this distraction, he'll just grab another food box and resume eating like nothing has happened. Which, as far as he is concerned, it indeed hasn't.]

[Chuuya successfully manages to protect his stolen food from further theft. He doesn't notice the hole in the bottom, or the sauce that's slowly starting to leak out, too busy eating a few victory bites.]

I'm a better host than you deserve.

[Which is probably true, but also irrelevant, because Chuuya doesn't actually care. The only point is the argument, which, at the very least, did release some of that annoying tension from earlier. But Chuuya is still going to top up his glass with whiskey, and then move his glass further away from Dazai so he can't steal it again.

He sets the bottle on the table between them, though, so Dazai can have as much as he wants. It's rarely worth the risk to deny him alcohol.]

Next time I'll only buy food you don't like.

[Carefully ignoring most of the facts on the table here, Dazai, too, focuses on the whisky - but not Chuuya's glass, this time. It's easier to pick his fights... and that is why he chooses to emphasize how much of a threat Chuuya isn't posing.]

I'm not that picky regarding food.

[... He kind of is. Not terribly, but he definitely just won't eat something he's not in a mood for. (Or, indeed, anything, if he's not in the mood.) And then there's the dreaded spice, but he thinks Chuuya is blissfully (for Dazai) unaware of that.]

Oh - your box is leaking.

[Such a helpful guest, he is.]

[Chuuya just gives him a look at that.]

Yeah, you are.

[Picky enough, at least, and stubborn enough that if he decided he wanted this particular food, Dazai might have just refused to eat any of the other options. But it seems like that's not what's happening this time, and Chuuya relaxes for a second, goes back to eating.

Until Dazai makes that, and looks down, and then jumps out of his seat as he notices the stain.]

Shit. Dazai! What the hell?!

[Yes, he knows that was you, Dazai. He shoves that leaking takeout box onto Dazai, and then starts to pull his pants off, because he needs to get some stain remover on that.]

What, was I not supposed to say anything?

[Don't accuse him, you have no evidence! Also: he's trying to be nice, here... sort of!!

Well then, nevermind Dazai as he resumes eating. (From the other box of the same food, because who wants or needs a leaky one?) Contrary to Chuuya's frantic attempts at limiting the damage, Dazai is relaxed, regarding the scene with -... Well, "satisfaction" might be overstating it, but he's certainly not unsatisfied.]

Somehow, I suspected that this meeting was simply an excuse for you to take your pants off, but I didn't think it would happen this quickly.

[It's like you didn't even need the whisky, Chuu!]

[It's always Dazai's fault. Whenever something goes wrong - at least if it's something embarrassing to Chuuya - and Dazai is anywhere in the vicinity, then it's his fault. Guilty until proven innocent.

He's tempted to throw his pants at Dazai, but he does need to get that stain remover on them. He settles for just glaring as he heads for the bathroom.]

I should stab you with my chopsticks. Like hell I'm taking my pants off for you!

[When he returns, he's changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, lazy clothes for wearing around the apartment when he's alone. He prefers not to wear that around other people - impressions are too important, and he's vain about his appearance - but Dazai doesn't deserve any effort, doesn't deserve for him to dress up for him when he doesn't want Dazai to enjoy looking at him anyway.

(In reality it's that he's comfortable around Dazai. It's another sign of trust.)]

Did you eat all the beef?

That would be a first!

[Dazai halfway shouts the words after Chuuya as he rushes to save his clothing, because Dazai is an adult that way. He just never shuts up.

Except after that, because Chuuya isn't in front of him to hear it anyway, and Dazai is eating, finally. Why? Well, only so he can cheerfully answer, when Chuuya returns:]

M-hm~!

[He ate all your beef~! Do you have a beef with him now~?]

[Chuuya is just going to ignore that comment. Mostly becaues if Dazai decides he wants to fuck Chuuya later, then Chuuya will probably let him, so there's no point in giving Dazai another reason to be smug about it. But he's still going to kick the back of Dazai's chair as he returns.

He sits down, grabs one of the takeout boxes, and starts digging through with his chopsticks for any surviving meat.]

I really hate you.

[There's a small piece of beef at the bottom, so he's going to eat that quickly. Then he sighs, because... He hasn't actually forgotten about his reason for inviting Dazai here.]

If I'm guilty anyway, I could have just killed them all from the start.

[That's not what he's decided to do.]

[They both know that, since the chair isn't flying through the room with Dazai on it, getting launched like a space rocket, it wasn't a real attempt at a kick from Chuuya.

But Dazai is still going to give him A Look, because fuck you (possibly literally, later, yes).]

I utterly despise you too, Chuuya.

[There's no real malice in the words, though: all of this is obvious and long since established, so why does Chuuya even bother to point it out, really?]

That still wouldn't have been a loss, just a lack of a gain. And it would have given Mori-san more of a hold on you for whatever punishment he may have in mind.

[If he does have one in mind. Dazai can imagine, of course, but since he's no longer intimately aware of the status quo of the mafia top's inner workings, imagine is all he can.

The problem with Mori is that, the moment you think you know what he's up to, you don't.]

... Knowing you, he'll probably condemn you to taking a vacation!

[Clearly the worst punishment!]

[A vacation would mean sending him away. It would mean no longer being close to the mafia, no longer having any idea what was going on in Yokohama, with his subordinates, with Dazai or Fyodor. It would be a punishment, because it would be keeping him out of the loop, and he'd spend the whole time worrying why that's necessary.]

I can't leave Yokohama now.

[Chuuya has taken a couple of vacations over the years, but he he prefers staying close enough that he can be back in Yokohama a couple of hours. And it's usually because Kouyou makes him take a break.

He's had enough food, he thinks, so he picks up his whiskey glass again instead. At least he just sips it for now - he does know his own tolerance, he just usually ignores it - because he doesn't want to be so drunk that he stops being able to think just yet. He still needs to figure this out.]

If the boss wants to punish me, this won't be his main reason.

[Sleeping with a rat is a worse crime. Chuuya is under no illusions that he's been able to hide it from Mori.]

But yeah, I'm not killing this gang. I can think of something better.

[That's fair: Mori definitely has better reasons to punish Chuuya, if and when he feels like it.]

He may use it as an excuse, though.

[Not that Mori needs an excuse. It's really not that kind of excuse; rather, it would be calling Chuuya out and possibly hinting at something or other that Mori knows but isn't calling in just yet, basically giving himself a rain check for worse punishment to follow, while instilling fear in anyone smart enough to know what he's capable of.

But again, you just can't tell. Mori will always know at least as much as you, and probably more, so he always has the best info to work with, whereas you can only guess as to his goals.

Meanwhile Mr. Mass-Murdering Executive is refusing to mass murder.]

Oh? How very uncharacteristic of you.

[Not really, Dazai is just being a dick. He's annoyed, too, because when Mori doesn't necessarily want the entire gang destroyed, Dazai would consider it more reason to do just that. That Chuuya feels differently is hardly a surprise, but it still pisses Dazai off a bit. How Chuuya has gone all this time without being killed by Mori is a mystery.]

[Chuuya knows. He knows Mori could use it against him, and he also thinks Mori has every right. Chuuya's loyalty should be to the Organization first, and his actions might make it look like its not, which is a problem. Even if Mori trusts him - and Mori is paranoid at best - if anyone else in the Organization starts to question Chuuya, Mori would have to do something about it.

Chuuya knows all of that.

What's new, though, and what's completely unlike Chuuya, is that he doesn't really regret any of what he's done. Even he doesn't know what to think of that.]

Yeah. If he doesn't want anyone to figure out the real reason.

[Chuuya hates this. He really does. He defines himself by his loyalty, and he hates the idea that someone could actually question it. His first instinct is to find a way to prove himself, but even that could backfire here. He's going to down his glass of whiskey, considers immediately refilling it, and then hesitates.

His first priority is still the mafia.]

I screwed myself either way, right? So I might as well just do what benefits the Organization the most and not worry about it.

[He means his subordinates, not necessarily Mori, though it's difficult to separate the two. And saying he's not worrying about it is, for once, a complete lie.]

[Of course Chuuya is worried. Only an even bigger idiot than Chuuya would not be worried. He didn't technically say that he wasn't worried, either, which means it's fair play by Dazai's standards, and also more reason, rather than less, to assume that Chuuya - even the ever-loyal Chuuya! - is having a Concern.

That's good; it's well deserved. But it's also kind of a bad sign for Chuuya's future.]

... I'm just saying this, but you know there are other places than the mafia where you could live, and even thrive.

[Dazai knows that Chuuya isn't leaving the mafia, but part of Dazai still wishes Chuuya would, at times like these. One day, Mori's mental charts will consider Chuuya more of a liability than an asset, and then a swift end is the best Chuuya can hope for.

There are ways out, even though they come with their own drawbacks, for the mafia in general even more than for Chuuya in specific. But sometimes Dazai really wishes Chuuya would take them anyway, both for his safety and just to see what happens.

But it won't happen.]

[That makes Chuuya stop. For several seconds he's completely still, like he's waiting for Dazai to start making sense, or for his own brain to catch up on that meaning.]

What?

[He looks over at Dazai. That really came out of nowhere, in his opinion. He's never considered leaving the mafia - just like he never considered leaving the Sheep - because loyalty is too important to him. He needs to belong. He refuses to be a traitor. There's a reason why, even after the Sheep turned on him, he continued to protect them.]

You want me to abandon the Organization?

[Yeah, he really wasn't expecting to hear that from Dazai, even though Dazai did abandon the Organization first.]

[Dazai uses those seconds of silence to refill his glass... and, after some consideration, refill Chuuya's as well. He may or may not regret that later, but it's not like he's making Chuuya drink. If it ends poorly, it's still Chuuya's fault.]

I don't want you to do anything, Chuuya.

[It's none of his business, no matter which way he looks at it, and that's probably for the best. But Chuuya is not going to think of this stuff on his own until it's way too late, and so Dazai can at least do his share by pointing out the obvious. Not that he owes Chuuya anything, but they do go way back... That's an excuse human beings like to use, right?]

But there'll come a time when Mori thinks you're better off dead, and when that happens, it will be best to have a plan in place.

[He swirls the whisky in his glass thoughtfully.]

Well, making such plans isn't going to convince him to change his mind, though.

[And Mori, being Mori, is bound to suspect. That's still not a good reason not to go through with it, however. It may force a slightly quicker outcome, whether for better or for worse, but it's not likely to change the outcome as such.]

[The words hit hard. Chuuya is trying not to react, trying to shove it all down, but it's bringing back memories he was never able to move on from, and Dazai has to know that. The Sheep were terrified of him, and that had been Chuuya's fault. He'd been naive. He'd been trying to do too much for them, and that had left them without confidence, which is why they turned on him. Mori is the one who helped Chuuya see everything he did wrong.

And just the idea that Mori can end up fearing him in the same way is horrifyingly painful.

He does know that Mori isn't someone who trusts others. He verifies, double-checks, and keeps insurances agaisnt everyone. Chuuya is sure he still keeps track of the Sheep just in case he needs to use them as leverage. But still.]

Maybe you're right.

[Chuuya can find a way to prove himself again. He grabs that folder Dazai rejected and opens it, but it's for himself this time. He'll go through the information he gathered, figure out a strategy, see which resources he can get for the mafia.

He doesn't want to think about what Dazai is saying at all.]

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when you're helpless, waiting to collide

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