indensity | ic contact & overflow for prismatica

Yeah. He used you to force my hand.

[If that's accusatory, there's no real force behind it, just a statement of fact. But Dazai was the one who made Chuuya that deal - he'd spare the Sheep if Chuuya joined. The choice had been easy, because, as Dazai just said, it wasn't really a choice at all.

But even if he knew a lot of what Dazai is saying, it's still starting to explain things, just a little. The fact that he's saying it says a lot, and his tone helps as well. Chuuya keeps watching him.

He sets his drink down, abandoning it.]

It's what makes him a good leader. It's what allows him to protect the mafia, why it's grown in strength since the day he took over.

[Disagree with him, Dazai. Argue with him. Point out what he's missing so that he can finally make sense of all of this.

This isn't because he wouldn't let Dazai kill himself, because Chuuya doubts anyone in the ADA would let him do that, either. That kid he's taken in definitely wouldn't. For that matter, Chuuya wouldn't. No, there's more there.

[Dazai doesn't answer that statement. After all, it's something they both know already. Dazai is the reason Chuuya is part of the Port Mafia. And even today he's not sure how to feel about any of that. So much of his feeling is tied up in who he was, what he was at the time...

The rest is--if not easier, then simpler, at least. It feels like a more academic debate. Like the kind of discussion Mori used to encourage. Like a lesson, and there's a strange mingled feeling of nostalgia and bitterness at the thought.]

Is it? Is that what makes a good leader? Recognizing how to use people? Seeing them as tools? Knowing how to back them into the right corner? Is that all it takes?

[Maybe he'd thought so once. Maybe he could still think that way. But somehow he doesn't think that's the only thing that matters to Chuuya. Not if he really thinks about it.]

[That's not an argument. That's a description of who Dazai used to be, or at least the kind of person everyone thought he was. And a perfect description of Mori as well. Chuuya absently twirls the hair falling over his shoulder, head tilted slightly, needing to word this right.

Yes, he wants to say. Yes, that's what makes a good leader.]

A good leader will use any means necessary to keep his subordinates safe.

[He releases his hair again, lets it bounce back to its original shape.]

It's what I was missing. [He's never told Dazai that. Never mentioned that conversation he and Mori had to anyone.] It's why I failed as a leader. Try to be friends with your subordinates all you want, but they'll still never see you that way, not when you're the one holding all the power.

A good leader will use their subordinates. A good leader knows their strengths, what they're capable of. That's what lets them know they're valuable. I never gave the Sheep that, which is why they thought I'd be so willing to just throw them aside.

And a good leader gets their hands dirty. A good leader makes the difficult decisions. Because protecting the mafia comes first, always. And yeah, sometimes that means forcing someone's hand.

The Boss doesn't take any of it lightly. And neither do I.

But that's not his goal, Chuuya. His goal has never been to keep his subordinates safe. Lives don't matter, except in the form of currency.

[Trying to find the words for this is difficult. Trying to find words that don't make him feel like a hypocrite is impossible. He does his best to ignore the swirling discomfort in his stomach, the feeling that always comes from talking about things that feel too genuine, things that hit too close to home. He fights the urge to dissemble, to redirect. For the first time...ever, maybe, he thinks, they're talking. They're talking, and they're both trying to actually communicate. He needs to try.]

An efficient leader knows how to use their subordinates. How to leverage them against each other. How to play their strengths and weaknesses off each other. How to play their personalities. All use does is make them feel useful. That's not the same thing as valued, not unless you've very carefully framed how use is to be perceived.

[And Mori had always been so very careful, hadn't he?]

We've always been taught that one is the same as the other. But they aren't the same at all. Mori is good at what he does. But you're wrong about his goals. His first priority is not protecting the mafia. His first priority is establishing his own vision of order. Everyone else--they're only a means to an end. They aren't the goal.

[He's too drunk for this. Or not drunk enough. He's angry, and trying to ignore it, because he wants to hear what Dazai has to say. But at the same time --]

-- Coming from you?

[He has to say it, at least once. Dazai is more similar to Mori than he is, and still he's trying to call him out for behavior that he used to imitate.]

I guess you never said that lives don't matter, just that life doesn't.

[He slides his hand around to rub at the back of his neck. He'd thought this conversation would be about Dazai.]

The mafia is part of his vision of order. He considers himself a slave to the mafia, so I don't know where you're getting the idea that he doesn't prioritize it. Because sometimes, some people die?

[It isn't behavior he used to imitate. Or--not exactly. A similarity that Mori saw, the same disconnect from the world, a disregard for life, a lack of empathy--same symptoms, different disease. He was never like Mori. He could have been, with enough time, enough damage to the parts of him that only now are showing any signs of life at all--but he's not.

Still. What Chuuya says isn't all wrong, either, even if it's petty. Dazai doesn't flinch, just shakes his head.]

He presents himself like that because it's what he needs to be for them to follow him. He's painted himself into the role. But he has an exit. He'll always have an exit. How can you say anyone is ever anything if they're always ready to leave? After all, I would know, wouldn't I?

[The words are a little harsher than they should be, but they aren't directed at Chuuya. It's that bitter resentment that's only ever been aimed at himself.

Sometimes people die, Chuuya says, and that...Sparks something. Some small flare of heat in his eyes as Dazai looks up at him. Something that flares...then flickers and dies.]

...You're right. Sometimes people die. And sometimes it's even because they want to.

[He takes a long swallow from the bottle Chuuya has pushed aside, trying to somehow make the words feel less like glass. It doesn't help.]

I'm not a complete idiot. What he did wasn't only because of Mori. It wasn't because of Mori at all, really. Mori just saw an opportunity to tie up his loose ends, and he took it. He made his own choice. Chose his own fate. And Mori used it, and threw it away. And I realized that's all that was waiting for any of us. That none of it mattered to him, not any of those nights, none of the feeling. And I realized it had started to matter to me. People had started to matter. And if I stayed, if I hadn't left his office then--

[Then he would have ended up like Mori after all. Then nothing would have mattered. It wouldn't have hurt, but he would never have had...It doesn't matter. It won't. Not to Chuuya.]

[Chuuya isn't sure how to respond, and for several moments he doesn't. He's so angry. There's more to it than that, but the anger is easier, so no matter how hard he's tried to stay calm and listen, now he clings to it. It still doesn't add up.]

Couldn't you have just left it at that? You gave a shit about him, and you mourned him, and you ran.

[He turns his face away again. He feels heavy.]

So we know him differently. He's always talked to me about the importance of caring, about the city, about the mafia. But you have to care about it as a whole, instead of worrying about individuals, because it's the only way to protect them all.

It's a shitty job.

[The anger is building in his voice, too. It's probably familiar to Dazai. It's not like they've ever really talked to each other in any other way, so maybe it's better, just to let it out.]

And even if what you're saying is true - That means that when you left, you were screwing us all over and you knew it.

Weren't you listening? He just tells you what you need to hear, Chuuya. He's always just told people what they need to hear, or guide them to the conclusions he wants them to have. It makes him a good tactician. It makes him good at planning. It doesn't mean he gives a damn about anyone beyond the function they serve--

[He's doing a terrible job of this. He knows it. He's missing whatever point Chuuya is trying to make, isn't understanding how he's coming to a conclusion like that. Of course he didn't think he was screwing anyone over. How could he? Sure, he was intelligent, he'd been successful beyond Mori's wildest dreams in multiple endeavors. A large part of the Port Mafia's money and influence was due to him, and him alone. It wasn't bragging to say that. But he'd never acted against the Port Mafia, or any of its members, in all the time he'd been away. He'd never hurt any of them. In fact, he'd helped in his own way to keep everyone alive.

So why? Why would he say that??]

You were fine without me. You all were. You had your position, and he wouldn't use Corruption without me there to counter it. Akutagawa--

[Was better off without him there. Was better without him, and that's its own bucket of worms he's still discovering, a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach.]

...Gin, all of you. You were better off without me.

[They were. They all were. So why do the words feel hollow?]

[The anger is bubbling, boiling, and it's harder and harder not to just turn this into a fight. He could punch Dazai in the face, except -- Except it shouldn't matter, none of this should matter, none of this is new.]

If he's as bad as you say he is, you screwed us over. You abandoned all of them.

[Does Dazai really not get it? But of course he doesn't, because he's never understood the concept of responsibility. Dazai gets away with anything, smiles and makes a joke and leaves the mess for everyone else to deal with.

He'd just been hoping for something different, like an idiot.]

But the boss has given me more reason to trust him than you ever have.

[Except that's not how it works, either. He always trusted Dazai, in spite of everything. Giving in, he grabs the bottle - screw just drinking from a glass - and takes a long swig from it.]

You chose them. Just say it. Don't be a coward, for once.

I didn't choose anyone! I left. I was on my own for two years after.

[He isn't sure why those words are the ones that scrape his raw edges. Why it's that in particular that bothers him, the idea that Chuuya thought Dazai left the mafia for the ADA in particular. He was lucky to find them. Lucky that the chief had thought of them. He'd thought he was just finding a better cause to die for, but that wasn't it at all, was it? Oda hadn't told him to die for good, to die doing the right thing. He'd said to do good.

Dazai makes no effort to stop Chuuya from taking the bottle. He's had enough. He just sits, fingers still against his knees.]

It's ironic, really. If I stayed, I would be dead. I'd be dead, or all of you would be. Or both. And I didn't want it. So maybe I am a coward.

[There's a wave of sadness that washes over him all of a sudden, a bone-deep exhaustion. How can he even try to explain? How can he tell Chuuya something he doesn't even know how to say himself?]

If you don't have a reason to trust me, why are you here?

[Why are either of them here? His voice is low, a murmur, and his eyes find that stain on the carpet again. There's a scar on Chuuya's throat, and a stain on his carpet, and a lifetime of memories he apparently never really got the way he was supposed to. What else is there? Is it any wonder Chuuya doesn't trust him? He's never given him a reason. Any of them.]

Because I--

[Why is he here? Is there a point to being here, to listening to Dazai's explanations - explanations which are more accusations, pointing the finger at anyone but himself. It's typical. Chuuya can't even tell if Dazai is trying to turn him against the boss, or if there's some other reason for all of this.

He keeps drinking. He doesn't care if he'll pass out.]

Because you asked, asshole. I was always going to show up if you asked.

[No, no. No, he needs to stop drinking again. He puts the bottle down, gets up, then immediately falls back down again. He's dizzy now.]

So you didn't choose them over us back then. You chose to leave us. Same thing. You could have --

I would have helped.

[Cautiously, he tries to push himself back up another time. He scrunches up his face as he forces gravity to obey, or tries to.]

Did I ever not come when you asked?

[Did he ever not? Did he? He was there without Dazai calling, half the time, there whether Dazai wanted him to be or not, and he'd always assumed it was because of Mori.

And now, a different thought occurs to him, one he doesn't want to think. One he can't. Why would he? It doesn't make sense at all.

Dazai doesn't move as Chuuya falls, doesn't move as he climbs to his feet and forces gravity to give way before him. He's leaving. That's--he should.

He shouldn't try to keep him here.

He doesn't look.]

Would you? Would you have, really? You've already said your loyalty is to him. If I'd asked you to come with me, you would have said no. If he'd told you to take care of me, you would have. And I would have let you.

[He says the words like they're a decided outcome. He says them like he's sure, because he is. Because he has to be.

Because if he isn't, he's not sure he can stand to know that.

Chuuya's right. He is a coward.]

[He's still standing unsteadily, because it's getting harder and harder to focus, and Dazai's words are taking up all of his attention. Gravity will just have to wait. He leans forward like he wants to grab onto the table, but it's too low, and he ends up standing there, half bent over, glancing back at Dazai.

Though he doesn't immediately say anything.

Those words hurt, but that's nothing new. It sounds like Dazai has already made up his mind about everything that would happen, everything that Chuuya would have done. Clearly he knows it better than Chuuya himself, so what's the point in even having a conversation? He frowns some more.]

I would never do that.

[Especially if Dazai would have let him. It always pissed him off when Dazai tried to kill himself, so suicide by Chuuya wouldn't make him react any differently.]

I would have helped.

[He's repeating himself now. He takes a small, unsteady step sideways, trying to work his way out from between the couch and the table. He's pretty sure he won't make it far.]

Even if he gave you an order? After all, didn't you say your loyalty was to him?

[The words hurt. They hurt to say in a way he doesn't expect, and yet he doesn't stop them. Some part of him relishes the pain, even now. At least he can feel something. Something is better than nothing, and nothing would have been what he'd ended up with.

Chuuya takes that unsteady step, and Dazai reacts before he can think about it, reaching out to keep him from falling over. Probably a mistake, given that Chuuya's tenuous grasp on gravity is probably the only thing keeping him upright at this point, but the liquor is thick enough in his mind that his reaction time is slowed.]

Careful--

He wouldn't--

[He stops himself, because if it was necessary, of course Mori would. But Chuuya doesn't want to think about it. This is his partner, and turning on him would feel like a betrayal, an unforgivable one, no matter the reason. If Dazai attacked first it would be different, but he hadn't. Wouldn't. Probably.

He's too drunk and not drunk enough. He actually starts to reach for the bottle again, except Dazai reaches for him, and he forgets which direction the floor is.

He sways there for a moment.

And then he's falling backwards, landing heavily on top of Dazai.]

[Mori would. They both know that. They both know that he could arrange things, would have done it in a way that Chuuya would have had no choice. Isn't that the point of all of this? All of his talking?

Mori would have, but Dazai--he hadn't, and wouldn't. Chuuya can think what he likes about Dazai, but that at least is true.

Not that he's got time to think about any of that, not really, as Chuuya sways and then topples directly on top of him, Dazai's breath leaving him in a wheezed grunt of air. He stays there, trying to breathe again, arms wrapped around Chuuya out of surprise as much as anything else.]

--Heavy...

[How is someone so small so heavy???? Ugh.]

[He wouldn't have. Mori could try to arrange it however he wanted, but he wouldn't. Not unless Mori got Dazai to attack. And that's not something he could trick Chuuya into thinking was happening, because he did know his partner. He did. It wouldn't work.

He'd argue that point for days.

Except the argument has been cut short. He squirms a bit for a moment, but he can't find his balance to get back up, and Dazai is holding him.]

I'm not!

[Stop insulting him. He tries to elbow him for that, but misses.]

[Maybe they should keep talking--he should try to keep making his point--but at this point he's had too much to drink, and everything is fuzzy, and Chuuya is squirming around in his lap. Maybe it's for the best.

It's always been easier to not talk, after all.

(Coward. He won't think it. He won't think anything.)

Leaning more heavily on Chuuya, Dazai buries his face in Chuuya's hair, nudging his hat out of the way with his chin.]

You are. Falling on me like that--

[Dazai's face against his hair is raising goosebumps, and he only halfheartedly tries to make a grab for his hat as it falls. It's right there, anyway, he can pick it back up.

He tries to elbow Dazai again.]

It's your fault.

[Ugh, this is annoying. He still hasn't made his point, and Dazai is getting his way again.]

It's not. You were wobbling--

[You were leaving, he doesn't say, because that doesn't matter and Chuuya should have, he should have let him.

Instead, he's leaning harder into Chuuya, despite the elbow that buries itself in his ribs with a soft oof, burying his nose in that soft hair and breathing deeply.]

Heavy and pointy. Stop that, how are your elbows that sharp--

But I wasn't falling!

[Because he had gravity, up until the moment Dazai touched him and he didn't. And now he's stuck, Dazai's breath against his neck, too drunk to really be able to fight.]

You're just weak.

[The tingling feeling of moonlacing is spreading from every point where Dazai is touching him. It's making him feel better, even though he's still not sure he wants to. But it's difficult to resist.]

[Moonlacing is without a doubt the best part of being here. What's the harm in just staying for a little while, avoiding the inevitable slide back into arguing, into fighting over things that actually matter when instead they can fight over nonsense, argue over nothing at all?

It's easier. He just wants easier for a little while. Before all of this is over for good.]

M'not. Strong enough to carry you, anyway.

[He could! If he wanted to. If he wasn't pretty much attached to the ground right now.]

And I could carry you and you're heavier.

[This is definitely a nonsense argument, and one they've had before. It's safe. It's easier. He's drunk enough now that he's starting to forget about why he was leaving.

That won't last, though.]

Let me-- At least let me shift a little.

[Going to squirm his way into a better position, since he's apparently stuck.]

Not right now you couldn't.

[Dazai grumbles, but it's true that this isn't the most comfortable position, so he supposes he can let Chuuya shift. He'll shift, too, though he maybe overemphasizes how much heavier he is as he pulls Chuuya properly into his arms.

He's too drunk for this. That's his excuse. He's too drunk, and Chuuya's too drunk, and the rest of that conversation--they should have it sober. If they have to have it at all.]

Better?

[Chuuya ends up slightly sideways, head on Dazai's shoulder, leaning into him. He definitely shouldn't allow this, but the warmth of moonlacing is too addictive. That's his excuse.

He exhales softly.]

Better.

[And anyway, Dazai made a statement with this. It's probably not even intentional, that's the sad part, but it's what Chuuya has wanted from him for years now. Dazai is telling him to stay.]

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theartofdying - 2019-11-08 18:23 (UTC) - Expand