indensity | ic contact & overflow for prismatica

Weren't you listening? He just tells you what you need to hear, Chuuya. He's always just told people what they need to hear, or guide them to the conclusions he wants them to have. It makes him a good tactician. It makes him good at planning. It doesn't mean he gives a damn about anyone beyond the function they serve--

[He's doing a terrible job of this. He knows it. He's missing whatever point Chuuya is trying to make, isn't understanding how he's coming to a conclusion like that. Of course he didn't think he was screwing anyone over. How could he? Sure, he was intelligent, he'd been successful beyond Mori's wildest dreams in multiple endeavors. A large part of the Port Mafia's money and influence was due to him, and him alone. It wasn't bragging to say that. But he'd never acted against the Port Mafia, or any of its members, in all the time he'd been away. He'd never hurt any of them. In fact, he'd helped in his own way to keep everyone alive.

So why? Why would he say that??]

You were fine without me. You all were. You had your position, and he wouldn't use Corruption without me there to counter it. Akutagawa--

[Was better off without him there. Was better without him, and that's its own bucket of worms he's still discovering, a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach.]

...Gin, all of you. You were better off without me.

[They were. They all were. So why do the words feel hollow?]

[The anger is bubbling, boiling, and it's harder and harder not to just turn this into a fight. He could punch Dazai in the face, except -- Except it shouldn't matter, none of this should matter, none of this is new.]

If he's as bad as you say he is, you screwed us over. You abandoned all of them.

[Does Dazai really not get it? But of course he doesn't, because he's never understood the concept of responsibility. Dazai gets away with anything, smiles and makes a joke and leaves the mess for everyone else to deal with.

He'd just been hoping for something different, like an idiot.]

But the boss has given me more reason to trust him than you ever have.

[Except that's not how it works, either. He always trusted Dazai, in spite of everything. Giving in, he grabs the bottle - screw just drinking from a glass - and takes a long swig from it.]

You chose them. Just say it. Don't be a coward, for once.

I didn't choose anyone! I left. I was on my own for two years after.

[He isn't sure why those words are the ones that scrape his raw edges. Why it's that in particular that bothers him, the idea that Chuuya thought Dazai left the mafia for the ADA in particular. He was lucky to find them. Lucky that the chief had thought of them. He'd thought he was just finding a better cause to die for, but that wasn't it at all, was it? Oda hadn't told him to die for good, to die doing the right thing. He'd said to do good.

Dazai makes no effort to stop Chuuya from taking the bottle. He's had enough. He just sits, fingers still against his knees.]

It's ironic, really. If I stayed, I would be dead. I'd be dead, or all of you would be. Or both. And I didn't want it. So maybe I am a coward.

[There's a wave of sadness that washes over him all of a sudden, a bone-deep exhaustion. How can he even try to explain? How can he tell Chuuya something he doesn't even know how to say himself?]

If you don't have a reason to trust me, why are you here?

[Why are either of them here? His voice is low, a murmur, and his eyes find that stain on the carpet again. There's a scar on Chuuya's throat, and a stain on his carpet, and a lifetime of memories he apparently never really got the way he was supposed to. What else is there? Is it any wonder Chuuya doesn't trust him? He's never given him a reason. Any of them.]

Because I--

[Why is he here? Is there a point to being here, to listening to Dazai's explanations - explanations which are more accusations, pointing the finger at anyone but himself. It's typical. Chuuya can't even tell if Dazai is trying to turn him against the boss, or if there's some other reason for all of this.

He keeps drinking. He doesn't care if he'll pass out.]

Because you asked, asshole. I was always going to show up if you asked.

[No, no. No, he needs to stop drinking again. He puts the bottle down, gets up, then immediately falls back down again. He's dizzy now.]

So you didn't choose them over us back then. You chose to leave us. Same thing. You could have --

I would have helped.

[Cautiously, he tries to push himself back up another time. He scrunches up his face as he forces gravity to obey, or tries to.]

Did I ever not come when you asked?

[Did he ever not? Did he? He was there without Dazai calling, half the time, there whether Dazai wanted him to be or not, and he'd always assumed it was because of Mori.

And now, a different thought occurs to him, one he doesn't want to think. One he can't. Why would he? It doesn't make sense at all.

Dazai doesn't move as Chuuya falls, doesn't move as he climbs to his feet and forces gravity to give way before him. He's leaving. That's--he should.

He shouldn't try to keep him here.

He doesn't look.]

Would you? Would you have, really? You've already said your loyalty is to him. If I'd asked you to come with me, you would have said no. If he'd told you to take care of me, you would have. And I would have let you.

[He says the words like they're a decided outcome. He says them like he's sure, because he is. Because he has to be.

Because if he isn't, he's not sure he can stand to know that.

Chuuya's right. He is a coward.]

[He's still standing unsteadily, because it's getting harder and harder to focus, and Dazai's words are taking up all of his attention. Gravity will just have to wait. He leans forward like he wants to grab onto the table, but it's too low, and he ends up standing there, half bent over, glancing back at Dazai.

Though he doesn't immediately say anything.

Those words hurt, but that's nothing new. It sounds like Dazai has already made up his mind about everything that would happen, everything that Chuuya would have done. Clearly he knows it better than Chuuya himself, so what's the point in even having a conversation? He frowns some more.]

I would never do that.

[Especially if Dazai would have let him. It always pissed him off when Dazai tried to kill himself, so suicide by Chuuya wouldn't make him react any differently.]

I would have helped.

[He's repeating himself now. He takes a small, unsteady step sideways, trying to work his way out from between the couch and the table. He's pretty sure he won't make it far.]

Even if he gave you an order? After all, didn't you say your loyalty was to him?

[The words hurt. They hurt to say in a way he doesn't expect, and yet he doesn't stop them. Some part of him relishes the pain, even now. At least he can feel something. Something is better than nothing, and nothing would have been what he'd ended up with.

Chuuya takes that unsteady step, and Dazai reacts before he can think about it, reaching out to keep him from falling over. Probably a mistake, given that Chuuya's tenuous grasp on gravity is probably the only thing keeping him upright at this point, but the liquor is thick enough in his mind that his reaction time is slowed.]

Careful--

He wouldn't--

[He stops himself, because if it was necessary, of course Mori would. But Chuuya doesn't want to think about it. This is his partner, and turning on him would feel like a betrayal, an unforgivable one, no matter the reason. If Dazai attacked first it would be different, but he hadn't. Wouldn't. Probably.

He's too drunk and not drunk enough. He actually starts to reach for the bottle again, except Dazai reaches for him, and he forgets which direction the floor is.

He sways there for a moment.

And then he's falling backwards, landing heavily on top of Dazai.]

[Mori would. They both know that. They both know that he could arrange things, would have done it in a way that Chuuya would have had no choice. Isn't that the point of all of this? All of his talking?

Mori would have, but Dazai--he hadn't, and wouldn't. Chuuya can think what he likes about Dazai, but that at least is true.

Not that he's got time to think about any of that, not really, as Chuuya sways and then topples directly on top of him, Dazai's breath leaving him in a wheezed grunt of air. He stays there, trying to breathe again, arms wrapped around Chuuya out of surprise as much as anything else.]

--Heavy...

[How is someone so small so heavy???? Ugh.]

[He wouldn't have. Mori could try to arrange it however he wanted, but he wouldn't. Not unless Mori got Dazai to attack. And that's not something he could trick Chuuya into thinking was happening, because he did know his partner. He did. It wouldn't work.

He'd argue that point for days.

Except the argument has been cut short. He squirms a bit for a moment, but he can't find his balance to get back up, and Dazai is holding him.]

I'm not!

[Stop insulting him. He tries to elbow him for that, but misses.]

[Maybe they should keep talking--he should try to keep making his point--but at this point he's had too much to drink, and everything is fuzzy, and Chuuya is squirming around in his lap. Maybe it's for the best.

It's always been easier to not talk, after all.

(Coward. He won't think it. He won't think anything.)

Leaning more heavily on Chuuya, Dazai buries his face in Chuuya's hair, nudging his hat out of the way with his chin.]

You are. Falling on me like that--

[Dazai's face against his hair is raising goosebumps, and he only halfheartedly tries to make a grab for his hat as it falls. It's right there, anyway, he can pick it back up.

He tries to elbow Dazai again.]

It's your fault.

[Ugh, this is annoying. He still hasn't made his point, and Dazai is getting his way again.]

It's not. You were wobbling--

[You were leaving, he doesn't say, because that doesn't matter and Chuuya should have, he should have let him.

Instead, he's leaning harder into Chuuya, despite the elbow that buries itself in his ribs with a soft oof, burying his nose in that soft hair and breathing deeply.]

Heavy and pointy. Stop that, how are your elbows that sharp--

But I wasn't falling!

[Because he had gravity, up until the moment Dazai touched him and he didn't. And now he's stuck, Dazai's breath against his neck, too drunk to really be able to fight.]

You're just weak.

[The tingling feeling of moonlacing is spreading from every point where Dazai is touching him. It's making him feel better, even though he's still not sure he wants to. But it's difficult to resist.]

[Moonlacing is without a doubt the best part of being here. What's the harm in just staying for a little while, avoiding the inevitable slide back into arguing, into fighting over things that actually matter when instead they can fight over nonsense, argue over nothing at all?

It's easier. He just wants easier for a little while. Before all of this is over for good.]

M'not. Strong enough to carry you, anyway.

[He could! If he wanted to. If he wasn't pretty much attached to the ground right now.]

And I could carry you and you're heavier.

[This is definitely a nonsense argument, and one they've had before. It's safe. It's easier. He's drunk enough now that he's starting to forget about why he was leaving.

That won't last, though.]

Let me-- At least let me shift a little.

[Going to squirm his way into a better position, since he's apparently stuck.]

Not right now you couldn't.

[Dazai grumbles, but it's true that this isn't the most comfortable position, so he supposes he can let Chuuya shift. He'll shift, too, though he maybe overemphasizes how much heavier he is as he pulls Chuuya properly into his arms.

He's too drunk for this. That's his excuse. He's too drunk, and Chuuya's too drunk, and the rest of that conversation--they should have it sober. If they have to have it at all.]

Better?

[Chuuya ends up slightly sideways, head on Dazai's shoulder, leaning into him. He definitely shouldn't allow this, but the warmth of moonlacing is too addictive. That's his excuse.

He exhales softly.]

Better.

[And anyway, Dazai made a statement with this. It's probably not even intentional, that's the sad part, but it's what Chuuya has wanted from him for years now. Dazai is telling him to stay.]

[It is better. His arms around Chuuya's waist, Dazai leans in, wrapping himself fully around the smaller man and resting his cheek against Chuuya's head. It's comfortable. More than it should be. Familiar in ways he doesn't want to think about.

Luckily, thanks to the warmth of alcohol and moonlacing, he doesn't have to. He can just bury his face in that scent and relax into it, a soft murmur of agreement escaping him as his eyes close.

Just for a minute. Really.]

ic contact & overflow for prismatica

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