indensity | when you're helpless, waiting to collide

when you're helpless, waiting to collide

[Chuuya has lost all track of time while he's been there. The drugs they've injected him with has him slipping in and out of consciousness, and it's making it difficult to think, made worse by the fact that every inch of his body seems to hurt. He only vaguely remembers the fight. He's pretty sure his coffee had been drugged when he bought it, that or his croissant, and then when he'd felt so dizzy only his ability could keep him standing, he'd been attacked out of nowhere by two ability users. One of them had some sort of lightning based ability, he's not sure about the other.

He's pretty sure he has a concussion.

He's been trying to gauge his injuries, figure out if he'll be able to move, trying to figure out a way to break himself free. He's chained up, but he should be able to break those if the drugs wear off. The door to this room looks solid, but he can break it. If not for the drugs.

At some point, someone comes into the room and injects him with another dose, and he loses all consciousness again. When he wakes up, he starts the thought process over. Where is he, can he fight, how will he get out. He's not the type to ever just wait to be rescued.]

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[Dazai doesn't immediately order another drink, and that's a bad sign. That means he's ready to leave. Chuuya rubs at the back of his neck, wondering if he should just get this over with.]

Yeah, well, I didn't want to.

[That's sort of a lie. He came here for himself. He signals the bartender, orders another glass of whiskey for Dazai, because it just feels wrong if he's not drinking. And maybe to make sure he doesn't run.

And then he's going to get this over with, because he's not a coward.]

You know what I'm sick of? [He's looking at his wine glass, swirling it around a little before taking a sip.] Not getting to decide who I consider an enemy.

[They both know that, since the chair isn't flying through the room with Dazai on it, getting launched like a space rocket, it wasn't a real attempt at a kick from Chuuya.

But Dazai is still going to give him A Look, because fuck you (possibly literally, later, yes).]

I utterly despise you too, Chuuya.

[There's no real malice in the words, though: all of this is obvious and long since established, so why does Chuuya even bother to point it out, really?]

That still wouldn't have been a loss, just a lack of a gain. And it would have given Mori-san more of a hold on you for whatever punishment he may have in mind.

[If he does have one in mind. Dazai can imagine, of course, but since he's no longer intimately aware of the status quo of the mafia top's inner workings, imagine is all he can.

The problem with Mori is that, the moment you think you know what he's up to, you don't.]

... Knowing you, he'll probably condemn you to taking a vacation!

[Clearly the worst punishment!]

[... Well, that is not good... If Chuuya is willingly buying Dazai a drink, it can only spell disaster. What has Dazai missed? Has the mafia just assassinated someone in the ADA because of reasons, maybe? Or worse?! Either way, this is bound to be terrible. Dazai doesn't leave just yet, but neither does he touch his fresh drink. He'd rather know what he's being bribed for, first.]

Now you're sick of that?

[Hasn't it always been that way for Chuuya? People in his group are "good"; people outside of it are "bad". As if life is ever that simple.]

[A vacation would mean sending him away. It would mean no longer being close to the mafia, no longer having any idea what was going on in Yokohama, with his subordinates, with Dazai or Fyodor. It would be a punishment, because it would be keeping him out of the loop, and he'd spend the whole time worrying why that's necessary.]

I can't leave Yokohama now.

[Chuuya has taken a couple of vacations over the years, but he he prefers staying close enough that he can be back in Yokohama a couple of hours. And it's usually because Kouyou makes him take a break.

He's had enough food, he thinks, so he picks up his whiskey glass again instead. At least he just sips it for now - he does know his own tolerance, he just usually ignores it - because he doesn't want to be so drunk that he stops being able to think just yet. He still needs to figure this out.]

If the boss wants to punish me, this won't be his main reason.

[Sleeping with a rat is a worse crime. Chuuya is under no illusions that he's been able to hide it from Mori.]

But yeah, I'm not killing this gang. I can think of something better.

[Chuuya is a little frustrated when Dazai doesn't accept the glass, but he won't push it. He knows he can't change Dazai's mind if he decides to be stubborn. But this is... uncomfortable. It would be so much easier if they were both drunk.

Chuuya should have gotten himself drunk before coming here.]

So what?

[It's not that simple. It's mostly been that simple. Chuuya wants to protect the mafia for his own reasons, and while outsiders are not necessarily enemies, they're still outsiders. Everybody needs their loyalties - it's how you earn somewhere to belong.

And it hasn't mattered when he hasn't cared about people outside the Port Mafia, except that... He always has, hasn't he? He drinks more wine before continuing, a little too fast.]

You're not my enemy, Dazai.

[That's fair: Mori definitely has better reasons to punish Chuuya, if and when he feels like it.]

He may use it as an excuse, though.

[Not that Mori needs an excuse. It's really not that kind of excuse; rather, it would be calling Chuuya out and possibly hinting at something or other that Mori knows but isn't calling in just yet, basically giving himself a rain check for worse punishment to follow, while instilling fear in anyone smart enough to know what he's capable of.

But again, you just can't tell. Mori will always know at least as much as you, and probably more, so he always has the best info to work with, whereas you can only guess as to his goals.

Meanwhile Mr. Mass-Murdering Executive is refusing to mass murder.]

Oh? How very uncharacteristic of you.

[Not really, Dazai is just being a dick. He's annoyed, too, because when Mori doesn't necessarily want the entire gang destroyed, Dazai would consider it more reason to do just that. That Chuuya feels differently is hardly a surprise, but it still pisses Dazai off a bit. How Chuuya has gone all this time without being killed by Mori is a mystery.]

[Somewhere to belong... What a foreign concept. And if a place to belong is only bought at the expense of never-ending sacrifice and compromise, is it really where you belong in the first place?

Of course not. Anyone with half a brain knows that - and yet humanity in general refuses to admit it. It's so blatant that, even now, it pisses Dazai off on a visceral level that he hasn't displayed in years, even if he does sometimes still feel it, somewhat pettily.

His eyebrows shoot up at Chuuya's statement, because regardless of whether Dazai agrees with it (and that is more complicated than it should be), that's not as important as why Chuuya says it, and how seriously (or not) Chuuya takes it. To agree or not..? Dazai doesn't really want to, but he's not sure he can emphatically disagree, either.]

Be that as it may, I'm fairly sure we don't qualify as friends, either. [They hate each other far too much for that!

The more difficult question is: what, then, are they?]

[Chuuya knows. He knows Mori could use it against him, and he also thinks Mori has every right. Chuuya's loyalty should be to the Organization first, and his actions might make it look like its not, which is a problem. Even if Mori trusts him - and Mori is paranoid at best - if anyone else in the Organization starts to question Chuuya, Mori would have to do something about it.

Chuuya knows all of that.

What's new, though, and what's completely unlike Chuuya, is that he doesn't really regret any of what he's done. Even he doesn't know what to think of that.]

Yeah. If he doesn't want anyone to figure out the real reason.

[Chuuya hates this. He really does. He defines himself by his loyalty, and he hates the idea that someone could actually question it. His first instinct is to find a way to prove himself, but even that could backfire here. He's going to down his glass of whiskey, considers immediately refilling it, and then hesitates.

His first priority is still the mafia.]

I screwed myself either way, right? So I might as well just do what benefits the Organization the most and not worry about it.

[He means his subordinates, not necessarily Mori, though it's difficult to separate the two. And saying he's not worrying about it is, for once, a complete lie.]

[He's taking it very seriously. He wouldn't say it if he didn't, because he knows that technically it's not a decision he gets to make for himself. Dazai could choose to make a move against him, against the mafia (but he doesn't think he will), or Mori could order Chuuya to make a move against the ADA. So he's making his statement in spite of all of that.

He's really not stupid enough to say it lightly.]

Who the hell would want to be friends with you?

[There's no venom behind it. It's just that insults are easier, and he's annoyingly nervous about this whole thing. It's just Dazai, he reminds himself.

Except of course that this isn't about them being enemies, or friends, or whatever the hell they really are. He still can't get that damn conversation he had with that Hunting Dog out of his head, or everything Fyodor has been saying to him since they first started talking. This is Dazai. And he means so much more to Chuuya than he wants to admit, and Chuuya's being a coward and saying this instead.]

But if we ever have to move against each other, come talk to me first instead.

[Of course Chuuya is worried. Only an even bigger idiot than Chuuya would not be worried. He didn't technically say that he wasn't worried, either, which means it's fair play by Dazai's standards, and also more reason, rather than less, to assume that Chuuya - even the ever-loyal Chuuya! - is having a Concern.

That's good; it's well deserved. But it's also kind of a bad sign for Chuuya's future.]

... I'm just saying this, but you know there are other places than the mafia where you could live, and even thrive.

[Dazai knows that Chuuya isn't leaving the mafia, but part of Dazai still wishes Chuuya would, at times like these. One day, Mori's mental charts will consider Chuuya more of a liability than an asset, and then a swift end is the best Chuuya can hope for.

There are ways out, even though they come with their own drawbacks, for the mafia in general even more than for Chuuya in specific. But sometimes Dazai really wishes Chuuya would take them anyway, both for his safety and just to see what happens.

But it won't happen.]

[Dazai may not have much of an idea what the hell this is all supposed to be about suddenly, but he knows that what Chuuya says has little to nothing to do with it.

It's annoying. It makes this even more of a waste of time than a conversation with Chuuya is bound to be, and it still leaves Dazai with a vague sense of dread that he can't seem to narrow down the cause of.]

You say that, but it's not like you'll do that either, will you?

[Not because Chuuya doesn't want to! Whether he does or doesn't is irrelevant. But Mori will never agree to cluing in the mafia's enemies before they strike, and so Chuuya won't tell Dazai anything. It (sort of) makes sense.]

[That makes Chuuya stop. For several seconds he's completely still, like he's waiting for Dazai to start making sense, or for his own brain to catch up on that meaning.]

What?

[He looks over at Dazai. That really came out of nowhere, in his opinion. He's never considered leaving the mafia - just like he never considered leaving the Sheep - because loyalty is too important to him. He needs to belong. He refuses to be a traitor. There's a reason why, even after the Sheep turned on him, he continued to protect them.]

You want me to abandon the Organization?

[Yeah, he really wasn't expecting to hear that from Dazai, even though Dazai did abandon the Organization first.]

I will.

[Mori might be angry. But he also knows that no matter what the situation is, together he and Dazai can figure out a better solution, and isn't that what matters? As long as it works out for both their groups, as long as as Chuuya's subordinates don't have to die unnecessarily. As long as he doesn't have to fight Dazai. Because he won't.

He finishes his glass of red wine, sets it down.]

I can't promise the Black Lizard won't attack the Detective Agency at some point - [he makes a point of calling it by its actual name, for once] - or some other group within the mafia, but you guys can apparently handle that. And it won't be my orders.

[That's all he had to say. He kind of wants to just leave, because it feels too heavy, too dangerous. And he doesn't want to give Dazai a chance to keep arguing.]

[Dazai uses those seconds of silence to refill his glass... and, after some consideration, refill Chuuya's as well. He may or may not regret that later, but it's not like he's making Chuuya drink. If it ends poorly, it's still Chuuya's fault.]

I don't want you to do anything, Chuuya.

[It's none of his business, no matter which way he looks at it, and that's probably for the best. But Chuuya is not going to think of this stuff on his own until it's way too late, and so Dazai can at least do his share by pointing out the obvious. Not that he owes Chuuya anything, but they do go way back... That's an excuse human beings like to use, right?]

But there'll come a time when Mori thinks you're better off dead, and when that happens, it will be best to have a plan in place.

[He swirls the whisky in his glass thoughtfully.]

Well, making such plans isn't going to convince him to change his mind, though.

[And Mori, being Mori, is bound to suspect. That's still not a good reason not to go through with it, however. It may force a slightly quicker outcome, whether for better or for worse, but it's not likely to change the outcome as such.]

[Even if this is all true, it will just mean that Mori, who has at least an 80% chance of finding out about this "deal" or suspecting it, will not tell Chuuya when a move against the ADA is planned.

But that's not as important as the attempt that Chuuya is making here, clumsy as it is. This may or may not be a set-up from Mori in itself, but it doesn't seem to be, and Chuuya seems to be genuine enough in his approach... whatever he's hoping to accomplish with it.

It kind of gives Dazai a headache, really, the ominous pressure of something unseen looming over the whole thing. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing, after all.]

So you're proposing an agreement, just the two of us, to take precedence over whatever our organizations want from us.

[... That sounds pretty good, really. Apart from anything else: Dazai never did like Chuuya's blind loyalty to Mori much, and this will chip away at it, at least a little.

It does feel a little unbalanced, though. Even disregarding his personal satisfaction, Dazai stands a lot more to gain, here.]

[The words hit hard. Chuuya is trying not to react, trying to shove it all down, but it's bringing back memories he was never able to move on from, and Dazai has to know that. The Sheep were terrified of him, and that had been Chuuya's fault. He'd been naive. He'd been trying to do too much for them, and that had left them without confidence, which is why they turned on him. Mori is the one who helped Chuuya see everything he did wrong.

And just the idea that Mori can end up fearing him in the same way is horrifyingly painful.

He does know that Mori isn't someone who trusts others. He verifies, double-checks, and keeps insurances agaisnt everyone. Chuuya is sure he still keeps track of the Sheep just in case he needs to use them as leverage. But still.]

Maybe you're right.

[Chuuya can find a way to prove himself again. He grabs that folder Dazai rejected and opens it, but it's for himself this time. He'll go through the information he gathered, figure out a strategy, see which resources he can get for the mafia.

He doesn't want to think about what Dazai is saying at all.]

[Chuuya rubs at the back of his neck for a second, and then turns around on his stool to face Dazai finally.]

Yeah. Why not?

[The truth is, he'd do it anyway. He's made up his mind. Dazai isn't his enemy, and if they're put in a position where they're forced to be, Chuuya will look for another solution. It wouldn't matter if Dazai turned him down here.

Because he's been thinking about Dazai for several days now. That's nothing new, but he hasn't been able to lie to himself about why anymore. He has feelings for this bastard. He hates it, but there's no point in pretending he's willing to turn against him. This is... the closest he can ever come to telling him.]

It works out pretty well for you, right?

"Why not"? Because it works out pretty well for me. You don't stand to gain nearly as much.

[Mental alarm bells are still ringing in the distance, but Dazai makes himself appear calm, picking up his glass of whisky, and taking a good sip. He's not sure how this will turn out, but he may as well get a free drink out of it.

He really doesn't want to ask, but... he asks anyway. Maybe the blunt approach will actually be effective with so blunt a person as Chuuya.]

What exactly are you hoping to get out of it?

Nothing.

[He knows that's not something Dazai is inclined to believe, but then again he can usually tell when Chuuya is being serious. And he does mean it. He's not expecting anything else here.

It just felt inevitable that he had to say it.]

Not like you to care what I get out of it.

[That's... not really true, either, so he's just saying it to make Dazai back down. He can argue, but that would be admitting he wants Chuuya to get something out of it, too, wouldn't it? Or well, that's the logic he's hoping Dazai will accept.]

[Dazai does know that Chuuya is serious. That is the problem. Even if Chuuya is doing this for his own reasons, for him to willingly go against the mafia (or appear to be going against the mafia) like this, Chuuya must have some damn good motivation.

That, or Mori has tricked him into it somehow. Even if Chuuya is sincere, here, that doesn't mean there are no risks to Dazai and Chuuya both.]

Coming out with something like this suddenly, you can't expect me not to wonder where it came from.

[And he still is wondering, though that's not to say he won't accept their unofficial deal regardless.]

You haven't even thought about going against the Organization since you joined it.

[Only a slight exaggeration, really. But the point stands: this deal clearly compromises Chuuya's loyalty.]

[He knew Dazai wouldn't drop it that easily. He should have prepared a lie to give him, but Dazai would have seen through it, like he always does, so there wasn't really any point. But it's better than not having an answer he wants to give at all.

He signals to the bartender for another glass of wine.]

If you really decided to go against the Organization, my best bet for protecting my subordinates would be to strike a deal with you, right?

[Although the odds of the Port Mafia attacking the ADA is much higher. They both know that. Dazai might make smaller moves, might occasionally hinder some of their business dealings, steal some information, but... That's small scale, it's not really what Chuuya cares about here.]

I'm not going against the Organization.

[Mori would see that very differently, he knows.]

Edited 2022-04-20 23:07 (UTC)

[Mori would indeed see it very differently. Dazai isn't convinced that Chuuya himself doesn't see it differently, too - but whatever. He smiles, halfway mocking Chuuya, halfway reluctantly accepting the inevitable:]

Very well, then. If you don't want to tell, then don't.

[It's not exactly like Dazai always volunteers the truth, either. And, for better or worse, Chuuya's mind doesn't get changed once it's made up, least of all by force. Pretending not to care is the only thing that will give Dazai even a tiny chance of ever finding out what the hell Chuuya is thinking, here.

... Well... that, and alcohol. Which isn't his entire reason to hold out his glass for a toast, but it's part of it all the same.]

I accept.

[Chuuya feels some tension drain out of him as Dazai agrees to drop it. He can't tell Dazai the real reason, after all. It wouldn't get him anything. Not to mention the fact that Dazai wouldn't forgive him. He smiles, ignores the fact that Dazai's own smile is at least partially mocking, and takes his new glass of wine to clink it against Dazai's.]

I knew you would.

[Dazai gains too much from the deal, after all. Though the truth is he didn't know for sure, and it really wouldn't have mattered if Dazai did or not - Chuuya would have kept his half of the non-deal, in that ase, and Dazai could have done what he wanted. But Chuuya trusts him.

He'll drink some more wine, needing to forget about how annoyingly stressful this was.]

I'm surprised you chose a place with decent wine.

[Really, this whole conversation has been nothing but strange, and Chuuya's obvious relief isn't having it make any more sense. But it is what it is. Dazai has agreed to the deal, now. He may even stick to it, depending on circumstances.

Better to just drink for now. If he gets answers eventually, so much the better, but it won't kill him if he won't. (And since it won't kill him anyway, why would he care??)]

You're always complaining about my lack of taste, but you're still choosing to drink with me, Chuuya.

[Plus, yanno, the sex. But they are in public, and some things are better not said out loud.]

Guess my taste's pretty shit, too.

[Not his taste in wine, though. That one is clearly flawless. And much as he loves collecting expensive bottles, Chuuya isn't really a snob - it's more about insulting Dazai than actually caring too much, because if he wanted great wine he'd drink at home.

Which he could do. Although if he went there now, they'd end up fucking, and that might be a bad idea right now. There are still some things he needs to suppress.]

So why did you come here?

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when you're helpless, waiting to collide

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