[ that was the wrong thing to say; fyodor gets up and turns to look at chuuya, irritation visible in the way the russian begins to pace like a cornered animal. ] That is not what I meant. If I wanted to be free from you I'd have killed you already. [ because of course he's always going to default to murder as a solution.
he brings a finger to his mouth, nipping at the edge of it as he thinks. the skin gives way, it bleeds and fyodor finds that a comfort, bad habit or not. ]
And if I were speaking of destroying this city I would have been clear about that, too. This desire isn't linked to arbitrary destruction and murder, which are not things I engage in without purpose.
Which is what—if you want me to give up the book, in the state I am in, I cannot.
[ he is trapped by that, he wants to be free but that can't happen no matter what way he looks.
he needs dazai to understand. he needs chuuya to see. he doesn't entirely know how to do either when he himself can't find a way to summarize things. ]
[Chuuya physically draws back slightly, leaning back on the ledge. Part of him doesn't want to be here. Part of him wants to run away. He knows he's saying all the wrong things, and he wouldn't blame them for not wanting him there, but --]
You left.
[It's directed at Fyodor, but it might as well be for Dazai, considering everything. He drags his hands over the back of his neck, tension in his shoulders, in his face, even easier to read than normal. He hates not feeling like he should be part of this conversation.]
Do you even know what I'd be willing to give up for you? For either of you?
[The answer should be that obviously they know, but they don't, he thinks, because he's not sure he knew before this either. He has to fix it. He has to fix it for them. He hops down off the ledge, but he's not making eye contact.]
We can figure out a next step that doesn't go straight to giving it up.
[Dazai, too, is having some (not-actual-)regrets about this three-way relationship, because this conversation with Fyodor is awkward, even if it's necessary (and not necessarily bad), and then, on top of that, Chuuya has to say such clingy things and give Dazai the (thankfully only figurative) shivers. Dazai would be lying if he said he never wanted to have a proper relationship with another person ever, but right now? He's feeling the burden of such ties a lot more than the benefits. It makes him want to either burst out in highly inappropriate laughter or jump off the building, but unfortunately neither of those options will make things even a little bit better. Even less fortunately (perhaps?), he doesn't feel like he'd make him feel any better.
And so he goes for a third option that is equally out there, if a lot grosser to think about: he agrees with Chuuya (more or less).]
Mhm. If you can't give it up, don't give it up.
[That's something to work on for the future, then, but he can't force Fyodor to give up on anything - not really, and not long-term - and he knows it. More relevant here, though, is that he doesn't really want to corner Fyodor that way, even though he will absolutely do it out of necessity, if Yokohama is at risk.
Apart from that, though? The thrill of beating Fyodor wore off about .5 seconds after the victory in question - and that was before this weird relationship happened. Beyond the urgent and practical, keeping Fyodor under his thumb was never his goal.]
[ being cornered and coerced would be taken as a sign of betrayal and open hostility; fyodor, too, is cognizant of not pushing dazai to take these actions either—because to do so is a breach of trust. his hand drifts by his side, those words are reassuring at least. his pursuit of the book isn't rooted in particular hate, it is something more amorphous and complex that fyodor at times isn't sure how much to allow within himself. all he knows is that he has to eliminate ability users for the sake of the world.
unintentionally or not, fyodor feels held under a thumb, leashed and contained and bored. the book gives him purpose, without it—all he could do is fade. and he's not ready for that option, he won't. ]
Feeling stagnated breeds resentment. What can you offer me that I would want more than the book? Is such a thing entirely possible? [ rhetorical, he has something he wants badly enough to consider giving up the book. ]
[He really is saying too much. He'll have to make it up to Dazai later. Not Fyodor, though, he's still pissed at Fyodor.
He leans back against the ledge almost immediately after getting up, like he can't decide what to do with himself, hands in his pockets, looking restless despite standing completely still for the moment. This is the worst possible situation, because it feels like everything hinges on coming up with exactly the right answer, right now. He doesn't know what the fuck he can offer that he hasn't already.]
Exhausting you isn't hard.
[Just saying.]
Pretty sure the two of you can figure out a way to challenge each other, if that's what you want.
[What can Dazai offer, here - self-development and the chance of finding peace on the side of good? That's laughable, even to him. Perhaps he's underestimated just how much Fyodor needs to be kept busy, though: it's been a little different for himself, either through circumstances or through differences in personality, and he's come to welcome periods of "boredom" between his regular stints of trying to save the world. He's got plenty of fun hobbies anyway, like making Kunikida's life as difficult as possible.
But then, Dazai chose his current life, and Fyodor did not. Dazai had also basically exhausted all options of his previous life - well, all but one rather unattractive option - before discarding it for another, making for an even less comparable situation.]
I can't tell you what you might want more. [He doesn't think it's up to him to decide that, either. Wouldn't that be just as entrapping as Fyodor's current circumstances?] But I'm willing to help you find it.
[There's bound to be something. He refuses to believe that Fyodor can't have a life beyond destroying the book. Gently, Dazai takes the hand that Fyodor just mutilated once again, and strokes his thumb over it.]
[ fyodor considers dazai's words, and the touch of his hand and dips his head in acknowledgement. none of this had been fyodor's choice and that is perhaps why he also cannot accept them entirely; he's not someone who is desperate for human contact, even though he has grown to cherish it. he also isn't someone who likes being idle, he needs purpose and that isn't going to happen as long as he is here. ]
I want to leave Yokohama for a while. As long as I'm still here, with the book so close—[ he shrugs, takes the chance to briefly squeeze dazai's fingers. ] It is difficult for me to look past it. [ his life isn't all here, he didn't grow up in this city, it isn't his native language and— ]
I don't expect either of you to come but I do want you to trust that I will return as per our agreement.
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no subject
he brings a finger to his mouth, nipping at the edge of it as he thinks. the skin gives way, it bleeds and fyodor finds that a comfort, bad habit or not. ]
And if I were speaking of destroying this city I would have been clear about that, too. This desire isn't linked to arbitrary destruction and murder, which are not things I engage in without purpose.
Which is what—if you want me to give up the book, in the state I am in, I cannot.
[ he is trapped by that, he wants to be free but that can't happen no matter what way he looks.
he needs dazai to understand. he needs chuuya to see. he doesn't entirely know how to do either when he himself can't find a way to summarize things. ]
no subject
You left.
[It's directed at Fyodor, but it might as well be for Dazai, considering everything. He drags his hands over the back of his neck, tension in his shoulders, in his face, even easier to read than normal. He hates not feeling like he should be part of this conversation.]
Do you even know what I'd be willing to give up for you? For either of you?
[The answer should be that obviously they know, but they don't, he thinks, because he's not sure he knew before this either. He has to fix it. He has to fix it for them. He hops down off the ledge, but he's not making eye contact.]
We can figure out a next step that doesn't go straight to giving it up.
no subject
And so he goes for a third option that is equally out there, if a lot grosser to think about: he agrees with Chuuya (more or less).]
Mhm. If you can't give it up, don't give it up.
[That's something to work on for the future, then, but he can't force Fyodor to give up on anything - not really, and not long-term - and he knows it. More relevant here, though, is that he doesn't really want to corner Fyodor that way, even though he will absolutely do it out of necessity, if Yokohama is at risk.
Apart from that, though? The thrill of beating Fyodor wore off about .5 seconds after the victory in question - and that was before this weird relationship happened. Beyond the urgent and practical, keeping Fyodor under his thumb was never his goal.]
no subject
unintentionally or not, fyodor feels held under a thumb, leashed and contained and bored. the book gives him purpose, without it—all he could do is fade. and he's not ready for that option, he won't. ]
Feeling stagnated breeds resentment. What can you offer me that I would want more than the book? Is such a thing entirely possible? [ rhetorical, he has something he wants badly enough to consider giving up the book. ]
I'm tired, you've both exhausted me.
no subject
He leans back against the ledge almost immediately after getting up, like he can't decide what to do with himself, hands in his pockets, looking restless despite standing completely still for the moment. This is the worst possible situation, because it feels like everything hinges on coming up with exactly the right answer, right now. He doesn't know what the fuck he can offer that he hasn't already.]
Exhausting you isn't hard.
[Just saying.]
Pretty sure the two of you can figure out a way to challenge each other, if that's what you want.
no subject
But then, Dazai chose his current life, and Fyodor did not. Dazai had also basically exhausted all options of his previous life - well, all but one rather unattractive option - before discarding it for another, making for an even less comparable situation.]
I can't tell you what you might want more. [He doesn't think it's up to him to decide that, either. Wouldn't that be just as entrapping as Fyodor's current circumstances?] But I'm willing to help you find it.
[There's bound to be something. He refuses to believe that Fyodor can't have a life beyond destroying the book. Gently, Dazai takes the hand that Fyodor just mutilated once again, and strokes his thumb over it.]
no subject
I want to leave Yokohama for a while. As long as I'm still here, with the book so close—[ he shrugs, takes the chance to briefly squeeze dazai's fingers. ] It is difficult for me to look past it. [ his life isn't all here, he didn't grow up in this city, it isn't his native language and— ]
I don't expect either of you to come but I do want you to trust that I will return as per our agreement.