[Dazai, too, is having some (not-actual-)regrets about this three-way relationship, because this conversation with Fyodor is awkward, even if it's necessary (and not necessarily bad), and then, on top of that, Chuuya has to say such clingy things and give Dazai the (thankfully only figurative) shivers. Dazai would be lying if he said he never wanted to have a proper relationship with another person ever, but right now? He's feeling the burden of such ties a lot more than the benefits. It makes him want to either burst out in highly inappropriate laughter or jump off the building, but unfortunately neither of those options will make things even a little bit better. Even less fortunately (perhaps?), he doesn't feel like he'd make him feel any better.
And so he goes for a third option that is equally out there, if a lot grosser to think about: he agrees with Chuuya (more or less).]
Mhm. If you can't give it up, don't give it up.
[That's something to work on for the future, then, but he can't force Fyodor to give up on anything - not really, and not long-term - and he knows it. More relevant here, though, is that he doesn't really want to corner Fyodor that way, even though he will absolutely do it out of necessity, if Yokohama is at risk.
Apart from that, though? The thrill of beating Fyodor wore off about .5 seconds after the victory in question - and that was before this weird relationship happened. Beyond the urgent and practical, keeping Fyodor under his thumb was never his goal.]
[ being cornered and coerced would be taken as a sign of betrayal and open hostility; fyodor, too, is cognizant of not pushing dazai to take these actions either—because to do so is a breach of trust. his hand drifts by his side, those words are reassuring at least. his pursuit of the book isn't rooted in particular hate, it is something more amorphous and complex that fyodor at times isn't sure how much to allow within himself. all he knows is that he has to eliminate ability users for the sake of the world.
unintentionally or not, fyodor feels held under a thumb, leashed and contained and bored. the book gives him purpose, without it—all he could do is fade. and he's not ready for that option, he won't. ]
Feeling stagnated breeds resentment. What can you offer me that I would want more than the book? Is such a thing entirely possible? [ rhetorical, he has something he wants badly enough to consider giving up the book. ]
[He really is saying too much. He'll have to make it up to Dazai later. Not Fyodor, though, he's still pissed at Fyodor.
He leans back against the ledge almost immediately after getting up, like he can't decide what to do with himself, hands in his pockets, looking restless despite standing completely still for the moment. This is the worst possible situation, because it feels like everything hinges on coming up with exactly the right answer, right now. He doesn't know what the fuck he can offer that he hasn't already.]
Exhausting you isn't hard.
[Just saying.]
Pretty sure the two of you can figure out a way to challenge each other, if that's what you want.
[What can Dazai offer, here - self-development and the chance of finding peace on the side of good? That's laughable, even to him. Perhaps he's underestimated just how much Fyodor needs to be kept busy, though: it's been a little different for himself, either through circumstances or through differences in personality, and he's come to welcome periods of "boredom" between his regular stints of trying to save the world. He's got plenty of fun hobbies anyway, like making Kunikida's life as difficult as possible.
But then, Dazai chose his current life, and Fyodor did not. Dazai had also basically exhausted all options of his previous life - well, all but one rather unattractive option - before discarding it for another, making for an even less comparable situation.]
I can't tell you what you might want more. [He doesn't think it's up to him to decide that, either. Wouldn't that be just as entrapping as Fyodor's current circumstances?] But I'm willing to help you find it.
[There's bound to be something. He refuses to believe that Fyodor can't have a life beyond destroying the book. Gently, Dazai takes the hand that Fyodor just mutilated once again, and strokes his thumb over it.]
[ fyodor considers dazai's words, and the touch of his hand and dips his head in acknowledgement. none of this had been fyodor's choice and that is perhaps why he also cannot accept them entirely; he's not someone who is desperate for human contact, even though he has grown to cherish it. he also isn't someone who likes being idle, he needs purpose and that isn't going to happen as long as he is here. ]
I want to leave Yokohama for a while. As long as I'm still here, with the book so close—[ he shrugs, takes the chance to briefly squeeze dazai's fingers. ] It is difficult for me to look past it. [ his life isn't all here, he didn't grow up in this city, it isn't his native language and— ]
I don't expect either of you to come but I do want you to trust that I will return as per our agreement.
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And so he goes for a third option that is equally out there, if a lot grosser to think about: he agrees with Chuuya (more or less).]
Mhm. If you can't give it up, don't give it up.
[That's something to work on for the future, then, but he can't force Fyodor to give up on anything - not really, and not long-term - and he knows it. More relevant here, though, is that he doesn't really want to corner Fyodor that way, even though he will absolutely do it out of necessity, if Yokohama is at risk.
Apart from that, though? The thrill of beating Fyodor wore off about .5 seconds after the victory in question - and that was before this weird relationship happened. Beyond the urgent and practical, keeping Fyodor under his thumb was never his goal.]
no subject
unintentionally or not, fyodor feels held under a thumb, leashed and contained and bored. the book gives him purpose, without it—all he could do is fade. and he's not ready for that option, he won't. ]
Feeling stagnated breeds resentment. What can you offer me that I would want more than the book? Is such a thing entirely possible? [ rhetorical, he has something he wants badly enough to consider giving up the book. ]
I'm tired, you've both exhausted me.
no subject
He leans back against the ledge almost immediately after getting up, like he can't decide what to do with himself, hands in his pockets, looking restless despite standing completely still for the moment. This is the worst possible situation, because it feels like everything hinges on coming up with exactly the right answer, right now. He doesn't know what the fuck he can offer that he hasn't already.]
Exhausting you isn't hard.
[Just saying.]
Pretty sure the two of you can figure out a way to challenge each other, if that's what you want.
no subject
But then, Dazai chose his current life, and Fyodor did not. Dazai had also basically exhausted all options of his previous life - well, all but one rather unattractive option - before discarding it for another, making for an even less comparable situation.]
I can't tell you what you might want more. [He doesn't think it's up to him to decide that, either. Wouldn't that be just as entrapping as Fyodor's current circumstances?] But I'm willing to help you find it.
[There's bound to be something. He refuses to believe that Fyodor can't have a life beyond destroying the book. Gently, Dazai takes the hand that Fyodor just mutilated once again, and strokes his thumb over it.]
no subject
I want to leave Yokohama for a while. As long as I'm still here, with the book so close—[ he shrugs, takes the chance to briefly squeeze dazai's fingers. ] It is difficult for me to look past it. [ his life isn't all here, he didn't grow up in this city, it isn't his native language and— ]
I don't expect either of you to come but I do want you to trust that I will return as per our agreement.